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Pandante

can possible demis post here? :rolleyes:

Of course! ^_^

yay! im not sure wether im demi or asexual. i havent experienced sexual attraction but i feel i could under the right circumstances... i know i am supposed to figure this out on my own but i cant. how should i identify?

I am not an expert on anything at all, but i imagine it is not always straightforward to identify as an asexual in a world dominated by lustrous sexuals. Also you would technically have to test every single circumstance whether/until you feel any sexual attraction in order to distinguish between asexual and demi. The decision of whether and when you want to identify is also a personal one, i think, more so when you don't have enough "data". Sexuality is to some degree also fluid and may change with time.

Can you imagine under what circumstances you might experience sexual attraction?

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glass weegie

can possible demis post here? :rolleyes:

Of course! ^_^

yay! im not sure wether im demi or asexual. i havent experienced sexual attraction but i feel i could under the right circumstances... i know i am supposed to figure this out on my own but i cant. how should i identify?

I am not an expert on anything at all, but i imagine it is not always straightforward to identify as an asexual in a world dominated by lustrous sexuals. Also you would technically have to test every single circumstance whether/until you feel any sexual attraction in order to distinguish between asexual and demi. The decision of whether and when you want to identify is also a personal one, i think, more so when you don't have enough "data". Sexuality is to some degree also fluid and may change with time.

Can you imagine under what circumstances you might experience sexual attraction?

perhaps if i loved somebody a lot for a long time and we were in a great relationship and very happy together... maybe then.

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Pandante

can possible demis post here? :rolleyes:

Of course! ^_^

yay! im not sure wether im demi or asexual. i havent experienced sexual attraction but i feel i could under the right circumstances... i know i am supposed to figure this out on my own but i cant. how should i identify?

I am not an expert on anything at all, but i imagine it is not always straightforward to identify as an asexual in a world dominated by lustrous sexuals. Also you would technically have to test every single circumstance whether/until you feel any sexual attraction in order to distinguish between asexual and demi. The decision of whether and when you want to identify is also a personal one, i think, more so when you don't have enough "data". Sexuality is to some degree also fluid and may change with time.

Can you imagine under what circumstances you might experience sexual attraction?

perhaps if i loved somebody a lot for a long time and we were in a great relationship and very happy together... maybe then.

I hope that happens for you and that you'll find out more then. ;) Perhaps others have more helpful advice.

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glass weegie

can possible demis post here? :rolleyes:

Of course! ^_^

yay! im not sure wether im demi or asexual. i havent experienced sexual attraction but i feel i could under the right circumstances... i know i am supposed to figure this out on my own but i cant. how should i identify?

I am not an expert on anything at all, but i imagine it is not always straightforward to identify as an asexual in a world dominated by lustrous sexuals. Also you would technically have to test every single circumstance whether/until you feel any sexual attraction in order to distinguish between asexual and demi. The decision of whether and when you want to identify is also a personal one, i think, more so when you don't have enough "data". Sexuality is to some degree also fluid and may change with time.

Can you imagine under what circumstances you might experience sexual attraction?

perhaps if i loved somebody a lot for a long time and we were in a great relationship and very happy together... maybe then.

I hope that happens for you and that you'll find out more then. ;) Perhaps others have more helpful advice.

thanks ^_^

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skullery

I've seen a few people on AVEN identify as gray/demi in the hopes that they will be sexually attracted to someone they love. I'm curious how one feels a possibility. I don't doubt it, I'm just curious about it.

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glass weegie

I've seen a few people on AVEN identify as gray/demi in the hopes that they will be sexually attracted to someone they love. I'm curious how one feels a possibility. I don't doubt it, I'm just curious about it.

im as curious as you. its an odd feeling :P

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man-in-black

Gotta admit, I'm kinda pushing close to all out pan-sexuality on some days. However, perhaps the best girlfriend I've ever had is asexual. It's a sweet deal- being in an open relationship with an asexual. I mean, I get to sew all kinds of wild oats and then -just for me- our relationship is not entirely sexless. I'm not trying to say I've got tiger's blood and all that jazz; really the frequent absence of sex with my mate has made me reevaluate the non-sexual spheres of human interaction, awakening me to a broader perspective of all I survey. A friend once suggested that I was asexual, perhaps not understanding the meaning I've recently read here. My soul, I would say, is certainly asexual. But my body and my mind have a keen thirst that must be slaked. I'm totally a friend though, unless you're a bad baddie (and you know who you are :P). In either faith or science, we're all meant to be us. It's either the narrative of some higher power or a necessary niche in a communal species. Can't set up the board without all the pieces, right?

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Equus

Just joined,

My wife is asexual (98% sure). We've been married 10 years but the sex stopped after the honeymoon. She said the time wasn't right and to wait. I waited. I thought work stress and every other possible roadblock. These were my excuses. After 3-4 years I knew that she had no interest in sex (at least with me). For a while I felt 'tricked' into marriage but now I don't believe that she is honest with herself about her own feelings. Another aspect is that I need my partner to be interested in sex and not some duty. I also will not cheat.

The first 8 years of marriage were good albeit frustrating for me. At year 8 she emotionally left the marriage. Once some financial issues/entanglements are resolved we will be getting divorced. This is not sad for me as I look forward to future relationship(s) where there is a greater than 0 chance of sex.

I am here looking to understand more about asexuality. While it did not cause the end of marriage it was a big obstacle. I can also contribute to asexual-sexual relationship issues.

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Sally

I've seen a few people on AVEN identify as gray/demi in the hopes that they will be sexually attracted to someone they love. I'm curious how one feels a possibility. I don't doubt it, I'm just curious about it.

I don't understand that. A label pasted on oneself doesn't mean you will feel what the label says. Shouldn't it be the reverse?

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skullery

Just joined,

My wife is asexual (98% sure). We've been married 10 years but the sex stopped after the honeymoon. She said the time wasn't right and to wait. I waited. I thought work stress and every other possible roadblock. These were my excuses. After 3-4 years I knew that she had no interest in sex (at least with me). For a while I felt 'tricked' into marriage but now I don't believe that she is honest with herself about her own feelings. Another aspect is that I need my partner to be interested in sex and not some duty. I also will not cheat.

The first 8 years of marriage were good albeit frustrating for me. At year 8 she emotionally left the marriage. Once some financial issues/entanglements are resolved we will be getting divorced. This is not sad for me as I look forward to future relationship(s) where there is a greater than 0 chance of sex.

I am here looking to understand more about asexuality. While it did not cause the end of marriage it was a big obstacle. I can also contribute to asexual-sexual relationship issues.

I'm very sorry. :( If she emotionally checked out of the marriage, surely there were issues other than asexuality (which you do admit). A lot of us on here have had emotionally wrenching break ups and/or divorces... it's hell going thru it, but eventually you will find new happiness that you had never known before.

I've seen a few people on AVEN identify as gray/demi in the hopes that they will be sexually attracted to someone they love. I'm curious how one feels a possibility. I don't doubt it, I'm just curious about it.

I don't understand that. A label pasted on oneself doesn't mean you will feel what the label says. Shouldn't it be the reverse?

That's what I think too... though maybe you can just "know" something about yourself before you've ever experienced it?

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SoulOfANewMachine

I'm sexual and my current romantic interest is asexual. I'm on here to educate myself so I can hopefully pursue a relationship

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The Gobble Goblin

My identical twin is asexual, but I am not. It's probably our biggest difference, which makes it very interesting to me.

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crucis

I'm kind of similar to SoulOfANewMachine.

I'm insecure and have low libido... but i'm still sexual. Yet my romantic worldview excludes sexuality. The thought of sex with a romantic partner (or someone i have a crush on) is offensive and extremely distasteful to me. In my book, coitus is the exact opposite of love.

It kind of sucks to feel like i do, because no matter what happens it probably isn't going to work out well. I joined this site to educate myself too, and so far i've learnt alot.

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Pandante

It kind of sucks to feel like i do, because no matter what happens it probably isn't going to work out well.

Do you not think things might work out if you found an asexual partner?

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crucis

It kind of sucks to feel like i do, because no matter what happens it probably isn't going to work out well.

Do you not think things might work out if you found an asexual partner?

Yup, that's probably the best chance I have of a favourable outcome.. The problem is that I'm not completely asexual so I can't completely erase sexual attraction from my mind (I'll still think about it a little bit, and feel guilty).

But i'm a conservative person, so i will never EVER 'do it' with someone i don't feel romantically attracted to. And yet sex with a loved one would be unthinkable. So I must be happily celibate for life 8)

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Pandante

My identical twin is asexual, but I am not. It's probably our biggest difference, which makes it very interesting to me.

That is interesting. Do you occasionally talk about your differing sexualities with your twin?

So I must be happily celibate for life 8)

Sounds like if you can handle this, barring other standard relationship problems, a relationship with an asexual person might work for you. Wish you good luck!

Edited by Arca nine Huggles

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Down in Texas

My identical twin is asexual, but I am not. It's probably our biggest difference, which makes it very interesting to me.

I am the mother of twins some say are identical and others are not so sure. Yes, they look identical. When they were in grade school one teacher started to pick on my left handed twin. So, I started looking for answers. In doing so I discovered that there is a thing called a half idenitcal twin. That may be your case. It is where the mother's egg splits but it is fertilized by two different sperm. Producing the look alike but not the act or total identical twin-ness.

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The Gobble Goblin

That is interesting. Do you occasionally talk about your differing sexualities with your twin?

No, not really. I'm not sure what we'd say about it! We don't often talk about ourselves or feelings or things like that to each other, because it's generally just understood and acknowledged, and no more need to be said. Like how we never ask how each other are today.

I am the mother of twins some say are identical and others are not so sure. Yes, they look identical. When they were in grade school one teacher started to pick on my left handed twin. So, I started looking for answers. In doing so I discovered that there is a thing called a half idenitcal twin. That may be your case. It is where the mother's egg splits but it is fertilized by two different sperm. Producing the look alike but not the act or total identical twin-ness.

How do you find out or know? I'm 99% sure we are identical though, my mum has always taken for granted that we're identical so I assume she's never had reason to think otherwise, nor doctors we've ever seen or that she saw while pregnant. We also do act a lot alike and where we do differ it can be more a different branch of the same tree more than an entirely separate species. Other than this large difference (the asexuality), I suppose there's also our differences in that I went to sixth form and then university where she didn't, but that's situational.

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cubas

Hi :) im sexual, and recently a long-time-love-story-girl told me she is assexual. In matter of fact, she thought that i was also.

Tough conversation, by the way. Cause, you know, forgetting the sexual topic, its was a big fight of subjective visions of the world. We mixed beliefs and feelings. Worst discussion in my life, ever.

She was upset about me not being assexual as she thought, and i was upset about her upsetting. But we still be friends. :)

So im here because:

1 - i was curious about asexuality after that, and here is full of information about people's experiences and feelings, i like to read that.

2 - and i love communities where people discuss and share your life stories and when its done by people who have a same 'problem' for society, its really beautiful. i mean, its a social/colaborative hug. i love internet! haha.

^_^

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zoidberger

I've seen a few people on AVEN identify as gray/demi in the hopes that they will be sexually attracted to someone they love. I'm curious how one feels a possibility. I don't doubt it, I'm just curious about it.

I don't understand that. A label pasted on oneself doesn't mean you will feel what the label says. Shouldn't it be the reverse?

That's what I think too... though maybe you can just "know" something about yourself before you've ever experienced it?

Interestingly I have asked that of myself before. For me, I have always been sex positive in mind set and felt as long as it doesn't get in the way of things (to the extent of say a sex addict) or control one's behaviours, I don't see anything wrong with sex. I was actually curious/intrigued as I am with most things. In this way I figured maybe a positive mind set AND a relationship might predispose me to have grey/demi type behaviour.

Honestly, I would say that for quite a few people who have not had a relationship, it'd be hard to tell that you weren't grey/demi... (in my opinion).

That said, I'm still not sure I have the sexual attraction part of me, and I'm in the best situation to know. It's quite obvious, at any rate, that both CBC and myself are quite off the spectrum as far as "normal" sexual behaviour goes.

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CBC

It's kinda interesting because Zoids' experiences are somewhat different from my own. I don't doubt that I'm some degree of asexual as well, because I'm not sure that I really understand sexual attraction, but on top of that, I come from a relatively sex-negative background. I'm not quite sure I'd go so far as to say anti-sexual, but... I dunno, maybe. :unsure: The part of me that thought I might be grey/demi (I'm not demi) was the part of me that assumed that even if I didn't feel positively towards sex, even if I didn't have any drive for it, even if I didn't want to like it, that my body would possibly not hate every aspect of it. I always likened it to something that had no value to me but that might be enjoyed in some way under the right circumstances -- like watching Jerry Springer, eating McDonald's or reading a celebrity tabloid. Possibly kinda fun or enjoyable on occasion, but not at all the sort of fun I was really drawn to or interested in making a regular part of my life. A cheap thrill of sorts. Unlike Zoids, I was not especially curious or intrigued, at least not in the same way. Maybe more in the can't-help-staring-at-a-bad-car-accident sort of way, combined with a sense of "this is what people do in relationships so I guess I'm going to want/like it now," (which in a weird sort of way, I did/do on occasion).

Er, anyway... I'm sorry if that likely sounds horribly elitist or kinda bad in some way; it's just... well, it's honestly how I felt. Actually having a relationship that, on occasion, does involve sexual activity has helped to make me more sex-positive than I once was... which I guess can only be a good thing. But yeah, any assumptions for me that I might not be fully asexual were just based on the typical doubts that one who feels they don't really know themselves might have, like "You haven't found the right person" or "You're a late bloomer" to "You're just shy" or "Maybe you're a lesbian" and so on. (Turns out I am bi-something-or-other... but that's another topic.) I had no definite indicators that I was anything other than a repulsed asexual with some very strongly negative feelings towards sex, though.

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honor is all

It kind of sucks to feel like i do, because no matter what happens it probably isn't going to work out well.

Do you not think things might work out if you found an asexual partner?

Yup, that's probably the best chance I have of a favourable outcome.. The problem is that I'm not completely asexual so I can't completely erase sexual attraction from my mind (I'll still think about it a little bit, and feel guilty).

But i'm a conservative person, so i will never EVER 'do it' with someone i don't feel romantically attracted to. And yet sex with a loved one would be unthinkable. So I must be happily celibate for life 8)

Yaay for happily celibate people! You logic behind not being able to have sex with a loved one actually makes sense to me since I see the act as a power struggle rather than an expression of love. By power struggle I mean constant bickering of whihc position to try, who gave whom an orgasm and how many times, etc Maybe there was a time where it was a way to express love by wating to hold, caress and completely fuse with your loved one (as if trying to be them for a few minutes) but in this age of Viagra, competition and commercial sex I think it'snothing but showing off/power struggle and causes more inconvenience than convenience (not for all people just some).

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crucis

Yaay for happily celibate people! You logic behind not being able to have sex with a loved one actually makes sense to me since I see the act as a power struggle rather than an expression of love. By power struggle I mean constant bickering of whihc position to try, who gave whom an orgasm and how many times, etc Maybe there was a time where it was a way to express love by wating to hold, caress and completely fuse with your loved one (as if trying to be them for a few minutes) but in this age of Viagra, competition and commercial sex I think it'snothing but showing off/power struggle and causes more inconvenience than convenience (not for all people just some).

Glad to find someone who sees things the same way as i do :) Yes, i do agree that in a contemporary sexual culture it is less likely that sex is being used primarily as a means of expressing love / devotion. I also agree that commercialisation and media portrayals are to blame. It seems impossible these days to perceive sex as nothing but a special bond between two loving people.

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Down in Texas

That is interesting. Do you occasionally talk about your differing sexualities with your twin?

No, not really. I'm not sure what we'd say about it! We don't often talk about ourselves or feelings or things like that to each other, because it's generally just understood and acknowledged, and no more need to be said. Like how we never ask how each other are today.

I am the mother of twins some say are identical and others are not so sure. Yes, they look identical. When they were in grade school one teacher started to pick on my left handed twin. So, I started looking for answers. In doing so I discovered that there is a thing called a half idenitcal twin. That may be your case. It is where the mother's egg splits but it is fertilized by two different sperm. Producing the look alike but not the act or total identical twin-ness.

How do you find out or know? I'm 99% sure we are identical though, my mum has always taken for granted that we're identical so I assume she's never had reason to think otherwise, nor doctors we've ever seen or that she saw while pregnant. We also do act a lot alike and where we do differ it can be more a different branch of the same tree more than an entirely separate species. Other than this large difference (the asexuality), I suppose there's also our differences in that I went to sixth form and then university where she didn't, but that's situational.

A Third Kind of Twins: Polar-Body or Half Identical Twins

In simplest terms, if the egg splits and is fertilized by two different sperm, the embryos share the mother's genes from the ovum, but the genetic material coming from the sperm will be different because two sperm were involved. This makes them polar-body or half identical. According to the NOMOTC, "They share some features of identical twins and some features of fraternal twins."

There is debate among experts as to whether or not polar-body twins constitute a completely new category of twins. For now, however, they remain a subgroup of identical twins.

How to Determine the Kind of Twins

While some parents do not care to know the exact genetic makeup of their twins, many do. Not only do the parents find it helpful in understanding their children, but twins themselves may find the information useful in dealing with their twin relationship. Determining the kind of twins is done through genetic testing of the placenta or embryonic fluids.

Read more at Suite101: A Third Kind of Twins?: Understanding Polar-Body or Half Identical Twins | Suite101.com http://carolbaldwin.suite101.com/a-third-kind-of-twins-a183863#ixzz1nmXCTNtK

Due to the positioning of my twins, I had to have two Dr.s One GYN and one GP. I was told by one Dr that they were identical and the other told me they were not. It is determined sometimes by the presents of having one placenta or two or whether they are in one sack or two. My Dr's did not agree on this so I have only guessed that they are. They also show the mirror imagine one is right handed the other is left, when one lost their first tooth from one side the other lost theirs form the opposite side. They are grown but still have the twin connection. They know when the other is sick or in trouble and they show up at gatherings dressed in the same or similar clothing and did not talk to each other. Sorry this is the best answer I can offer.

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trany101

I joined for a few reasons, but they mostly break down to me being a nerd. A year ago on Wednesday, I met my first open asexual. They taught me the basics, but I never quite understood it. A few months ago I met another asexual, this one being shy so I was instantly attracted. She introduced me to more asexuals (first time I was the only sexual person in a car was because of her). I got elected as the president of my college's GSA so I felt like I had to educate myself on all the different labels of people when it came to sexuality and gender from the people themselves instead of text books. Asexuality is my current project. I felt so welcome and like I wasn't intruding when I talk to people here and in person even when I am asking those stupid questions that I am now trying to return the favor in some way. My current mission is to use psychology to dsiprove myths about people who are not straight or cis-gendered.

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Randompersonsayshi

Hello. Um. I dont really know what im doing here. I was kinda bored and started thinking of my ex. I thought I was over her, but guess not. She's asexual and I came here looking for answers. 2 months later she dumped me. She did it for my sake. I enjoyed being with her though. -Sigh- Sorry everybody I just feel like someone here might help somehow.

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Stranger

Random, Welcome to AVEN. Although you might not find specific help (but some do!), you will find people who understand your situation. Reading through posts of people who have been in yours or your ex-girlfriends shoes will help you understand both yourself and your ex-girlfriend better. It will also help you understand some of what is required to make a mixed a/s relationship work.

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skullery

Hello. Um. I dont really know what im doing here. I was kinda bored and started thinking of my ex. I thought I was over her, but guess not. She's asexual and I came here looking for answers. 2 months later she dumped me. She did it for my sake. I enjoyed being with her though. -Sigh- Sorry everybody I just feel like someone here might help somehow.

What happened?? She said "I'm doing this for your own good" and then broke your heart? That sounds passive aggressive to me, like she just didn't have the balls to address what was really going on. Did you guys discuss sex? Was it a problem at any point in your relationship? And... are you still friends with her and know what she's doing now?

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accidentally the david

I guess my first experience with asexuality came without me even realizing it.

A good friend of mine was in a long distance relationship with this girl and as things went along they were fighting a lot, and I remember a fight they had regarding if he moved out to her how their relationship would work and a rather specific point of contention that came up was sex. He wanted it, she didnt. I just thought it was a case of her being uncomfortable with sex and not really having come into herself sexually.

It ended up being one of the reasons they broke up ...

Fast forward maybe a year or two and I noticed the two were speaking again after a few months of not due to apparently not as a result of arguments even as friends.

This resulted in us all talking on a website where we played music together and generally just fun times and as time went on I started talking to her more and more until one day my friend approached me to ask if I liked her.

I told him no - though I wasn't really sure - and he said he just thought since her and I spoke a lot and were fairly flirty with one another that I might, and he wanted to make sure if I did that I knew about the sexuality issues he had with her so I didn't get involved if I wasn't comfortable with it.

I just kind of pushed it off, but over the course of the last month of us talking I realized I I did like her, and I told my friend out of respect for him having previously dated her... And he just wanted to reassure me regarding the sex thing and despite me not really knowing what to think I knew feelings were there so he said he was cool with it.

Then a few days later I'd spoken to her about it, told her I like her, and she told me she was hoping that was the case :D and then she told me very forward that she wanted to tell me she was asexual. She wanted to know if I was ok with this, and I said I was. Truth be told I wasn't sure what I thought, because I knew next to nothing.

I just knew I like her and that was good enough for me.

So I then took some time the next day reading about asexuality and eventually found my way here. I read a decent amount of things and I found myself realizing that I was comfortable with this. It didn't change how I felt, she was still the same cheerful, silly, wonderful girl regardless of her sexuality.

She asked me the next day if I would be fine with a just romantic relationship - nonsexual - and I knew I was. I knew I was fine with it, because I know she is worth it. I told her yes, and that I spent time reading about asexuality and she was overjoyed that I took time to find more out about it.

We spoke a decent bit about things and eventually just went back to our normal silly fun times together and honestly its been amazing so far with her.

It is almost ... much more free feeling a relationship knowing the sexual pressures that would often be present in the relationships I've had in the past weren't present here. I know it may present some kind of issue down the road, but I'm confident we will be able to address them and handle them with maturity as they arise.

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Pandante

I guess my first experience with asexuality came without me even realizing it.

A good friend of mine was in a long distance relationship with this girl and as things went along they were fighting a lot, and I remember a fight they had regarding if he moved out to her how their relationship would work and a rather specific point of contention that came up was sex. He wanted it, she didnt. I just thought it was a case of her being uncomfortable with sex and not really having come into herself sexually.

It ended up being one of the reasons they broke up ...

Fast forward maybe a year or two and I noticed the two were speaking again after a few months of not due to apparently not as a result of arguments even as friends.

This resulted in us all talking on a website where we played music together and generally just fun times and as time went on I started talking to her more and more until one day my friend approached me to ask if I liked her.

I told him no - though I wasn't really sure - and he said he just thought since her and I spoke a lot and were fairly flirty with one another that I might, and he wanted to make sure if I did that I knew about the sexuality issues he had with her so I didn't get involved if I wasn't comfortable with it.

I just kind of pushed it off, but over the course of the last month of us talking I realized I I did like her, and I told my friend out of respect for him having previously dated her... And he just wanted to reassure me regarding the sex thing and despite me not really knowing what to think I knew feelings were there so he said he was cool with it.

Then a few days later I'd spoken to her about it, told her I like her, and she told me she was hoping that was the case :D and then she told me very forward that she wanted to tell me she was asexual. She wanted to know if I was ok with this, and I said I was. Truth be told I wasn't sure what I thought, because I knew next to nothing.

I just knew I like her and that was good enough for me.

So I then took some time the next day reading about asexuality and eventually found my way here. I read a decent amount of things and I found myself realizing that I was comfortable with this. It didn't change how I felt, she was still the same cheerful, silly, wonderful girl regardless of her sexuality.

She asked me the next day if I would be fine with a just romantic relationship - nonsexual - and I knew I was. I knew I was fine with it, because I know she is worth it. I told her yes, and that I spent time reading about asexuality and she was overjoyed that I took time to find more out about it.

We spoke a decent bit about things and eventually just went back to our normal silly fun times together and honestly its been amazing so far with her.

It is almost ... much more free feeling a relationship knowing the sexual pressures that would often be present in the relationships I've had in the past weren't present here. I know it may present some kind of issue down the road, but I'm confident we will be able to address them and handle them with maturity as they arise.

So good to hear that you got together and are confident about the relationship. Sure, the ride might become a bit bumpy, but keep up the optimism, the positive communication between you two, and, most importantly, the belief that she loves you always.

There aren't many success stories, even here on AVEN, of asexual-sexual relationships, so we gotta improve the numbers! 8)

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