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Randompersonsayshi

Thank you Stranger. And Skullerymaid we are I guess still friends. We haven't talked but Im sure I left things off alright. She didn't use those words exactly but might as well have. We both agreed that we would talk about sex when the time came. (and to be honest I hadn't really been worried about sex at this point) Oh and nothing was wrong with the relationship. I saw her every couple days after school, everyday at school before classes, and when I couldn't see her we would text or Skype. I was very understanding of everything. I hope I didn't do anything wrong.

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Skullery Maid

Thank you Stranger. And Skullerymaid we are I guess still friends. We haven't talked but Im sure I left things off alright. She didn't use those words exactly but might as well have. We both agreed that we would talk about sex when the time came. (and to be honest I hadn't really been worried about sex at this point) Oh and nothing was wrong with the relationship. I saw her every couple days after school, everyday at school before classes, and when I couldn't see her we would text or Skype. I was very understanding of everything. I hope I didn't do anything wrong.

So what happened? How'd the break-up happen? Is she seeing anyone else?

by school do you mean high school?

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Randompersonsayshi

Yes, I mean High School. I was a senior. The whole relationship is as follows. I liked her. I had a class with her. Didn't ask her out. Next semester. I decided I should stop being a chicken and I ask her out via a note. She found it cute and said yes. We date for a week or two. I go to her house once or twice but I haven't seen her parents, so I ask her if I could meet her parents. She thinks it would be great if I came and ate dinner with her and her family. Time comes Im nervous but it all goes great. Eventually I'm coming over every couple days. Her parents love me and me and her play footsies. On one night I kiss her cheek, but not much else. We also had tickle battles. T'was amazing. One day at school I go to see her after her class and she says we need to talk and says she doesn't want me wasting my feelings on her. I was left very sad faced. At this moment I don't think she is dating someone else.

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Quiverfree

I'm here because I'm an aromantic sexual and this is the first environment I've found that might qualify as a safe space for me. It's the only community I know of that understands that not everyone has to have their sexual and social instincts connected to each other the same way.

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moonshadow0012

I am a bisexual married to a bisexual. I am here because a very important friend of mine is married to an asexual woman. He is also bisexual , and thought she was when they met. For the last 10 yrs or so his sex life has been pretty much nonexistant. He has had affairs and gotten in trouble with her numerous times. My wife and I have tried to help this friend in numerous ways, not the least of which is talking to his wife to try to help her resolve whatever her issue is. I am now pretty well convinced that she is asexual. Thier problem is, she refuses to allow him to seek some other outlet. I am kind of baffled by the whole thing it being so vastly beyond my personal experiences.

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Serran

I am a bisexual married to a bisexual. I am here because a very important friend of mine is married to an asexual woman. He is also bisexual , and thought she was when they met. For the last 10 yrs or so his sex life has been pretty much nonexistant. He has had affairs and gotten in trouble with her numerous times. My wife and I have tried to help this friend in numerous ways, not the least of which is talking to his wife to try to help her resolve whatever her issue is. I am now pretty well convinced that she is asexual. Thier problem is, she refuses to allow him to seek some other outlet. I am kind of baffled by the whole thing it being so vastly beyond my personal experiences.

I wouldn't want my husband to find another outlet either, even though I don't like sex, if I were married. Rather than that, his best bet, if they both want to keep the relationship going is probably to see if there are any sexual things she is OK doing as a compromise. Oral, mutual masturbation, sex? Is she repulsed? Or just finds it boring/not fun/has no desire? Very important questions to know the answers to if you are trying to decide how to work with an asexual about sex. If she isn't willing to do ANYTHING with him and he isn't willing to give up sex, they may have to just accept they aren't compatible and want different things in life. And, honestly, trust issues would make me less inclined to compromise, so I would suggest professional counseling if they could find someone who understands that asexual IS a legitimate orientation (a lot don't consider it as such still).

The important thing to remember is if she is asexual, even if she is repulsed, it is not something wrong with her. It is just something different about her. Like, you may like skiing and she may like surfing. Doesn't mean either like or dislike is wrong. :)

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moonshadow0012

My own experiences are so vastly removed that I find this hard to grasp. I find the idea that one partner can hold anothers sexuality hostage somewhat offensive. I don't get the analogy with skiing . This seems like suggesting that he give up eating or breathing. I wonder what would you sugest she do as a compromise? She has no interest, though she can be talked into sex occasionaly he says it is pretty awfull since she isnt really into it. They have 0 intemacy left and she is happy as can be like that. I have seen many mixed orientation relationships before but asexual is a new one on me. While I usually come out on the side of not seeking sex from outside the relationship, I dont see any alternative where sex is completely absent. My sugestion was for him to find another outlet. Seems like everyone wins. She seemed offended at the sugestion. He is ok with her not being interested in sex provided shelets him find something else. He has no interest in leaving her, he just wants to feel wanted.

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orangeuglad

I'm here because one of my friends is asexual and I have a crush on him. I don't know what to do. I haven't told him. Do I just wait and hope that my feelings fade? I don't know if that will happen because we get closer every day. He's a fairly new friend, so I feel like if I tell him it could ruin our friendship. I understand asexuality to an extent; I've read about it and talked to him about it. I was too afraid to ask him if he's a romantic asexual, though. I think he is, but for reasons I don't want to say because they are pretty specific and he may be a member here. Should I make this its own thread?

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Kisa the Kit Kat

I'm here because one of my friends is asexual and I have a crush on him. I don't know what to do. I haven't told him. Do I just wait and hope that my feelings fade? I don't know if that will happen because we get closer every day. He's a fairly new friend, so I feel like if I tell him it could ruin our friendship. I understand asexuality to an extent; I've read about it and talked to him about it. I was too afraid to ask him if he's a romantic asexual, though. I think he is, but for reasons I don't want to say because they are pretty specific and he may be a member here. Should I make this its own thread?

Hey orange, welcome to AVEN :cake:

I would tell your friend that you have a crush on him anyway. I would also emphasize that no matter what happens you wouldn't want to ruin your friendship with that person ^_^

Good luck :)

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Pandante

I'm here because one of my friends is asexual and I have a crush on him. I don't know what to do. I haven't told him. Do I just wait and hope that my feelings fade? I don't know if that will happen because we get closer every day. He's a fairly new friend, so I feel like if I tell him it could ruin our friendship. I understand asexuality to an extent; I've read about it and talked to him about it. I was too afraid to ask him if he's a romantic asexual, though. I think he is, but for reasons I don't want to say because they are pretty specific and he may be a member here. Should I make this its own thread?

Hey orange,

Can you sense whether he might be interested in a relationship with you? Since your friendship with him is still developing, you might want to give it a bit more time. It might just naturally develop into a relationship! I'm sure you'll find the right timing to tell him that you like him, in case it doesn't. You'll probably also find yourselves talking about asexuality again some time soon, and then you can ask him whether he is romantic.

No reason why you can't start your own thread. You'll probably get more answers that way. :)

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orangeuglad

Thank you both. I think I will wait to see if it progresses naturally. He lights up whenever he sees me, but that may just be in my head. This is where his asexuality throws me off. I don't know what signs to look for. I had just gotten the hang of looking for signs from sexual guys; for most of my life I was oblivious.

I think I'll make a thread.

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I-Had-Roses

Hey ^.^

I'm sexual, and I'm here because my boyfriend's ace, and I'm looking for help when I have subjects that I haven't worked up the guts to talk to him about. It helps to get other like-minded people's opinions before I start a conversation with him, because his thought process is so different than mine.

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melissaminoo

Hi everyone,

I'm quite the sexual queer woman who's with a lovely asexual woman for nearly 3 years. She suggested I join this forum, and I think it'll be helpful to have other sexual people to talk with who are in relationships with asexuals. It's been a new struggle for us. I gotta say that I've never actually participated in a forum and I'm pretty awful at using the internet buuuut I'd love to hear from you all.

I guess you all should also know that my partner and I are trying to open up our relationship... which is complicated. Any thoughts? Common experiences?

-Melissa

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Skullery Maid

Hi, nice to meet you! My partner and I do not have an open relationship... I think about it sometimes but I don't believe it's actually what I want. I've had an open relationship before, though, and it actually worked quite nicely. In ours, we kept everything pretty hush-hush... neither of us wanted to hear about what the other was doing. I understand that many people opt for the opposite "share everything" approach. Whatever works for you!

Feel free to start a new topic in this forum too... this particular thread doesn't get as much attention as a new thread will. :)

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abnor

I'm a sexual who found a demi-sexual virgin whom calmed my hypersexuality down to realize I'm actually sexually traumatized (and I never took his virginity). But wait! There's more! I have been abstaining from intercourse for nearly 1.5 years now and am enjoying the hell out of it, much more so than when I was a hyperseuxal maniac.

I'm at the point now where I am not only afraid of sex (because of the newfound repressed emotional turmoil it gives me), but I am wondering if I was ever truly sexual to begin with (because I gave up my virginity because I thought I had to, then ran into sexual abuse).

So I am here to discover my own sexuality all over again while giving my advice from the sexual (I'm pretty sure) side of my life.

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Sparky29252

Ok, So I know I'm not the only Sexual here on AVEN. What I'm wondering is how many of us are there and what are your reasons for being on AVEN.

Personally I'm here because my best friend recently came out as asexual so I'm trying to learn more about where she is coming from. Also I haven't been here very long but I'v already made some pretty awesome friends and I can't wait to meet even more.

So I'd love to hear your story if you're willing to share.

My story? You don't really want all of that. It would take to long. I'll give you the pertinent parts though. A few years back I met a wonderful, fascinating fetishist who turned out to be asexual. Some time later a family member came out to me as an ace and a friend of mine identifies as demisexual.

I signed up (just moments ago actually) for a few reasons. One I want to support said family member. Secondly I wish to learn more about asexual identity. I mean I know what asexuality is from a clinical perspective but that's hardly a complete understanding is it? And finally: I'm a fetishist. Not in the "fuzzy handcuffs and spanking" sense but in the full 24/7 life, domination/submission leather culture way. And while I cannot speak for all of us, most of kink culture is very open to any and all sexual identities, or a lack thereof, or really any variation. So in all honesty I kind of want to build (in some tiny way) goodwill between the two groups, and maybe help out any kink aces out on the net.

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Lab

SO, after stumbling on this site accidentally today, I thought I might be able to get some advice.

I am a sexual, my girlfriend identifies as asexual. I don't know much about the orientation, but I want to learn more so I can understand her point of view better.

Since the relationship is new, there are a few things I'm just starting to find out about our relationship that I'm thankfully finding some responses here that tell me I'm not alone.

Even though I know she loves me, I am afraid to push her boundaries. I want to respect her and not pressure her into anything, but I am sort of feeling a little... neglected? I know she doesn't mean to, but I kind of want to be more intimate than we are now. (So far, the only thing we've done is cuddle, which is fine and great and nice, but not enough for me, I'm finding.) It's nice to see that I'm not the only person in a relationship with an asexual that feels this way, and it's reassuring to see that it's not that I'm doing something wrong. I really want to understand how I can make things better for both of us in the long run.

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Pandante

SO, after stumbling on this site accidentally today, I thought I might be able to get some advice.

I am a sexual, my girlfriend identifies as asexual. I don't know much about the orientation, but I want to learn more so I can understand her point of view better.

Since the relationship is new, there are a few things I'm just starting to find out about our relationship that I'm thankfully finding some responses here that tell me I'm not alone.

Even though I know she loves me, I am afraid to push her boundaries. I want to respect her and not pressure her into anything, but I am sort of feeling a little... neglected? I know she doesn't mean to, but I kind of want to be more intimate than we are now. (So far, the only thing we've done is cuddle, which is fine and great and nice, but not enough for me, I'm finding.) It's nice to see that I'm not the only person in a relationship with an asexual that feels this way, and it's reassuring to see that it's not that I'm doing something wrong. I really want to understand how I can make things better for both of us in the long run.

Welcome! :cake:

It's great that you show so much understanding and willingness to adapt.

No, you are not alone. There are many sexuals on this forum going through, having gone through, or about to go through, similar phases in a mixed relationship.

The feeling of neglect is a universal in mixed relationships (and is of course also common in couples of the same orientation). Fortunately, in the case of mixed relationships, the intent is not malevolent, but, usually just a lack of awareness. Thus, the only way to change the situation is by communicating what you are thinking and feeling to your gf in a non-accusing way.

But just talking is not enough. The only way to remedy the feeling of neglect, and most of the other problems that you will encounter henceforth, is by explicitly agreeing on the levels of admissible actions of intimacy and the frequency they are, on average, to be performed. It is (in my experience, but also as far as I can tell from others' posts here) very important to find practical compromises, and these compromises must be worked out in quite some technical detail: small misunderstandings can cause big emotional problems because you are both stretching your boundaries of tolerance. For example, you may need to agree on the frequency with which you'd feel happy that your gf initiates intimate actions, even just things like holding hands, hugging, kissing, if those things don't occur naturally.

Of course you will have to live with the fact that you're never going to get the full physical package. You need to distract yourself as much as possible from this and endeavor to appreciate the signs of affection that she does issue.

Since you're coming from distant ends of the spectrum of physical desire, it is not always possible to find an acceptable compromise, in which case you may need to consider relegating your relationship to the level of friendship. You must not feel bad doing this, because it is very hard leading a mixed relationship. But a few people here, e.g. bookcase, SkulleryMaid, and me are currently managing reasonably well (i think - I shouldn't really speak for others). But it's proof that it's possible.

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Chelbell

Hello, I stumbled upon this site today while trying to make some sense of the relationship that I currently have with my boyfriend. We have been together for almost 6 years. I am sexual and I am presuming that my boyfriend is asexual. Many feelings within myself have caused me to search out more information on this subject and the potential that my boyfriend is asexual. I have had so many conversations with him in the past about "what the problem is". He feels he is "broken". I'm not even sure if he is aware of the term asexual. I know that I have brought it up to him before, but it wasn't received well, as most conversations about sex are not received well. Which makes finding a compromise between the two of us hard, it seems to me that he just wishes sex and the idea of it would just go away. I was happy to find this site and just reading many of the posts on here have given me some comfort. I have come here to learn more about and broaden my knowledge of this subject. I am one confused soul and am already quite impressed with all that I have read so far. I look forward to learning and reading more. I am not yet ready to give up on this relationship...but am very frustrated.

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Skullery Maid

Hello, I stumbled upon this site today while trying to make some sense of the relationship that I currently have with my boyfriend. We have been together for almost 6 years. I am sexual and I am presuming that my boyfriend is asexual. Many feelings within myself have caused me to search out more information on this subject and the potential that my boyfriend is asexual. I have had so many conversations with him in the past about "what the problem is". He feels he is "broken". I'm not even sure if he is aware of the term asexual. I know that I have brought it up to him before, but it wasn't received well, as most conversations about sex are not received well. Which makes finding a compromise between the two of us hard, it seems to me that he just wishes sex and the idea of it would just go away. I was happy to find this site and just reading many of the posts on here have given me some comfort. I have come here to learn more about and broaden my knowledge of this subject. I am one confused soul and am already quite impressed with all that I have read so far. I look forward to learning and reading more. I am not yet ready to give up on this relationship...but am very frustrated.

My partner and I were in the exact same place. It took awhile for me to convince her that I really wasn't leaving, and that asexuality really wasn't something I made up as an excuse to dump her, but that I genuinely wanted her to accept herself and stop feeling so upset about the sex topic. I'd say that it took at least 3 months after finding AVEN before she stopped viewing any and all sex talks with extreme fear and skepticism. Then, as I kind of anticipated, our sex frequency dropped even more as she became more secure in her ability to say no. That was its own issue to tackle, but at least AVEN gave us a way to talk about it, you know? It is hugely validating for our partners to know that they are not alone, are not broken, and that you respect their sexuality (assuming you do, and it sounds like you do). That doesn't mean it'll be an immediate change in him from sex negative to sex positive, but hopefully AVEN will at least give you a new way to think about and talk about your situation, as well as provide him with an alternative to feeling broken.

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i-wonder

I'm here to learn about how other Sexuals have managed in their relationships with Asexuals. Also, I'd like to talk about the rejection that seems to have long-term effects. Are there any chat groups or other online groups where Sexuals can talk to each other?

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Lady Girl

I'm here to learn about how other Sexuals have managed in their relationships with Asexuals. Also, I'd like to talk about the rejection that seems to have long-term effects. Are there any chat groups or other online groups where Sexuals can talk to each other?

I don't personally know of any. I'm not sure what Raccoon was talking about on the other thread you started. I did send you a PM though. If you don't mind me asking, what long term effects in particular are you experiencing? I kind of figured any bad or hurt feelings I have had or still have at times are just part of this life. Like if I wasn't sad about our sexual differences once a month, I'd be sad about something else once a month. I do think it helps though that I know he doesn't want me to be so sad, and he does show concern when I'm like that.

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miqui

Hello. I'm demisexual-identified bisexual. I identify a lot with the definition of demisexual given on the site but I still don't get why the label is the way it is, because I don't feel halfway between asexuality and sexuality. I also actively enjoy and even crave the kinds of intellectual and emotional bonding that sexually attract me, think a lot about sex and talk a lot about sex and like sexual contact a lot, not for its own sake but definitely as a kind of sharing affection and vulnerability and things. I get turned on by the kind of intimacy that intellectual and emotional bonding can create. I've tried to get turned on by people in other contexts, like when I was in school because I felt like I needed to to fit in, or in some sexual communities. It just has never worked for me. Nobody turns me on unless I see them in some kind of intimate emotional context. Being male people tend to catch on pretty quick when I am just not turned on. Even people have crushes on I seem to project some emotional/intellectual life on to them otherwise it doesn't make much sense to me to be giddy over them.

I can get sexually interested in someone pretty fast though if we really click on an intellectual/emotional level fast or I can be fine sharing sexual arousal if the friendship we have makes me feel safe enough. It doesn't have to be One True Love or anything like that. I just need some positive emotional context.

So I'm coming to these boards because I seem to get into a lot of relationships with people who describe themselves as hyposexual or grey-A and I have a lot of these issues other sexual people describe, about feeling undesired or unwanted and things like that, that I feel like I need to work through. It's helped me to be able to read other people's experience, so thanks for that. :) There is a person I see who recently, after reading some of this site, described herself as mostly grey-A. We have a very intense relationship, a deep emotional/intellectual bond, tell each other everything, and I feel safe with her. I get turned on with her a lot when she is holding me and looking in my eyes or smiles and makes an affectionate gesture and I can imagine what she's feeling or says something sweet, and emotionally meaningful things like that, but this seems to me to be pretty much one-way. I don't really notice her ever getting turned on with me in the same situations. So I feel guilty and awkward getting turned on so much with her and I start to emotionally withdraw, stop cuddling or being emotionally responsive, because it just makes me feel so humilliated and worthless and I just don't want to be turned on anymore. But then she'll hug me and smile and I will be again. ¬¬ After awhile I get really anxious and depressed and start having compulsive self-hating thoughts like how I must be repulsive and my sexual affection doesn't mean anything or worse that it inconveniences and repulses people or I'm not attractive or I'm worthless, and they're not really rational at all, but I can't stop feeling this way. I start to get unable to sleep, I'll be up with my compulsively self-hating thoughts all night and waiting to be exhausted to fall asleep quickly without lying awake in bed or until she is awake and out of bed so I can sleep alone, because it hurts to sleep next to her and feel this way. I'll also wish I could be alone for awhile and fantasise about someone who did want me, but when I do, sometimes I start to fantasise about *her* wanting me, but then that just feels more humiliating and depressing and makes me feel guilty again and stops being erotic for me. So I'm working on lessening all these feelings and trying to understand where they all come from. It's complicated because for me emotional-sexual desires are on an overlapping continuum and I don't really always understand how they connect, especially the sexual ones. I am fine when we are long distance, but when we're living in the same space I get all these feelings.

We had sex once, after I finally admitted I was turned on with her, and it was really nice, but I don't think we ever would have if I hadn't said anything then and that really bothers me. I don't want to 'condition' more sex by talking about how sexual I feel but at the same time I end up obssessing about it, feeling miserable and wishing I was "desirable", and then I have to talk about it, because I can't keep my feelings bottled. ¬¬ So we've talked about it and I think we have different libidos, because she isn't asexual, just hypo, and I guess I'm just a very lusty demisexual. But the complicated issue is I'm not really interested in just "having more sex". If I were interested in that I *would* have more sex, with other people, or even with her because she isn't averse to having sex with me. But what I'm missing is feeling desired by her. :/ So when we've talked about it it's been because I've brought it up, but I don't like to bring it up too much because I don't want her to start acting out something that she isn't really authentically feeling. Does that make sense to anyone else? I think the most sexually fulfilling relationship I've ever had was actually a long distance one where we never actually *had* sex at all, but I felt sooooooo sexually desired, and my sexual desire felt soooooo desired also. So to me I think it's mainly an emotional thing, but at the same time it's sexual-emotional.

I've been really sexually repressed and in sexually repressive environments most of my life so I'm only starting to understand my sexual feelings now and I guess that contributes to feeling confused and maybe to my first instinct being that I should shut up about or hide my sexual feelings. I tried hard to be asexual for a long time because I hated myself for being sexual, which of course is impossible. Now I'm feeling like I'm really very sexual, but maybe I just have a tendency to be interested in less sexual people than me, so it just feels that way.

Anyway, hello everyone. :)

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MyMixedNuts

Hello. I'm demisexual-identified bisexual. I identify a lot with the definition of demisexual given on the site but I still don't get why the label is the way it is, because I don't feel halfway between asexuality and sexuality. I also actively enjoy and even crave the kinds of intellectual and emotional bonding that sexually attract me, think a lot about sex and talk a lot about sex and like sexual contact a lot, not for its own sake but definitely as a kind of sharing affection and vulnerability and things. I get turned on by the kind of intimacy that intellectual and emotional bonding can create. I've tried to get turned on by people in other contexts, like when I was in school because I felt like I needed to to fit in, or in some sexual communities. It just has never worked for me. Nobody turns me on unless I see them in some kind of intimate emotional context. Being male people tend to catch on pretty quick when I am just not turned on. Even people have crushes on I seem to project some emotional/intellectual life on to them otherwise it doesn't make much sense to me to be giddy over them.

I can get sexually interested in someone pretty fast though if we really click on an intellectual/emotional level fast or I can be fine sharing sexual arousal if the friendship we have makes me feel safe enough. It doesn't have to be One True Love or anything like that. I just need some positive emotional context.

So I'm coming to these boards because I seem to get into a lot of relationships with people who describe themselves as hyposexual or grey-A and I have a lot of these issues other sexual people describe, about feeling undesired or unwanted and things like that, that I feel like I need to work through. It's helped me to be able to read other people's experience, so thanks for that. :) There is a person I see who recently, after reading some of this site, described herself as mostly grey-A. We have a very intense relationship, a deep emotional/intellectual bond, tell each other everything, and I feel safe with her. I get turned on with her a lot when she is holding me and looking in my eyes or smiles and makes an affectionate gesture and I can imagine what she's feeling or says something sweet, and emotionally meaningful things like that, but this seems to me to be pretty much one-way. I don't really notice her ever getting turned on with me in the same situations. So I feel guilty and awkward getting turned on so much with her and I start to emotionally withdraw, stop cuddling or being emotionally responsive, because it just makes me feel so humilliated and worthless and I just don't want to be turned on anymore. But then she'll hug me and smile and I will be again. ¬¬ After awhile I get really anxious and depressed and start having compulsive self-hating thoughts like how I must be repulsive and my sexual affection doesn't mean anything or worse that it inconveniences and repulses people or I'm not attractive or I'm worthless, and they're not really rational at all, but I can't stop feeling this way. I start to get unable to sleep, I'll be up with my compulsively self-hating thoughts all night and waiting to be exhausted to fall asleep quickly without lying awake in bed or until she is awake and out of bed so I can sleep alone, because it hurts to sleep next to her and feel this way. I'll also wish I could be alone for awhile and fantasise about someone who did want me, but when I do, sometimes I start to fantasise about *her* wanting me, but then that just feels more humiliating and depressing and makes me feel guilty again and stops being erotic for me. So I'm working on lessening all these feelings and trying to understand where they all come from. It's complicated because for me emotional-sexual desires are on an overlapping continuum and I don't really always understand how they connect, especially the sexual ones. I am fine when we are long distance, but when we're living in the same space I get all these feelings.

We had sex once, after I finally admitted I was turned on with her, and it was really nice, but I don't think we ever would have if I hadn't said anything then and that really bothers me. I don't want to 'condition' more sex by talking about how sexual I feel but at the same time I end up obssessing about it, feeling miserable and wishing I was "desirable", and then I have to talk about it, because I can't keep my feelings bottled. ¬¬ So we've talked about it and I think we have different libidos, because she isn't asexual, just hypo, and I guess I'm just a very lusty demisexual. But the complicated issue is I'm not really interested in just "having more sex". If I were interested in that I *would* have more sex, with other people, or even with her because she isn't averse to having sex with me. But what I'm missing is feeling desired by her. :/ So when we've talked about it it's been because I've brought it up, but I don't like to bring it up too much because I don't want her to start acting out something that she isn't really authentically feeling. Does that make sense to anyone else? I think the most sexually fulfilling relationship I've ever had was actually a long distance one where we never actually *had* sex at all, but I felt sooooooo sexually desired, and my sexual desire felt soooooo desired also. So to me I think it's mainly an emotional thing, but at the same time it's sexual-emotional.

I've been really sexually repressed and in sexually repressive environments most of my life so I'm only starting to understand my sexual feelings now and I guess that contributes to feeling confused and maybe to my first instinct being that I should shut up about or hide my sexual feelings. I tried hard to be asexual for a long time because I hated myself for being sexual, which of course is impossible. Now I'm feeling like I'm really very sexual, but maybe I just have a tendency to be interested in less sexual people than me, so it just feels that way.

Anyway, hello everyone. :)

Hi and Welcome,

Been a long time since I've been on.

Man I can so relate to so much of that. (even if I find some of it confusing) I'm in another wave of very low self hatred at the moment, and can very much relate to that crazy cycle. Sorry I don't have much advice on that one. I also understand the distance thing, I have been working away an and off for the past 5 years and I think when it started it saved the marriage. It is so much harder when you are living together and there is this, to use a cliche, what feels like an Elephant in the room that them seem to be blissfully unaware off (which seems to be the hardest part). BTW we haven't slept in the same bed for about 3-4 years for the same reason. I just can't go to sleep with her next to me it hurts too much, and have to wait until exhaustion to be able to sleep.

I also agree on the thing with it funnily enough not really being about the sex, but about the desire (or lack of it). I could get more sex if I want/needed but it doesn't work that way if it is a chore then it is sex without the intimacy, so it misses the point all together. Sometimes I am at my lowest just after sex.

So here I am at the bottom of my spiral again, (and unfortunately can't remember how I got out last time), The self loathing and the inability to get past what seems to be unchangeable, with the only resolution to address/control/kill my own sexuality. But that isn't easy. So I am sorry I haven't got any great answers for you (I don't think anyone does) But please know that you aren't alone.

P.S. I have found some herbs that help a little if you can take them consistently and remain abstinent. Liquorice Root, Valerian, and the most significant one Vitex aka Chaste Berry. These have helped me a lot, but you just need to be careful that if you start to get yourself worked up to much, you will get REALLY worked up. So you need to be on your guard to make sure you keep focused on abstinence. And after a little while on them you barley feel the urges any more. Just the dull ache of rejection from not being desired.

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Pandante

Hello. I'm demisexual-identified bisexual. I identify a lot with the definition of demisexual given on the site but I still don't get why the label is the way it is, because I don't feel halfway between asexuality and sexuality. I also actively enjoy and even crave the kinds of intellectual and emotional bonding that sexually attract me, think a lot about sex and talk a lot about sex and like sexual contact a lot, not for its own sake but definitely as a kind of sharing affection and vulnerability and things. I get turned on by the kind of intimacy that intellectual and emotional bonding can create. I've tried to get turned on by people in other contexts, like when I was in school because I felt like I needed to to fit in, or in some sexual communities. It just has never worked for me. Nobody turns me on unless I see them in some kind of intimate emotional context. Being male people tend to catch on pretty quick when I am just not turned on. Even people have crushes on I seem to project some emotional/intellectual life on to them otherwise it doesn't make much sense to me to be giddy over them.

I can get sexually interested in someone pretty fast though if we really click on an intellectual/emotional level fast or I can be fine sharing sexual arousal if the friendship we have makes me feel safe enough. It doesn't have to be One True Love or anything like that. I just need some positive emotional context.

So I'm coming to these boards because I seem to get into a lot of relationships with people who describe themselves as hyposexual or grey-A and I have a lot of these issues other sexual people describe, about feeling undesired or unwanted and things like that, that I feel like I need to work through. It's helped me to be able to read other people's experience, so thanks for that. :) There is a person I see who recently, after reading some of this site, described herself as mostly grey-A. We have a very intense relationship, a deep emotional/intellectual bond, tell each other everything, and I feel safe with her. I get turned on with her a lot when she is holding me and looking in my eyes or smiles and makes an affectionate gesture and I can imagine what she's feeling or says something sweet, and emotionally meaningful things like that, but this seems to me to be pretty much one-way. I don't really notice her ever getting turned on with me in the same situations. So I feel guilty and awkward getting turned on so much with her and I start to emotionally withdraw, stop cuddling or being emotionally responsive, because it just makes me feel so humilliated and worthless and I just don't want to be turned on anymore. But then she'll hug me and smile and I will be again. ¬¬ After awhile I get really anxious and depressed and start having compulsive self-hating thoughts like how I must be repulsive and my sexual affection doesn't mean anything or worse that it inconveniences and repulses people or I'm not attractive or I'm worthless, and they're not really rational at all, but I can't stop feeling this way. I start to get unable to sleep, I'll be up with my compulsively self-hating thoughts all night and waiting to be exhausted to fall asleep quickly without lying awake in bed or until she is awake and out of bed so I can sleep alone, because it hurts to sleep next to her and feel this way. I'll also wish I could be alone for awhile and fantasise about someone who did want me, but when I do, sometimes I start to fantasise about *her* wanting me, but then that just feels more humiliating and depressing and makes me feel guilty again and stops being erotic for me. So I'm working on lessening all these feelings and trying to understand where they all come from. It's complicated because for me emotional-sexual desires are on an overlapping continuum and I don't really always understand how they connect, especially the sexual ones. I am fine when we are long distance, but when we're living in the same space I get all these feelings.

We had sex once, after I finally admitted I was turned on with her, and it was really nice, but I don't think we ever would have if I hadn't said anything then and that really bothers me. I don't want to 'condition' more sex by talking about how sexual I feel but at the same time I end up obssessing about it, feeling miserable and wishing I was "desirable", and then I have to talk about it, because I can't keep my feelings bottled. ¬¬ So we've talked about it and I think we have different libidos, because she isn't asexual, just hypo, and I guess I'm just a very lusty demisexual. But the complicated issue is I'm not really interested in just "having more sex". If I were interested in that I *would* have more sex, with other people, or even with her because she isn't averse to having sex with me. But what I'm missing is feeling desired by her. :/ So when we've talked about it it's been because I've brought it up, but I don't like to bring it up too much because I don't want her to start acting out something that she isn't really authentically feeling. Does that make sense to anyone else? I think the most sexually fulfilling relationship I've ever had was actually a long distance one where we never actually *had* sex at all, but I felt sooooooo sexually desired, and my sexual desire felt soooooo desired also. So to me I think it's mainly an emotional thing, but at the same time it's sexual-emotional.

I've been really sexually repressed and in sexually repressive environments most of my life so I'm only starting to understand my sexual feelings now and I guess that contributes to feeling confused and maybe to my first instinct being that I should shut up about or hide my sexual feelings. I tried hard to be asexual for a long time because I hated myself for being sexual, which of course is impossible. Now I'm feeling like I'm really very sexual, but maybe I just have a tendency to be interested in less sexual people than me, so it just feels that way.

Anyway, hello everyone. :)

Hi and Welcome,

Been a long time since I've been on.

Man I can so relate to so much of that. (even if I find some of it confusing) I'm in another wave of very low self hatred at the moment, and can very much relate to that crazy cycle. Sorry I don't have much advice on that one. I also understand the distance thing, I have been working away an and off for the past 5 years and I think when it started it saved the marriage. It is so much harder when you are living together and there is this, to use a cliche, what feels like an Elephant in the room that them seem to be blissfully unaware off (which seems to be the hardest part). BTW we haven't slept in the same bed for about 3-4 years for the same reason. I just can't go to sleep with her next to me it hurts too much, and have to wait until exhaustion to be able to sleep.

I also agree on the thing with it funnily enough not really being about the sex, but about the desire (or lack of it). I could get more sex if I want/needed but it doesn't work that way if it is a chore then it is sex without the intimacy, so it misses the point all together. Sometimes I am at my lowest just after sex.

So here I am at the bottom of my spiral again, (and unfortunately can't remember how I got out last time), The self loathing and the inability to get past what seems to be unchangeable, with the only resolution to address/control/kill my own sexuality. But that isn't easy. So I am sorry I haven't got any great answers for you (I don't think anyone does) But please know that you aren't alone.

P.S. I have found some herbs that help a little if you can take them consistently and remain abstinent. Liquorice Root, Valerian, and the most significant one Vitex aka Chaste Berry. These have helped me a lot, but you just need to be careful that if you start to get yourself worked up to much, you will get REALLY worked up. So you need to be on your guard to make sure you keep focused on abstinence. And after a little while on them you barley feel the urges any more. Just the dull ache of rejection from not being desired.

I'm so glad to read two posts in a row expressing what I am going through so accurately. I am in a terrible low at the moment too, and I can't remember how I got out of the last one either. Every spiral lasts at least a month, and (I think) every time I'm trying something else. In our relationship a compromise is not possible, so the situation defaults "in favour" of my gf, and i'm left to figure out a way to not lose control. I have tried various ways to suppress my sexual desire too, and it kind of works, but it doesn't last. Among teas or herbal drinks, I find that yerba mate works best. Other than that, exercise. When frustration piles up I do pull-ups or push-ups. If I have time I go for a run with music. It helps. The other thing that helps me is a glass of whisky, but only when I am with my gf, e.g. when we're just hanging out in the living room or something.

I fully agree that it's not about the physical act of sex, but the absence of a connection and appreciation on that (or, in my case, any) physical level. The frequent "don't touch me", and shoving me away are enough to make me feel like a unwanted piece of junk. And like MixedNut, I used to feel lowest after sex (which we don't have anymore) or (now) masturbation - sure, the body feels a bit better, but the sadness is overwhelming. If anyone has any other advice on methods on how to suppress one's sexual desire (in a more or less healthy way) i'd be more than grateful to hear about it.

Of course, one of the best remedies is to do things together, like hiking, or watching a movie, and during those times of happiness, everything is forgotten, and it all seems worth sacrificing physical love. Until your body and mind remind you again of your own sexuality. On the other hand, everything in life is transient. Perhaps, someday, i'll get used to the violent up-and-downs.

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miqui

hey thanks. :cake: I tried to take some drugs just to kill my libido in the past but they've never worked. I seem to be stubbornly resistant. I even used to try to hurt myself when I got aroused to stop it during one phase. But now I'm feeling like I don't *want* to kill my libido anymore. I *like* being sexual. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed of it. I want to feel like I have permission to exist the way I am. I don't want to hate my body anymore and I'm so sick of self-loathing.

I know this doesn't work for everyone, but I have a partner who isn't sex-repulsed. So I'm finding it really helpful to just talk more about my desires and all the feelings around it and things, about fantasies too and masturbating. I've realised that I actually think a lot about sex compared to how much I talk about it. Whereas other things I think about or feel a lot which aren't taboo correspond to how frequently I talk about them with my partner, I feel too ashamed to bring up sexual topics, like fantasies, desires, like how often I get turned on when she smiles at me and hugs me (verrrry often), or all the feelings swirling around it. It's partly my own issues too I think, because I feel so embarrassed talking about some things. Or I'm scared if I talk about it too much it will seem like pressure, or it would condition her to do things. And I really don't want to 'convince' my partner to have sex with me. That's meaningless to me and doesn't even turn me on. I want to feel desired, it's different. Maybe some of it is internalising a lot of negative crap about sexuality and feeling ashamed of having one at all.

So for lots of reasons, even though I feel sexual a lot, I almost never talk about it. We share everything else. It's like a big part of myself I just bottle up`and repress and feel ashamed of and don't share. It feels like I'm being inauthentic and I start to feel insecure about whether I'm actually lovable as a whole person or I'm only lovable if I bottle up my sexual feelings and hide them. Talking helps a lot for me to feel like I'm accepted the way I am, because my partner is actually very accepting and not repulsed or judgemental or anything when I do talk. So a lot of it is working on my own insecurities too and learning to be less ashamed about talking about feeling turned on, or wanting to masturbate, or feeling aroused by certain moments or emotions we share and things like that.

Some people here have said that they masturbate and their asexual partners hold them in their arms and say encouraging sweet things and are affectionate and accepting of it. That sounds amazingly wonderful to me. I know for some people it doesn't take away the feeling that something is missing, but I would love that even with another sexual partner. It sounds like feeling accepted, maybe not reciprocally desired but at least wanted just the way I am, and I think that would help me feel much better. Because a big part of it for me I think is also feeling like there is this whole part of me that isn't actually wanted, but it's still a huge part of me, and I'm scared I'm not really fully wanted and I end up wishing I was someone else, someone without this unwanted sexual part of me. I don't feel loved as I am, I feel loved "as this other person, without these sexual feelings." So it would help to feel wanted with it and be able to integrate them somehow into my interaction with my partner. I think if I can't do this we couldn't ever live together for long periods, because it starts to hurt to be near even.

But I'll also say that since I've been working seriously on not self-loathing and accepting myself and having better self-esteem, I've been feeling better about myself after masturbating. I've been trying to feel good about myself for feeling turned on with my partner, instead of guilty and stupid and bad. Even if it's mostly only meaningful to me... well, at least it can mean something positive to ME. So I've been working on reminding myself... to me, this is positive. I would love to be desired like this! I'm not doing something wrong, I don't have anything to feel guilty about. I need to feel good about myself for feeling this way, it has a positive meaning to me. Then I stop feeling horrible about masturbating.

I'm feeling better now because I talked to my partner and she said she's not repulsed by me feeling turned on with her, which is important to me. Because a lot of emotionally meaningful things we do, like hugging and kissing, turn me on and if that was repulsive I would feel like I just couldn't do them anymore. :/ She also said I can tell her and I can masturbate near her and she finds it sweet. I just need to work on being more open about it and feeling less ashamed. I think it's really important to just talk about everything and be mindful and open about all your feelings. Because there are a lot of feelings that they just might not have any personal reference for, and if we don't express them coherently there's no way to even feel acknowledged and start to work through what feels like it's missing or how to feel better. And I've had to work on really understanding my own feelings about what sexual contact means to me emotionally and why it feels so important, which is a positive thing also because it helps me to know myself better too.

I think this only could work without sex repulsed partners... I've only had stable mixed relationships with sex indifferent and romantic minded people. Repulsed... honestly I think would fall apart. I would be much more devastated in a relationship with someone sex repulsed... I actually stay away from the Spanish language AVEN forums because it seems completely dominated by anti-sexuals who feel frankly superior to sexuals and it's painful to read. I read one thing where someone posted a photo of some guy's romantic smile and suddenly people were talking about how repulsive and disgusting sexual men's smiles are when they are smiling because they're attracted to you. I don't even want to begin to imagine how I would feel if a partner told me even my smile was repulsive to them. I think I would want to hide under a rock and never come out again. I was really happy to see that the English language AVEN forums seem so much more accepting of sexuals and mixed relationships. :)

I don't think that a relationship with someone sex-repulsed could ever be sustainable for me though. It's just absolutely horrible to feel repulsive and a thousand times worse to feel repulsive to someone you love and find attractive. :/ I mean I feel this way because of the indifference, it's hard to accept the indifference as not being a negative judgement about me, it makes me so insecure and I have to work on it and talk about it. But if I knew for sure it was actually the cold truth about how my partner felt about me... I'd just be emotionally devastated. -_- **hugs**

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Marika

I'm here because my daughter is asexual. She's the only teenager in her school who isn't "interested". Its hard for her, and I wanted her to be able to talk to people who aren't going to give her grief over it. It's also weird for me, lol-I don't mind that she's asexual, but OMG I need some coping techniques for those inevitable idiots who come up and ask stupid questions like, "So, why isn't your daughter dating anyone yet?" or my personal favorite, "Wow, you must be really strict! She's never even kissed a guy!" Ugh. She's just not interested! What part of that is hard to understand?!?

Sorry. Little rant there.

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rimmer

I found this site when I typed in 'asexual' in a search engine - meaning "the lack of sex" and I never dreamed I would find a website dedicated to asexuality. I was horrified to find that other sexual were in marriages to asexuals - rather then giving me comfort it caused me complete panic as I then realized that I could never do anything to "fix" my sexless marriage. I am filled with heartache. I am grieved for my lost of sexual potential and satisfaction. I thought I was being a good girl to wait until marriage to have sex with my husband but what this actually did was provide him an opportunity to hide behind an issue that he knew existed but had no explanation for. I dream of sex constantly and I believe that if presented with an opportunity to have an affair with a man in a similar situation I would do so. I do not want to die not knowing the pleasures of mind and body and the older I get the more desperate I become to fulfill my desires. I feel helpless, frustrated, angry and sad. In all other areas of our marriage we are great partners. He has a certain level of affection with me (but not in a sexual way) and this gives me some comfort but also creates frustration as it never leads to anything else. We have been married 16 years and have never consummated our marriage. My mind and body are made in a way to desire things I am not getting and may not ever get and I am at a loss how to live with that and be happy and fulfilled. I can only take this site a little at a time. If I read too much about the grief written about here I am overwhelmed.

I sympathize with you completely. It is pretty unforgivable that your husband has made empty all those years of your life. It would have been far better if another sperm had reached his mother's egg first.

Edited by Larien

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Lyn83

Hi,

I just found this and I haven't read much of the site yet but I hate that no one can really understand what's going on. At the beginning of our relationship my partner told me he wasn't a very sexual person, I didn't see the relationship going anywhere so I didn't worry about it. As it progressed he transitioned which I thought would change things, he got sober which I thought would change things, and he's had surgery which I thought would change things.

What we end up with is a lesbian leaning bisexual and a heteroromantic transman who rarely wants to have sex at all, and when he does it's with men.

He loves me and sees himself with women, but only occasionally wants to have sex with men.

I know we talk about it all the time, and I really just don't know if I can do this, or if I should do this. But I know that I'm a better person with him than with any other partner.

I feel guilty in some ways, because honestly I think that there are psychological issues behind his aversion to sex, but I'm hoping I can find something here to answer my questions.

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