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Fellow Sexuals

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Ceebs. said:

I don't make plans with people because there's about a 75% chance (and that's being generous) that I'll cancel them.

If I have to go through with plans I make sure it’s something I’ve paid for in advance 😂 because then I feel obligated to make myself go.

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1 minute ago, Sally said:

Well, no, but I just realized I feel rather fandom-ish for liking every single one of yours and Skulls' comments.  So I'm going to stop and expect both of you to assume I approve.  

That was my assumption, yup! :D:wub:

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skullery
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I just had to frame the whole thing differently for myself, so it wouldn’t bother me, and now it doesn’t.  :)

 

Years ago I had these two mutual friends. One of them, E, has the habit of asking people to hang out without telling them that she's invited many people to hang out. It's a bit of a mindfuck if you're an introvert and show up to what you think is a one on one coffee chat and end up with 6 people, headed to a porch party. Our other friend, B, hated that she did this because it always hurt his feelings when he'd show up and other people would be there. 

 

I didn't understand it. E invited me out once and I showed up to a group, and thereafter I just understood that plans were probably not exclusive. When they were, it was a pleasant surprise. When they weren't, I wasn't disappointed. I never understood why B kept insisting E was being an asshole when we all knew exactly what was going to happen. Why set yourself up for disappointment? 

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ryn2
18 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I'm good at, like... being friendly to the cashier at the grocery store by making dad jokes. Or asking nerdy questions of the lab tech who's drawing my blood. It kind of weirds me out, I come across as very open and friendly hahaha.

So much same!

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skullery
4 minutes ago, Sally said:

Well, no, but I just realized I feel rather fandom-ish for liking every single one of yours and Skulls' comments.  So I'm going to stop and expect both of you to assume I approve.  

Nope, active adulation or bust!! 

 

(kidding...) 

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Sally

OK, I had to like that one.  

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Serran

Plans are evil. I usually end up feeling ugh do I have to leave the house... just want bed and netflix...

 

And I tend to just reply to people online as I can. Dont talk a lot. Can be months between convos for some. 

 

My partner excluded. I want to do everything with her. But, honestly, even with her plans for sexual stuff can sometimes end up lets not tonight..  

 

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Just now, ryn2 said:

So much same!

I carried on an impromptu conversation with my landlords (a husband and wife) the summer before last, hanging out on the front porch for nearly half an hour, mostly discussing the problems with a recent basement-flooding-with-sewage issue (yes it was absolutely as gross as it sounds) but also a bit of chatter about mundane stuff, and afterwards I was practically on a high for the rest of the day, thinking, "HOLY FUCK I CAN INTERACT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN!" :D 

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ryn2

I do it all the time at work.  I just don’t seem to be able to apply it in friendom.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
Just now, Serran said:

Plans are evil.

Omg I thought you were talking about @Chimeric's partner and I was so confused trying to make sense of what you were saying!!!

 

It's 1.35pm and I haven't had my morning coffee yet. I'm blaming the lack of covfefe.

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Just now, ryn2 said:

I do it all the time at work.  I just don’t seem to be able to apply it in friendom.

I imagine it's because there's a practical point to it and it's relatively brief and you don't have to get personal and *shudder* vulnerable.

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skullery
Just now, Ceebs. said:

 don't have to get *shudder* vulnerable.

Ughhhhhhhhh for real. 

 

Just existing makes me too vulnerable. 😂

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Chimeric
7 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

Omg I thought you were talking about @Chimeric's partner and I was so confused trying to make sense of what you were saying!!!

 

It's 1.35pm and I haven't had my morning coffee yet. I'm blaming the lack of covfefe.

In fairness, my plans are @Evil, so.... =D

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
Just now, ryn2 said:

I do it all the time at work.  I just don’t seem to be able to apply it in friendom.

Same!

 

I'm very friendly and able to have very interesting, engaging convos with randoms (even cashiers etc). And as anyone can tell, I'm great at conversing in the forums (publicly). I can go for days and days in one convo, typing thousands of words over many, many accumulated hours :P

 

Get me alone and I can be damn good at convo for the first few messages, but then I become overhelemed and scuttle away to hide and lick my brain wounds.

 

Seriously, I'm just not a good person to get to know privately. My brain just doesn't function right for it or something. Sigh.

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Just now, Skullery Maid said:

Ughhhhhhhhh for real. 

 

Just existing makes me too vulnerable. 😂

No shit, that's why I've spent my life trying to actually physically disappear, or get as close to it as possible.

 

*refrains from giving everyone in this thread an unsolicited lesson in the psychology of eating disorders*

 

It's very worth it sometimes though, that whole vulnerability crap. ❤️

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 minute ago, Chimeric said:

In fairness, my plans are @Evil, so.... =D

Ahaha, that was so funny I'd have spat my coffee out laughing if I'd actually gotten up to make it since I typed my comment about not having coffee :P

 

..Sadly though I am still sitting here without coffee. But still, made me laugh! haha

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ryn2
1 minute ago, Ficto. said:

I'd have spat my coffee out laughing if I'd actually gotten up to make it

Whew, laziness pays!!  :)

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skullery
1 minute ago, Ficto. said:

..Sadly though I am still sitting here without coffee. 

For crying out loud get coffee what are you thinking??! :P

 

4 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

Seriously, I'm just not a good person to get to know privately. My brain just doesn't function right for it or something. Sigh.

Same. And it's not like my incredibly inconsistent communication style is the only problem. Let's see, there's... lying to always please them, being angry when they don't lie to please me, feeling personally attacked by misplaced punctuation... 

 

I'm a fucking nightmare. 

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2 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

feeling personally attacked by misplaced punctuation... 

Hahahaha. That's an important one though. :D 

 

2 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

I'm a fucking nightmare. 

I will not even pretend for a single second that that's not true. :P

 

But same, sooooo... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

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Serran

Its easy at work for me. Most people I work with do all the talking so I just listen or give polite mmhmm, oh, that is sad, etc. Yay for social rules being easy to just follow. 

 

My friends are people like my first ex (who i keep in contact with) who we talk sometimes, not much. We caught up IRL two years ago. So there but not actively needing attention. 

 

Only friend I talk to regularly in PM is @Puck. Other people its casual public convos, polite nonsense. I dont connect with many people to the point of talking and spending time with. 

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ryn2

Yeah, this is why my partner’s ditching me has been challenging.  Everyone says “eh, just rely on your family and friends.”  Welp, no family... and my partner was the only friend I actually spent time with regularly.  I *have* friends, even locally, but not “hey, can you stop over and help me do xyz?” friends.

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ryn2
44 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I've spent my life trying to actually physically disappear, or get as close to it as possible.

 

*refrains from giving everyone in this thread an unsolicited lesson in the psychology of eating disorders*

Based on the timing and what was going on in my life I think I was less trying to disappear and more trying not to transform from a kind of androgynous teenaged thing into a Woman(TM).

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15 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I *have* friends, even locally, but not “hey, can you stop over and help me do xyz?” friends.

Oh yeah I have none of those either. Thankfully I still live with my husband as close friends/family even though we're not in a relationship anymore, because it's the arrangement that makes the most sense for now (nothing can change very imminently anyway and I have various health struggles), and we're both ok with it. It's nice having the company of someone familiar and someone who can help out. But yeah, I know a few people in my city... although we stay in touch online hahaha, just like I do with friends who live on the opposite side of the planet. I have no one else in the "Hey, can you actually help me out?" category. I used to, when I lived in my first apartment. She was my upstairs neighbour, a single woman about 18 years my senior. I guess technically old enough to be my mum, but more like a trusted older friend. And she was a mental health mess too haha. I miss her a lot, we both moved away from that place in 2014 -- she moved to Québec and I temporarily (and grudgingly) moved back to the city where I was born for practical reasons (I moved back this city again in 2016). She visits occasionally and I'm so happy we're still in touch. But I've not made any other connections like that since, unfortunately.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Thankfully I still live with my husband as close friends/family even though we're not in a relationship anymore, because it's the arrangement that makes the most sense for now (nothing can change very imminently anyway and I have various health struggles), and we're both ok with it

I thought something like this would happen... or we would at least live nearby... but he abruptly moved 2000 miles away.  I was woefully unprepared!

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I used to, when I lived in my first apartment. She was my upstairs neighbour, a single woman about 18 years my senior. I guess technically old enough to be my mum, but more like a trusted older friend. And she was a mental health mess too haha. I miss her a lot, we both moved away from that place in 2014 -- she moved to Québec and I temporarily (and grudgingly) moved back to the city where I was born for practical reasons (I moved back this city again in 2016). She visits occasionally and I'm so happy we're still in touch. But I've not made any other connections like that since, unfortunately.

I used to as well; my next-door neighbor, about 20 years my senior.  Unfortunately last fall she decided living alone in a house had finally become too much for her and moved to an apartment about 30 minutes away.

 

Saturday night is wine night.  Oops!  🤐

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14 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Based on the timing and what was going on in my life I think I was less trying to disappear and more trying not to transform from a kind of androgynous teenaged thing into a Woman(TM).

I relate to that too. Well, not the androgynous part so much as... ehh, it's a huge stereotype, but it's true for me, so whatever... as much as I was trying to avoid growing up. I didn't know how to handle the world in general in so many ways and I also didn't want to be a Woman™ -- because something about having to deal with Men™, in more than a friendship sense, was terrifying to me. Lol, I have no idea why I didn't figure the gay thing out sooner, but it's not very surprising to me that I ended up in a relationship with an asexual man. It was non-threatening.

 

I will definitely say that being in a relationship that fits with my orientation and feels normal and innate and safe has done a massive amount of good for my mental health and my comfort with myself. It's priceless. Skullz might be a self-proclaimed nightmare at times haha, but I don't really see that aspect. I see someone who helped me understand what a loving and healthy relationship is. 

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Skullz might be a self-proclaimed nightmare at times haha, but I don't really see that aspect. I see someone who helped me understand what a loving and healthy relationship is.

Fitting together well is a lot more important than “being normal.”

 

3 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I also didn't want to be a Woman™ -- because something about having to deal with Men™, in more than a friendship sense, was terrifying to me.

I wasn’t having problems with that at the time, but getting curves+adulting was too much like turning into my (obese, unpleasant) mother.

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Puck
57 minutes ago, Serran said:

Its easy at work for me. Most people I work with do all the talking so I just listen or give polite mmhmm, oh, that is sad, etc. Yay for social rules being easy to just follow. 

 

My friends are people like my first ex (who i keep in contact with) who we talk sometimes, not much. We caught up IRL two years ago. So there but not actively needing attention. 

 

Only friend I talk to regularly in PM is @Puck. Other people its casual public convos, polite nonsense. I dont connect with many people to the point of talking and spending time with. 

We the lucky few feel grateful you have graced us with your time, wisdom, and experience though, if that counts for anything 😋

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Just now, ryn2 said:

Fitting together well is a lot more important than “being normal.”

Hahaha yeah, it sure is.

 

Just now, ryn2 said:

I wasn’t having problems with that at the time, but getting curves+adulting was too much like turning into my (obese, unpleasant) mother.

Ugh I'm sorry you had to deal with an unpleasant parent. My own parental relationships are kinda fucked up. I'm loved, I know that, but we don't connect well (definitely didn't even more so back then) and can be extremely toxic to each other.

 

The "getting curves and adulting" thing in a general (not mum-related) sense is familiar. Body changes grossed me out and scared the shit out of me. I still struggle with that, but not really in the "adulting" way. I have a lot of intense sensory issues, physical stuff that I just can't cope very well with. The way clothing touches my skin, the way one part of me touches another, that sort of thing. I find it very hard to live in a body. Becoming significantly underweight was a way to minimise many physical sensations.

 

The sensory stuff goes two ways, though. I basically either abhor a sensation and it feels like torture and makes me want to rip myself apart and escape OR it's very pleasurable and I want to immerse myself in it completely and obsessively haha. One example I use a lot is things like wind and rain. Like standing outside in a thunderstorm. I love that. Or music that I can really feel. I get totally lost in that stuff in a really good way. Or sometimes I get too lost in it and have a panic attack even though it's a good thing, because I'm a Crazy Person™. :D I gotta know my own limits so I don't become ungrounded.

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ryn2
1 minute ago, Ceebs. said:

I'm loved, I know that, but we don't connect well (definitely didn't even more so back then) and can be extremely toxic to each other.

Yeah, my mom died when I was in my mid-30’s (my dad, with whom I was always closer, died when I was 30) so we never got to move past our issues.

 

3 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

The sensory stuff goes two ways, though. I basically either abhor a sensation and it feels like torture and makes me want to rip myself apart and escape OR it's very pleasurable and I want to immerse myself in it completely and obsessively haha.

Yeah, I totally get both sides of this.

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