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Fellow Sexuals

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ryn2

Yeah, things like “wants less sex than their partner” and “no longer wants sex with this specific partner” are much broader than asexuality.

 

I’m sure the aces would be overjoyed to be 20-25% of the population!

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Apostle
22 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

So... You define "asexual" as "whoever has the lesser sex drive in a couple"? 

No, you said that. I said sexual incompatibility is a major factor.

22 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

So... unless the two people are perfectly matched, you're going to label one asexual?

No, you said that. There is a great difference between one partner not wanting sex 3 x a week and the another being sex adverse. The sex adverse is not interested in having sex, full stop. A sexual will require a partner to at least share the experience and want the experience and sometimes have this experience to be impromptu and mutually satisfactory.

A sexual will probably sense whether the partner is sexual after some experience playing the field although that does depend on how much experienced the person is.

That is why it is so important to convey to eachother what their sexual interest is, or is not, as the case may be.

 

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Skullery Maid

25% of the population is not sex adverse. 

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Apostle
10 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Yeah, things like “wants less sex than their partner” and “no longer wants sex with this specific partner” are much broader than asexuality.

 

I’m sure the aces would be overjoyed to be 20-25% of the population!

As you have probably read in the latest news, there are millions of couples who are experiencing trouble conceiving, especially in the western world. Is this the natural order of things to come one has to ask? 

And 70-75% of the population are also overjoyed at being sexual😁

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James121

It would be interesting to see what the percentage of genuine asexuals is.

With any study conducted there is a massive reliance on accounting for enough people to get a decent representation but also on the people being surveyed to be honest/accurate. I suspect some people who are asexual won’t identify as such due to not knowing and some will not due to a refusal to be known as asexual. Equally I believe there are those who mistakenly identify as asexual and consciously, falsely identify as asexual. And I believe that there are more people who mistakenly/falsely identify as asexual than you’d think.

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CBC
7 minutes ago, Apostle said:

No, you said that. I said sexual incompatibility is a major factor.

Sexual incompatibility is not asexuality though. I presume you're intelligent enough (??) to understand that. You keep asserting something that essentially equates to "all people who don't want sex -- or don't want enough sex to be compatible with their partner -- are asexual".

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

adverse

It's 'averse'. 'Adverse' is different.

 

I know it's pedantic but I'm a pedant and this is like nails down a blackboard to me. If having to type 's*x' instead of 'sex' is a reasonable request, then USING THE RIGHT FUCKING WORD surely is.

 

:) Normal service has been resumed. 

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Apostle
2 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

25% of the population is not sex adverse. 

Probably not of the world population, at least in the way things are panning out in the third world countries. Could be so in the western world though, due to the type of life we now lead.

 

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Apostle
2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Sexual incompatibility is not asexuality though. I presume you're intelligent enough (??) to understand that. You keep asserting something that essentially equates to "all people who don't want sex -- or don't want enough sex to be compatible with their partner -- are asexual".

Oh please! Stop being so......................like your avatar gender.

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CBC
1 minute ago, Apostle said:

Probably not of the world population, at least in the way things are panning out in the third world countries. Could be so in the western world though, due to the type of life we now lead.

 

Please go on...

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CBC
1 minute ago, Apostle said:

Oh please! Stop being so......................like your avatar gender.

Lmao. Nahhh it's one of my defining qualities, sir. ;) 

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James121
1 minute ago, Apostle said:

Probably not of the world population, at least in the way things are panning out in the third world countries. Could be so in the western world though, due to the type of life we now lead.

 

I find this implausible unless you are counting  young children who haven’t yet developed sexual desire and people so old that they need to eat soup these days because chewing on some meat is beyond them. Even then 20% is way over the mark.

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Skullery Maid
Just now, Ceebs. said:

Please go on...

You really should have let the rest of us vote on this first -_-:lol:

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CBC
1 minute ago, Skullery Maid said:

You really should have let the rest of us vote on this first -_-:lol:

That's fair. That's really really really fair. Apologies. :P 

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Apostle
8 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Please go on...

Well, stress is a large factor in negative sexual activity, followed closely by long working hours, alcohol and drugs. Add all four together and you have a recipe for a barren sex life. Throw in a family and it's near impossible to have a relaxed sexual and loving relationship. 

I'm guessing that women in general under the above factors find it less attractive to have sex (less testosterone?) than men do hence the eventual breakdown in communication and possibly the relationship.

This has nothing to do with asexuality I may add but if your sex life is barren in the first instance due to the perceived sexual incompatibility of your partner then that is a recipe for disaster, isn't it, coupled with the above mentioned stress factors?

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Telecaster68
Just now, Apostle said:

women in general find it lees attractive to have sex than men do hence the eventual breakdown in communication

I should be marking student papers at the moment, so in lieu of that: 'you need to argue not just assert'.

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Apostle
10 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Lmao. Nahhh it's one of my defining qualities, sir. ;) 

Ooooh! Get you! 

Nobody has called me sir for a long time. I'll take that as a compliment then😋

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Apostle
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I should be marking student papers at the moment, so in lieu of that: 'you need to argue not just assert'.

I'm tired of 'asserting'. I just want to lay down for a while and meditate🙏

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CBC

@Apostle Take the 'sir' however you will.

 

Otherwise... what Tele said.

 

You make some fair points that apply to some situations, yeah, however there are many people who are in loving relationships and manage to have a job and/or children and still maintain a healthy sex life. And alcohol and drugs are not significant factors for most. 

 

But hey, I won't lie, I'm pretty thrilled to be a gay chick unworried about about a bunch of draining needy kiddos and some dude's sex drive. My own is quite healthy, thanks very much. 

 

Enjoy your meditation.

Edited by Ceebs.
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ryn2
31 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I said sexual incompatibility is a major factor.

That was my point - that there is clearly quite a bit of sexual incompatibility between individuals whose *orientation* is compatible as well.  It’s not all (most, even) between aces and sexuals.

 

Also, not all asexuals are sex-averse; the two terms are not interchangeable.

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Apostle
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

That was my point - that there is clearly quite a bit of sexual incompatibility between individuals whose *orientation* is compatible as well.  It’s not all (most, even) between aces and sexuals.

 

Also, not all asexuals are sex-averse; the two terms are not interchangeable.

Oh, I was under the impression that asexuals were, and I quote, 'without sexual feelings or associations' or 'a person who has no sexual feelings or desires' and to me that means exactly what it says on the tin. I'm not saying that asexuals don't 'do' sex, but I am saying that they do it without mutual love and affection because it is not in their physiology to do so. Even if there was 'sexual incompatibility between two sexuals that doesn't mean to say that they both don't like sex. It means one partner generally wants sex more than the other or in a different way that is incompatible with the other partner's idea of what a sexual act comprises.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Oh, I was under the impression that asexuals were, and I quote, 'without sexual feelings or associations' or 'a person who has no sexual feelings or desires' and to me that means exactly what it says on the tin. I'm not saying that asexuals don't 'do' sex, but I am saying that they do it without mutual love and affection because it is not in their physiology to do so. Even if there was 'sexual incompatibility between two sexuals that doesn't mean to say that they both don't like sex. It means one partner generally wants sex more than the other or in a different way that is incompatible with the other partner's idea of what a sexual act comprises.

Asexuals can apparently like sex without wanting to have sex, and just see it as using someone else to masturbate. They'd be quite happy to never have sex again though.

 

Nope, I don't get it either, and I'm a tad skeptical about their asexuality if that's their experience, but apparently it's A Thing.

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ryn2

There’s a difference having an aversion (a strong dislike for or disinclination) to something and not having an active desire for it. Aces who are neutral towards sex aren’t sex-averse.

 

From the perspective of the partner who isn’t desired, or who is having to settle for much less sex than would be ideal, does it really matter if the other partner is ace, low-libido, or just not interested sexual in them specifically?  Given the ratio of breakups to ace people there is much more of the latter two than the first going on.

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ryn2
29 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Asexuals can apparently like sex without wanting to have sex, and just see it as using someone else to masturbate. They'd be quite happy to never have sex again though.

 

Nope, I don't get it either, and I'm a tad skeptical about their asexuality if that's their experience, but apparently it's A Thing.

I LOL’d, because my personal experience with/of sex isn’t nearly this “different” and yet you keep lumping me in with the aces.

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CBC
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

There’s a difference having an aversion (a strong dislike for or disinclination) to something and not having an active desire for it. Aces who are neutral towards sex aren’t sex-averse.

Yeah, this. Apply it to other scenarios and it can make sense. If a gay man has an aversion to sex with women, he's actively put off by it, that's one thing. If he thinks about having sex with a woman and his brain just draws a blank, no interest, neutral, that's something else.

 

Now, if a self-proclaimed gay man says "I'm not sexually attracted to women but I enjoy sex with them and actively choose to have it"... yeahhhh, I dunno if I believe that they're entirely gay.

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Sally
8 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's 'averse'. 'Adverse' is different.

 

I know it's pedantic but I'm a pedant and this is like nails down a blackboard to me. If having to type 's*x' instead of 'sex' is a reasonable request, then USING THE RIGHT FUCKING WORD surely is.

 

:) Normal service has been resumed. 

Who says we can't type "sex", or that not doing so is a normal request?  

 

Also, there is no such thing as normal service, for you or anyone.  And that's not being pedantic, although it is being asshole-ish.    :)

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Sally
7 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I should be marking student papers at the moment, so in lieu of that: 'you need to argue not just assert'.

Ah, THAT'S why you continue to be an AVEN member, despite its shortcomings:  distraction.    

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Apostle

@ryn2. I'm curious to know why you have stated that your sexuality is effectively 'ace'? 

Is it because of your experience(s) or because this website has enlightened you?

 

The thing is, I think that there are many more people like you, if it's true that you're not quite sure who you are, who don't fit into a gender category (not that I think anyone should, tbh) so this poses a big problem for those who do know who they are but are then bewildered by the large array of genders to choose from, not knowing if they can be gender matched.

Is there a way that this disparity can be highlighted in any way do you think?

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I'm curious to know why you have stated that your sexuality is effectively 'ace'? 

I had been in a very long relationship with someone I once loved very, very much but have never found sexually attractive.  At the time we met I thought that it would grow over time, but it didn’t.

 

Before that, I had some relationships (my first, especially) where I was very sexually attracted to the other person and some where I wasn’t.  While sex has never been my “love language,” if you will, I don’t think it was just a case of using whoever was there as masturbatory aid either.

 

I’ve said this before, but over the course of the long relationship I’ve had a number of things transpire - I’m nearly 25 years older than I was when we met, I spent a long time making myself have sex with that partner when I really didn’t want to (and had reason to believe he was ace), I had a stroke, I went on medication (some of which can affect libido), I went through perimenopause and then menopause.  All that took place over the last 17 years.  In the past 10 or so, and especially the past five, my libido has all but vanished.

 

I’ve also never found older people sexually attractive at all, and nowadays I’m certainly one of them.

 

So, at this point in my life - although I can’t relate at all to the younger aces (and even some of the older ones) who grew up oblivious to/disinterested in sex, I don’t foresee embarking upon another sexual relationship.

 

So, I may as well be asexual at this point.  I don’t think I so much discovered an underlying thing about myself as had my sexuality die over time.

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ryn2
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

someone I once loved very, very much but have never found sexually attractive.

This is actually not exactly right.  I found him very sexually attractive until we actually moved it to the bedroom and attempted sex, at which point I found his mannerisms very off-putting.  He was much less sexually experienced than I was, so I figured he was just nervous and it would get better.

 

When I first came on here I could really relate to all the “had to drink to fake it,” “did it because I was expected to,” and “he thought it was fine but it never was” talk.  It turns out I can’t relate to a lot of the underlying stuff, though.

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