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Apostle
On 7/1/2019 at 3:56 PM, CBC said:

 

x

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CBC

I will agree there, yes.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Not sure where to put this, but over the past few weeks I've definitely noticed my partner looking at me differently.  His looks seem more direct, affectionate, and sincere.  Tonight after we had sex he was doing it again so I grabbed him and declared in a boysterous voice "my god.  Have I done the impossible?  Have I made you fall in love with someone?" to which he immediately made this noise he makes when he hears an untruth but also doesn't want to say anything in fear of hurting someone's feelings.  I immediately grab him and laugh and in the same boysterous tone state "My god.  Have I done the impossible?  Have I made you fall in heavy like with someone?" and he laughed and said "yeah, that's more accurate.  And that's pretty good considering how much I hate people.".   Thus solidifying my thought that he's aromantic.  I mean, I'll take it.  Whatever it is, it feels pretty great.

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CBC

Hrmm. Whatever gets a positive reaction! I'm glad you're feeling good about it. :) 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
1 hour ago, CBC said:

Hrmm. Whatever gets a positive reaction! I'm glad you're feeling good about it. :) 

For sure!  I suppose a reaction like that out of just about anyone else would have been upsetting to me but for some reason with him it's endearing and just so him and I was able to course correct instantly which I believe shows how fluid things have become.  Anyways, Something has definitely changed in him.  

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Asexual_Fujoshi
On 9/13/2010 at 5:23 AM, Waterbottle20 said:

I came here because I'm romantically hetero but sexually homo. cant be romantic with guys but cant have sex with girls, I felt screwed in terms of having a sexual relationship so I came here to find out the different kinds of relationships people can have that aren't a standard sexual relationship, and to see if they're successful.

So far I've seen a mixed bag.

I know it's over nine years but I'm curious, did you ever find a way to make that work out ? (I'm just asking because that sounds rare)

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CBC

@Ace_Fujoshi_Passingby That member hasn't been here since 2014 and hasn't posted since 2011; you're unlikely to get a reply.

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Uncle D

I'm still a newbie, also you guys should go elsewhere to argue.....you scaring me away....if you are scaring me away, you probably have already scared who knows how many away.....but then again I am just a scaredy cat......lol

I'm a senior sexual btw.....and I come here for support being married to a still in the closet ace/aro, that I  love dearly......and the cake is certainly a wow!.....even though it's not real, I am still gaining weight.....lol

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Asexual_Fujoshi

@CBC I really doubt they would reply anyways, but thanks 

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Jenniehurting

Some support please! I just found out that my husband of 8 months (30 years old) is asexual. Of course we have had many arguments about what we thought were just mismatched libidos. I am highly sexual and due to past traumas sex is validation for me. Without it I feel empty. I am truly devastated. I love my husband so much, but I don't k ow if our relationship is possible. To make matters worse, if I leave him he will have to go back to Mexico since I am sponsoring his green card. He is a software engineer and is very intelligent ( a turn on for me), he is handsome, he is my best friend. How do I lose him? How do I stay realizing I will never truly be physically desired? I don't know all of the ace terminology. but from what I gather he is a sex neutral demisexual...possibly aromantic..??? He doesn't crave sex. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate. He never learned to flirt and doesn't behave sexually toward me. He was fairly inexperienced when we met...only 2 other partners in which he had ED and PE symptom (not positive sexual experiences). We had A lot of sex...kinky sex. We would try something once and get would never initiate it again. He told me he was exploring his sexuality...I feel lied to and used. He said he REALLY loves me, but has no concept of being "in love" or the difference.  He is "willing" to have sex maybe once a week, but I can't help, but feel like it is a pity fuck. I feel so unwanted. Advice....please.

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uhtred
16 hours ago, Jenniehurting said:

Some support please! I just found out that my husband of 8 months (30 years old) is asexual. Of course we have had many arguments about what we thought were just mismatched libidos. I am highly sexual and due to past traumas sex is validation for me. Without it I feel empty. I am truly devastated. I love my husband so much, but I don't k ow if our relationship is possible. To make matters worse, if I leave him he will have to go back to Mexico since I am sponsoring his green card. He is a software engineer and is very intelligent ( a turn on for me), he is handsome, he is my best friend. How do I lose him? How do I stay realizing I will never truly be physically desired? I don't know all of the ace terminology. but from what I gather he is a sex neutral demisexual...possibly aromantic..??? He doesn't crave sex. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate. He never learned to flirt and doesn't behave sexually toward me. He was fairly inexperienced when we met...only 2 other partners in which he had ED and PE symptom (not positive sexual experiences). We had A lot of sex...kinky sex. We would try something once and get would never initiate it again. He told me he was exploring his sexuality...I feel lied to and used. He said he REALLY loves me, but has no concept of being "in love" or the difference.  He is "willing" to have sex maybe once a week, but I can't help, but feel like it is a pity fuck. I feel so unwanted. Advice....please.

I'm sorry you are in this situation -you will find many people here who can sympathize and at least provide input.  Every situation is different so there is no one-size-fits-all answer, so listen to what people say - but make your own decisions.   Feel free to PM people for separate discussions if you prefer.  

 

Not being sexually desired by your partner can be extremely painful.   It doesn't get better - ever.  (I've been married to a nearly asexual woman for over 30 years now).  From that perspective, my thoughts:

 

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be desired, wanting passionate sex.  Many people cannot be happy in a relationship without a good sex life. Without sex and desire the relationship feels like play-acting. Or some dry stuffed corpse of a relationship, not the real thing.

 

There is also nothing wrong with him not wanting sex - but you are incompatible.  It is unlikely  you can be happy together. 

 

Since you had a lot of sex early on, intentionally or not he deceived you. He presented an image of himself that did not match reality.  I do not believe you are morally bound to spend the rest of your life with him.  The immigration issue is unfortunate, but divorce always comes with negative consequences.

 

If you leave - you can try to make it clear that its not his fault. That your are just incompatible.  He will probably be extremely unhappy.    It gets ever more difficult to leave, and eventually leaving is emotionally impossible.   If you are going to leave ever, now is better than later.  Also, if you are going to leave, DO NOT GET PREGNANT.  I cannot emphasize this enough . I know nothing about him, but there are horribly unscrupulous men who will attempt to get their wives pregnant so that they can't leave.  

 

If you stay:  I stayed - and I don't recommend it.  If you stay, give up hope.  It is very unlikely to get better, and hope will destroy you because it will constantly be dashed. Accept the one big global rejection, not the continuous little rejections.     Have pity sex if you need it - but understand that he is just doing it *for* you and will never desire you.   

 

If you stay, at some point you will have an opportunity to cheat.  It will seem so reasonable - your husband is turning you down for sex so why not?  Anger and frustration will combine to make cheating so attractive - and then YOU will feel like the bad guy.  I will not fault anyone who cheats in this sort of situation, but most people fault themselves. 

 

Clearly I'm suggesting leaving - but listen to what other say and most important, imagine yourself in 20 years.  Can you be happy as things are, or will you find yourself trapped in a marriage with someone you resent?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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SusannaC

I totally agree with all Uhtred has said.  I am sorry for this situation you are in.  Feel free to PM me as well, if you need to vent.  

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anisotrophic

I don't entirely agree with @uhtred, and I don't want to repeat what I've posted in another thread.

 

If a partner is talking to you about their asexuality then you're ahead of many cynical/pessimistic stories here: your partner has recognized you're experiencing different things, and a lot of the pain people report is due to communication problems (and it can go both ways, it really depends on the couple).

 

I fully agree that you shouldn't entangle further. And you may not work out long term, and there's no shame in that. On the other hand, you might work out well together after negotiating this difference. (I'm really happy with my own partner!)

 

It's also worth keeping in mind that "a couple times a month" is a lot more frequent than years-of-celibacy experienced by some sexual partners, and an understandable pessimism/caution may be coming from their experience.

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Traveler40

@Jenniehurting the advice above from @uhtred comes from a man that is not celibate but, in fact, has sex with his wife.  He can better speak to his own circumstances, but his advice does not come from a place of pessimism or cynicism due to forced celibacy.

 

I agree with what Uhtred says as well.  We all have different experiences and therefore different advice.  As I said in another thread, you’ll need to figure out what you need, what you can live with and what your deal breakers are. Spend time extrapolating out into the future, then craft the best life you can around that vision.

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anisotrophic

@uhtred has also reported, if I recall correctly, difficulty in communication.

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uhtred
4 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

@uhtred has also reported, if I recall correctly, difficulty in communication.

There is indeed difficult in communicating. 

 

I think what matters most is the extent of the mismatch, not the absolute numbers. Its not about what is "right" or "normal" but about whether there is a level of sexual activity that allows both people to be happy.  I think only the OP can really know if that is possible in their case.   

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Arche
On 9/21/2019 at 2:14 PM, Jenniehurting said:

Some support please! I just found out that my husband of 8 months (30 years old) is asexual. Of course we have had many arguments about what we thought were just mismatched libidos. I am highly sexual and due to past traumas sex is validation for me. Without it I feel empty. I am truly devastated. I love my husband so much, but I don't k ow if our relationship is possible. To make matters worse, if I leave him he will have to go back to Mexico since I am sponsoring his green card. He is a software engineer and is very intelligent ( a turn on for me), he is handsome, he is my best friend. How do I lose him? How do I stay realizing I will never truly be physically desired? I don't know all of the ace terminology. but from what I gather he is a sex neutral demisexual...possibly aromantic..??? He doesn't crave sex. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate. He never learned to flirt and doesn't behave sexually toward me. He was fairly inexperienced when we met...only 2 other partners in which he had ED and PE symptom (not positive sexual experiences). We had A lot of sex...kinky sex. We would try something once and get would never initiate it again. He told me he was exploring his sexuality...I feel lied to and used. He said he REALLY loves me, but has no concept of being "in love" or the difference.  He is "willing" to have sex maybe once a week, but I can't help, but feel like it is a pity fuck. I feel so unwanted. Advice....please.

I feel your pain I'm the same situation, in a relationship and already 6 years has passed, its very hard to deal with this and it gets worse over the time and he doesn't admit to be assexual... i'm very tired and I have tried everything to solve my "problem" with him and only about less than 2 years I realised he probably is grey assexual. If at least you and him are aware is a good start, but get prepared because along the time it will be weeks or months without sex...

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Apostle
On 10/2/2019 at 1:08 AM, Arche said:

I feel your pain I'm the same situation, in a relationship and already 6 years has passed, its very hard to deal with this and it gets worse over the time and he doesn't admit to be assexual... i'm very tired and I have tried everything to solve my "problem" with him and only about less than 2 years I realised he probably is grey assexual. If at least you and him are aware is a good start, but get prepared because along the time it will be weeks or months without sex...

We fellow sexuals know how you feel. The pain will never go away, trust me. I stayed with my wife because I love her and our children BUT the pain of not fulfilling the WHOLE experience will always live with me until I die.

It's MY compromise to holding our relationship together. We were together for 10 years before the tap was switched off.

 

If you are strong enough and have at least 50% of good things going for continuing the relationship then go ahead. Anything less then head for the hills is my advice.

 

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S Tiger

Hi all, 

 

New here, and new to the whole asexual/sexual thing!

My wife and I have been struggling sexually for some years now - turns out with good reason! Slowly moving from just seeming like we had different drives to her now being reluctant to kiss or touch generally even outside of the sexual.

Luckily we've always been very honest with each other and fundamentally want to save the marriage if we can - we have two children and are ultimately still in love.

Any after some research about Ace I talked to her about whether she thought she might be asexual. Everything just slotted into place and for her (and me) so much of her life made sense, and the relief she has felt on coming out (to me at least) has been massive! It is excellent to start seeing her be comfortable with herself and who she is. 

Fundamentally our problems are still there but it's a huge help to know there's a community like this one and I imagine AVEN is going to play a huge part in our future. 

 

Right now we're taking one day at a time but the issue now becomes - is the lack of intimacy too much for me? Neither of us wants to end up with me resenting her because I'm unfulfilled in that way. 

Just reaching out trying to find people in similar positions and learn as much as I can. I'd welcome any messages (direct or just in response here) from anyone who has any advice on a successful mixed marriage. My wife has suggested that we could open the marriage but I don't know how/if I'd cope with that (or how I could go about it!) - has anyone gone that route?

 

Thanks very much for existing!!!

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Apostle
13 hours ago, S Tiger said:

Hi all, 

 

New here, and new to the whole asexual/sexual thing!

My wife and I have been struggling sexually for some years now - turns out with good reason! Slowly moving from just seeming like we had different drives to her now being reluctant to kiss or touch generally even outside of the sexual.

Luckily we've always been very honest with each other and fundamentally want to save the marriage if we can - we have two children and are ultimately still in love.

Any after some research about Ace I talked to her about whether she thought she might be asexual. Everything just slotted into place and for her (and me) so much of her life made sense, and the relief she has felt on coming out (to me at least) has been massive! It is excellent to start seeing her be comfortable with herself and who she is. 

Fundamentally our problems are still there but it's a huge help to know there's a community like this one and I imagine AVEN is going to play a huge part in our future. 

 

Right now we're taking one day at a time but the issue now becomes - is the lack of intimacy too much for me? Neither of us wants to end up with me resenting her because I'm unfulfilled in that way. 

Just reaching out trying to find people in similar positions and learn as much as I can. I'd welcome any messages (direct or just in response here) from anyone who has any advice on a successful mixed marriage. My wife has suggested that we could open the marriage but I don't know how/if I'd cope with that (or how I could go about it!) - has anyone gone that route?

 

Thanks very much for existing!!!

I'm in the same position as you are so good luck with your future is really all I can say. There are few heterosexual males on this website in your situation and whatever you do  don't look for advice from asexuals as this can be misleading in your situation.

If you wish to continue with your relationship then look at what I have posted to Arche. It will be a difficult time for you for the rest of your life I can assure you and you have to be a strong person to survive your relationship. Concentrate on your children and bring them up in a balanced way and channel your energy into a hobby or other pastime. When I found out about my SO I also had young children and all my energy went into bringing them up. There was no advice for me in those days and it was doubly difficult to get any information as I just thought she had a low libido.

Do not in any circumstances look elsewhere for sex is my advice because as soon as you do then the trust that you and your SO have in your marriage will disappear. 

The good news is that you are talking about your differences. My wife doesn't want to.

As far as your SO not touching or cuddling, well, the same for me too. It's very disappointing but as you are probably aware, the closeness to a partner for a sexual can lead to sex and that is probably not what your SO wants, hence the reluctance to touch. 

 

Remember one thing and that is that it is YOU who are making the compromise in your relationship but she may have to make one elsewhere.

 

I've now been an enforced celibate for nearly 25 years and thank goodness for the internet!

 

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SusannaC

I think I disagree with Apostle on the idea of sex outside of your current relationship.  That absence of sex over the years will probably guarantee your grief and sense of loss.  For me this is what happened.  I felt as though my life was without hope and missing a very essential part of living.  This realization came over time and set in really hard when my kids became involved in their own lives- there was a huge void because I had no outlet for my time and energies anymore.  Looking at life- reflecting on the past- I was saddened by what I saw.  

Try to have fewer regrets.  Consider and talk about all your options with your wife.   There should be no shame in your needs and no resentment of hers.  If you want the dimension of a sexual relationship, explore the option with as much knowledge of all the issues.  Gain knowledge by reading and talking to others who have done this.  Then make your decisions after you reflect on these ideas.  Best wishes.

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Traveler40
3 hours ago, Apostle said:

Do not in any circumstances look elsewhere for sex is my advice because as soon as you do then the trust that you and your SO have in your marriage will disappear. 

I completely disagree with this having been there. Clearly, it depends on the parties involved, as well as the approach taken. In my case, we jointly agreed to allow me to open our marriage - it’s been the right decision and a viable compromise. We do not have any trust issues whatsoever.  
 

To each his own, but enforced celibacy had run its course for me at year 8.  Yeah, I’d never go back to that neglect. Life is a one shot deal, make it great!

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Pheedre
On 9/21/2019 at 9:14 AM, Jenniehurting said:

He is "willing" to have sex maybe once a week, but I can't help, but feel like it is a pity fuck. I feel so unwanted. Advice....please.

See, and this, as an asexual is where I wonder if compromise in my situation will ever work. I've read threads where mixed orientation couples make it work, but I just don't see how if this is always in the back of the sexual's mind, and rightly so. 

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Ours
38 minutes ago, Pheedre said:

See, and this, as an asexual is where I wonder if compromise in my situation will ever work. I've read threads where mixed orientation couples make it work, but I just don't see how if this is always in the back of the sexual's mind, and rightly so. 

I feel that way about the sex, so for now he gives me time when I need for private time and I’m learning not to be embarrassed and he don’t tease me about it. 

 

the cuddling, filling my car, pet names and always put us (son and I) first helps. It doesn’t fix it but really nothing will. He gives what he can and cries with me helps. I ask why he is with me and he tells me it’s love. So that helps.

 

It was a hard pill and it hurt like hell when it went down but we were already living a mixed relationship we just didn’t have a word.

 

His therapist is helping him accept himself and helping him find more ways to show love.

my therapist is helping me see love in places I didn’t before.

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Pheedre
4 minutes ago, Ours said:

I feel that way about the sex, so for now he gives me time when I need for private time and I’m learning not to be embarrassed and he don’t tease me about it. 

 

the cuddling, filling my car, pet names and always put us (son and I) first helps. It doesn’t fix it but really nothing will. He gives what he can and cries with me helps. I ask why he is with me and he tells me it’s love. So that helps.

 

It was a hard pill and it hurt like hell when it went down but we were already living a mixed relationship we just didn’t have a word.

 

His therapist is helping him accept himself and helping him find more ways to show love.

my therapist is helping me see love in places I didn’t before.

Yes, I'm seeing a therapist too and they are trying to help me as I've just recently decided I am definitely ace. I realize there are other ways to make the relationship work, and I totally believe in them because I obviously dont see how sex is the be all and end all to a relationship, all I'm saying is I think for most sexuals, the lack of sex would always be an issue, and if "some sex" were the compromise, I dont see how the sexual wouldn't always think of it as a pity fuck, unless the ace is a really good actor 😂 Sorry, just feeling very pessimistic about the whole, making it work thing, and I dont know how one even compromises if they are sex repulsed like myself 😪

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anisotrophic
22 minutes ago, Ours said:

I feel that way about the sex, so for now he gives me time when I need for private time and I’m learning not to be embarrassed and he don’t tease me about it. 

that's so key, not being made to feel ashamed for your own sexuality. and the stuff about learning to find love in other things, cries with you, cuddling – it sounds really familiar, and I remember it took me many months to feel better again. but eventually, got there, and got there together. hopefully you can too.

 

regarding pity sex... the good version of 'pity' is experiencing it as a gift. that's easier said than done, I know. the asymmetry can feel crushing. (at least, that's my memory. lately my own sexuality is a bust, maybe transient.)

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Apostle

Personally it's an insult to any sexual to even go down the route of pity sex. I for one wouldn't dream of it because it's akin to accepting sex for a non genuine reason so it may as well be sex from a prostitute without any payment. The only payment is a persistent nagging doubt in the back of your mind that your partner is only doing it for you because of blind love or to keep the partnership together for other reasons, like financial or family.

 

Sure, some couples find a way to make it work, like Traveller 40 but the rest and probably the most of us can't or won't go down that route and both partners suffer for it.

 

If you have no young children the best solution is to split. Mixed sexual/asexual relationships will always be a big problem and for the sexual, the loss of a part of their soul is forever at the forefront and a loss of their identity.

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Apostle

@Keith James.

 

Won't solve anything if you remain angry. That is who she is and there's nothing you can do about it.

I've been an enforced celibate for 25 years with a wife who is asexual.

At least your wife has said she is asexual, unlike mine who doesn't want to talk to me about it!

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SusannaC

@Apostle, if your kids are mostly grown and you aren’t on your deathbed, why not try telling your wife you’d like to seek another sexual dimension to your Life?  Maybe not leave her but look elsewhere for what you obviously miss? Are you morally opposed to this concept?  We all get ONE chance at this life, so why not live to it’s fullest today?  Will your wife really care at this point and if she does, why?   You’ve been celibate for 25 years..... set yourself free. 

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Apostle
1 hour ago, SusannaC said:

@Apostle, if your kids are mostly grown and you aren’t on your deathbed, why not try telling your wife you’d like to seek another sexual dimension to your Life?  Maybe not leave her but look elsewhere for what you obviously miss? Are you morally opposed to this concept?  We all get ONE chance at this life, so why not live to it’s fullest today?  Will your wife really care at this point and if she does, why?   You’ve been celibate for 25 years..... set yourself free. 

You're making me think now......

 

You are of course absolutely right, we only have one life, as far as I know. It's the morals of how I was brought up that's holding me back. That and the grass is always greener on the other side. What if I fall in love with someone else? I'm not sure, at my age, if I could handle the consequences of my selfish action. That and my conscience.

 

Dilemma indeed for me!

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