Jump to content
hiddentears

Fellow Sexuals

Recommended Posts

alibali
38 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

How are we meant to know ourselves unless and until we have been with someone who knows what to do to get us off? i thought I was fully asexual and never once enjoyed or desired sex until i was 28 years old, when i finally met someone (a 19 year old virgin who had never even held hands with a girl) who knew how to stimulate my mind in the right ways to get me aroused enough to make we want (and enjoy) all kinds of kinky sex. So yes now, i know exactly what I want and will be sure to thoroughly educate any man I am with in future.. but if it wasn't for my 19 year old ex I never would have known what I wanted or what it was that gets me off 😕 

I've "got off" with people but it didn't result in me desiring them more. It felt like an achievement, that I clearly wasn't completely frigid (which muddies the waters about whether someone is completely uninterested).  And restricted solely to that particular time.

 

This is why when my friend talked about how the menopause treatment had led to her wanting sex again was a revelation. She also said that she still enjoyed it when it happened but missed wanting it. I finally realised what i had been lacking....the wanting.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 7:44 AM, Ficto. said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali

Well...yes. But how do you know whether your normal is the same as others normal. And at what point does it become abnormal or a medical issue (in which case is it treatable with hormones or therapy), or just the fact that everyone's an individual. For sexuals it will be incredibly frustrating but I hope they can see that it's hardly cut and dried, knowing things about yourself....like "am I really asexual?"

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

A woman should really know more about herself than any stranger, surely?

Nope. It just doesn't work that way for everyone. You think it sounds complicated to you? Imagine feeling broken for years thinking there's something wrong with you,not understanding why you're unable to want or enjoy sex.. finally coming across asexuality and thinking that might be the answer.

 

And as a sexual preson, you must recognise that masturbation is very different from partnered sex? For some people, masturbation can *never*prepare you for what you want and need sexually. And I mean, how are you meant to know what you want if you've never had it?

 

There might be an amazing food out there, the best food I've ever tasted in my life. But I can't imagine what it would be or what it would taste like if I've never encountered it before. It won't be until I encounter it that I'll know whether I want more of it or not. I didn't know I could want a certain type of sex until I actually had that sex. It's not my fault (or anyone elses) that my body works in a weird way and my desire and enjoyment need very specific things to help make them work. Those aren't things I could ever have known about without actually experiencing them first.

 

And really, a lot of sex works that way for a lot of people. It's certainly not just a one-box-fits-all for everyone, and not everyone can know what it is they specifically need before they've actually experienced that thing with someone else first.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 10:09 AM, alibali said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

@Apostle your gender stereotypes are so damned weird to me usually I just can't even

 

Why is my ace partner so complicated? How could he not realize, after having tried sex over many years, with a couple people, both genders...? Clearly he must be a woman.

 

TBH I thought all that awkwardness was his nationality (and yours), maybe I'll just stereotype Brits as always saying "no no it's fine" when the food is crap, and y'all should be a bit more honest when you're not really loving something. 🙄

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 10:51 AM, Ficto. said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

Really though, my mom has a shitload of purses and she's far from being the only one I know like that.  I'm pretty sure they are generally seen as part of their clothes/ensemble.

 

By contrast, I went through school with one backpack at a time, only ever replacing it when the previous one got beaten up too much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 11:01 AM, anisotropic said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
7 minutes ago, Apostle said:

What I'm saying is that a stranger who potentially becomes part of your life, will initially know less about you as a person and your needs than you do

 

My partner wasn't a stranger. We built (and still have) a very strong friendship before we began experimenting sexually. He was just able to give me something no one else ever had, something I never even knew existed. I couldn't have known I'd want that before I ever even knew it existed. 

 

One of the things he gave me was that he had no expectation of or need for sex, but was able to do and enthusiastically want anything that I might be interested in trying. Him being this way (not caring if we had sex or not) was what awakened my desire because it took total pressure off me to *need* to preform and gave me the luxury of being able to explore at my leisure. No other man had ever given me that before and until it happened, I never would have known it would take something like that to awaken my desire. Now I know that one of my requirements in a partner is that he place very little to no importance on sex, but still be willing and able to actively desire it if I want it. Sounds like a tall order but there are men out there who work that way and I'm perfectly happy to remain single until I find such a man who also ticks my other boxes.

 

15 minutes ago, Apostle said:

but females are still more complicated than men. 

Yes it's a fact that biologically,female sexual desire is generally a lot more complicated than male sex desire. Hence why they're having such a difficult time coming up with a reliable version of viagra for women. But of course there are men with specific needs as well. Everyone is different.

 

15 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I mean, why on earth would a woman want so many handbags?

That's a crude generalisation. There are plenty of men out there who own multiple bags and plenty of women who own one or none. I myself own only one bag which carries my wallet, keys, pens etc. Things I know I will need. There are certainly people out there who own far too many belongings, and sometimes multiple versions of the same belonging, but it's not a gendered thing when it comes down to it. I mean.. I've met men who own about 20 different pairs of shoes. I own 3 pairs. One for dressing up. One for walking. One for wet/cold weather. That's all that's necessary. But meh, that's just me.

 

7 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Hell of a dilemma, isn't it?

You saying that seems pretty condescending considering you're on an asexual website where many people will have an almost impossible time finding a sexually compatible partner even once in their whole lives. You as a sexual person are sexually compatible with a vast amount of the population so.... yeah. Not saying you're compatible with everyone alive but sexuals have it a damn site easier than asexuals when it comes to finding a compatible partner.

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
3 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

By contrast, I went through school with one backpack at a time, only ever replacing it when the previous one got beaten up too much.

Same. It's not a gender thing it's just a personality thing.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 11:07 AM, Ficto. said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
11 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

I thought all that awkwardness was his nationality (and yours), maybe I'll just stereotype Brits as always saying "no no it's fine" when the food is crap, and y'all should be a bit more honest when you're not really loving something

I think there's an element of truth in that, and you're right, we should.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 11:08 AM, Ficto. said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
5 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Yes Ficto, but you are quite a dominant figure in your relationship where he only has sex when YOU want it. To me it's more of a shared experience, all the time and not dictated by one person in the relationship.

Well you obviously aren't understanding me. I'm saying I'm *physically unable* to desire or enjoy sex unless it's under those conditions, so I will only seek a partner in future who will also actively desire those conditions. I don't know how to explain this to you to make it any more simple than I already have. It's not some weird condition that I demand out of having a dominating personality or anything, I mean my body is unable to desire or enjoy sex unless those conditions are met. I am actually not dominating at all in a relationship, I am very sweet and friendly and loving.. I could just never understand why I didn't want or enjoy sex. It turns out certain conditions just needed to be met that I didn't even know existed for me until someone came along who met them for me, totally unexpectedly.

 

I'm sure any future partner I have would prefer that I actively desire and enjoy sex with him than me being unable to desire and enjoy it at all... hence why I only seek men who meet those requirements that I now know I have.

 

3 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Don't know any males in the UK who buy handbags on a regular basis. 

Are we having a language barrier here or something?? I'm not just talking about handbags, I'm talking about a need to own multiple versions of something where you'd actually only need ONE to fulfill your need. Plenty of men do that for things other than handbags, and there are plenty of women who DON'T own more than one handbag or only own one raincoat or whatever. It's not a gender thing, it's a personality thing. Again,I'm not sure how I can put it that would make it easier for you to understand?? 😕

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 11:07 AM, Ficto. said:

 

 

x

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

Hence why they're having such a difficult time coming up with a reliable version of viagra for women.

I'm not quite sure what they'd even be going for with a "female" Viagra, really...

 

From my understanding, Viagra doesn't necessarily make men amped up for sex (as many people are led to believe); all it does is help them maintain an erection so that they actually CAN have sex.  It's an ED treatment, basically.  It won't produce sexual desire that isn't already there; it won't get you "in the mood" for sex if you weren't already there.

 

The only sort of equivalent I could think of for females would be something that would, idk, help them relax and loosen up down there so that things like PiV aren't as potentially painful... and I would have thought they already had all sorts of treatments for something like that.

 

If they're trying to make a drug that amplifies female sexual desire or something, that's one thing, but it would be a misnomer to call it a "female Viagra", because that isn't what Viagra does for males.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Also (just because I'm annoyed at how badly you're misunderstanding me)

 

19 minutes ago, Apostle said:

To me it's more of a shared experience, all the time and not dictated by one person in the relationship.

My partner just had no interest in sex for himself. The only thing that could make him aroused enough to want it was me being aroused and wanting it. So it was still always a shared and deeply mutually pleasurable experience. We were just two people who had very specific needs that we met for each other. In future, I will only seek partners who have the same desire patterns as he does (unable to want sex unless I want it). I obviously wouldn't seek a partner like you @Apostle as you and I would not be sexually compatible in any way. I only seek men who get off on me being turned on but aren't interested in sex outside of that situation. And there are actually a surprising amount of men who are naturally drawn to that dynamic I've found, it's just they need to tick all my other boxes before I'll be willing to settle down with one of them and none of them have been able to do that for me yet.

 

But yeah, even with requirements as specific as mine I'm not actually limited to choice of sexual partners, it's just everything else that limits my choice. They need to be intellectually engaging, motivated, positive, hard-working, kind,at least as skilled at I am with DIY, gardening etc. Sexually compatible men are easy to come across, but damn there seems to be a massive shortage of those other traits :

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 11:25 AM, Ficto. said:

 

x

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
14 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

 

If they're trying to make a drug that amplifies female sexual desire or something, that's one thing, but it would be a misnomer to call it a "female Viagra", because that isn't what Viagra does for males.

'Female viagra' is just a term. What it means is that many women want a drug that will make it easier for them to achieve and maintain genital arousal, really (because that would increase sexual pleasure on many levels: wetness, orgasm etc). It's generally easy to be in the mood in your head, but damn it's so often that the body just won't catch up. You know you want to fuck but the old clothes (edit: autocorrect haha that was meant to be 'clit') just won't react. I spent a lot of time in forums with women who were suffering from this when I was trying to work out 'what was wrong with me', so know a fair bit about the core issues many women experience regarding this topic.  If female arousal were as simple as male arousal they'd have designed that drug already (in a way that works as effectively as viagra does for men).. something that helps blood rush to the genitals and get them engorged and ready when everything else in your body wants that to happen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 11:37 AM, Ficto. said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/20/2018 at 11:43 AM, Ficto. said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

Male arousal isn't quite as "simple" for all of us XD  It took me three decades before I even figured out I could achieve it, and even then it still isn't a simple matter.

 

It's just one of those things that I will particularly take notice of, because it's easy to tell a guy with "performance issues" to "oh, just take some Viagra" but depending on what the root of the performance issues are, it could be the complete wrong recommendation.  I have heard about "female Viagra" drugs before that claimed to do things that were not analogous to what Viagra actually does, and I just feel that if they're going to use existing medical names/terminology for new products, it needs to be in a way that's actually faithful to the original, otherwise it will lead to more such situations where guys end up thinking Viagra is a pill that will boost their sex drive.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
12 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Hence my post saying females are more complicated than men!

We were just trying to explain how our desire works for us personally and you kept saying 'oh that doesn't work for me, I need this or that or the other thing' meaning we had to explain ourselves further. Then you brought up the stuff about the handbags which was completely unrelated. Yes female sexual desire can be complicated. So can men's. That's just life for some people. 

 

1 minute ago, Philip027 said:

Male arousal isn't quite as "simple" for all of us XD

Mhmm. That's why I said many times 'obviously it doesn't work that way for all men'. Viagra doesn't work on all me and it actually does work for some women. But we shouldn't have to put a disclaimer under every single post we make lol, #notallmen

 

When people use the term 'female viagra' though they just mean 'drug that will help women enjoy  sex'. They don't mean 'a drug that works on women in the exact same way that viagra works for men'. But yeah for the most part they mean something that aids in clitoral erections and arousal in general so the woman can enjoy sex (because viagra fundamentally means a guy is able to enjoy sex again when issues like ED were previously preventing him from enjoying it).

 

Given that they only finally worked out what the clitoris actually looks like in 2009 though, they're probably a long way off being able to create a drug that can reliably help to get it erect. Lol.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
2 hours ago, Philip027 said:

and I would have thought they already had all sorts of treatments for something like that.

Alas, you would have thought wrong.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
2 hours ago, Apostle said:

I think you misunderstand me! I was talking about the female mind and the fact that there is some form of compulsion that is not necessarily found in men, like shopping for example. The number of females who shop far exceeds the men. The female mind just works differently to male minds, that's all I was trying to convey.

 

Um, what?  As people said above that’s an individual personality/preference thing.  Some people of all genders love to shop, some are actually compelled to shop (habituated), some hate to shop, and some don’t care.  Same for collecting multiples of things, trying to outdo others, etc.  Because of stereotyping, sexism, and homophobia it may be more socially acceptable (less subject to ridicule) for women to talk openly about certain practices than it is for men and vice versa, but women don’t have “shopping brains.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

Alas, you would have thought wrong.

I'm pretty sure I'm not, or else they'd have been telling people with things like vaginismus "welp, sorry, you're fucked, nothing we/you can do about that" which I'm also pretty sure is not a thing that actually happens, at least not nowadays and not with any doctor worth their degree

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I imagine there are treatments, but they don't always work to the same extent with different people.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I imagine there are treatments, but they don't always work to the same extent with different people.

Correct, and they still tend to me more along the lines of “therapy plus pelvic floor exercises plus lube” and less like medication.  Some of that may legitimately be because there isn’t a treatable medical cause, but a lot is that it’s not a condition that has seen extensive research.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...