Jump to content
hiddentears

Fellow Sexuals

Recommended Posts

ryn2
31 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I'm pretty sure I'm not, or else they'd have been telling people with things like vaginismus "welp, sorry, you're fucked, nothing we/you can do about that" which I'm also pretty sure is not a thing that actually happens, at least not nowadays and not with any doctor worth their degree

It’s worded more nicely but a lot of the advice given isn’t much more useful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

I imagine there are treatments, but they don't always work to the same extent with different people.

Yeah, but neither does Viagra >_>

 

It's still not the same thing as there being no treatments.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Viagra and similar drugs treat one very specific cause of erectile dysfunction, and have side effects some people find unmanageable.

 

Vaginismus is plagued by the same problems that long limited effective treatment for fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome: it’s often not taken seriously, advice is often along the lines of “learn to manage your stress!”, it’s seen as being weak/a special snowflake rather than a true medical issue, etc.

 

As there’s been more focus on women’s health in recent years that’s slowly changing.

 

I’ll skip past the insurance coverage soapbox.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

I won't deny that it probably gets more medical focus (at least if all the advertisements I hear/see about ED treatment are any indication), but from what I hear, ED is also a typical source of shame and ridicule for males too so it's not like females are alone in that particular department.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

It’s unusual for men to be shamed and ridiculed by their doctors for ED, though.  It’s taken seriously from a medical perspective.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
25 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Vaginismus is plagued by the same problems that long limited effective treatment for fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome: it’s often not taken seriously, advice is often along the lines of “learn to manage your stress!”, it’s seen as being weak/a special snowflake rather than a true medical issue, etc.

I probably should have been more specific here.  I meant this is how the conditions were largely seen within the medical community.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran

1) Hate shoes, shopping and only reason I even have one bag is cause womens clothes lack pockets that can fit anything in them. Seriously, just give me a pocket I can put a cell phone in. Not all women like that stuff. 😛

 

2) What ficto describes in wanting a partner to be sexually compatible is basically the same as what worked for me. Sex can happen or not happen, it isnt a requirement and there is lack of pressure. And what we do sexually is only what we both mutually desire. Both I and my partner lack desire for things if the other doesnt want it. 

 

That doesnt make it a dominant or controlling thing though. It is a mutual thing that we both are OK with or without but we both like certain things based on each other enjoying the things. 

 

And having been with non-compatible people and now a compatible one, I would never go back to non-compatible so dont blame ficto for waiting for the right one. The complete lack of pressure and stress around sexual stuff is such a load off my mind being with my spouse. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali

Vaginismus is a recognised condition.  Unfortunately it's also a symptom with many different causes, physical, mental and for asexuals, orientation. The first two are treatable.

 

Full vaginismus makes penetration impossible. Personally I only experienced this a few times. The rest of the time it was just painful and unpleasant. I wasn't exactly repulsed, but the bodily fluids, the odours were abhorrent.

 

I was honest about my lack of interest but dishonest about detail of how I felt as above as I felt it would be hurtful. I didn't realise that my lack of interest was also hurtful because I didn't personally miss it so didn't think others would.

 

I do think it is important for people to understand each other.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 2:31 PM, ryn2 said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

There’s a lot of societal pressure on women to be fashionable and look nice.  A man who takes one suit on a business trip, or wears one suit for a series of interviews, and just changes shirts and/or ties goes unnoticed, where women are expected to be in a new outfit each time.

 

Certainly there are women who enjoy shopping.  There are also men who do.  My most recent partner had way more garments and shoes than I do... probably close to, if not more than, as many shirts as I’ve owned in my whole lifetime.  There are also plenty of all genders who don’t like it at all.

 

There are women who love cars, men who live crocheting, etc.

 

Lots of stereotypes.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza
2 hours ago, Apostle said:

Sorry I disagree. It's no coincidence that womens clothes for instance far outnumber mens. Why is that?

Go into any shoe shop and there will be at least twice as many choices of shoes for women as for men. Even the colours are better. Mens shoes are basically all the same. Not had anything much different since the 70's when platforms were introduced!

Social norms. Men aren't 'allowed' to like shopping or bright colours, women are pressured into looking 'fashionable' at all times. Enbies don't even exist.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
33 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Social norms. Men aren't 'allowed' to like shopping or bright colours, women are pressured into looking 'fashionable' at all times. Enbies don't even exist.

In the early 18th century, some men were utter fops who were just as fashion obsessed as any woman, ever. Also... glam rock. New romantics.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thea2
9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In the early 18th century, some men were utter fops who were just as fashion obsessed as any woman, ever. ...

True. https://goo.gl/images/7jGuA3

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali

I hate shopping but mostly because of crowds and gratuitous consumption.  I quite like clothes. I'm female. I'm also asexual. I like to wear flattering clothes but don't care about fashion. And handbags are useful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
22 minutes ago, alibali said:

I hate shopping but mostly because of crowds and gratuitous consumption.  I quite like clothes. I'm female. I'm also asexual. I like to wear flattering clothes but don't care about fashion. And handbags are useful.

I went shopping for myself for the first time in literally years yesterday because they had a clearance on some tops that would fit me now that I've lost a fair bit of weight (most of my clothes are hanging off me hence why I needed something new). I don't hate or love shopping, it's just something I do for myself when I absolutely have to which is very rarely.

 

What I do hate is the stereotype that females love shopping or love clothes or whatever. Sure plenty do, plenty also don't. And I've met plenty of guys who love shopping and clothes just as much as some females do. Any 'metrosexual' guy who loves to look good is going to spend a fair bit of time shopping. It's definitely a personality thing and not a gender thing.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
nanogretchen4

Okay, so Louis XIV matched his furniture to his outfits. Also, he is wearing a ballerina outfit under his robes. I fell like at some point he and his courtiers will all throw of their robes and there will be a big dance number.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 8:47 PM, Telecaster68 said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
10 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Where have all the men's fashion designers gone?

Perhaps like you they were swayed by the stereotype that fashion was a women’s thing.  :)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

My most recent partner had way more garments and shoes than I do... probably close to, if not more than, as many shirts as I’ve owned in my whole lifetime.  

Yep same with two of my exes (my physical ex and an online one).

 

Here's my physical ex (my two girls dad) 

 

Edit: the rest of this comment is in the spoiler but AVEN broke and enclosed the whole comment in the spoiler which for some reason cannot be edited. I just copied the rest of my comment into a separate response for those who don't read spoilers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2v9byb5.jpg
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

all that leather and chains and pericings and shit cost a LOT of money and yes he actually paid for the stuff that he didn't steal lol. He had a massive wardrobe of dark shit with sculls and studs and leather and stuff. So it's not even the fashionable guys who go out of their way to spend a lot of money to own a lot of clothes. I mean, look at Goth guys.. that stuff doesn't come cheap.

 

One of my exes from AVEN was always ordering himself new tops online because he loves designer T shirts with cool images on the front. Now with my new tops I own like 6 tops and that's more than I've owned in years haha. I own a couple of dresses, a couple of skirts, no pants at all right now, and socks and underwear. And actually.. no all my exes now that I think about it owned a lot more clothes than I do :P

 

10 hours ago, Apostle said:

I was talking about the female mind and the fact that there is some form of compulsion that is not necessarily found in men, like shopping for example. The number of females who shop far exceeds the men.

 

 

My most recent AVEN partner owned a massive album collection. He loved shopping online and at stores and stuff for vinyl albums. Both my brothers own over a thousand dollars worth of games and many thousands of dollars worth of technology each and I know many, many men like that. Think of all the men you know who love to buy the latest gadgets? 

 

Believe me, men often looooove to shop as well, it's just not always clothes they love shopping for lol.

 

(and even then I still hate this gender stereotyping because I myself spend a shitload more money on gadgets and books than I ever have on clothes, as do some other females. My gadget and book collection is probably worth about $6,000 all up but my wardrobe would be worth about $200 at the very most and that's including shoes. The most expensive item of clothing I own is my one bra that fits me which costed $50 because my size doesn't come cheap. But there are plenty of males who love to shop for games, technology, music..  no one can deny they've met men who love to buy these things lol even if they claim they've never met a man who loves clothes)

 

15 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Where have all the men's fashion designers gone?

I'm assuming you've never watched the fashion channel? There are whole catwalk shows for guys fashion. And maybe you don't like modern men's fashion but knowing fashionable men myself, I know it's alive and well haha.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Sigh, I'm on my phone and the spoiler broke (it literally broke, can't be edited in any way) so I'm just going to post the rest of the comment from under the picture here for those who don't open spoilers.

One of my exes from AVEN was always ordering himself new tops online because he loves designer T shirts with cool images on the front. Now with my new tops I own like 6 tops and that's more than I've owned in years haha. I own a couple of dresses, a couple of skirts, no pants at all right now, and socks and underwear. And actually.. no all my exes now that I think about it owned a lot more clothes than I do :P

 

Apostle said:

"I was talking about the female mind and the fact that there is some form of compulsion that is not necessarily found in men, like shopping for example. The number of females who shop far exceeds the men."

 

 

My most recent AVEN partner owned a massive album collection. He loved shopping online and at stores and stuff for vinyl albums. Both my brothers own over a thousand dollars worth of games and many thousands of dollars worth of technology each and I know many, many men like that. Think of all the men you know who love to buy the latest gadgets? 

 

Believe me, men often looooove to shop as well, it's just not always clothes they love shopping for lol.

 

(and even then I still hate this gender stereotyping because I myself spend a shitload more money on gadgets and books than I ever have on clothes, as do some other females. My gadget and book collection is probably worth about $6,000 all up but my wardrobe would be worth about $200 at the very most and that's including shoes. The most expensive item of clothing I own is my one bra that fits me which costed $50 because my size doesn't come cheap. But there are plenty of males who love to shop for games, technology, music..  no one can deny they've met men who love to buy these things lol even if they claim they've never met a man who loves clothes)

 

Apostle said:

"Where have all the men's fashion designers gone?"

I'm assuming you've never watched the fashion channel? There are whole catwalk shows for guys fashion. And maybe you don't like modern men's fashion but knowing fashionable men myself, I know it's alive and well haha.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
iff

Yes, for me buying books and CDs are my big purchase compulsion. I have had to introduce a quota that I can only buy so many when I go to Dublin and invariably break it

 

Clothes wise, I think they charge me per pound ;)

 

I spend multiples on book than I do on clothes

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
14 hours ago, Ficto. said:

what awakened my desire because it took total pressure off me to *need* to preform and gave me the luxury of being able to explore at my leisure

 

14 hours ago, Apostle said:

Yes Ficto, but you are quite a dominant figure in your relationship where he only has sex when YOU want it.


Only wanting sex when a partner wants it means that second partner is "dominant"?!

I would hope most people want to have sex when a partner wants it. I sometimes feel like a monster for pushing past that, but he's willing, and the alternative was worse. It took a lot to accept that it was OK to ask if he tells me it's okay.

This feels like one of your gender stereotype things? A man's gotta screw, he's got "needs" -- his partner is supposed to provide? Oh hell. If this is how sexual men think, maybe it's why I ended up with an ace, it sounds like a repulsive attitude. (In retrospect, I'm pretty sure I was hitting on an ace before this. I look back on myself sometimes, and am fascinated.)

But why wonder what's going on in your head here. Bringing "handbags" into this really said it all. smh.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
18 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

 


Only wanting sex when a partner wants it means that second partner is "dominant"?!

I would hope most people want to have sex when a partner wants it. I sometimes feel like a monster for pushing past that, but he's willing, and the alternative was worse. It took a lot to accept that it was OK to ask if he tells me it's okay.

This feels like one of your gender stereotype things? A man's gotta screw, he's got "needs" -- his partner is supposed to provide? Oh hell. If this is how sexual men think, maybe it's why I ended up with an ace, it sounds like a repulsive attitude. (In retrospect, I'm pretty sure I was hitting on an ace before this. I look back on myself sometimes, and am fascinated.)

But why wonder what's going on in your head here. Bringing "handbags" into this really said it all. smh.

Yeah I was feeling the same but was trying not to let myself get too riled up so close to Christmas :P you expressed my internal thoughts perfectly though. I spent so many years only giving sex when men wanted it that I never had the opportunity to want it for myself. I found out much later that a man who only wants sex when I want it (and has no real interest in sex otherwise) is actually a massive turn on for me and that turns out to be very mutually pleasurable for both of us because he gets off massively on having me gagging for him and loving the sex because I was so aroused, haha.. and I get off on him getting off on my desire. So it's very mutually rewarding and pleasurable and means I never feel pressure which is what instantly kills my libido. If he's going to be expecting me to open my legs every time he is horny then I'm going to 1) feel very used and 2) get instant burnout which will kill any desire I may otherwise have been able to have for him. But knowing instead that he's perfectly happy to masturbate when I'm not ready for sex, but will also be extremely turned on by me wanting it when I do want it.. well, that's the perfect relationship dynamic for me.

 

But yeah it certainly doesn't seem 'domineering' to ask that a man only have sex with me when I myself am ready for it so I can enjoy it properly. I'm merely stating my needs so as not to end up getting used and any man who would potentially be in a relationship with me will be someone who not only is capable of wanting the same, but actively agrees that yes it's important that the woman want the sex as well so she can enjoy it too if it's going to happen!!

 

Of course I'm not saying that the guy isn't allowed to not be in the mood when I am ready for sex, if he's too tired or whatever then that's absolutely okay and I can just masturbate. But in my experience with sexual men they often get really turned on very quickly if the woman they love is touching herself all wet and ready asking them to come and help her orgasm :P That's one of the beautiful things about male sexual arousal - if the lady is ready it's often very easy for her to get the man ready as well. Doesn't work quite so easily the other way around a lot of the time though (unfortunately. Believe me @Apostle my life would have been a lot easier if I could want and enjoy sex because a man was ready for it!)

 

30 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Oh hell. If this is how sexual men think, maybe it's why I ended up with an ace, it sounds like a repulsive attitude.

Yeah exactly! That's why I spent so many years thinking I was ace because all the sexual men I encountered had an attitude towards sex that turned me off so fast I couldn't make myself want it with them :o The partner who awakened my desire was actually identifying as fully asexual when I met him (as was I). Neither of us realised how much our unique desire patterns would turn the other on. He had never had a girl get aroused enough by him to want to explore sexual things with him, and when I got that arousal he was astonished by his sudden desire to engage in sexual activity with me, it was something he'd never experienced before. And for me, when I first tentatively admitted I'd been thinking about him like that (thinking he would reject me because of him being ace etc) it was a massive turn on having him get so sexually excited by my arousal. We pretty much became hypersexual with each other for the year we were together just because our desire patterns synched so perfectly. He'd never even mentioned sex before that because he just didn't think about it, and that's what first started turning me on a bit, knowing I'd never be under pressure from this beautiful, smart, funny guy (who was also a good friend by that point) to have sex with him. Then to have him react to my arousal with so much lust when I actually just assumed he would reject me.. well, we were perfectly sexually matched and I was often ready for it two times a day or more as a result haha.. the lack of pressure or expectation was just a massive turn on for me.

 

We had to split up (amiably!) because of distance and family pressures for him, but if I'm ever to have a partner again, I won't expect anything less than that perfect sexual synchronicity. I'm not going to sacrifice my own sexual enjoyment just so a man can get his rocks off whenever he feels like it :o I'd rather we BOTH love and enjoy the sex mutually and I don't think that's such a tall order at all, I actually that's something all sexual women (actually, all sexual people in general) should aim for in their sexual relationships where possible. Obviously I'm not talking about mixed relationships here but you know what I mean. If you're actively seeking a sexual partner like I am, you should seek one who will match your desire patterns to such an extent that you'll both always have mutually pleasurable sex. But now I'm just lecturing so I'll shut up, I get that it's not always that easy. It's just for me, I'd rather be single forever than ever have sex that I don't want again. If I am not gagging for it then I'm sorry, it just won't happen.

 

43 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

But why wonder what's going on in your head here. Bringing "handbags" into this really said it all. smh.

Yep. Trying to have a discussion about certain women's unique sexual desire patterns to have sexual male compare that to how many handbags women all apparently have to own 😕 Blergh. I'm not sure why I even bother engaging some days.

 

But thanks for voicing my internal thoughts for me. You and I disagree a lot but it's always refreshing when we do agree ^_^:cake:

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 9:45 PM, ryn2 said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, Apostle said:

the reason is that there are not the choices in the shops or online. 

Think you've just hoisted yourself with own petard there....

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
34 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Hmm? Comment a bit harsh isn't it? The reality is in the shops and online. See for yourself. There are far more shopping alternatives for women than for men.

Let me give an example of this. How many men would buy coloured or patterned trousers compared to women? Very few and the reason is that there are not the choices in the shops or online. 

Fact. (in the UK anyway)

I’m not arguing that, in the current day and age, women often have more shopping options.  It’s your theory that this is because women have different brains and are compelled to shop with which I don’t agree.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
12 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’m not arguing that, in the current day and age, women often have more shopping options.  It’s your theory that this is because women have different brains and are compelled to shop with which I don’t agree.

Men do still have more shopping options than he is saying though. Ever go into one of those richer clothing shops ? I honestly cant even tell the mens section from the womens when my friends drag me in ... I had to ask which was which. 

 

My spouse was actually just complaining about all the UK men they know wanting to go clothes shopping all the time the other day cause they are so into mens fashion and mens clothes shops over there. :lol: And complains about their brother spending tons on name brands just to be in the fashion trend  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/21/2018 at 1:14 PM, ryn2 said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/21/2018 at 12:41 PM, Telecaster68 said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
5 minutes ago, Apostle said:

So what then makes females shop more than men?

If you read back up the thread a bit, I and several others have already given alternative explanations.  Some of the more common ones are women being under more societal pressure to dress in ways that drive clothes shopping, men shopping as much or more but for different items, and its being more acceptable for women to openly talk about shopping than it is for men.

 

None of that means it can’t be true among your friend group that the women shop more than the men.

 

You know how the sexual posters here on AVEN aren’t gigantic fans of being told by the ace posters how sexuals think and feel and why sexuals do what they do?  That’s probably comparable to how the female posters view being told by male posters how women function.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...