Ceebs Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 Sigh. Sometimes I wish AVEN wasn't the only community I participated in to the extent that I know people here and that it feels like home. Sometimes I want to vent about stuff that has to do with being sexual, but I'm no longer in a relationship with an asexual and it's not even a relationship problem cos my relationship is great and all (including the sexual aspect), it's just an internal me thing... and I want to post in SPFA cos that's where the majority of the other sexual people are on AVEN... but again, it's nothing to do with being the partner of an asexual, so. Not much point. Man, I need a hug and a cry. At least I can sob all over Tele in less than a week. Life is tiring. 🙃 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 3 minutes ago, Ceebs said: Sigh. Sometimes I wish AVEN wasn't the only community I participated in to the extent that I know people here and that it feels like home. Sometimes I want to vent about stuff that has to do with being sexual, but I'm no longer in a relationship with an asexual and it's not even a relationship problem cos my relationship is great and all (including the sexual aspect), it's just an internal me thing... and I want to post in SPFA cos that's where the majority of the other sexual people are on AVEN... but again, it's nothing to do with being the partner of an asexual, so. Not much point. Man, I need a hug and a cry. At least I can sob all over Tele in less than a week. Life is tiring. 🙃 Uhh, hello? It's sexual P, F, and A. Not just P! I don't know if I'd be much help with a sexual matter, but *e-hugs* if you want them. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 4 minutes ago, Philip027 said: Uhh, hello? It's sexual P, F, and A. Not just P! Good point... 4 minutes ago, Philip027 said: I don't know if I'd be much help with a sexual matter, but *e-hugs* if you want them. Thanks, Phil. Very much appreciated. Tbh it's not even a sexual thing specifically so much as a self-worth thing that ends up tying into sex. A lot of other life things too, but also sex. How do you convince yourself you're desirable when your brain says you're not even though your partner reassures you over and over that you are, and that you're not desired because you're perfect, but because you're loved for who you are? I can't seem to get that through my head. I don't even mean 'perfect' in some sort of stereotypical way... I'm not talking about perfectly perky tits or an idealised body shape or anything. I don't care about that stuff and I know Tele doesn't either. It's other shit like every day now for nearly a week I've been getting bad episodes of vertigo and I'm pretty certain it's tied into a digestive issue flare-up and there is just nothing sexy about 'I'm going to lie in bed and cry from frustration until it passes'. And I have the most lovely human who says he'll lie in bed with me and hold me and look after me and all that stuff, and that that's all that matters, but I'm so fucking tired of my shitty ass body. I'm trying to drink less alcohol cos I still have a problem with doing that a bit too much after I began using it to cope with my last relationship... which ended over two years ago now, ffs... but I'm currently drinking every day in the evening cos it 'covers up' the vertigo feeling with being inebriated. Smart idea, Ceebs. Oh looks like I vented after all. 🙃 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightStar Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 32 minutes ago, Ceebs said: Sigh. Sometimes I wish AVEN wasn't the only community I participated in to the extent that I know people here and that it feels like home. Sometimes I want to vent about stuff that has to do with being sexual, but I'm no longer in a relationship with an asexual and it's not even a relationship problem cos my relationship is great and all (including the sexual aspect), it's just an internal me thing... and I want to post in SPFA cos that's where the majority of the other sexual people are on AVEN... but again, it's nothing to do with being the partner of an asexual, so. Not much point. Man, I need a hug and a cry. At least I can sob all over Tele in less than a week. Life is tiring. 🙃 Firstly, I would just post what you want to say. 😊I come here so often because I just like reading interesting stuff, not just asexual things. Secondly, Have you met any friends on here you click with particularly and can just chit chat like pen pals about life? I email back and forth with a lady I met on here who I’ve become friends with. We mostly talk about our cats, her job, my kids, gardening… rarely asexual stuff. That’s such a small, slightly sore spot of my identity, I don’t like to hyper focus on it when there’s so much more to me 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 4 minutes ago, MidnightStar said: Secondly, Have you met any friends on here you click with particularly and can just chit chat like pen pals about life? Yeah that's the thing... I've been around AVEN so long that there are people on here I've chatted to, one I text veryyyy regularly... hell, this is where @Telecaster68 and I met. He used to be a friend I'd vent to, now he's my partner (and also still a friend, of course) that I vent to. 🙃 I think I'm tired of feeling like I'm 'making' people listen to me? It's a low self-worth thing. I also worry about making people feel like they have to fix something. My family didn't do a lot of just... talking and sharing feelings for emotional support when I was growing up. We still don't. My first ex is a fix-it sorta person too, although at least more emotionally aware than my family. It feels ok to just ask for listening and emotional support with my partner (and he's wonderful at it), but with anyone else it feels like a massive imposition. I think that's what I like about AVEN lol. You can just get stuff out in a public place and people can reply or not as they see fit. 🤷🏼♀️ And thanks for the kind words. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 @ceebs vent away. Your frustration makes perfect sense given feeling perfectly crappy. I’m sorry to hear it.😕 Focus on being held in less than a week! You have a winner with Tele, so let him love you in any state you’re in. He means exactly what he says. Down south, I miss my counterpart already. We are leaving on a trip tomorrow, and I won’t see my lover for a couple of weeks. 🥲. It ain’t vertigo, but imustigo around here. 🙄 Damn, I hope to the FSM that I don’t miss Tele. I think they have WiFi where I’m headed…: 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 30 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: @ceebs vent away. Your frustration makes perfect sense given feeling perfectly crappy. I’m sorry to hear it.😕 You know those 'straw that broke the camel's back' situations? About half an hour ago I bumped my arm on something in the kitchen and one of my favourite coffee mugs was in my hand and it fell and shattered and I burst into tears and just couldn't stop sobbing. Went online and bought an identical one after I finished cleaning it up, so there's that, but... ugh. I was telling my ex about it and he said something about looking at it as I can support the artist again haha, so there's that I guess. I bought it online from a guy I follow on Instagram whose drawings I really love. 33 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: You have a winner with Tele, so let him love you in any state you’re in. He means exactly what he says. He really does, yeah. I've never trusted what someone says so much in my life. That's huge. Something to focus on and remember for sure. 34 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Down south, I miss my counterpart already. We are leaving on a trip tomorrow, and I won’t see my lover for a couple of weeks. 🥲. Aw, boo. Headed anywhere interesting this time, though? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 Oh and... 36 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Damn, I hope to the FSM that I don’t miss Tele. I think they have WiFi where I’m headed…: I hope you don't either! I mean, he'll be here from the 5th to the 20th. I've already kind of planned a thread lol. Maybe... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 Ok good - I’ll be back in time, but may miss the earliest days he’s here. I love your ex’s take on the mug - supporting the artist. Yes. Mugs are tough, so I get that one. Digression: I bought one of those Breville Barista Touch machines maybe two years ago and the perfect mug for that can’t be too tall, has to be somewhat fat at the bottom, yet wide on top and no cappuccino cups for me (you have to be too careful with those wide rims!) I’d found the perfect mug in Montana made by a local artist there: It was fat, but waved with a nice dip around the middle so you could get ahold of it with a comfortable grip. Then, my husband dropped it one day. 🤦🏻♀️ Sigh. So, last year I bought various mugs that ended up all wrong. Recently though, I was at the Safari Park and found one that will work for now. 🙄🤣 Yeah, I get the mug!!! ok, back to you - nope -trip! Haha I’m busy planning two at the moment. One is the ultimate Williamsburg/Washington DC bonanza for the kids. They are the right age for it. The other is off the grid in a gorgeous setting - headed there tomorrow. Who knows if they have Wi-Fi? I wasn’t looking at those details when I booked it. 🤷🏻♀️ 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 31 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Mugs are tough, so I get that one. Oh they are lol. Thank you for understanding. I have an obnoxiously large mug collection and they all have meaning and memories and... that's just the type of person I am. Sentimental as fuck. 🥲 When I was in my early teens my mum broke a favourite mug (one I'd found in a box in my grandpa's garage... I think it had a winter landscape on it) by somehow using it to try to open a jar of jam (???) and I was inconsolable... Tele's got one that I sent him. It's a mug from the Tim Hortons coffee shop chain here in Canada (basically a national institution lol) and it's the kind they use in their shops if you ask for coffee in a proper ceramic mug as opposed to one of the to-go paper cups. I ummm... liberated it... from a Tim's in 2017. 😂 You can't buy them, they're like industrial strength porcelain for restaurant use. Anyway, he uses it every day. 31 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Who knows if they have Wi-Fi? I don't think I could cope with no internet. 😂 Anyway, have fun on your trips! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 Oh also, all of this comes on the heels of having no running water in my flat for three days and my landlord being a total nonchalant arse about it. Had to go to my ex-husband's place every day to shower (thankfully only about 3-4 mins away) and use giant jugs of water meant for camping. I am not having a fun time lately. 😡 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 1 minute ago, Ceebs said: and use giant jugs of water meant for camping. Um - that’s a problem. They should make slumlords switch with tenants when crap like that happens. I bet they’d then get it fixed double time. 🙄 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 And porcelain, I won’t eat off of anything else as I can’t stand chips or cracks. Bernadaud Louvre…I swear by it! Next time in I’m in Cañada, I’m liberating myself a mug! Haha (Hopefully that doesn’t lead to a “mug shot”!) 🤣 Bed time for me, we are leaving at the crack. 🙏🏼 for WiFi 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 17 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Um - that’s a problem. They should make slumlords switch with tenants when crap like that happens. I bet they’d then get it fixed double time. 🙄 Ha yeah, I said to Tele that if it was this guy's house, he'd be on it super fast. Actually though... so it's an old home from the 1920s, gorgeous house actually, and on the ground floor is a financial business. My landlord is a financial planner, it's his business, although it's his son who runs it now. I was affected the worst by the water problem cos I'm up on the third (top) floor and the pressure is lowest here. I had a bit of water for one day and it was apparently somewhat better in the flat below me and in the offices down on the ground floor. Next day no water at all, and then a couple days later I'm figuring there was nothing in the whole building by that point and that's why he finally did something. But. You know what he did? He's piping water into the house from the house next door lol. So it's not even fixed properly yet. 🙄 I mean, I do have running water again thank god, but still. He's a cheapskate and I'm sure the fact that he's a financial planner plays a large role in that. He doesn't like spending money. I'm pretty sure he's waiting for a specific plumber to be available in order to fix it properly... probably some buddy of his who won't charge him too much. 23 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Next time in I’m in Cañada, I’m liberating myself a mug! I won't discourage you... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 I don’t know if it will help you any but, with things like that, I sometimes ask myself if *I* would feel different about my partner (back in the good old days when I had partners, lol) if it was *them* going through a rough patch. Would I love them less if they weren’t feeling well, weren’t up to going out and doing things, were having more mental health challenges than usual, or whatever? Normally the answer was “no, of course not, I would just feel sad for them and hope things got better,” which then made it a bit easier to believe when they told me the same. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smellincoffee Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 On 7/26/2022 at 2:17 PM, Ceebs said: ...and then there's me, still here after 18 years. 😅 I recall when I really started becoming active circa 2008 (didn't post much before that, despite being a member since '04), you were around a lot. And even though I can't seem to recall things like where I put something down 30 seconds ago, anytime I've seen that same Sinatra pic that's your avatar, my brain remembers you. It helps that I've been using this profile picture since 2004 on here, CivFanatics, and TrekBBS -- though I'm less active at those these days than I am here. In the Old Days I mostly hung around JFF (that's where all those posts are 😆), the welcome board, and maaybe the musings one. I used to love playing in the Mafia threads. This was back when they first started doing a newsletter (downloadable pdfs!) and the head of the organization was interviewed on Montel for the first time. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted August 1, 2022 Share Posted August 1, 2022 On 7/30/2022 at 9:51 AM, ryn2 said: I don’t know if it will help you any but, with things like that, I sometimes ask myself if *I* would feel different about my partner (back in the good old days when I had partners, lol) if it was *them* going through a rough patch. I absolutely do this yep, and it does help actually. Because of course it changes nothing about how I feel and never would. 10 hours ago, smellincoffee said: the head of the organization was interviewed on Montel for the first time Oh maaaaan. Yeah, I remember people talking about the Montel thing on here back in the day. Where does time go? 🙃 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedSpouse Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 For almost 30 years I (sexual) have been in tears over my husband’s lack of interest in sex with me. We were religious, and somehow managed to wait until we were married to have sex. And for the first two weeks, things were great. After that it was a steep decline into a very average once a month sex life. An emotional connection is very important to him, and necessary before sexual intimacy. I felt forever frustrated as many times I just wanted a quick bonk. He is attracted to me, but it’s so confusing. Definitely faithful on both sides of the marriage. It’s a sad little puzzle. So I’m here to try to understand if he falls into any of the Ace/Aromantic/Demisexual or any the other categories on the Ace spectrum. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WZZ Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 1 hour ago, ConfusedSpouse said: For almost 30 years I (sexual) have been in tears over my husband’s lack of interest in sex with me. We were religious, and somehow managed to wait until we were married to have sex. And for the first two weeks, things were great. After that it was a steep decline into a very average once a month sex life. An emotional connection is very important to him, and necessary before sexual intimacy. I felt forever frustrated as many times I just wanted a quick bonk. He is attracted to me, but it’s so confusing. Definitely faithful on both sides of the marriage. It’s a sad little puzzle. So I’m here to try to understand if he falls into any of the Ace/Aromantic/Demisexual or any the other categories on the Ace spectrum. Dunno how open he'd be to the idea, but you might find descriptions of the various sublabels within the spectrum and just ask if any are what he experiences. I'm hardly on expert, but I'm not 100% sure demisexual is going to be the one, since, as spouses of 30 years, you likely have an extremely close emotional connection. But some of the others may ring true. Might also try to compare experiences leading up to sex. What you feel, what he feels. Etc. Could help narrow down the ways in which you differn which may help lead you to mote information. It's also possible to have low libido due to medication, or in men (sometimes) low testonerone. So that could be an avenue if he doesnt feel like he falls under the asexual umbrella, and you havent already considered those options. Good luck! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackswan4 Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 On 7/4/2010 at 5:02 PM, *** said: I don't want to derail the conversation, but do have a question for some a sexual or some sexuals at some point. I wondered how I'd go about finding the sexuals on AVEN, but this thread seems like a pretty good place! Let me know if anyone's free for a chat. Thanks! My husband is asexual.. it terrible Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 So you've already said, countless times. But you're getting a divorce, so. Look forward instead of back and focus on that now. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 Confused Spouse, I think demisexual might actually make a lot of sense if he always needs an emotional connection before sexual intimacy. If your husband were a woman, wanting sex once a month and needing to be romanced first wouldn't be particularly unusual. Does he actually want to have sex with you once a month, or is it more that he is willing to do it once a month to keep you happy? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 @ConfusedSpouse, libido and asexuality are two different things. Discerning which is in play is pretty tough from where I'm sitting, you'll have to get his take. it may be that he has a specific arousal pattern or a context that is necessary to release the brakes. Maybe check out Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski Quote Link to post Share on other sites
PSYgoth13 Posted September 5, 2022 Share Posted September 5, 2022 Hi there, My fiancee recently came out as asexual to me. We love each other deeply and that won't change, in fact I feel like this big blockade that was up between us finally came down and we are so happy. I am totally open to her being asexual, but I myself am sexual and obviously would never want to do anything that she doesn't wish to do. She said that she is open to bring someone else into the relationship. I just wanted to see if anyone has had experience with this and what it was like? I never saw myself being in anything other than a monogamous relationship so it's kind of hard, like I would be cheating or something. I also am not the casual sex kind of person- I feel that if another person is brought in I would like them to romantically jive with my fiancee too and and be a full unit. Thank you! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 5, 2022 Share Posted September 5, 2022 2 hours ago, PSYgoth13 said: She said that she is open to bring someone else into the relationship. Do you mean you want everyone to be in a relationship with one another? Like a triad/throuple? Just making sure I’m understanding your meaning before commenting. Opening a marriage is one of the possible solutions being partnered to an asexual and you’ll find several here who have some experience with it. I recently opened my marriage, and while it is going quite well as we work through everything, others who have been doing it for longer will be able to give you more advice than I. I would however suggest that you delay any wedding till the point where you have worked through being in a non-monogamous or polyamorous relationship (really I’d just straight up discourage marriage at all if I was being blunt). Here are some resources that were passed along to me (note, I can’t even take credit for the comments about each, below is a pure cut/paste job): detangle and find your autonomy This is somethingevery relationship shape should do so ignore that it states polyamory. Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator - a look at societies idea of coupledom that we all get indoctrinated with including the compulsory notion of partner ownership and sexual exclusivity. Designer Relationships - basically, free your mind to the possible relationship shapes. This one is great because it holds that monogamy is a proper and valid relationship choice that should be praised when chosen and not followed due to compulsory pressure. Opening Up - in depth look at the process of taking an exclusively monogamous relationship and opening it to alternative styles. Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory - This one is a gem for understanding nuts and bolts of ENM. Multiamory podcast - One of the personalities is the author of Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory. Very inclusive and knowledgeable group with information that gets shared throughout the poly community. The podcast on RADAR is particularly useful when first starting out. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RileyA Posted September 6, 2022 Share Posted September 6, 2022 11 hours ago, PSYgoth13 said: Hi there, My fiancee recently came out as asexual to me. We love each other deeply and that won't change, in fact I feel like this big blockade that was up between us finally came down and we are so happy. I am totally open to her being asexual, but I myself am sexual and obviously would never want to do anything that she doesn't wish to do. She said that she is open to bring someone else into the relationship. I just wanted to see if anyone has had experience with this and what it was like? I never saw myself being in anything other than a monogamous relationship so it's kind of hard, like I would be cheating or something. I also am not the casual sex kind of person- I feel that if another person is brought in I would like them to romantically jive with my fiancee too and and be a full unit. Thank you! Closed triads are the hardest style of polyamory and the one most likely to ruin your previous relationship. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 🤫 yo @Ceebs…so if you chit chat after a greenie off topic, what’s the consequence? 😬 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 7 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: 🤫 yo @Ceebs…so if you chit chat after a greenie off topic, what’s the consequence? 😬 Lol. Your post gets moved to Ask Admods questions that don't deserve their own thread. 🤷🏼♀️ SPFA needs a general chatter thread. Y'all don't venture outside of this space often enough. In other thoughts, godddd I can't wait till Christmas. I can't wait till Tele's bollocks crawl up inside his body because it's so bloody cold here. (Why yes, I do have a sadistic streak.) Luckily, there are ways to warm up... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 Haha ok thanks for that - I was hoping it was basically a non-issue. Meh, I wander once in awhile. 🙄🤣 We really need a JFF section here. I have so many things to chatter about. Like the love fest this week that my lover punctuated with, “Now there, that gives you something to write about on AVEN!” 🤣 or Hamilton the musical 🥰 You know, STUFF! Hoping Christmas feels like it’s here before you know it. Well that and sorta hoping Tele’s bollocks don’t shrivel up and….😳…no sadistic streaks here! Haha 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 O - M - G WTF ITAFRYTT? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.