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Fellow Sexuals

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uhtred
1 hour ago, Keith James said:

My wife of 37 years came out to me as an Asexual two weeks ago. She read an article in the Minneapolis Tribune about Asexuality and it checked all the boxes for her. I read the article and we talked about the hurt we were both feeling. A quick Google search turned up this site and this forum. This forum is very helpful in digesting all the feelings I am experiencing. I am NOT alone. A therapy session is scheduled for next Thursday to help me move forward. What that forward is I could not tell you at this moment. Asexuals are 1% of the population and I married one. Thank you all for contributing to this forum. Perhaps I will be able to contribute at some point in the future.

A number of us are in similar situations, Its not good.

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, Keith James said:

She read an article in the Minneapolis Tribune about Asexuality and it checked all the boxes for her. I read the article and we talked about the hurt we were both feeling

Welcome! And I'm sorry, it's really painful. It also felt better for me to know, in the end, but it did take months to feel better. I can only try to imagine how it feels for you;  my husband and I haven't been together as long, just a decade and a half.

 

But I think if your partner approached you, and you both have empathy -- it sounds like you do -- that's really valuable. Try to keep that going (but it takes both partners, you're just one half). the worst difficulties often seem to be from a lack of communication/caring (although it's still painful, even with that). I hope we hear from you more!

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Sally

Just a note -- asexuals are probably quite a bit more common than 1% of the general population.  There are likely many asexuals (especially those who are older) who do not know the term and thus just think that there is something wrong with them, plus people in countries which don't have such easy access to social media, etc. that Westernized countries do.  

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Ours
12 hours ago, Keith James said:

My wife of 37 years came out to me as an Asexual two weeks ago. She read an article in the Minneapolis Tribune about Asexuality and it checked all the boxes for her. I read the article and we talked about the hurt we were both feeling. A quick Google search turned up this site and this forum. This forum is very helpful in digesting all the feelings I am experiencing. I am NOT alone. A therapy session is scheduled for next Thursday to help me move forward. What that forward is I could not tell you at this moment. Asexuals are 1% of the population and I married one. Thank you all for contributing to this forum. Perhaps I will be able to contribute at some point in the future.

We’ve been married 20 years and just learned the term this summer. I love my husband but it hasn’t been the relationship I had hoped for. As painful as today is take some peace that it wasn’t you she was rejecting she was trying to give what she could. Not enough but what she could. I’m going to assume the kids are grown and with that you have more options then you think you do. 

 The more asexuality is known/ written about the better the future is.

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cupid69
13 hours ago, Keith James said:

My wife of 37 years came out to me as an Asexual two weeks ago. She read an article in the Minneapolis Tribune about Asexuality and it checked all the boxes for her. I read the article and we talked about the hurt we were both feeling. A quick Google search turned up this site and this forum. This forum is very helpful in digesting all the feelings I am experiencing. I am NOT alone. A therapy session is scheduled for next Thursday to help me move forward. What that forward is I could not tell you at this moment. Asexuals are 1% of the population and I married one. Thank you all for contributing to this forum. Perhaps I will be able to contribute at some point in the future.

@KeithJames. Good luck with your journey but I have to say that the therapist will not solve your problem of mismatched sexualities so that may be wasted costs.

Only you and your wife, by talking about your differences, can actually move you both into an understanding relationship if you can both accept each-others way of life. It won't be easy but if more than 50% of the things you like about each other outweigh the remainder that you don't like then give it a go. The pebble in the shoe will however, remain forever.

 

I don't know where you get the 1% from but when you add in gays, lesbians, transexuals, bisexuals and the disinterested etc then that adds up to a lot more of the heterosexual pool being minimised for choice purposes if you want to match your heterosexuality to another. This has probably always been the case however except that nowadays there is a lot more information available online and elsewhere.

 

 

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cupid69
On 10/12/2019 at 7:06 AM, Sally said:

Just a note -- asexuals are probably quite a bit more common than 1% of the general population.  There are likely many asexuals (especially those who are older) who do not know the term and thus just think that there is something wrong with them, plus people in countries which don't have such easy access to social media, etc. that Westernized countries do.  

lol

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Fallen Unicorn

Hey guys, I'm back from a long hiatus! I'm currently seeing an asexual person in a queerplatonic relationship 🙂

 

From my posts in the past, I did have a really bad relationship with an asexual person who was manipulative. I thought I needed sex to be in a relationship, turns out it was their manipulative nature that drove me away. Anyways, I'm really happy to be back!

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Nai

I guess I am going to introduce myself here even though I have been on this site foooor six years? :P

 

Hello everyone, call me Nai!

 

I identified as gray ace since 2014-ish up until around last year, some things happened, and I realized "wow, I was just a REALLY late bloomer!" I identify as pansexual now (though, usually, I just call myself queer when someone asks). I never mentioned it on AVEN until now because I did not really.....care? :lol: It didn't feel like a big deal to me, I don't place too much care on figuring out my sexual orientation. So I guess it was an accidental secret for about a year. It did make me become more disconnected from AVEN, however, since I no longer identify with the ace spectrum. So I'm trying to be on a little more again now, since I do enjoy the forums!

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michaeld

Welcome back! Can't relate personally as I am and always have been asexual, but you're still very welcome here of course, and I'm glad you're sticking around! :cake:

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Serran

I go to see my wife in a few days (omg Visa hurry up already so I can just live with my wife) and... I still find it a very odd experience to be looking forward to the sexual part of being with a partner. But a good odd. 

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JMS

I'm new here and, importantly, new to understanding all of this.  My introduction was accidental; I was listening to a favorite comic and she mentioned she was asexual in an interview.  I had never heard the term before but, after doing some research, I have come to believe that my wife is asexual.  Just prior to marriage nearly 40 years ago, she told me she was "frigid" (her words, and while I thought I knew what it meant intellectually, physically, I had no idea).  I don't know if they are one and the same but its been well over 5 years since we have been intimate and, even before then, sex was...difficult and it grew apparent that she didn't, doesn't enjoy it.  She has never sought it out and I don't try anymore.  I am reading the forums and such, and have much to learn but am so glad I have found a support group.  I hope it can help...sometimes its a lot harder to deal with than others. 

 

Sorry if this was not the right place to post...please point me in the right direction as needed. 

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ryn2
54 minutes ago, JMS said:

Sorry if this was not the right place to post...please point me in the right direction as needed.

I’ll let the others comment on your story as I’m sort of a confused greyish tweener these days but I wanted to welcome you to AVEN and reassure you that you picked the right spot!  :)

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JMS
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

I’ll let the others comment on your story as I’m sort of a confused greyish tweener these days but I wanted to welcome you to AVEN and reassure you that you picked the right spot!  :)

 

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JMS

Thank you ryn2.  Looking forward to hearing from everyone.

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SusannaC

@JMS You chose a perfectly fine place to post and welcome.   What matters is that you are here, seeking support.   I hope you find it.  I would suggest you go back and read some older sections- some are very helpful!

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JMS
18 hours ago, SusannaC said:

@JMS You chose a perfectly fine place to post and welcome.   What matters is that you are here, seeking support.   I hope you find it.  I would suggest you go back and read some older sections- some are very helpful!

Thank you Susanna.  I will do what you suggest.

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cupid69
On 1/11/2020 at 9:14 PM, JMS said:

I'm new here and, importantly, new to understanding all of this.  My introduction was accidental; I was listening to a favorite comic and she mentioned she was asexual in an interview.  I had never heard the term before but, after doing some research, I have come to believe that my wife is asexual.  Just prior to marriage nearly 40 years ago, she told me she was "frigid" (her words, and while I thought I knew what it meant intellectually, physically, I had no idea).  I don't know if they are one and the same but its been well over 5 years since we have been intimate and, even before then, sex was...difficult and it grew apparent that she didn't, doesn't enjoy it.  She has never sought it out and I don't try anymore.  I am reading the forums and such, and have much to learn but am so glad I have found a support group.  I hope it can help...sometimes its a lot harder to deal with than others. 

 

Sorry if this was not the right place to post...please point me in the right direction as needed. 

 

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Serran
23 hours ago, JMS said:

I'm new here and, importantly, new to understanding all of this.  My introduction was accidental; I was listening to a favorite comic and she mentioned she was asexual in an interview.  I had never heard the term before but, after doing some research, I have come to believe that my wife is asexual.  Just prior to marriage nearly 40 years ago, she told me she was "frigid" (her words, and while I thought I knew what it meant intellectually, physically, I had no idea).  I don't know if they are one and the same but its been well over 5 years since we have been intimate and, even before then, sex was...difficult and it grew apparent that she didn't, doesn't enjoy it.  She has never sought it out and I don't try anymore.  I am reading the forums and such, and have much to learn but am so glad I have found a support group.  I hope it can help...sometimes its a lot harder to deal with than others. 

 

Sorry if this was not the right place to post...please point me in the right direction as needed. 

Welcome. It can be difficult to navigate, especially after figuring out things years into marriage. Hopefully it helps being here. :cake:

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CBC
29 minutes ago, Apostle said:

You won't get a lot of sympathy for your plight on this website.

Ignore this, @JMS. 🙄 You will indeed receive support from fellow members. Welcome, and I hope you find it beneficial to be here and to read and post. :cake: 

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JMS
18 hours ago, Apostle said:

You won't get a lot of sympathy for your plight on this website. Be careful of some asexuals' comments as they can be misleading. You will find out who the baiters are in due course but best of luck with your quest. Your situation is unlikely to change in your lifetime so learn to live with it if you can is my only suggestion. 

Not sure I'm looking for sympathy but my own better understanding.  I've been in this situation for 40 years...I know by now its not going to change, but its good to see that I am not alone.  

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JMS
17 hours ago, CBC said:

Ignore this, @JMS. 🙄 You will indeed receive support from fellow members. Welcome, and I hope you find it beneficial to be here and to read and post. :cake: 

I take it for what its worth.  I am already getting support, and understanding that I am not alone.  I'm glad I found this site, and that you all have responded.  Thank you.

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JMS
18 hours ago, Serran said:

Welcome. It can be difficult to navigate, especially after figuring out things years into marriage. Hopefully it helps being here. :cake:

Thanks, Serran, and yes, it helps to see that there are others who have faced...are facing...this.  

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JMS
On 6/13/2019 at 8:53 PM, uhtred said:

In  the 1980s  when I was 18 I met a girl and fell in love. The term asexual wasn't known back then, but I did know that I desired her sexually but she did not desire me.  I felt guilty for my desire. I felt like love should triumph over all, and that I should rise above my base nature.    We are still married, and I still love her.  

 

But - scarcely a day has gone by in the last almost 40 years that I have not felt some resentment that I have never had the sort of sex life that would have made me happy.  I have everything I ever wanted in life - but there is that one hole that nothing can fill.   There are brief times when she does become interested in sex for a few weeks or a month, and I remember what it is to be happy.   It is made worse by knowing that she loves me and wants to make me happy. 

 

Don't be me.   You and she are not compatible. There is not fault / blame. Neither of you is a bad person.  But you won't be happy together. 

I unfortunately have to agree.  

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alibali

I understand that it is difficult not to be bitter and resentful, but we are all individuals. Even asexuals. I "released" my sexual because he wasn't happy with the lack of sex and it made the marriage unhappy. He didn't want to be "released".

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cupid69
18 hours ago, JMS said:

I unfortunately have to agree.  

I agree too. About 40 years for me. Lady I love but never to be physically entwined.😢

Looking for a partner with the full ingredients is not an easy task is it?

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JMS
54 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I agree too. About 40 years for me. Lady I love but never to be physically entwined.😢

Looking for a partner with the full ingredients is not an easy task is it?

About the same for me.  As my life as slowed down a bit, its becoming a bit more difficult to deal with.  I used to travel extensively and work hard...but now that I don't and I am home more....its more difficult. 

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JMS
2 hours ago, alibali said:

I understand that it is difficult not to be bitter and resentful, but we are all individuals. Even asexuals. I "released" my sexual because he wasn't happy with the lack of sex and it made the marriage unhappy. He didn't want to be "released".

I don't blame her, but must confess there has been bitterness and resent,  BUT, she is who she is and has lots of amazing qualities.  What I now face are my choices...not easy choices, but mine alone.  

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Traveler40
23 minutes ago, JMS said:

What I now face are my choices...not easy choices, but mine alone.  

Not quite sure what this means given @alibali’s point. They released their sexual, unhappy partner: meaning the decision can go either way perhaps. 

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JMS
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

I agree too. About 40 years for me. Lady I love but never to be physically entwined.😢

Looking for a partner with the full ingredients is not an easy task is it?

40 years for me too.

 

I suppose not.  But for so long I blamed myself or avoided it altogether.  Now, I have somewhere to turn, I hope. 

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JMS
1 minute ago, Traveler40 said:

Not quite sure what this means given @alibali’s point. They released their sexual, unhappy partner: meaning the decision can go either way perhaps. 

Sorry, just responding more inside my head than anything else.  My point was that I don't blame her for her orientation (is that the right word?).  Whether or not I choose to ask to be released or what I do about it is my choice alone. 

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