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Fellow Sexuals

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Apostle
On 1/22/2019 at 11:14 AM, ryn2 said:

 

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ryn2
14 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Well, I can understand why you think you may be ace/asexual but really I don't think you are. 

Agreed, as I’ve really thought back through ancient history I don’t think I am either.  The place  tele and I keep getting stuck on it is over communicating love/sustaining love via sex, though... as that was never really how it was for me.  His take seems to be if that piece is missing, you’re just using the other person as a masturbatory aid... but (at least in relationships where I was sexually attracted to the other person) that wasn’t how I experienced it.  It was something we enjoyed doing together, looked forward to, enjoyed anticipating, and made time for.  To me that feels like variations (within the sexual camp) on the meaning and importance of sex, but others seem to disagree.

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ryn2

...and all that said it’s really a thought exercise at this point as my partner has left the relationship and I think I’m done with relationships going forward.

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Telecaster68
11 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Agreed, as I’ve really thought back through ancient history I don’t think I am either.  The place  tele and I keep getting stuck on it is over communicating love/sustaining love via sex, though... as that was never really how it was for me.  His take seems to be if that piece is missing, you’re just using the other person as a masturbatory aid... but (at least in relationships where I was sexually attracted to the other person) that wasn’t how I experienced it.  It was something we enjoyed doing together, looked forward to, enjoyed anticipating, and made time for.  To me that feels like variations (within the sexual camp) on the meaning and importance of sex, but others seem to disagree.

Honestly Ryn I think you just don't particularly fit into any box when it comes to how you see sex in your own relationship, but in discussions, it often seems to me that you tend towards the same views as asexuals tend to. (NB 'tend' here... I'm not saying it's clearcut, at all). 

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James121
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Agreed, as I’ve really thought back through ancient history I don’t think I am either.  The place  tele and I keep getting stuck on it is over communicating love/sustaining love via sex, though... as that was never really how it was for me.  His take seems to be if that piece is missing, you’re just using the other person as a masturbatory aid... but (at least in relationships where I was sexually attracted to the other person) that wasn’t how I experienced it.  It was something we enjoyed doing together, looked forward to, enjoyed anticipating, and made time for.  To me that feels like variations (within the sexual camp) on the meaning and importance of sex, but others seem to disagree.

There are 3 legitimate reasons to have sex...

 

1) reproduction 

2) Pleasure (both giving and receiving)

3) To maintain a unique loving connection 

 

It sounds like you fall in to number 2 which is perfectly legit so long as the pleasure and enjoyment is mutual.

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ryn2

I’ve never experienced sex as communication.  It was always more like edgy play.  So I don’t experience it the way you do, tele... but I don’t think that’s enough to qualify as ace.

 

Nowadays I answer questions like “if you never had sex again, would you care?” with “nope” because I literally lost my entire libido somewhere (and, again, not attracted to older folks so my expiration date passed long ago)... so I can relate to feeling that way... but before my last relationship I would have answered that much differently.

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ryn2
Just now, James121 said:

There are 3 legitimate reasons to have sex...

 

1) reproduction 

2) Pleasure (both giving and receiving)

3) To maintain a unique loving connection 

 

It sounds like you fall in to number 2 which is perfectly legit so long as the pleasure and enjoyment is mutual.

Yes, back when I had a libido I definitely fell into option 2).

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ryn2
13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

how you see sex in your own relationship,

The relationship ship sailed... not in one anymore.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

The relationship ship sailed... not in one anymore.

Sorry to hear that. You okay?

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ryn2

As I was working though things I made the mistake of telling my then-partner (by way of explaining that I didn’t mind that we no longer had sex, as I thought we’d stopped because he no longer wanted to have any) I thought I was ace.  He latched onto that and made it the root cause for every relationship issue back to day 1.

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ryn2
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Sorry to hear that. You okay?

It’s not what I wanted personally and it’s killing me financially but I’ll muddle through.  I’m a survivor.

 

So, no, but I’m sure I eventually will be?  Thank you for asking.  

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Telecaster68
6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’ve never experienced sex as communication.  It was always more like edgy play.  So I don’t experience it the way you do, tele... but I don’t think that’s enough to qualify as ace.

I agree. But then add in your 'I don't mind never having sex again' and it seems to me to be so much in a grey area that honestly I have no idea. 

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ryn2
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

I agree. But then add in your 'I don't mind never having sex again' and it seems to me to be so much in a grey area that honestly I have no idea. 

25 years ago I felt differently.  I actually got into the last relationship to have sex, ironically.  A lot has happened (listed above) and I don’t know how much of it is reversible.

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Telecaster68

People change (obvs), and there's a school of thought on AVEN that orientations are fluid, and people only figure out orientations later, sometimes.

 

So who knows, and why I tend to favour the 'if it quacks like a duck' approach.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

People change (obvs), and there's a school of thought on AVEN that orientations are fluid, and people only figure out orientations later, sometimes.

 

So who knows, and why I tend to favour the 'if it quacks like a duck' approach.

I don’t think my orientation has changed; it was just a change in practice/convincing myself it wasn’t important to me for a long time.

 

More recently, with menopause, my libido basically vanished.  TMI  I used to take care of things myself quite regularly and now the urge hits maybe once every three months and vanishes in a minute or two if ignored.

 

So, in practice, for a lot of reasons I don’t think it’s something I’ll go back to...  never know, but it seems unlikely.

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Apostle

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Telecaster68

You've got your own personal No Deal Brexit...

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James121
34 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Yes, back when I had a libido I definitely fell into option 2).

Nothing wrong with that. 3 is really nice but to be fair if you are very “giving” within number 2 than you enter the number 3 area anyway.

 

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Apostle
On 1/22/2019 at 4:09 PM, Telecaster68 said:

 

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James121
12 minutes ago, Apostle said:

My natural instinct as a sexual male is to hold and cuddle someone of the opposite sex, preferably the one I chose to marry. This is not possible as I know she is sex averse and therefore I am reluctant to get close in case she mistakes it as a sexual ploy. Thus I am both denied sex with the one I love and cuddles. 

 A cloud of gloomy acceptance hovers over me, a bit like a grey British summer. Ironic really as I do live in Britain.

 

Still, bring on Brexit, that will cheer us all up!😪😰

Was she sex averse at the point of marriage?

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Apostle
On 1/22/2019 at 4:18 PM, James121 said:

 

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cbc
33 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

(and, again, not attracted to older folks so my expiration date passed long ago)

Side note here, but anyways...

 

I've noticed that as I've gotten older, I've actually found women who are beyond the years of their early youthful prime to be much more attractive than I ever did 20-somethings. In a way that I feel genuinely and more deeply appreciative of their appearance, anyway. Not saying there aren't some really pretty 21-year-olds out there of course, but I'm more likely to find that a 45-year-old has a type of beauty that I... I dunno, connect to somehow. Something about imperfections and life that's been lived seems more relatable to me. Being in my mid-30s, I'm not sure that that extends to, say, a 70-year-old haha, like on an actual attraction level, but I've still seen some really striking photos of women who are, uh... old old... and possess a lot of beauty. My gran passed away in 2017, a month or so shy of her 106th birthday, and I always though she was an incredibly beautiful and graceful-looking person. But yeah, in terms of actual attraction, I feel like middle-age does more for me than fresh-faced girls who aren't much more than kids. And I presume that when I'm 70-something, I'll be into 70-somethings.

 

Lol, I think I'm gonna make a great, cantankerous old lesbian (if by some miracle I'm still alive then). :D 

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Apostle
On 1/22/2019 at 4:34 PM, Ceebs. said:

 

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cbc

I wasn't really referring to (supposedly) air-headed young models vs. intelligent middle-aged women, though. There are brilliant young women and dumb-as-a-brick older ones.

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ryn2
19 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Yeah, as I get older I'm more attracted to females who have a brain.

I overall prefer people with brains, but aesthetically and sexually I have always been attracted to men in their early to mid-20’s.  Initially they were older than me, then we were the same age, and then I was older... but now I am ridiculously older (even more so when you consider older woman/younger man is still looked at oddly in our society to start with).  While I’m not sexually attracted to women, the same applies there aesthetics-wise.

 

So, what’s happened over time is that my friend range has kept up with my age but my attraction range has not.  I’ve now proven in multiple relationships that if my partner isn’t sexually and aesthetically attractive to me  initially it’s not something that grows on me over time... so it seems unwise to continue to test that particular theory.

 

Plus, the same applies to myself in that it’s been decades since I felt in any way attractive... which means other people feeling that way about me feels more lecherous/creepy and less flattering as time goes by.

 

I did address some of this over the years in therapy, especially as it related to my eating disorder history, but none of that work ultimately changed what attracted me to others sexually or aesthetically.

 

The whole “testing the theory is unwise” part seems especially true now that my libido has gone packing, meaning I’m not even craving sex at a physical level.

Edited by ryn2
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ryn2
10 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I wasn't really referring to (supposedly) air-headed young models vs. intelligent middle-aged women, though. There are brilliant young women and dumb-as-a-brick older ones.

Very true.

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Apostle
On 1/22/2019 at 5:00 PM, ryn2 said:

 

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James121
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Reading through these forums it is quite common that many asexuals do not know that they are just that and go along with the flow, sexually that is.

I admire your trust but I am somewhat more cynical. For example, it jumps straight out at me that the issues begun after you had your third child. I maybe making a big assumption here but I would bet my mortgage that you had agreed there would be no more children! Then....she becomes asexual! 

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Yeah, why is it that all politicians are dumb as a brick then?

Well, here at least, they’re neither all old nor all young...

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ryn2
20 minutes ago, James121 said:

I admire your trust but I am somewhat more cynical. For example, it jumps straight out at me that the issues begun after you had your third child. I maybe making a big assumption here but I would bet my mortgage that you had agreed there would be no more children! Then....she becomes asexual! 

That circles back around to the whole discussion of “if sexual compatibility is very important to you, you need to assess it carefully before committing and not commit while in the NRE phase.”

 

There are lots of reasons sex might die off, or not be the same

priority to both partners:

- your partner is primarily in the relationship for other reasons

- overall loss of interest in sex (medical, emotional, medication, aging, etc.)

- partner does not find you a good fit sexually

- life demands (career, children, homeownership, etc.)

- cultural preconceptions about relationships

- mismatched orientation

- etc.

Edited by ryn2

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