Jump to content
hiddentears

Fellow Sexuals

Recommended Posts

ryn2

I think the most you can say, if someone behaves as though they might be [any given orientation... ace, het, gay, pan, bi, etc.] but insists they are another, is that they seem as though they could be [orientation].  Even that is going to rankle people who feel strongly about their own identification, as will “they say they are [orientation A] but I think they are really [orientation B].”

 

All you can really do is decide whether or not what’s happening  (or not) in the relationship works better for you than ending it would.

 

Commiserating, being upset, having bad days... all perfectly understandable.  Generalizing a partner’s behavior, posited thought processes, and the like, to “all asexuals” or “all sexuals” - especially when you’re labeling your partner rather than letting them self-identify - isn’t going to be received as well.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
1 hour ago, uhtred said:

Some people are not open to the discussion. I know my wife is convinced that here level of interest in sex is completely typical for women. There are people who are "sex discussion adverse". 

@uhtred, to me your engagement with AVEN forums has been very different from @Apostle: you thoughtfully engage in other areas of the forum, to explore thinking around sexuality that is helpful for other people that are trying to understand their orientation. You seem more sad and regretful, rather than secretly bitter and venting your anger... In contrast, @Apostle sticks to this one thread, ignores other people's experiences, and repeatedly offers "support" to sexuals... in a way that just looks to me like a repackaging of his anger at his own spouse.

And -- most importantly, @uhtred -- I can't recall you making embittered, negative blanket statements about asexual folks as a demographic.

 

53 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Commiserating, being upset, having bad days... all perfectly understandable.  Generalizing a partner’s behavior, posited thought processes, and the like, to “all asexuals” or “all sexuals” - especially when you’re labeling your partner rather than letting them self-identify - isn’t going to be received as well.

This, exactly this. Thank you for the rephrasing! 🙏

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
chandrakirti

*snorts with derision*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I think the most you can say, if someone behaves as though they might be [any given orientation... ace, het, gay, pan, bi, etc.] but insists they are another, is that they seem as though they could be [orientation].  Even that is going to rankle people who feel strongly about their own identification, as will “they say they are [orientation A] but I think they are really [orientation B].”

 

All you can really do is decide whether or not what’s happening  (or not) in the relationship works better for you than ending it would.

 

Commiserating, being upset, having bad days... all perfectly understandable.  Generalizing a partner’s behavior, posited thought processes, and the like, to “all asexuals” or “all sexuals” - especially when you’re labeling your partner rather than letting them self-identify - isn’t going to be received as well.

Agreed. One of my friends has been married and fathered two children for over 30 years but knew he was homosexual since a teenager.  He didn't come out till a few years ago. He is still married and going away for the long weekend with his wife.

 

I haven't questioned him on his sex life and he hasn't questioned me on my asexuality. But I do believe his behaviour doesn't match his true orientation.

 

We may infer but can't assume anything.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:
4 hours ago, uhtred said:

adverse

averse

:D 

 

I'm pretty sure this word will remind me of you for the rest of my life now haha.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
40 minutes ago, CBC said:

:D 

 

I'm pretty sure this word will remind me of you for the rest of my life now haha.

Poor Tele has an adverse reaction every time he sees someone who is averse to learning the difference between the two terms substitute “adverse” for “averse” (or vice versa).

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
Just now, ryn2 said:

Poor Tele has an adverse reaction every time he sees someone who is averse to learning the difference between the two terms transpose “adverse” and “averse.”

I've had to learn to tone down my own notorious instinct to correct people... apparently they do not like it sometimes. :P 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
4 minutes ago, CBC said:

I've had to learn to tone down my own notorious instinct to correct people... apparently they do not like it sometimes. :P 

Yeah, it took me a while to realize that some people just don’t care if they’re using words wrong and thus do not find being gently notified helpful...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
Just now, ryn2 said:

Yeah, it took me a while to realize that some people just don’t care if they’re using words wrong and thus do not find being gently notified helpful...

(whereas I’m mortified to find I’ve been doing it and always want to be told as early as possible)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Yeah, it took me a while to realize that some people just don’t care if they’re using words wrong and thus do not find being gently notified helpful...

Honestly I want people to tell me if I use a word incorrectly or spell it wrong so I don't do it again. Because that's mortifying to me, haha. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
9 minutes ago, CBC said:

Honestly I want people to tell me if I use a word incorrectly or spell it wrong so I don't do it again. Because that's mortifying to me, haha. 

Same

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Why does whether they like being told matter? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why does whether they like being told matter? 

If you’re doing it as a kindness and they don’t find it kind or helpful, that defeats the purpose.  Helping the way you want to be helped instead of the way that’s needed and all that.

 

If you’re doing it as part of grading, editing, or managing someone, then it doesn’t matter.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

Generally I only bother correcting if your mistake results in a drastically different sort of statement (e.g. "I'm going to diffuse this bomb!")

 

Otherwise it's just... don't really care, I still knew what you meant, and I have bigger fish to fry.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
3 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

"I'm going to diffuse this bomb!"

That’s such a great visual!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I think there's a principle involved. When two different words are conflated to the extent that one of them effectively ceases to exist (like 'disinterest'and 'uninterest') we lose our a little of our ability to express and understand nuance to each other, and that's a bad thing. 

 

I wouldn't do it in normal conversation as it would be humiliating, but in the scale of, ahem, averse* responses online, it's pretty minor. Reddit has bots that do it, ffs.

 

*deliberate

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I mean, my first interaction with you @Telecaster68 was you correcting my spelling and I was like OPE!  OKEY DOKEY! 😂

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Not your spelling, your word use.

 

But apologies. It wasn't personal.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Oh honey, it was never personal.  ❤️

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
4 hours ago, CBC said:

:D 

 

I'm pretty sure this word will remind me of you for the rest of my life now haha.

Despite your beast intentions, I am deeply scared by your comment and it will effect me for life.  😈

 

Sadly correcting my spelling, language, or basic reasoning ability has little useful effect on me, but I don't mind people trying. 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

There are people whose errors I will point out, and there are people who will react so adversely that I just figure it's not worth being blasted in response.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
9 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why does whether they like being told matter? 

Honestly it mostly doesn't to me, and that's why I still do it often enough. However sometimes I just can't be arsed because it occurs to me that I don't care enough and/or I'm uninterested in arguing. It doesn't bother me if people take offence to it, but sometimes I don't really feel like getting bitched at for doing something I perceive as useful.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 4/16/2019 at 9:51 PM, anisotrophic said:

so? Did you talk to her about asexuality?

You don't know how many times in the past I have tried to talk to her about her asexuality do you and after a while it becomes a no go area as I know that I will get the same non response. 

And how can you say I am 'gossiping' (this term is generally used for female chat, not male chat) to her behind her back? The only way I can get any feedback is on this post. There are asexuals on this particular post that cannot hope to understand the sexual, that is what I wanted to highlight.

Note Uhtred's response. You seem to have not taken this into account, have you? You don't know how frustrating this has been for me, as a sexual with no outlet for my sexuality.

 

No matter, after 24 years of enforced celibacy I'll continue to voice my opinions on how I feel, not you.

I'm sure Telecaster and Uhtred will agree.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
25 minutes ago, Apostle said:

this term is generally used for female chat, not male chat

Huh?  It’s used - in the US, at least - for spreading information about people, especially negative information that’s speculation/is unverified.  Anyone can gossip.  It has nothing to do with gender.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali

Gossiping is talking about someone in a derogatory way behind their back. It's not gender specific although it does tend to be done by females more than males.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
17 minutes ago, alibali said:

Gossiping is talking about someone in a derogatory way behind their back. It's not gender specific although it does tend to be done by females more than males.

As someone who works with all males, I assure you this is false.  😂😂

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
50 minutes ago, ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

As someone who works with all males, I assure you this is false.  😂😂

I worked with nearly all men in my previous job and have to agree.

 

Gossip happens wherever people are bored, unhappy, and feeling a bit insecure.  None of that has anything to do with gender.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I believe there is Proper Research (TM) to back this up. Men chit chat about other people just us much as women do.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I believe there is Proper Research (TM) to back this up. Men chit chat about other people just us much as women do.

Women may be more open about it, because it’s somehow seen as more acceptable for them to engage in, but... yeah, the dudes do it too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Huh?  It’s used - in the US, at least - for spreading information about people, especially negative information that’s speculation/is unverified.  Anyone can gossip.  It has nothing to do with gender.

Not in the UK it isn't. Traditionally, the word gossip has been a term used for women talk.

The media today may have changed this to some extent.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...