Fellow Sexuals

[mattys]

Thanks for the book suggestion and it's on Libby! Going to start that tomorrow. We're a new relationship 3 months in and she just told me she was ACE. The beginning she said she had a low libido and we were averaging sex 2-3 times a month so I was okay. However, she dropped that she's never felt sexual attraction to anyone and that just blew my mind. I want to absorb everything I can to make the relationship work especially this new in. She's unable to orgasm but still likes to have sex for fun and limited pleasure it provides. I was so confused when she told me she was ACE because she's into threesomes, brat, and light bondage. I'm learning how I had things all wrong. Lot's to learn!

[mattys]

Okay so I got through that book and it was insightful.

 

What I was really worried about being in a new relationship for the first time with a biromantic asexual was the difference between friend and partner. Without the sexual attraction my primitive allo (ello?) mind was afraid that my partner might be more prone to leave over time for a friend. I guess I was having a problem feeling like I was uniquely special to her if she didn't find me attractive in the traditional sense. Doesn't make sense I know.

 

She said this morning after asking if she feels a connection after sex or if that was a small reason for wanting to go through it, that it was mostly for her partner and that she wants them to enjoy and explore her body. 

 

I was relieved to hear that she was okay with sex occasionally as I admit I'm selfishly not wanting to give that up. My last relationship was sexless the last almost 4 years and I was miserable and felt our relationship decayed without that connection. It's weird hearing throughout the book and various asexual references how unimportant sex is to a relationship when that's what the mainstream and their relationship coaches and sex therapists seem to suggest is important. It's hard to tell where the scientific evidence lies without each side's bias skewing the results or what research is more valid.

 

My end goal is to keep a close, intimate, loving relationship. I want a family with this girl one day and she returns the same sentiment. I need to be able to understand and meet her halfway as well as making sure my needs are halfway met as well. Equal partnership is important to me.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, mattys said:

My last relationship was sexless the last almost 4 years and I was miserable and felt our relationship decayed without that connection.

You were in one sexless relationship and then your next relationship is with an asexual? 
 

2 hours ago, mattys said:

I need to be able to understand and meet her halfway as well as making sure my needs are halfway met as well. Equal partnership is important to me.

I’m not sure this is a good expectation to have. How long have you been together? 
 

It probably would be better to assume that overtime as your connection grows and your lives more intertwined, the sex dissipates, and perhaps goes away completely. 
 

Whete your relationship is different than many of ours is that you know what you’re getting into, and choosing to accept her for who she presently presents herself to be. 
 

She is having sex with you presently, but she is presenting herself as Ace. Being with her is accepting a relationship with someone who may have no need, or desire to have sex. 
 

There’s a lot of activities my wife and I each did when we met that we do not do now. I used to rock climb a bunch. It was a fun activity at the time, but I lost interest along the way. I never had a ‘need’ to do it. Sex for her is an activity she does not presently mind doing (for you).
 

 

[mattys]

4 hours ago, HiddenKS said:

You were in one sexless relationship and then your next relationship is with an asexual? 
 

I’m not sure this is a good expectation to have. How long have you been together? 
 

It probably would be better to assume that overtime as your connection grows and your lives more intertwined, the sex dissipates, and perhaps goes away completely. 
 

Whete your relationship is different than many of ours is that you know what you’re getting into, and choosing to accept her for who she presently presents herself to be. 
 

She is having sex with you presently, but she is presenting herself as Ace. Being with her is accepting a relationship with someone who may have no need, or desire to have sex. 
 

There’s a lot of activities my wife and I each did when we met that we do not do now. I used to rock climb a bunch. It was a fun activity at the time, but I lost interest along the way. I never had a ‘need’ to do it. Sex for her is an activity she does not presently mind doing (for you).
 

 

To be fair I was just told 2 days ago she was ACE and had no experience with ACE before. We have been dating 3 months now and I'm in love with her. I couldn't help that. She's amazing. I also understand that alot of marriages in the allo world stop having sex. Alot of sex stops after children, health issues, menopause, low testosterone ect. I'm under no delusions that we will have sex from now to even our 40s. I'm just enjoying the sex we have atm where she's okay doing it without being pressured by me. She def doesn't need to have sex, I do know this for sure.

[Ceebs]

7 hours ago, mattys said:

Without the sexual attraction my primitive allo (ello?) mind was afraid that my partner might be more prone to leave over time for a friend.

From one sexual person to another, and as someone who's been here many years and seen some asexuals (to be very clear, not all) characterise sexual desire as a silly, shallow, animalistic urge that people could just ignore if they wanted to (often in the context of 'If you truly loved your asexual partner and you knew they loved you too, that would be enough and sex wouldn't matter'), I'll offer the friendly advice that perhaps you could avoid referring to your brain as 'primitive' when it comes to how you feel about sex in a relationship. I've been involved in enough convos here over the years trying to explain how it's a meaningful form of intimacy to sexual folks and shouldn't be easily dismissed. Of course 'primitive' doesn't have to be a negative thing... many human instincts are indeed primitive in that they're part of our fundamental way of operating... but I've certainly seen things misconstrued here at times, sometimes with the insinuation that asexuals have evolved beyond that particular need and desire. Which is a pretty problematic way to view the differences between sexuals and asexuals.

 

Other than that... agree with everything @HiddenKS said.

 

As for married couples not having sex eventually... yeah, it happens, but for many it doesn't. From what you've said it seems you're still relatively young, so choose wisely in terms of what you hope your ideal future might be in terms of sexual fulfilment.

[mattys]

Thank you for that. The stuff I was reading pretty much was telling me to give up sex altogether. I may still have to and I'll embrace it once that finally comes. I just hope it's not soon lol

[Sally]

4 hours ago, mattys said:

I also understand that alot of marriages in the allo world stop having sex. Alot of sex stops after children, health issues, menopause, low testosterone ect. I'm under no delusions that we will have sex from now to even our 40s. 

Most sexuals really don't stop having sex.  Menopause doesn't usually hit until the 50s, children don't prevent people having sex, low testosterone can be medicated, and most people don't have health issues that prevent having sex.  

 

But expecting that an asexual and a sexual can "meet halfway" really isn't reasonable.  I'm speaking as an asexual who had sex with my husband and then my partner, and eventually it got to be just too much.  It doesn't get any easier -- try to think ahead some years from now to when she may very well not be at all interested in sex, even with someone she loves.  

 

You have only been together 3 months.  Trying to hold together a relationship that is just starting out when it is incompatible as far as something that's important to most sexuals is pretty much asking for mutual sorry the longer you try to stay together.  

[Traveler40]

27 minutes ago, mattys said:

Thank you for that. The stuff I was reading pretty much was telling me to give up sex altogether. I may still have to and I'll embrace it once that finally comes. I just hope it's not soon lol

🤦🏻‍♀️ 
 

Best of luck! 

[anisotrophic]

5 hours ago, mattys said:

Alot of sex stops after children, health issues, menopause, low testosterone ect. I'm under no delusions that we will have sex from now to even our 40s.

goddamnit why did I think a testosterone fueled second puberty in my 40s was a good idea if I’m too old to have sex 😂

 

and ok yeah sure six or whatever weeks after childbirth it was annoying as regions need healing. bjs are still possible… my “I never think about sex, but if you insist” husband was confused as to why I was trying to get him to do stuff given my limitations at the time… sexual people are so weiiiird right. (hah, and that was female me, already plenty sexual.)

 

you have some odd ideas about people not having sex.

[RileyA]

44 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

you have some odd ideas about people not having sex.

People do say that you're not going to be able to have sex forever, so you should be okay with it going in your 40s. I'm pretty sure there was a user here who used to say exactly this.

[Sally]

54 minutes ago, RileyA said:

People do say that you're not going to be able to have sex forever, so you should be okay with it going in your 40s. I'm pretty sure there was a user here who used to say exactly this.

There probably was, since there have been many thousands of users on AVEN over almost 20 years.

 

But that doesn't really mean anything, does it, because what "people" say is most often BS.    

[ryn2]

It’s certainly true that people - some more than others, due to health issues and injury - may have to adjust how and when they have sex, what they consider sex, etc., but that’s not the same as no longer wanting to engage with others sexually.  In a relationship where all parties want to have sex, most people of all ages find some way to accommodate that.

[Guest]

18 hours ago, mattys said:

I also understand that alot of marriages in the allo world stop having sex.

Unless both parties have a similar drop in libido, these marriage aren’t usually considered healthy. Pretty much every post in this forum is people attempting to deal with this issue. All of the non-aces that have responded to you I believe are in their 40s, and either have or are working to ensure they have a healthy an active sex life. Personally, I’m having more than I ever did and the prior years addressing the lack of was the cause of virtually all of our marital issues. 
 

Rarely can you look far into the future of a relationship to pre-anticipate problems that will/could develop. Sexual incompatibility is one of the few things you can probably look at the present, even when you’re young and consider the longterm issues. 
 

Yet, you’re young. All of us wish our younger selves could know what we know now, but unfortunately when most of us were younger, it’s not like we’d listen either. Such is life.

[Ceebs]

2 hours ago, HiddenKS said:

Sexual incompatibility is one of the few things you can probably look at the present, even when you’re young and consider the longterm issues. 

Yeah. I've seen many relatively young partners of asexuals on here, frequently in the early stages of the relationship, talking about how they just love their partner so much that even though they're having very little or no sex, it's okay(ish), it's worth it. Young love can be pretty idealistic. When you're 17 or 25 or whatever, you're not really thinking what it might be like to be 53 and married for several decades and struggling with the fact that your partner hasn't ever expressed love in one of the ways you need it to be expressed in order to feel connected and valued and fulfilled in your relationship. It can be hard to look that far ahead sometimes. I met my ex-husband at 23, we married when I was 26, and I can say with 100% certainty that I had no bloody clue what I really needed from a relationship. Given all the hangups and discomfort I had with my own sexuality at that age, it almost seemed ideal I think... I was never going to be pressured for sex, never going to feel objectified, never going to have to worry if I was providing someone with enough sex, etc. Except instead of the situation making me feel free of those things, it made me even more fucked up about  sex, more ashamed, more uncomfortable, and also very bitter at times. That wasn't his fault; it wasn't mine, either. It was just the inevitable result of a mismatch. So I caution young, new-relationship sexuals and asexuals alike in terms of what the future might look like. Some things you just can't predict, and that's especially true if you're uncertain of your own needs, but if there's a known major incompatibility right from the start... be careful. It's incredibly unlikely to get better and will probably get worse.

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

Young love can be pretty idealistic.

Derail 😬

 

So I’m back and busy and Hulu TV has been in the background. This includes Bachelor in Paradise. (You read that correctly 🤣🙄)

 

Cliff Notes:

- Young budding love.

- Producers separate the connecting men/women

- Producers bring in new love interests for each

- Men mostly explore new options - not all

- Women mainly hold out for what they had - except one 

- LOTS and LOTS and LOTS OF CRYING…

 

The point - Young love is basically ignorant of so much and the process is excruciating to watch. Young folks should be in max exploration mode and not stop when it’s not right on fundamentals. I’ve said many times that you can’t gift perspective. Sigh  

 

What derailment is this? Haha no idea.
 

I suppose I was thinking many young lovers freak out when they shouldn’t and don’t when they should. If you’re not getting your basic needs met, it’s not one to hunker down on. 😬

 

My lover is what I’d only ever read about connection wise. It exists. I happened to be married and in my 40’s when he walked into my life.
 

No, you can’t put your life on hold, but you can control some things. Look for a better match, especially when it’s a few weeks in and you know it’s not a great fit on major issues.

 

The End. I’m so busy, how do I even stop for this on AVEN? 🙄🤣 Carry on!

 

EDIT: 🤔. Maybe folks routinely sell themselves short as a matter of practice? 

[Traveler40]

New post versus an 8 page edit. 🤣
 

Oh, and I’m no better. I married a man I knew had issues in the bedroom. I’d like to think had I known about asexuality then the way I know about it today I would have made other choices. The posts here indicate maybe not. 😬
 

Yet,  in my “Choose Your Own Adventure” book, we wouldn’t have had the kids had I opted for an alternate path. Maybe I would have never found my lover. *gasp* So, it is what it is.
 

Best visual of the last few days: All of us out to  dinner and my husband and lover sitting side-by-side across the dinner table. It’s a beautiful thing how far we’ve come. ♥️ 

[Ceebs]

27 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Derail 😬

Ohh, go on then. I have that effect on people...

 

27 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

So I’m back and busy and Hulu TV has been in the background. This includes Bachelor in Paradise. (You read that correctly 🤣🙄)

I have no idea how my brain did what it did, but I skimmed that so fast at first that I thought I read that you were watching something called 'The Hussy' and I was like, I WANT TO SEE THAT.

 

Ahem.

 

Moving along...

 

27 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

My lover is what I’d only ever read about connection wise. It exists. 

Yeah, know the feeling. It does exist, although after a while I'd started to assume it didn't.

[Ceebs]

Hey if you get bored of Bachelor in Paradise, @Traveler40, give Naked Attraction a go.

 

From Wikipedia...

 

"Naked Attraction is a British television dating game show, broadcast on Channel 4. A clothed person is faced with six naked people who are initially hidden in booths. Their bodies and faces are gradually revealed through successive rounds, from the feet up. At each round, the chooser eliminates one naked person until only two are left, when the chooser also takes off their clothes to make the final choice. The chooser then decides which person they wish to go out with, and the two (or, occasionally, three) then go for a fully clothed date. The programme then presents their feedback after the date."

 

It's absolutely ridiculous and fairly horrible. I love it.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Yet,  in my “Choose Your Own Adventure” book, we wouldn’t have had the kids had I opted for an alternate path. Maybe I would have never found my lover. *gasp* So, it is what it is.

Yeah, we can’t change things in a vacuum.  Even seemingly small  course changes - e.g., taking a different four-week summer job while in college/uni, or going to a work conference v. staying home - mean meeting different people, learning different things about yourself, etc., and there’s really no way (I’ve found) to identify all those differences and sum them to “if I’d made this choice instead I would be happier/less happy now.”

 

I think when people try to do that they are picturing their exact same life with just the happy/unhappy relationship swapped out… but, like you said, it doesn’t actually work that way.

[Sally]

If I had known that I would never be able to want/enjoy sex, despite how hard I tried, I might have been strong enough to resist my partner's advances.  However, we had fallen in love, and that would probably have made it too difficult.  Once I realized that there was a definite sexual mismatch (as there was with my husband, who I wasn't in love with), I thought "love will overcome."  The love may continue but so does the mismatch.  I think young people count too much on the strength of love.  

[mattys]

I love this conversation! Okay so my previous relationship went on 10yrs the last 4 being sexless and the 2 prior being the creeping slowdown from 8 a month or more to twice a year. The thing was with that relationship I didn't get the other physical touch I needed which didn't help and she was allo. There were more problems and I would still of been in that relationship if it wasn't for discovery of an emotional affair with a coworker I found out about. At least going in with my current partner I'm equipped with the knowledge of what to expect and what most likely will. She also gives the physical and emotional attention lacking from the prior. It's true I'm probably firmly wearing rose-tinted glasses and It's true it'll be tough and I'm sure I'm being naive and idealistic. Alot of the comments were hung up about her metring me halfway. I'm not meaning forcing sex but just that we can work on our other forms of intimacy and love languages. It's not a 1 to 1 but it's compromise and that's worth doing. It's worth trying for me. She is her own person and no one is going to pressure her but herself and that's something I wantbto be able to have open communication about too and couples  counciling if we need it. I do welcome the warnings and cautionary tales tho. Please continue!

[mattys]

Im going to be 30 this year if ppl were curious my age. 

[Mountain House]

21 minutes ago, mattys said:

just that we can work on our other forms of intimacy and love languages.

That's easy, you ask for it.

 

22 minutes ago, mattys said:

I wantbto be able to have open communication

That's a skill you have to master. When you do you'll recognize that my "That's easy" comment makes sense.

 

23 minutes ago, mattys said:

couples  counciling if we need it.

Considered an effective way towards mastering open communication.

 

Rock on! 🤘

[mattys]

We started doing this app called paired which has been a great way of encouraging more communication. I'm reading on adhd as well (she suffers from) and how to be a better partner to her and support in whatever aspect I can and listening in on relationship podcasts as well. I'm committed to at least trying

[Mountain House]

3 minutes ago, mattys said:

We started doing this app called paired

Interesting. Let us know how that goes.

[mattys]

So far the app is helping but it's hard to keep my partner engaged and consistent in answering the daily prompts. Would still recommend

 

[Ceebs]

Tfw when even sexual couples who still want to shag each other senseless have conversations that include the sentence 'I want to initiate more often' because one of you... isn't initiating that often lol. (Wasn't me who said that btw, although I was saying that my mental interest in sex lately has been meh.)

 

Life does have a way of interfering with sexytimes. Sigh. 🙃

[Cannabiz guy]

I found this site because I recently discovered that my wife is asexual.  I am the complete opposite.  It has created 30 years of tension.  I hope recognition brings some peace. I love my asexual wife.  I wish she was sexual, but... I love her for better or worse, health and sickness.  She is my BFF and I hope this site can be my support group because it sucks.  I love her but I hate it.  It makes me feel lonely and depressed.  I hope the community here will help.  

[LostDreamer]

Sexual (addendum: very) 

I followed a Google search down the rabbit hole, hoping to save my marriage, and 3 separate resulting links brought me here. After reading through several related queries and the responses, I decided to stay awhile. I don't know for certain that my husband is asexual (he might be demi and just feel no romantic love for me anymore), but I'm hoping I can gain some perspective or find some hope. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

5 minutes ago, LostDreamer said:

Sexual (addendum: hypersexual) 

I followed a Google search down the rabbit hole, hoping to save my marriage, and 3 separate resulting links brought me here. After reading through several related queries and the responses, I decided to stay awhile. I don't know for certain that my husband is asexual (he might be demi and just feel no romantic love for me anymore), but I'm hoping I can gain some perspective or find some hope. 

I hope you can gain something, feel free to create a new thread in the section if you want more people to talk to about it