Jump to content
hiddentears

Fellow Sexuals

Recommended Posts

ryn2
44 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

No, I've seen it repeatedly voiced towards people saying 'I own this as a choice, but some understanding that it's not easy now and then from my partner would be good.'

I’ve seen that as well and by and large it is less likely to get jumped on.  Not guaranteed, as some people will jump on anything, but less likely.

 

I also sometimes see those who are younger, newer to (or never in) relationships, and/or always-in-LDR underestimating what breaking up a household involves but I personally think that’s understandable.  If your life and finances have never been that entwined with someone else’s it’s easy to see the situation as “as soon as you move on you’ll feel better.”

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 minute ago, anisotropic said:

No no maybe, maybe... I just need to try... LITERAL SPICES. Get nekkid, it over my skin, and then make sexy moves. What do we think? Should I try cardamom or cayenne?

 

😂 I'm very chill now about my incapability of inspiring attraction, I'm loved and I'm grateful he puts up with my strange sexual desires. but hey maybe I just haven't been spicy enough, haha

Cardamom.  You would regret cayenne if it didn’t stay exactly where you put it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

I just need to try... LITERAL SPICES. Get nekkid, rub it into my skin, and then make sexy moves. What do we think? Should I try cardamom or cayenne?

Just not chilli powder. It can have catastrophic effects on sensitive membranes. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

I know, I know, but was unable to resist the image of both partners going ow! ow! ow! and me being banned from nookie as a result of spicy idiocy 🌶😋

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Just not chilli powder. It can have catastrophic effects on sensitive membranes. 

Hence my nixing cayenne.  Anyone who has ever rubbed their nose or eyes after eating chicken wings/similarly-hot “finger food” (or after chopping jalapenos) can vividly imagine all the places one does not want it to go.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
10 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

I know, I know, but was unable to resist the image of both partners going ow! ow! ow! and me being banned from nookie as a result of spicy idiocy 🌶😋

You must never have picked your nose after wings!  😂

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Hence my nixing cayenne.  Anyone who has ever rubbed their nose or eyes after eating chicken wings/similarly-hot “finger food” (or after chopping jalapenos) can vividly imagine all the places one does not want it to go.

I went for a pee immediately after chopping chillis once. 

 

Just the once.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/18/2018 at 11:14 AM, ryn2 said:

 

x

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, Apostle said:

very few men get custody of their children upon divorce in the UK).

That's because not many request it, apparently. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/14/2018 at 10:32 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

 

x

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
48 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I went for a pee immediately after chopping chillis once. 

 

Just the once.

Oh boy.  You totally get where I’m coming from then.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
14 minutes ago, Apostle said:

All I'm really saying is that asexuals should:

a) recognise that sexuality is a big part of a sexuals life and 

b) it would be quite nice to know beforehand before a full commitment to a relationship.

I haven’t seen anyone saying this is a bad approach.  Unfortunately some (probably many, among the older crowd) do not realize they are asexual - or, terms aside, that there is anything different about their sexuality - beforehand.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/18/2018 at 11:58 AM, ryn2 said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/18/2018 at 2:18 PM, Telecaster68 said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 12/18/2018 at 2:31 PM, ryn2 said:

 

x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
51 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Most men also have far too much testosterone and it should be banned! 

Nooo 😱 I've been waiting so patiently to try it

 

(I just hope my parents don't flip out. One hopes at ~40 I'm allowed my own gender decisions...)

 

More seriously it's really hard to imagine disentangling from my partner at this point, regardless of custody questions. So I'm very lucky that we've found a happy path for ourselves. I agree with @ryn2 that it sometimes feels like people oversimplify that. 😕 But I think I also have trouble understanding situations with empathy failures, because we don't have that.

 

Also @Ficto. had a characterization of sex... implying an ace partner is borderline hateful, just lying there waiting for it to finish. I wanted to say, my partner isn't sexually illiterate or uncaring. I'm thankful and hopefully respectful & careful, and he knows acting coldly during sex would just make me feel guilty and upset.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

Most men also have far too much testosterone and it should be banned! 

Already ahead of the curve on this one!  The Powers That Be apparently saw fit to give me a big ol' testosterone deficiency, along with other sorts of hormonal weirdness (but the T is apparently the most notable one)

 

So much for my Gold Star ace cred :rolleyes:

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
57 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

I agree with @ryn2 that it sometimes feels like people oversimplify that.

I feel like people don’t always understand that it’s not just a romantic relationship and friendship ending (with the accompanying sadness and loss).  When people have been in a long cohabiting partnership together, they typically have structured their lives and made their major decisions as though that partnership will endure.  That means they’ve chosen whether or not to have children based in part on being a multiparent, intact family unit, that they’ve made career/financial decisions based on collectively funding one  residence and its related expenses, that they’ve chosen where to live (the community, perhaps, but also the dwelling itself) based on their shared ability to access what they need and to maintain the dwelling, and so on.

 

Any of those decisions might not be the same ones they would have made individually... and choices they made as a unit may actually have decreased one or more partners’ individual “health” in terms of career, finances, support from family and friends, etc.

 

All of those things have to be factored in.  Can someone start completely over at 60 with unexpectedly limited means and find a new residence, potentially a new job, etc.?  Sure, but it’s not nearly as easy as it was at 25 and there’s a much greater chance of damage that just can’t be undone.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
3 hours ago, AceLurker1 said:

This analogy makes it look like each other's needs are being met in a disjoined way. It sounds like "I will meet your needs so you will meet mine".

Why do you compare each person's pursuit of happiness in a relationship to a career, and 2 separate careers at that?

It's about choosing to put the common good for both of you above your own. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali
4 hours ago, anisotropic said:

No no maybe, maybe... I just need to try... LITERAL SPICES. Get nekkid, rub it into my skin, and then make sexy moves. What do we think? Should I try cardamom or cayenne?

 

😂 I'm very chill now about my incapability of inspiring attraction, I'm loved and I'm grateful he puts up with my strange sexual desires. but hey maybe I just haven't been spicy enough, haha

I'm very chilled about not feeling it too....lolol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali
3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I haven’t seen anyone saying this is a bad approach.  Unfortunately some (probably many, among the older crowd) do not realize they are asexual - or, terms aside, that there is anything different about their sexuality - beforehand.

Going back to the spice idea I spent 30+ bloody years thinking if only we tried this or that or maybe the other I would grow to want it....I thought I was unnatural, thought I could cure it somehow. All medical/counsellor people said sex is necessary for a full life, and I must be doing it wrong. So I kept trying until I hit the start of the menopause.  Until lightbulb moment due to a casual discussion about menopause when a friend bemoaned having to try to have feelings about it since the menopause. And I was like what you didn't have to force desire before the menopause??

 

I was 53 and separated...lolol.

 

I do regret any hurt I caused, but I was pretty clueless that desire was actually felt without a lot of "work"!!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
4 minutes ago, alibali said:

I was pretty clueless that desire was actually felt without a lot of "work"!!

It just doesn’t seem to be the sort of thing that comes up in serious conversation... and many doctors, therapists, etc., don’t seem to have had it on their radar to discuss as a possible option.  Hopefully this is changing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali

I'm using this to explain how people can go into a relationship not knowing. When you are given advice like give it time, spend more time together, try and find out what you like etc.....you tend to assume it will happen eventually and if not that person maybe isn't the one because if they were would it be like this. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
2 minutes ago, alibali said:

I'm using this to explain how people can go into a relationship not knowing. When you are given advice like give it time, spend more time together, try and find out what you like etc.....you tend to assume it will happen eventually and if not that person maybe isn't the one because if they were would it be like this. 

Exactly.  None of the advice/guidance includes - or at least used to include - things like “have you ever considered you might be asexual?” or questions that might lead in that direction. It all seems based on the assumption that everyone is sexual and that consequently the only possible explanations are medical, emotional, technique-related, or personal (“there’s someone out there for you”).

 

Since asexuality is thought to be rare, I can see why it wouldn’t be the first line of questioning... but certain answers/a lack of success after trying common solutions should at least bring it to mind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali

The young generation seem to be more clued up. However they do need to realise that asexuality isnt just an orientation, it's important to be honest now that rarer orientations are much more acceptable, and mixed relationships don't really work unless both partners are very sexually fluid....let's say!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
7 hours ago, Apostle said:

When you enter into relationship and if it continues into marriage then that would constitute a contract. My SO effectively broke our contract so why should I leave the relationship?

I'm not saying that by my SO's action (or more relevantly, her non-action) she 'ruined my life' and made it 'impossible to live with' as I am a reasonable man and took the intelligent option of raising a family which, I may add, I would have had to abandon due to the laws of my country (very few men get custody of their children upon divorce in the UK).

 

If my SO has made any sacrifices in our relationship she has certainly not told me.

 

All I'm really saying is that asexuals should:

a) recognise that sexuality is a big part of a sexuals life and 

b) it would be quite nice to know beforehand before a full commitment to a relationship.

 

I don't think it's much to ask. It won't hurt anyone will it and it can stop a lot of pain further down the line?

 

Interestingly, there are many more singletons these days than there used to be. Perhaps the younger generation have cottoned on?

 

I would broaden this.  I wish more people recognized the wide range of human sexuality and appreciated that for many people, sexuality is both very important and unchangeable.   In most cases I think sexual compatibility (which can include asexuality) is essential to a happy relationship. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
5 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Also @Ficto. had a characterization of sex... implying an ace partner is borderline hateful, just lying there waiting for it to finish. I wanted to say, my partner isn't sexually illiterate or uncaring. I'm thankful and hopefully respectful & careful, and he knows acting coldly during sex would just make me feel guilty and upset.

You're lucky, it's just not like that for many aces of course. For many, sex is a huge sacrifice and for females especially, it can be quite painful giving it without arousal. I wasn't trying to imply the ace gives it hatefully though, it's usually an act of selfless love to give something they don't want for the sake of their partner's happiness. It's just hard to also show enjoyment of something when you don't actually want it for your own happiness and get nothing out of it so you just lie there waiting for it to be over. I've been there myself and have known even high libido sexual women who have been had too at times. I just personally can't ever imagine being able to have sex with someone who is clearly only giving it to me because *I* want it but that's a different topic.

 

 

When an ace gives their partner sex they don't actually desire themselves (because I've seen you talk of your ace partner a few times and very few aces are like him) it's a massive act of selfless love. The aces isn't uncaring or sexually illiterate in these situations, sometimes it's just that the mere act of giving sex is so draining that there's nothing left over to try to show caring (like sweet words etc) or enjoyment during it. I've known many, many aces who have been there and will just be nodding along with what I'm saying because they know what I mean.

There's nothing hateful about it because if you didn't love that person with every frikken atom of your being, why would you do something like that for them? But yeah it's just a fact that for many aces (and it seems that more males are like your partner than females) sex is a sacrifice they make for the sake of love. Just like sexuals who are forced into celibacy are making that sacrifice out of love even though it's not something they enjoy or desire. They *endure* the celibacy (just like a sex-giving ace *endures* sex) out of love. It's not some hateful thing, for many anyway,  because if hate were involved it would be a LOT easier to just leave. 

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
7 hours ago, Apostle said:

When you enter into relationship and if it continues into marriage then that would constitute a contract. My SO effectively broke our contract so why should I leave the relationship?

This is another thing which varies by geography and by religion (or lack thereof).  The legal marriage contract in my country/state/county does not include language about providing or rightfully expecting sex.  I have seen religious vows that do specifically include requirements around sex and children.

 

It’s possible we keep disagreeing about this because we literally signed different things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
11 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

This is another thing which varies by geography and by religion (or lack thereof).  The legal marriage contract in my country/state/county does not include language about providing or rightfully expecting sex.  I have seen religious vows that do specifically include requirements around sex and children.

 

It’s possible we keep disagreeing about this because we literally signed different things.

I've never seen anyone apart from asexuals try to assert that explicit or not, there's no expectation that sex is part of a marriage.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
27 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

it's just a fact that for many aces (and it seems that more males are like your partner than females) sex is a sacrifice they make for the sake of love

Well, yes, and it comes off as a really shitty relationship dynamic, to hear about sex with one partner that clearly detests it.

And... I'm especially thrown when it sounds like there are partners that hate sex and the partners aren't talking about it with each other? Are unable to understand each other? As if there's a huge empathy and communication breakdown, and alienation, and someone is privately going to AVEN to discuss the pain, or dead bedroom forums.

 

If a partner really doesn't like sex, why can't they say it? If the other partner loves them and won't leave, why can't they say "can you just hold me while I jerk off then" or "can you jerk me off" or "can you use this toy on me"? Is it too demeaning for the sexual partner? Too disgusting for the asexual partner?

 

I'm baffled how people can reach cardboard-lover stage, to be forcing themselves or others into it. Because I fully agree: who would want to be this way with someone they love? It sounds horrifying, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, I have trouble reading it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...