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Fellow Sexuals

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alibali
2 hours ago, Sally said:

"Any other excuse"?   No one needs an "excuse" to not enjoy sex, or anything else for that matter.  

Quite.  I would imagine that asexuals are bored during sex because to an asexual it's a pointless activity.

 

If I had been completely honest when asked what else I would like to try my answer would have been "there's a great new beer at the local pub!". Apologies for being flippant.

 

I used to be willing to try different things, but as an asexual it was difficult for me to imagine what that might be. Occasionally certain things would lead to a physical sensation but not reliably.

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Apostle
On 1/16/2019 at 10:09 PM, Winged Whisperer said:

 

x

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anisotrophic

Can't someone go to the therapist solo, to talk about what they might do regarding an SO that seems unwilling to communicate?

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Can't someone go to the therapist solo, to talk about what they might do regarding an SO that seems unwilling to communicate?

*nods*

 

I was going to suggest that as well.  Along with the standard options for individual counseling and therapy, partners of reluctant-to-participate people can also see a couples/family counselor or therapist alone.

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Telecaster68

It's what I did. 

 

We're separated now.

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Winged Whisperer
11 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Can't someone go to the therapist solo, to talk about what they might do regarding an SO that seems unwilling to communicate? 

They can actually do that yes, but it's not as efficient or effective as going together. A therapist can see where both sides are coming from rather than taking what one person says. I'll be honest, the early days when I used to go to the therapist with my girlfriend was for the therapist to act as a judge that my girlfriend would safely trust, because many times I knew what the issues were, but me saying it would come off as offensive or aggressive.

 

2 hours ago, Apostle said:

If you're talking about Uhtred and I then yes, there is a communication problem. I cannot speak for him but for me it is my SO who doesn't want to talk about it.

I would like to but hey, you can't force someone, can you?

Wait, what? You are Uhtred's wife? You both seem to be saying what you want on this forum.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

They can actually do that yes, but it's not as efficient or effective as going together. A therapist can see where both sides are coming from rather than taking what one person says

They'll also make it entirely about the person in front of them, and what they can do; and if their partner has decided they don't want to be involved in any change, it can mean that partner gets left behind as the more engaged person inevitably moves on, psychologically.

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ryn2
18 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

They can actually do that yes, but it's not as efficient or effective as going together. A therapist can see where both sides are coming from rather than taking what one person says. I'll be honest, the early days when I used to go to the therapist with my girlfriend was for the therapist to act as a judge that my girlfriend would safely trust, because many times I knew what the issues were, but me saying it would come off as offensive or aggressive.

Agreed, but if a partner won’t go it’s better than nothing.

 

Going together (and both willingly participating) > going together (where one is only going through the motions) > going alone > not going

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ryn2

I suppose some of it depends on how broadly you’re willing to consider something “improving the situation.”

 

If leaving is not an option you are willing to entertain and your partner is not willing to participate in counseling or therapy then going alone and “stirring things up” for yourself with no outlet may not always be better than just living with what is.  It probably depends on how much (and what about) living with it bugs you.

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Telecaster68
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I suppose some of it depends on how broadly you’re willing to consider something “improving the situation.”

 

If leaving is not an option you are willing to entertain and your partner is not willing to participate in counseling or therapy then going alone and “stirring things up” for yourself with no outlet may not always be better than just living with what is.  It probably depends on how much (and what about) living with it bugs you.

Which comes down to how miserable you are.

 

I think a lot of partners of asexuals and crypto-asexuals who get into the general realm of perseverating with the relationship are probably playing out their own shit to a degree. I know I was. Therapy can help resolve that, but I don't think anyone can guarantee a specific outcome.

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ryn2

I suppose the broad goal of therapy is to work through some of the issues which are holding you back.  How that translates into affecting your life as a whole (do you quit your job or love it more?  do you feel more at peace in your relationship, or more inclined to end it?) is - as you said - less predictable.

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BoardingAsp

So question for you guys. My partner recently discovered they are ace, and since then I’ve been feeling less and less desire for sex and things of that sort. Has anyone else had an experience like that?

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ryn2

Welcome to AVEN, @BoardingAsp!  I’ll let everyone speak to the details but, yes, a number of people here have reported what you describe.

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Telecaster68
38 minutes ago, BoardingAsp said:

So question for you guys. My partner recently discovered they are ace, and since then I’ve been feeling less and less desire for sex and things of that sort. Has anyone else had an experience like that?

Most sexual partners get this, in one form or another. It's pretty natural - who actively wants to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them?

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anisotrophic

@BoardingAsp yup. I think for me there was a combo of feeling guilt about consent & feeling too angry/vulnerable with the asymmetry.

 

I plowed through it because the alternatives seemed worse... for about two months I was forcing myself to have sex despite feeling upset about it. (At first I couldn't finish.) My partner helped me through that! Very funny, right? My therapist observed I was doing exposure therapy on myself...

 

I think we made this effort together because, for me love and sexuality are entangled so it's hard for me to feel love without wanting to reach out "in that way" (there's a lot of ways to accomplish it); failing to do that leaves me feeling distanced romantically, especially if I'm physically around my partner.

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uhtred
10 hours ago, BoardingAsp said:

So question for you guys. My partner recently discovered they are ace, and since then I’ve been feeling less and less desire for sex and things of that sort. Has anyone else had an experience like that?

Yes, I think a lot of us.  Many feel that sex is a *shared* experience - and finding out it isn't shared makes it less meaningful.  Sadly since sex, romance and love are often tied together, the unfortunately obvious happens. 

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BoardingAsp
14 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Yes, I think a lot of us.  Many feel that sex is a *shared* experience - and finding out it isn't shared makes it less meaningful.  Sadly since sex, romance and love are often tied together, the unfortunately obvious happens. 

I'm sorry I'm not sure I know what you mean by "the unfortunately obvious"?  

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anisotrophic
5 minutes ago, BoardingAsp said:

I'm sorry I'm not sure I know what you mean by "the unfortunately obvious"?  

I think @uhtred may be alluding to a risk of eventually falling out of love, as a consequence of no longer experiencing sexual intimacy. Perhaps, falling for someone else.

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Apostle
On 1/17/2019 at 2:03 PM, ryn2 said:

 

x

 

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Apostle
On 1/18/2019 at 4:15 AM, anisotropic said:

 

x

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Apostle
On 1/17/2019 at 1:43 PM, Winged Whisperer said:

 

x

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ryn2
36 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Well, not necessarily. It won't solve the problem, will it?

If the asexual partner doesn't see their relationship as a problem regarding sexual incompatibility then they may resent the fact that a third partner is interfering.

 

It can help you work through your own feelings, give you tips on ways to communicate more effectively, and help solidify next steps.

 

It doesn’t solve the sexual mismatch problem, no, but it can help with communication issues. Lack of effective communication is one of the differences often mentioned between mixed relationships that work reasonable well and those which don’t.

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ryn2
22 minutes ago, Apostle said:

That's why WW you have seemed to misunderstood my post!

When WW said “have you guys seen a therapist,” they meant uhtred and his wife.  So, it seems you first misunderstood their post.

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Apostle
On 1/18/2019 at 11:03 AM, ryn2 said:

 

x

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ryn2
Just now, Apostle said:

I didn't misunderstand the post at all. I read it as referring to us men.

Well, you did if they didn’t mean “us men”...

 

Agreed that there’s probably some local usage confusion involved, though, as in at least parts of the US we do (and have done for many years) use “guys” to address groups of two or more people regardless of gender.

 

We wouldn’t call a woman a guy individually (“my wife is the blond guy over by the ice cream”), but we often say “hey, what are you guys up to?” or “okay, guys, I know that was funny but can you keep the noise down?  Other people are trying to work,” to mixed groups (or to pets).

 

It’s mostly because there isn’t a comparable female equivalent, at least in US english.

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ryn2

In the US, “ladies and gentlemen” (or just gentlemen, even if there are women in the group) is common in a business meeting.  So is “people” when speaking about groups (“you people” is considered aggressive).  “Boys and girls” is used for children and wouldn’t normally be used  in a formal business setting unless the group is misbehaving and the leader is intentionally patronizing them to call attention to their childish behavior.

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uhtred
12 hours ago, BoardingAsp said:

I'm sorry I'm not sure I know what you mean by "the unfortunately obvious"?  

For many sexuals, if their sex life decreases, so does their feelings of romance and love.   It can cause a relationship to become a sort of dry roommate arrangement,  rather than a passionate loving one.   Some asexuals don't understand this and wonder "what is wrong - why does he / she seem so distant?"  

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ryn2
3 minutes ago, uhtred said:

For many sexuals, if their sex life decreases, so does their feelings of romance and love.   It can cause a relationship to become a sort of dry roommate arrangement,  rather than a passionate loving one.   Some asexuals don't understand this and wonder "what is wrong - why does he / she seem so distant?"  

I wonder, too, if part of the impact of poor verbal communication on relationships is that other forms of communication (including sex) take on more importance because they need to fill that gap.

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Telecaster68
20 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I wonder, too, if part of the impact of poor verbal communication on relationships is that other forms of communication (including sex) take on more importance because they need to fill that gap.

To the extent that we all lean on some forms of communication more than others, yes. You could say verbal communication is taking up the slack of poor sexual communication. 

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anisotrophic

 

 

8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You could say verbal communication is taking up the slack of poor sexual communication. 

I fear joking about my sexuality has somewhat taken the place of experiencing it. 😂

 

But humor is one way to lessen the sting of something.

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