Jump to content

Recommended Posts

2 minutes ago, Serran said:

one debit card

My then-partner and I used to rely solely on debit cards but when skimming became a thing credit cards were safer... so the joint account was only used to pay bills (including those credit cards, which we paid off every month), take some deposits, and get cash for the places cash is still essential.  So in our case overdrafting one another was unlikely.  But we also lived in one residence and that probably made it a lot easier to keep abreast of what the money situation was.

Link to post
Share on other sites
35 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

It may have been for you; it wasn’t for me.  Moving in together was, buying a house was.  The bank account arrangement was just convenience.

A better way to word this for me personally is probably “indicative of,” or “requiring” rather than “symbolic of.”

 

On further reflection this is probably something that trips us (me, tele) up in general.  I expect it’s less related to sexual orientation and more to general personality/life outlook.  I don’t personally “get anything from” symbolic things/acts/rituals/etc.  I understand that other people find them symbolic, and I intellectually understand what they are supposed to symbolize, but I don’t *feel* it myself.  This is not solely true of romantic relationships for me; I guess I come at life from a pragmatic place.  It’s a struggle for me not to view symbolism as silly or naive, even though I know it is very important to some people.

 

Both my parents were this way as well.  I don’t know if it’s environmental, genetic, or both.

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

you're just saying that in practice, in your real life, joint accounts aren't of much significance but you get the gist of what I'm saying anyway

This.

 

11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

(in which case I don't really get the depth of the whole 'but in my life' diversion)

I was trying to explain why - for me - Apostle’s bank account analogy did not work, given that I had disagreed with his original

statement.  That’s all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Can you imagine such a thing being the case though, as a hypothetical?

Yes.  I said that several times along the way.  What I took issue with was your blanket assertation that “joint accounts symbolize trust” because while it sounds like they *can*, they don’t universally do so.

Link to post
Share on other sites
43 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So, if your partner announced they were pulling out of a joint account with them would you feel concerned about their reasons and the wider implications that act had for the relationship? 

I guess it would depend on the scenario/reason behind it.

 

Where I live you can’t “pull out of” a joint account... you could stop depositing into it, but to change who has access most banks require that you close the account and take a disbursement.

 

If they stopped depositing into it without prior discussion/obvious cause, stopped paying their share of the bills, and refused to discuss it, that would likely turn into a dealbreaker... not because of the account but because financial solvency is extremely important to me and without it I am not in a headspace where I can participate in a relationship.  It’s the one thing I prioritize above just about literally all else, and I am and have always been very upfront about that to people.

 

If my partner wanted to go back to separate accounts but was still willing to write me a check/do an EFT every month for their share of everything I would want an explanation - because it would another layer of nuisance for me - but if the explanation was reasonable I would not necessarily find the change concerning.

Link to post
Share on other sites
50 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Fair enough. I suppose if nothing symbolises anything to one of the people involved, they won't, to that person. If you see anything symbolic about anything, I can't see how they don't symbolise trust, I have to admit.

I can’t think of anything that does symbolize something to me personally, at least off the top of my head, so I can’t speak to whether joint accounts - in a state/country where virtually all marital assets are joint assets regardless - always symbolize an additional layer of trust to people who do.

 

If you live somewhere where individual accounts are not joint marital property then I do see why there would be additional trust involved in giving someone access; they can take something from you they otherwise could not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
36 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

How does it work - do you each have debit cards to every account or something?

From a practical standpoint you can not issue cards for your partner but depending on the bank they can often still get them.  It’s more relevant if you divorce (or run into debt issues) because everything is half everyone’s.  Sometimes that comes as a very unpleasant surprise to people who thought “their own money” was safe from a spouse’s creditor obligations or settlement.

 

36 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

What about if they also had a joint account (say, for business purposes, or for a hobby) with someone else? How would that shake down?

People don’t normally do this for private purposes (e.g., a hobby), but your share of that account also belongs to your spouse.  It could be difficult for the third party to prove what portion was theirs.

 

Normally people incorporate even sole-proprietor businesses and open accounts in the business’ name.  It’s risky to not establish a legal boundary between personal funds and business funds, not just because of spousal interest but also from tax and liability standpoints.

 

Someone going into a marriage with unusual shared or business accounts would need a prenup to isolate them.

 

36 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

What you're talking about is explicitly pulling out of financial responsibilities, really, rather than just ending a shared arrangement, and I'd be the same.

*nods*

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/5/2019 at 1:55 PM, Telecaster68 said:

I'll drop it. The point is being missed, even though you don't think it is.

I'm not sure who that's addressed to, but I'll answer it by saying that it's no that the point is being missed.  Instead, someone (me, for one) disagrees with your point, and your analogy.  Disagreement does not mean misunderstanding.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Oh, mine wanted to have a joint account... I didn't fall for that... He'd have taken it all...as I found out later that he had done in the past.

 

My opinion? You keep yours and I'll keep mine. We can go Dutch as and when.

Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I did add an explanation to this but it was obviously not read!

If by...

 

On 4/6/2019 at 9:33 AM, Apostle said:

I clarified it as best as I could.

...you meant you’d updated your original post, you’re right; I misunderstood.  I thought you meant you’d already been as clear as you could be.

 

I just went back three or four pages and couldn’t find the post in question so I’ll have to take you on your word that it’s clearer now 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Unicorn

So I've had several weeks to think about it, and I want to get back into the relationship with the ex. My mother suspects that she isn't asexual (not to mention, it was my gut feeling that she wasn't), and I still love her. My concern is that she just didn't love me as much as I loved her. She seemed upset about the breakup, but she was already talking about us being friends "after we start dating other people." And she wouldn't compromise on the sexual aspect, leaving me in a very anxious position where everything became too much.

 

I could really use some advice. If she really loved me, why do I feel like the only one trying?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe it just wasn’t the right relationship for her, at least right now?

 

Whether she’s ace or not, she may love you but not want to be sexual with you.  She may love you platonically but not be “in love with” you romantically.  She may not love you and just be saying she does because she feels like she’s supposed to/to avoid an argument/to try not to hurt your feelings.

 

It sucks to be on the other end of it, for sure, but ultimately you can’t force someone to share your feelings or to want to be with you when they just... don’t anymore.  :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/9/2019 at 1:17 AM, Apostle said:

Yeah, the suddenness of the change threw me as well!

I think you're replying to yourself here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Unicorn
18 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Maybe it just wasn’t the right relationship for her, at least right now?

 

Whether she’s ace or not, she may love you but not want to be sexual with you.  She may love you platonically but not be “in love with” you romantically.  She may not love you and just be saying she does because she feels like she’s supposed to/to avoid an argument/to try not to hurt your feelings.

 

It sucks to be on the other end of it, for sure, but ultimately you can’t force someone to share your feelings or to want to be with you when they just... don’t anymore.  :(

I broke up with her....

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Unicorn

She still wanted to be with me, but just with kisses and cuddles. I don't consider that a full relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Unicorn
2 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

She still wanted to be with me, but just with kisses and cuddles. I don't consider that a full relationship.

So that's why I felt so tormented, that she said she wanted to be physical with me, but at the same time she didn't...? I can't be in a healthy relationship with someone who's going back and forth. I just wished she wanted all of me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

I broke up with her....

 

18 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

She still wanted to be with me, but just with kisses and cuddles. I don't consider that a full relationship.

I know you officially ended it, but the impression I got (maybe wrongly) was that you ended it because from your perspective it had already ended when she “converted” it to what felt more like a friendship.  Sorry if I misunderstood!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

That does sound pretty asexual.

Or at least “not into you sexually anymore.”

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Unicorn
6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

 

I know you officially ended it, but the impression I got (maybe wrongly) was that you ended it because from your perspective it had already ended when she “converted” it to what felt more like a friendship.  Sorry if I misunderstood!

Oh yes, that'd be very accurate to how I felt. You didn't misunderstand that part at all, I think. Don't be sorry 😄

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Unicorn
3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Or at least “not into you sexually anymore.”

Yeah, that might make more sense. I think that's why I took it so personally.

 

Not only were we not sexually compatible (as far as I know), but I don't think we were romantically compatible either? She's panromantic, that's always been the case. I'm pansexual, that's always been the case. But I've identified as greyromantic since high school, and now my aromantic feelings are fluctuating I think? Cause I like soft kisses and cuddles sometimes, but I value sexual intimacy, platonic feelings (friendship), and flattery a lot more.

 

She knew that I was greyromantic too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Unicorn

Actually, maybe "nomaflexible" might be a more accurate word to describe me. It still sounds like a form of pansexuality, but more accurate to me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Not only were we not sexually compatible (as far as I know), but I don't think we were romantically compatible either? 

 

Then why do you want to get back into a relationship with her?  That seems a bit illogical.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Unicorn
5 minutes ago, Sally said:

Then why do you want to get back into a relationship with her?  That seems a bit illogical.  

When I miss her, I think illogically 😕 I shouldn't be too hard on myself though.

 

I think I miss our friendship, or who I thought she was.

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

I think I miss our friendship, or who I thought she was.

I can so relate to this.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

@Fallen Unicorn I have noooo idea what nomaflexible is but I always got over exes by dating someone new. Uh, half a lifetime ago, hopefully still a viable approach. Might help?

Link to post
Share on other sites
49 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you're into someone romantically but not sexually, that's pretty much asexual.

If that’s how you only and always are, yes.

 

In this case OP is not sure their ex is ace.  My point was that - either way - their ex has made it clear that they’re not into OP sexually anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...