Fellow Sexuals

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

In that case they might be looking for another sexual partner.

[Guest]

59 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you're into someone romantically but not sexually, that's pretty much asexual.

That isn't really true. Unless we broaden asexual to include a lot of people who like / desire / value sex. It just means you aren't typical sexually. 

 

Some people click with a person but sex ends up not working. That, for many sexuals, leaves them breaking up but it hurts the ones I know cause it worked on every other level. There are a variety of reasons to stop being into the idea of sexy times with a person. For the ones I know, it was usually "the dating is good, the kissing is fun but they are just so bad in bed...".  Or I knew one person that was honestly worried about penis size cause she said she couldnt be into someone sexually if they weren't at least 8 inches (which... yeah...) so she could be totally into a guy every other way but once she learned size, not turned on by him. They stayed in "I like you" mode though, so romantic feelings didnt fade, they just could not get into the person sexually, so the idea of sex repulsed them basically. I never understood why sex not being appealing would ruin a perfectly good relationship otherwise when people complained at me about it, until recently, but I generally tried to just be "do what makes you happy". And... guys never did say anything like it but I dont know if that was because guys i knew never felt romantically there but sexually disinterested or cause they weren't comfy discussing stuff with a girl? And the girls never told the guys why they broke up, cause that would just be rude "I adore you, but I find you a turn off" isn't exactly letting someone down gently. 

 

I think I became a confessional for sex things for a few people cause when I was trying to figure out my own sexuality, I asked people questions. And my now ex would brag about how good our sex life was, which was a lie, but people assumed I could relate I guess ? I dont know. 

 

Then you have people who are rare like me who fell romantically for four people, sexually and romantically for just one so far. Which, I guess is "demisexual" , but I dont consider myself ace when I can spend 7 days straight in bed with my partner doing various sexual things and love it. Just didn't click that way with anyone else, so preferred to stop it at kissing with them. 

 

Then we have the AVEN user that used to be around because she was heterosexual but married a homosexual heteroromantic who couldn't get into sex with her but loved her and wanted to be married, but sexually open. They opened their marriage and she left AVEN after a bit cause afaik they were happy with the arrangement.. 

 

So... while the person being into you romantically but not sexually and not being ace is rarer than not, it isn't impossible and you can't just stick the label there without the person taking it on. They could just not be into you that way, but move on with someone they are into that way. Which, would suck and hurt, but happens sometimes. 

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Serran said:

So... while the person being into you romantically but not sexually and not being ace is rarer than not, it isn't impossible and you can't just stick the label there without the person taking it on. They could just not be into you that way, but move on with someone they are into that way. Which, would suck and hurt, but happens sometimes. 

*nods*

 

My point was basically that it’s irrelevant in this case if the ex is ace or not.  She’s said she’s no longer into the OP sexually, and the OP considers sexual intimacy an important/essential component of relationships, so regardless of the ex’s orientation the two of them are better off apart.

[Fallen Unicorn]

3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

*nods*

 

My point was basically that it’s irrelevant in this case if the ex is ace or not.  She’s said she’s no longer into the OP sexually, and the OP considers sexual intimacy an important/essential component of relationships, so regardless of the ex’s orientation the two of them are better off apart.

I didn't read everything on here, but I guess that's the case? She said that she wants to be with me physically, but at the same time, she became uncomfortable and didn't want to do it again. You're totally right, but I'm kinda peeved at how contradicting her words are vs her actions.

[Fallen Unicorn]

12 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

@Fallen Unicorn I have noooo idea what nomaflexible is but I always got over exes by dating someone new. Uh, half a lifetime ago, hopefully still a viable approach. Might help?

Nomaflexible is such an obscure word, that I find myself leaning more towards pansexual as a term I'm comfortable with...why would I want to date someone new? 😵I've been questioning so many aspects of myself and my life, that taking on another relationship would only make things more difficult. I appreciate the suggestion, as I've rebounded in the past, but right now isn't a good time.

 

Unless I'm "dating myself" as they say, in that case, I'm already in another relationship. With myself and my writings 😆

 

Not to mention, I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, so I'm not desiring any reciprocated romance at the moment.

 

[ryn2]

23 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

I'm kinda peeved at how contradicting her words are vs her actions.

Understandable.  Maybe she thinks she can do it until she actually has to.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

I'm already in another relationship. With myself and my writings

This can be a good problem to have sometimes!

[ryn2]

My issue wasn’t with the wording... in this case it sounds like the OP’s ex may “only be asexual” towards the OP, which would then mean she might not be asexual at all.  Either way, as she no longer wants a sexual relationship with OP (who, in turn, does want one) not continuing the relationship makes sense.

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Nomaflexible is such an obscure word, that I find myself leaning more towards pansexual as a term I'm comfortable with

Ok ok finally did a proper websearch; I'm not much better, going with androsexual because I don't want to be one gender or the other. I think I'd tend to agree with going for a more general, well known term, I'm not enthusiastic about the scores of enby genders 😛

 

2 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

I'm already in another relationship. With myself and my writings 😆

What?! You feel satisfied with pleasures of the mind, without sex??! What kind of sexual are you! Next you'll tell me you don't randomly want to screw people just by looking at them 😄

[Fallen Unicorn]

7 hours ago, ryn2 said:

My issue wasn’t with the wording... in this case it sounds like the OP’s ex may “only be asexual” towards the OP, which would then mean she might not be asexual at all.  Either way, as she no longer wants a sexual relationship with OP (who, in turn, does want one) not continuing the relationship makes sense.

"Does want one" is somewhat accurate, although I think "psychologically needed one to maintain a healthy relationship" is more accurate. Cause I wanted the relationship to work out without sex, but my needs weren't being fulfilled by the person I was in love with, and it was really a mindfuck for me. I was having anxiety attacks, and I didn't realize it was the absence of sex until after the breakup. Sex is like a security net in a relationship for me, or glue that keeps it together.

 

There's indicators pointing to her actually being asexual, and indicators that she just wasn't that into me. Either way, y'all are right about me making the right decision. I just keep second-guessing myself because of what my heart feels.

[Fallen Unicorn]

23 hours ago, Sally said:

On 4/13/2019 at 4:54 PM, Fallen Unicorn said:

Not only were we not sexually compatible (as far as I know), but I don't think we were romantically compatible either? 

 

Then why do you want to get back into a relationship with her?  That seems a bit illogical. 

Then again, for someone who's greyromantic, I sure feel a lot of feelings of love for her still. Aaaaaaaaagh, fuck me.

[Fallen Unicorn]

7 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

What?! You feel satisfied with pleasures of the mind, without sex??! What kind of sexual are you! Next you'll tell me you don't randomly want to screw people just by looking at them 😄

I dunno, some of my writings are pretty sexual 😂 What kind of sexual am I indeed 🤣 

[cupid69]

On 4/13/2019 at 9:42 PM, ryn2 said:

 

x

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Apostle said:

As Telecaster stated, probably asexual, if not, definitely leaning in that direction.

If the OP’s ex feels that way fowards everyone, sure.  If she just feels that way towards the OP, no.  Either way, best for the OP to work towards moving on.

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I can't imagine a sexual person happily having romantic feelings towards someone that weren't entwined with sexual attraction. They might not want sex as a result of stress, or relationship issues, or illness, but they'd want sex to return as part of the relationship to be happy.  Otherwise, they're saying they'd be fine with no more sex in their life or relationship and I really can't see how it's different to being asexual. The 'I'm fine with that' element makes them asexual, in practice.

 

The only factor is that n=1, and for me the logic of the situation makes that person, then asexual. It's the same rationale as saying 'asexuality is normal for you', even though it's not normative.

We don’t really know how “happily” OP’s ex was proceeding.

 

Maybe for her saying “I’m asexual” is for whatever reason preferable to saying “I’m not into you that way anymore.”  Regardless, OP’s ex evidently weighed things out and decided the relationship still had enough merit to continue despite the lack of sex (whereas OP did not agree).

 

Not everyone in every relationship is thinking lifelong, and not every younger person who is thinking lifelong really feels and gets, deep down, what that’s going to mean.

 

People have a lot of reasons for wanting to stay in relationships and a lot of reasons for wanting to get out of them.  How they balance those things will vary from person to person and situation to situation.

 

If someone decides to keep having sex to stay in a relationship, does that make that  person, then, no longer asexual?

 

Sexual orientation does not always equal behavior.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

... that seems like she's happy being in a romantic but not sexual relationship, to me.

It seems like she wanted to stay in the relationship more than she wanted to end it, which is not the same as its being her ideal for all relationships.

 

Some of the ace posters willingly and even cheerfully continue to have sex because they value their relationships overall above being free of sex.  That doesn’t make them less ace.

 

Anyway, my original point to the OP was that it didn’t really matter if their ex is ace or not.  What matters is that she no longer wants a sexual relationship with them, whereas they feel sexual intimacy is a necessary component of any romantic relationship.  They didn’t break it off because she is ace; they broke it off because she no longer wants a sexual relationship.

 

Based on that her orientation is irrelevant.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Someone says they would like a cold beer because it's hot.

 

Do you assume they normally don't like beer but this one time they want a beer? Or they generally like beer and particularly in this circumstance specifically would like one?

 

You're doing the former.

How so?  “I’m ace” is the least likely reason for “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore.”

 

My understanding of the situation was this:

* couple stopped having sex

* when questioned partner said she was ace

* they broke up (OP’s idea) despite OP’s having doubts the ex is actually ace

* because OP has doubts - which have intensified post-breakup as the ex had talked about dating others - they were contemplating giving the relationship another go

 

My point was that - whether or not she actually is ace - she no longer wants to have sex with the OP.  Because sex is essential to OP in a romantic relationship, this one isn’t going to work for them.  Better to put the energy into moving on rather than into getting to the bottom of “is she really ace or not,” because the outcome for OP is the same either way.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

But it's the most likely reason someone would actively want a romantic relationship with no sex, which is what she's said she wants.

I would argue it’s far from the most likely reason someone would *say* that, especially someone who immediately post-breakup talks about staying friends once dating other people... but, again, my point wasn’t that she isn’t - or is - ace.  It was that a relationship with her isn’t going to work for OP either way, so second-guessing her sexuality isn’t useful.

[ryn2]

36 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

This is odd. Usually you're happy to go with what people say over what they do, and I'm the other way round. But OP is reporting actions, not just words, from what I can see.

Honestly, I have no opinion on whether or not the ex is ace.  I don’t have enough information to know.  What I was trying to avoid was arguing with OP over whether or not their ex is actually ace because 1) she’s there and I’m not, and 2) I don’t think her orientation is relevant to whether or not they should date.

 

36 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It isn't directly about the OP, I concede, but now I'm just interested in how many gymnastic logical leaps can be made in order that the conclusion can be that a sexual male is wrong. That seems to be our default position on AVEN.

Huh?

[anisotrophic]

52 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

they broke up (his idea) despite his having doubts she is actually ace

@Fallen Unicorn identifies as female.

[ryn2]

2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

@Fallen Unicorn identifies as female.

Thanks!  I missed that and am exclusively on mobile so I don’t see profiles.  I’ll correct my posts.

[Fallen Unicorn]

44 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

that a sexual male is wrong.

I'm a cisgender girl, thank you 😄 Are sexual girls rare on here?

[anisotrophic]

5 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

I'm a cisgender girl, thank you 😄 Are sexual girls rare on here?

People tend to assume cishet and don't check profiles... but there have been LGBT sexuals, I really appreciate these perspectives, it gets conversations out of the gender role stereotypes.

 

I identified as cishet female up until a year and a half ago, although I've been crossdressing for several years, so it's been a process.

[ryn2]

4 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

I'm a cisgender girl, thank you 😄 Are sexual girls rare on here?

I’m not sure on rereading if he meant you or himself... because even if you were a guy insisting that your ex is ace when you think she might not be (which is what he’s doing) would be exactly what he’s complaining about.  So maybe he’s just annoyed that I didn’t agree with him?  I dunno!

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, anisotrophic said:

People tend to assume cishet and don't check profiles... but there have been LGBT sexuals, I really appreciate these perspectives, it gets conversations out of the gender role stereotypes.

 

I identified as cishet female up until a year and a half ago, although I've been crossdressing for several years, so it's been a process.

I wish gender displayed on the mobile posts!  When you actively go look at a profile that action is logged, so then I feel like I’m creeping.

[anisotrophic]

(Which is to say, the gender mistake came from a heterosexual assumption, even though @Fallen Unicorn mentioned bring pan, since people knew the maybe-ace ex is female.)

[Fallen Unicorn]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

How so?  “I’m ace” is the least likely reason for “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore.”

This is something my mother (and me to some extent) would strongly agree with. Other reasons, like losing interest in me, or feeling like the relationship was moving too fast, make more sense to me.

[ryn2]

3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Actually they're rarer on AVEN than cis males, particularly as partners of people who have discovered their asexuals. But what I was really alluding to was the way it seems to me that when someone seems to be somewhere on the asexual or grey scale or spectrum or continuum or whatever, there are a lot of people ready to do a lot of logic-twisting and giving massive benefits of tiny amounts of doubt, etc. on the default assumption that asexuals are good and wise and virtuous, and therefore the partners (frequently cis-men) must therefore be far more at fault.

I just fail to see how that applies here.  I was supporting OP’s decision to end the relationship and, if anything, being less positive towards the ex.

[Fallen Unicorn]

1 minute ago, anisotrophic said:

(Which is to say, the gender mistake came from a heterosexual assumption, even though @Fallen Unicorn mentioned bring pan, since people knew the maybe-ace ex is female.)

Well, the ex identified as genderfluid when I started dating her, and now she doesn't know her gender and goes by any pronouns. She started questioning her gender at the same time as her sexuality.

[Fallen Unicorn]

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I've seen asexuals make this argument more times than I can remember on AVEN

What argument is being made by asexuals? I'm a tiny bit confused here.