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a little annihilation

I'm here cuz I thought I was ace. Only recently realized I'm not. Stopped being as active because mods harassed my "friends" and I, left this February because it's a cesspool that drove me to nick an artery, get stitches, and land in the psych ward, and I'm back because my "friends" turned on me. Now I stay for the few who I'm friends with, one of which I have a crush on.

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LostDreamer
On 9/25/2010 at 8:33 PM, Tapestry said:

I am a sexual female. I have been married to my asexual husband for over 16 years and have three kids (thank goodness for adoption! lol). He was interested in sex before we got married, but it turned off like a switch during the honeymoon and has been that way ever since. He has no explanation for why this happened. I find I sometimes feel so resentful and deceived. It's so hard to deal with. I used to always think my husband just wasn't into me or that I was unattractive, but a few years ago I started looking for a "cause", so to speak. Eventually found this site, pretty much when I was at the point I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and might jump on some random strange man walking down the street. Then I started getting depressed again and had to stop thinking about it and had to take a break from reading online and Aven, and now I've started thinking about it again and decided to reconnect with Aven. It's really helpful for me to talk with people in the same situation. I had talked to my husband a lot after finding Aven, and he agreed that he is asexual (had never heard of it before). I'm so conflicted...feel like I can't keep living like this but don't want to put my kids through a divorce, so I live in limbo. Unfortunately on top of no sex we have absolutely no intimacy or affection of any kind. My husband pretty much doesn't talk to me. I'm thankful he's a good father. I'm 38 and my kids are 3, 6, and almost-8. I've been trying to throw myself into activities and am planning to go back to college in the next year or so for a career change, but still, there is such emptiness in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Happy to be back here and hope to learn and share with you all. :)

I am so sorry you're living through this. I am too, same boat, same ocean, we might've set sail from the same dock. Sex didn't come to a standstill for us ON the honeymoon; it lagged during my first pregnancy and stayed that way through my second pregnancy and all through breastfeeding. Then there was a 2-year-long reprieve in the middle where he was suddenly on me all the time, which was heaven, but then he slipped right back into it just doesn't do anything for him and he's not interested. Even when performing the act, he doesn't really care how or what - he's just doing his part, trying to make me happy. And that only happens maybe 4 times a year, and most of those are because I reach a level of hopelessness he can no longer live with, but afterwards I feel even worse, more hopeless, more worthless, more unloved and unwanted.

It's hard. Every option you have is a bad option. You have my truest, deepest, most heartfelt sympathies. And if you'd ever like to chat here, I'm open to it. If not, just remember there's a stranger out there who understands and is hurting for you. 

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Sarah-Sylvia

@LostDreamerjust to let you know, this is an old thread and the person you quoted hasn't been on since 2013. You can share whatever you want of course :).

 

Your partner certainly sounds inconsistently sexual. You could look into graysexuality, or ask around it, if you're looking to talk on it. (it's how I identify)

I hope you can come to know if it's how he is sexuallty, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it's just sex isn't a way he expresses it, probably.

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a little annihilation

somehow just now realized i posted in the wrong fvcking thread 🙃

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Hi all, I think I just need a sounding board for people who are able to relate in some way to my situation and this seems surprisingly active. 
Yesterday I made the difficult decision to end a relationship of six months with someone who believes they may be asexual. Last week she admitted how she felt.
She was previously abused in a relationship that has caused trauma and depression. Once she started opening up to me about that I decided I wanted to be the one to help her overcome all future challenges and give her the happiness she deserved. I fell in love fast, even blurting it out by accident on the stairwell the first time while saying goodbye. She treated me incredibly well. I am admittedly a bit needy for attention and she provided it perfectly. We had an infrequent but in my opinion very enjoyable sex life. I also thought she enjoyed everything. I loved doing anything and nothing with her. 
When she mentioned she’s not interested in sex I was very confused. I stayed the night despite not really wanting to and she really appreciated it. I spent the entire week reading articles and forums and made it clear we needed to have a serious discussion. In her current state she has zero interest in anything beyond cuddling. She is in the process of getting re-diagnosed with depression. There is a possibility that with new medication she may have a renewed sexual drive but that isn’t her, that’s just the medication. I brought up compromises and anything beyond cuddling was an indefinite no. I was afraid to touch her or even look at her for risk of making her uncomfortable or making myself sexually frustrated. It also hurt so much to hear that anytime we were intimate in the past she only did it because it was expected of her. 
I’m really struggling and currently full of regret. I had just told a friend two weeks prior that she was the one. I unfortunately decided that I need some level of intimacy and it’s not fair to either of us for me to linger around hoping that that returns one day. 
Anyways I just wanted to type it out to people who would understand. I was going to have regrets with both paths but I hope I picked the choice with fewer regrets, but right now it sure feels like I chose wrong. 

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Olallieberry
44 minutes ago, Temporary7 said:

Hi all

Welcome. I'm sorry to hear about the breakup. I for one can understand, completely. My own 17-year marriage may end this way too. You've made some choices similar to choices I've made in the past, myself, which turned out to yield much pain.

 

It'll get better.

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1 hour ago, Ollie415 said:

Welcome. I'm sorry to hear about the breakup. I for one can understand, completely. My own 17-year marriage may end this way too. You've made some choices similar to choices I've made in the past, myself, which turned out to yield much pain.

 

It'll get better.

Thanks. I always feel silly airing things out to people who have invested significantly more time and energy into their situations, however I also try to tell myself my own feelings are still valid. Last week she was going to order me a book, I hope she went through with ordering it as I still want to understand her situation more. 

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@Temporary7 Hi, welcome. :) 

 

It feels awful if you love(d) her, yep. Breaking up with someone you feel that way about is always going to be painful, there's no way round it. But I do think you made the right choice, and of course no one is at fault. You're just different people with different needs and wants. Splitting up after six months is easier to eventually move past than it would be after two years of a serious relationship. Much easier than it would be after a decade of your lives being intertwined. And certainly far easier than after 30+ years of marriage and all that might come with for many people, like children and home ownership and basically your whole foundation for the way you live your life, along with the idea that 'Well, we're kinda old now... is it really worth it to break up?'

 

This isn't to say what you're going through is easy, because it isn't. When I say 'easier' than breakups after a longer relationship, I mean it's more straightforward. As Ollie said, things will get better -- and with far fewer complicating factors, probably sooner than they would've the longer you waited to end the relationship.


I'm sorry you're hurting right now, though... unfortunately, there's no way to avoid that. Your feelings are certainly entirely valid.

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Olallieberry
2 hours ago, Temporary7 said:

I always feel silly airing things out to people who have invested significantly more time and energy into their situations, however I also try to tell myself my own feelings are still valid.

They sure are. Of course they are.

 

And if leaving because of a mismatch was the choice you had to make, there's nothing wrong with that. People break up for all sorts of valid reasons. This is unquestionably one. Most people outside of AVEN would tell you you should absolutely leave an asexual partner. A few people on AVEN might congratulate you on getting out while you could.

 

These people you're referring to as having invested more time and energy, is this a way of saying you feel like you should have tried harder? Just asking. Anyway, what it made me think of when I read it was those sexual people on AVEN who have invested time and energy in preserving a relationship which was formed without the knowledge and awareness of their partner's asexuality. Often even the asexual partner doesn't know, until years and years on, and shared property and multiple children complicate things. I just point out that if you're comparing yourself to people with more at stake, don't beat yourself up for not doing more.

 

4 hours ago, Temporary7 said:

it’s not fair to either of us for me to linger around hoping that that returns one day. 

I did this for years, almost until I couldn't anymore. Until my spouse identified as asexual at last. That definitely changed the way I look at things, but it really does underscore how uninformed and naïve the waiting was. I can't possibly say now what I would have done if we had known this thirteen years ago, before our child was conceived, or even ten years ago, after their birth. But I reached a point where I was very nearly done with waiting and I don't know what would have happened one year ago if she hadn't broken the ice about our absent sex life and identified as asexual.

 

I and many others around here relate to your icky feeling around having had sex in the past which our partners didn't want. There's also the icky feeling of something like our own need for sex being what causes the relationship to fail. And the icky feeling of feeling obligated to stay just because quitting over sex seems shallow. And the icky feeling of knowing the partner's needs are pretty much being met while our own never can, with them. And the icky feeling of not knowing whether staying is unfair to them.

 

I still don't know what I'm going to do, but it's definitely not going to be anything as naïve as "wait for sex between us to come back." I don't regret the waiting, because where we are now is very positive in a lot of respects. But it still might not be enough. Gonna be honest, what I'm doing right now is basically ignoring the issue because I have other priorities right now other than working further on this with her. We spent months working on it intensely, and we made a lot of progress. Of course progress doesn't mean sex, so, that's, y'know, still no less of a problem than it was for the last decade and more.

 

Anyway, not trying to make this all about me, just hoping you relate to some of this and recognize that this isn't unusual, you aren't alone, and yeah, your feelings are valid and so are your choices.

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@Ollie415 thank you for your incredibly well thought out response, it helped a lot. I am sorry to hear about your personal situation, I hope it works out as well as it can, and if you ever need advice or reassurance that someone can provide the same quality that you’ve done for me. 

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intheshadowoferos
On 6/10/2023 at 6:35 PM, LostDreamer said:

Sexual (addendum: very) 

I followed a Google search down the rabbit hole, hoping to save my marriage, and 3 separate resulting links brought me here. After reading through several related queries and the responses, I decided to stay awhile. I don't know for certain that my husband is asexual (he might be demi and just feel no romantic love for me anymore), but I'm hoping I can gain some perspective or find some hope. 

Welcome, you are exactly where I was 3 yrs ago. You’re in the right space. I agree that you may get a bit more insight starting a unique thread.

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On 6/12/2023 at 12:15 PM, Ollie415 said:

It'll get better.

 

23 hours ago, Ceebs said:

things will get better -- and with far fewer complicating factors, probably sooner than they would've the longer you waited to end the relationship.

NOTE: absolutely not meaning to pick on you two specifically - I see people saying this regularly, and it grates on me every time, but I usually don’t have time to add my $0.02.  Yours were just the ones I saw most recently.  :)

 

I know everyone is trying to be positive and supportive, which I’m sure newer folks especially appreciate - and maybe somehow I truly am the lone exception that proves the rule - but people should probably keep in mind that sometimes it doesn’t get better.  Sometimes things for one party (maybe even all parties, but I hope not) are actually worse post-breakup, and stay that way.

 

I’m not saying that’s a reason people shouldn’t break up.  It’s just not always true that breaking up makes things better for everyone, frees everyone up to find a better match, leaves everyone happier in the long run, etc.  “I’m really doing this for both/all of us” probably shouldn’t factor into the list of pros because… sometimes that simply isn’t what happens.

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How do you theorise it could get worse in that particular situation, assuming one of the people in the relationship isn't heavily dependent on the other for some particular type of support that they will then be completely without if they split? What type of 'worse' are we talking about?

 

If you mean a scenario where someone never ever finds another partner who's a better match, I can see how it could be worse for them. For a variety of reasons, even though the situation was far from what I really wanted to have with someone, I'd rather have stayed with my ex-husband than been alone for the rest of my life for sure, since we were (and are) on good terms and had been together for a decade.

 

But other than scenarios where one partner needs a lot of support, or the possibility that someone might be alone for the rest of their life and they don't want that (and 'might be' is not that great a reason, since no one knows the future), especially as we're talking about a six-month relationship here and not a much longer established one, what are the potential ways it could get worse? Temporary7 hasn't mentioned any specific reason it might do so. Feeling regret isn't a reason it's the wrong choice, so there has to be something else. Do you have any reason to believe there is?

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Olallieberry
21 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Sometimes things for one party (maybe even all parties, but I hope not) are actually worse post-breakup, and stay that way.

Unless you have a really good reason for believing that this is one of those times, this wasn't constructive.

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Sorry, never mind, apparently this isn’t a good time to talk about it.

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Or maybe you didn't give enough details to understand what you said... Of course, sometimes, break ups make it worse but all depends of the context. And you didn't give any 😅

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7 minutes ago, Liara said:

Or maybe you didn't give enough details to understand what you said... Of course, sometimes, break ups make it worse but all depends of the context. And you didn't give any 😅

Just a general observation.  I regularly see people telling others it will get better for everyone, they are freeing their partners up for more suitable relationships, they can transition to friendship, etc.  And those things certainly can happen.  But can is not the same as will; sometimes they don’t.

 

Anyway, agreed that in the specific case under consideration currently (a relationship with a short tenure) it’s probably not relevant to discuss.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 7/4/2010 at 6:19 PM, hiddentears said:

Ok, So I know I'm not the only Sexual here on AVEN. What I'm wondering is how many of us are there and what are your reasons for being on AVEN.

Personally I'm here because my best friend recently came out as asexual so I'm trying to learn more about where she is coming from. Also I haven't been here very long but I'v already made some pretty awesome friends and I can't wait to meet even more.

So I'd love to hear your story if you're willing to share.

Yes, this is the reason why I signed up today was to support others who have relationships with those who are asexual. 

 

My story: 

Married 20+ years. Love my wife but we struggle in the sex area. My wife is comfortable with once every few months and I could easily do daily or more. We tried counseling which was good in some ways. We both come from difficult families so getting some healthy 3rd party perspective into our relationships helped us a lot. Some of the counseling was awful and borderline evil. They tried gaslighting me into thinking I was a sex addict for only wanting to have sex with my wife more frequently than once a few months. I'm glad I've worked passed that now. Over the past couple years I've been examining most areas of my life as to why I hold certain beliefs.  This area of our relationship was included and I think I'm at peace with this now that she is a different type of person than me--really ugly to write that down but it's where I'm at. 

 

Coming to terms that she is asexual recently has really helped me see her differently. It's not that she's doing this TO ME but rather it's just the person she is. It's such a shame that this topic of sexuality is so taboo among friends that the only place we can find community and support is the pseudo anonymity of the internet.  

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  • 1 month later...
On 6/12/2023 at 1:06 PM, Ollie415 said:

These people you're referring to as having invested more time and energy, is this a way of saying you feel like you should have tried harder? Just asking. Anyway, what it made me think of when I read it was those sexual people on AVEN who have invested time and energy in preserving a relationship which was formed without the knowledge and awareness of their partner's asexuality. Often even the asexual partner doesn't know, until years and years on, and shared property and multiple children complicate things. I just point out that if you're comparing yourself to people with more at stake, don't beat yourself up for not doing more.

 

I did this for years, almost until I couldn't anymore. Until my spouse identified as asexual at last. That definitely changed the way I look at things, but it really does underscore how uninformed and naïve the waiting was. I can't possibly say now what I would have done if we had known this thirteen years ago, before our child was conceived, or even ten years ago, after their birth. But I reached a point where I was very nearly done with waiting and I don't know what would have happened one year ago if she hadn't broken the ice about our absent sex life and identified as asexual.

 

I and many others around here relate to your icky feeling around having had sex in the past which our partners didn't want. There's also the icky feeling of something like our own need for sex being what causes the relationship to fail. And the icky feeling of feeling obligated to stay just because quitting over sex seems shallow. And the icky feeling of knowing the partner's needs are pretty much being met while our own never can, with them. And the icky feeling of not knowing whether staying is unfair to them.

In my case she switched off while we were living together. I blamed myself and tried to fix it by getting married. But that didn't change anything, and the pattern continued for 30 years or so until I found this forum and discovered that asexuality was a thing. Everything here resonates with my experience. Only in the last few years did she begin to admit to me that she was always this way, before we met. The passion I'd been trying to renew had been an act. She wanted to be that for me, and then, at some point, didn't want to pretend anymore.  Perhaps it was her way of trying to let me know when she had no words to express it. What would have happened if we knew about asexuality and could have discussed it? I don't know. But I would not have spent all those years of guilt and shame and anger, trying to repair something I felt I had damaged.  Clearly she loved me, so why can't she want me? Now at least I know.

What you say about all the icky feelings is so perfectly on mark. I've felt icky all this time about my own sexuality. If only I could not be sexual, everything would be fine between us. So why can't I do that for her? But I can't change what I am any more than she can change what she is.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Greetings everyone!! I'm brand spanking new and I came across this site while searching for a clear-cut answer on a topic that's not clear-cut at all.

I'm nine-teen, I still have yet to really establish any long-lasting, serious relationship, but ever since I was old enough to understand what sex was, I've had a really high sex drive. And I was once in an online situation with a girl who was asexual (this was when I was 14). I was very set in my ways, and was inconsiderate towards HER feelings...all because I was confused, felt "betrayed", and wasn't sure how to approach the topic...so I just did the easy thing and ran. I wished for a long time that I could have at least made more of an effort to understand, because there's more to being with someone than just the physical gratification, and I'm still learning this lesson. My sexual history could have it's own little mini-series, I've dealt with so many girls in the past couple of years...Am I proud of it? No. Do I know better? Heck yes. And I want to learn how to be able to put my sexual impulses aside, or at least be less centered in them...all because I've met this girl that's like a breath of fresh AIR to me. So much so that when we talked and she conveyed to me that she was asexual, I had to find out what it was so that I wouldn't continue to be ignorant of it. I accept her and want to learn more about her and connect with her on a level that's beyond just a binding of two bodies, because she's been a good friend to me and I feel like it's the very least I could do. With that said, I'm not sure what her specifications are (what she does and doesn't like), but I was just hoping to find out from you beautiful people what your experiences were like if you're a hetero-sexual male that's been, or is in the same boat as I currently am. Or anyone, for that matter, that can spare a few words of guidance or a story...it would be greatly appreciated! I'm open to any knowledge I can obtain from you guys.

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