Fellow Sexuals

[SusannaC]

You aren’t!!!

so many similarities to my own past:

feelings of resentment yet also love, turning “off” emotions, supposed erection problems,minimal hugs, no longer feeling attracted to my husband, couples counseling didn’t help…… so you aren’t alone. 
I was able to let go of some resentment when I really accepted & started to understand Asexuality.  It’s not how my husband is internally wired- and most likely same for yours.

You have your own life to live and it’s not for anyone else to tell you what to do.  Best advice is educate yourself on Asexuality and give much thought to what YOU need and want for your own peace and happiness.  
Life can be short and is most definitely precious. 
best wishes 

[ZeroCool]

10 hours ago, Suppressed Scorpio said:

 It's especially hurtful to me to know he watches porn and jerks off from time to time- despite my expressing my feelings about porn damaging relationships. I'm at the point now that I no longer feel attracted to him...he will walk around naked and I don't take interest. 

Do you think that it may be more of a self-esteem/self-confidence thing?  I know you said he identifies as having erectile dysfunction which might make him have a fear of intimate encounters and you said he was having ego clashes with your therapist.  You mentioned he also still has a desire to watch porn and masterbate though,  I am still new here but how common is this for asexuals?  Have you guys discussed whether he has sexual desire for you(might be a tough question, I get it) or any women in past relationships?  I think understanding how he sees sex and sexual desire will begin to open a dialog to help you guys begin to work out where you both are in the relationship, and whether you are compatible.  Until he is open to researching and understanding it though you will be stuck in a loop of frustration.

[SusannaC]

I know  many many many yrs ago when we tried to have sex, my husband had erectile dysfunction as well.   I think if there is no DESIRE for one’s partner, and the person really really doesn’t want to be participating in the activity to begin with,  ED can easily happen.  I’m sure my husband was thinking about the hundred other things he’d rather be doing at that moment.  
Took me a long time to digest that, but when I did, all of his behaviors made more sense.   Not trying to say ED can’t be a real issue for OP, but in my husbands case it was more of a symptom of his Asexuality.

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, SusannaC said:

I know  many many many yrs ago when we tried to have sex, my husband had erectile dysfunction as well.   I think if there is no DESIRE for one’s partner, and the person really really doesn’t want to be participating in the activity to begin with,  ED can easily happen.  I’m sure my husband was thinking about the hundred other things he’d rather be doing at that moment.  
Took me a long time to digest that, but when I did, all of his behaviors made more sense.   Not trying to say ED can’t be a real issue for OP, but in my husbands case it was more of a symptom of his Asexuality.

Yeah, same here. Not always, but often, and it got rather frustrating. He went to the doctor and his physical checkup was fine. No major psychological aversions to sex even, like he was... open to it... just his brain isn't wired to want it or whatever, so I guess responding was difficult.

[daveb]

As an asexual male I can relate to what Ceebs described. At the time I didn't know I was ace; I didn't even know about asexuality. I knew I could get physically aroused and that I could make stuff happen solo. But when it came to partnered sex I couldn't get things to work no matter how much I tried. The best I could do was take advantage of "morning wood". But even then, without the use of Viagra I couldn't maintain it. And I couldn't climax. I wouldn't call that ED, since the parts worked physically. It's just my brain doesn't seem to be wired to use it that way. Before AVEN I had no way of making sense of it though. I thought there was something wrong with me, like lack of experience or not knowing how to do things right or something. I guess it didn't help that I was already middle-aged and lacking in experience. 

[Ceebs]

My ex-husband tried Viagra and that was... a trip. 😅 It made him feel really physically unwell for a while after, I remember he spent the day in bed and I brought him soup.

 

This was during the phase he thought he was probably demisexual... his intentions were in the right place... but yeah, ultimately things just weren't going to work like they would for a sexual person. To even get into his version of 'in the mood' we'd have to spend a whole evening doing things like watching romantic films together. My sometimes spontaneous attempts to be playful and initiate something sexual without a lot of lead-up absolutely blindsided him. And then when things didn't... work... I'd get irritated and want to give up and eventually I just felt like such a creep and so disgusted with my own sexuality that I think I was more sex-averse than him for a while. It really wasn't a great relationship for me to be in when I was coming from a previous place of a lot of sexual repression and shame and mental stuff that had me questioning as a teenager if I was something like asexual myself. I quickly realised in the context of a proper relationship that I wasn't, and he was going with 'probably demi', and that combination seemed like maybe it should work, but it really really didn't and sent me back into that hole of sexual shame and self-disgust for quite a long time. I think I just decided I didn't have a sexuality and didn't want sex to be part of my life for a while, like I could simply reject the whole concept, reject that part of myself, and it would be fine. I guess I just decided it was something I was too 'broken' to be allowed to have. And I'd lost anything but platonic feelings for my ex at that point anyway. SPFA used to make me bitter... even though I knew people here were struggling with mismatched relationships and the stress and heartache that comes with that scenario, I was jealous that sexual partners here were certain of their own sexuality and (seemed) not ashamed of being sexual, and that's what I wanted for myself. I assumed it would never happen though, because I assumed I would stay in that relationship for the rest of my life. If we weren't fighting about anything, if we made good friends... why split up? And honestly I thought my sexuality was the bigger problem somehow. I had no other previous long-term relationships to compare anything to. Plus I didn't know who else would want me since I'm a... complicated... person, so. 🙃

 

That got long lol. But yeah, I think you're right, @daveb. If someone just doesn't experience that innate interest to connect that way, it makes sense that one's body would have trouble responding at least some of the time.

[Sally]

1 hour ago, daveb said:

Before AVEN I had no way of making sense of it though. I thought there was something wrong with me, like lack of experience or not knowing how to do things right or something.  

I thought that for most of my life, in fact into about 30 years of my sexual relationship with my partner.  I just kept trying and trying and trying.  I was so relieved to stop that trying.  Luckily, after about a year of getting used to the new reality, my partner understood and realized that the fact that I had kept trying meant that I certainly loved him enough to do so.  He told me he was sorry that I had to go through something that was so hard for me.    

[Suppressed Scorpio]

10 hours ago, ZeroCool said:

Do you think that it may be more of a self-esteem/self-confidence thing?  I know you said he identifies as having erectile dysfunction which might make him have a fear of intimate encounters and you said he was having ego clashes with your therapist.  You mentioned he also still has a desire to watch porn and masterbate though,  I am still new here but how common is this for asexuals?  Have you guys discussed whether he has sexual desire for you(might be a tough question, I get it) or any women in past relationships?  I think understanding how he sees sex and sexual desire will begin to open a dialog to help you guys begin to work out where you both are in the relationship, and whether you are compatible.  Until he is open to researching and understanding it though you will be stuck in a loop of frustration.

Yes, it is definitely a confidence thing. When we were in couples ' therapy, he said he has never had a healthy long term relationship and that performance or lack there of was a huge concern for him because he didn't want to mess up our relationship and lose me. The counselor and I both confirmed that performance was not a concern for me so much as his not wanting to try and fix things. In his previous long distance crazy marriage situation, he was taking Viagra in order to perform, but found that it made his chronic headache problem worse, so he stopped taking it. Shortly thereafter, the marriage dissolved and he filed for divorce after less than a year. To his credit, he has always been open and honest with me and has stated that his past flings/one night stands in his 20s (were in our late 40s) consisted of him not caring/having no real emotional investment, so there was no pressure to perform. He is an extreme introvert gamer, so he's content on his own and when we met, I literally walked into his house for the first time and noted the handlotion bottle beside the computer. I have had previous experience with a sex addict, so I knew what the "scene" was all about. He has experienced chronic injury requiring surgery in that general area growing up, and told me he "feels dead down there". He also stated that more often than not, he can't achieve climax even when masterbating, so he now feels like self pleasure is just a stress relief/mechanical routine if it ever does happen. When we were dating, we actually had a couple of scenarios where he got off on just heavy petting and/or having me dominate him...now that I said that, I'm wondering why I stopped that tactic....likely because I was pissed that he was never starting it. I may have gotten sick of putting in all the effort and that's where the resentment started. I have checked in with him frequently as to whether it's me and he's just not attracted anymore, but he swears that is not the case and that it's his libido. Apparently, I am only the second long term relationship that he's ever had....and the first one ended due to his ex coming out as a lesbian. Lots to unpack here....I know! 😮‍💨

[Suppressed Scorpio]

16 hours ago, SusannaC said:

You aren’t!!!

so many similarities to my own past:

feelings of resentment yet also love, turning “off” emotions, supposed erection problems,minimal hugs, no longer feeling attracted to my husband, couples counseling didn’t help…… so you aren’t alone. 
I was able to let go of some resentment when I really accepted & started to understand Asexuality.  It’s not how my husband is internally wired- and most likely same for yours.

You have your own life to live and it’s not for anyone else to tell you what to do.  Best advice is educate yourself on Asexuality and give much thought to what YOU need and want for your own peace and happiness.  
Life can be short and is most definitely precious. 
best wishes 

Thank you for your response, sharing and wishes. I truly appreciate it. Best wishes to you too. ❤️ 

[KNJ]

I found this page accidentally; I never heard about asexuals before. I have never met anyone - before my husband. And after more than a decade of marriage, blaming myself for the lack of sex in our relationship, I started to search on the internet a bit more than a year ago. And found aven. It was somehow deliberating to learn about asexuality - at least it lifted off the blame. Now, I do not blame myself - and neither him, of course, as he it is noone's fault. I came here to find out, how asexuals feel, find out a way to my husband, and be able to talk about the big questions regarding to our life together. It did not happen yet... But it is comforting to know, that there are people in similar situation, so I can turn somewhere for support. 

 

[TeaService]

On 2/9/2022 at 4:26 AM, Suppressed Scorpio said:

I just found this group and I'm so grateful for it. I am ++sexual in a 7 year relationship with an asexual (in the closet). He identified as having erectile dysfunction when we were dating...stating that it had been a problem since his 20's. I was appreciate of his honesty and the fact that he clarified that "it's not (me), it's (him)". We did have a sexual relationship prior to moving in together...although it was mainly me who was initiating. Then, as the years went by we both developed health conditions which require medication. So, in addition to the health problem itself impacting libido, whatever libido was left was impacted by the side-effects from the medication. Now, it's been 5 years with absolute NO sexual involvement at all! I have been feeling like I'm in a "bi-polar" relationship because I go from loving him to resenting the hell out of him. We've been to couples' counseling which helped a bit, until he started clashing egos with our male therapist. We do have minimal intimacy like cuddling and pecks, but we are no longer sleeping in the same room (started when my heath took a nosedive and I needed uninterrupted sleep) and we just never went back to sleeping together. While I have my "no libido at all" days/weeks, but when I'm horny, I REALLY resent him and think I should just end it. It's especially hurtful to me to know he watches porn and jerks off from time to time- despite my expressing my feelings about porn damaging relationships. I'm at the point now that I no longer feel attracted to him...he will walk around naked and I don't take interest. Sometimes I feel it's unfair and hurtful that he does that, so I think I've turned off to protect my emotions. I'm a "fixer" personality and it's been very difficult to accept what is now our "normal" along with the fact that he hasn't done anything to try and improve things since the couples' counseling was unsuccessful. What makes it worse is that I have to constantly hear about our friends' sex lives and how much they're getting it. This wasn't what I signed up for...but I do love him, so the guilt keeps me from ending it. I have been supportive, understanding and patient. I have put my feelings and desires for sexual contact aside and have just gone day to day satisfying myself with toys, but I feel like it's all been about him and his comfort zone...and I'm over it! Please tell me I'm not alone! 

Hello, all.  Newbie here as well.  And Suppressed, yes - you are not alone.  I could have probably written your post verbatim, with the exception of my husband and porn and masturbation.  We've been together for over 20 years and there has been nothing sexual for nearly 15 years now.  It's like I blinked and all of that time went by and ... here I still am.  We've done therapy (couples and individual) a number of time and, although he says that he wants things to change, they don't.  It's very, very hard in my experience to not feel resentful and alone.  I'm looking forward to reading more on here, and having a community in the same situation.

[Jay S]

I can say from the brief time I have been here, the support is great. Being in the UK, support is not available but virtually, this has been great.

[S Tiger]

Hi Fellow Sexuals,

 

Sorry if this is TMI: 

I'm married to an asexual woman, and things are fairly stable but I find it hard (pun possibly intended!) to ignore my sex drive. 

We've talked about opening the marriage but I don't think either of us could cope with that. So I am trying my best to deal with "things" myself - I find less and less interest in porn for the sake of porn, I need some kind of real person on the other end. 

 

Just wondered if anyone has had any luck with online hookups? I have tried some random cam chat sites like joingy.com which I have enjoyed occasionally but it's mostly men and I'm mostly straight. I am reluctant to pay for a service - I just want someone to have fun with from time to time not someone who I pay to have fun with, sort of defeats the point I feel!

 

Anyway I'd welcome any advice - posted here or PM me.

 

Cheers!

[Mountain House]

37 minutes ago, S Tiger said:

 

Just wondered if anyone has had any luck with online hookups

Curious how this isn't opening your marriage? 

 

Anyway, the two of you should do a deep dive into ENM if you haven't. 

 

Yes, I have met people online.

 

41 minutes ago, S Tiger said:

I just want someone to have fun with from time to time

That's a FWB. Not at all uncommon in the ENM world.

[S Tiger]

4 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

Curious how this isn't opening your marriage? 

Yes I suppose it is really! Doesn't feel quite the same but you are right

I'll have a look into ENM thanks!

Where have you met people?

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, S Tiger said:

it's mostly men and I'm mostly straight

Do I sense an opportunity there? I mean, if you're mostly straight...

[Mountain House]

11 minutes ago, S Tiger said:

I'll have a look into ENM

The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory

Opening Up

Multiamory podcast

 

14 minutes ago, S Tiger said:

Where have you met people

I met my girlfriend on Okcupid.

[S Tiger]

1 minute ago, Ceebs. said:

Do I sense an opportunity there? I mean, if you're mostly straight...

a little bit yeah, but not enough

don't think I could leave women out of the equation!

[Ceebs]

3 minutes ago, S Tiger said:

a little bit yeah, but not enough

don't think I could leave women out of the equation!

Yeah I figured, and I understand. Mostly just being a tad facetious here.

 

Do you think online hookups, or even full affairs (because sometimes you get more than you bargained for in the beginning and it throws everything else into chaos), are really going to solve the issue in the long term? I understand the need it can fill in the moment, in a more superficial way... it's nice to be wanted, and that's an understatement... but eventually you'll have to confront whether your marriage is sustainable. 

[S Tiger]

3 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Yeah I figured, and I understand. Mostly just being a tad facetious here.

 

Do you think online hookups, or even full affairs (because sometimes you get more than you bargained for in the beginning and it throws everything else into chaos), are really going to solve the issue in the long term? I understand the need it can fill in the moment, in a more superficial way... it's nice to be wanted, and that's an understatement... but eventually you'll have to confront whether your marriage is sustainable. 

absolutely right, I am after all probably just a little bit horny!

I don't think I could manage a relationship with another person properly, I suspect that would be the end of the marriage at least from my perspective (I worry that it wouldn't bother her too much!)

 

Now that we're aware of the issues (and a lot of that is down to discovering this site) we're better at talking in away that doesn't upset either of us. The marriage is sustainable (for now at least) - we both want it and are prepared to work for it. That said it is me who doesn't get what I want for obvious reasons. 

 

Your probably right about the chaos though! A like minded friend with a webcam is about all I could handle I suspect

[S Tiger]

1 hour ago, Ceebs. said:

Yeah I figured, and I understand. Mostly just being a tad facetious here.

Other than being facetious, what do/did you have as an outlet?

I'm interested in what all the frustrated sexuals do when the person they love is asexual!

[Ceebs]

5 hours ago, S Tiger said:

Other than being facetious, what do/did you have as an outlet?

😂😂😂

 

Being facetious has been one of my greatest coping techniques for many things in life.

 

Short story, I was messed up about my own sexuality for long enough earlier in my life that I thought it didn't matter for a while. But it did. I stuffed my feelings down about the relationship mismatch (it wasn't purely about sexual stuff even though we made decent friends) and had a lot going on in my life with other significant problems that my focus wasn't even really on the relationship for a while. I got myself involved in some minor stuff that was... not very above-board... for a bit. Eventually said I couldn't handle pretending the marriage worked anymore, we were essentially separated but still living together for a while for practical reasons and since we still got on okay, I was openly involved in another relationship that started out as an online affair but involved visiting as well, that relationship was an unhealthy nightmare that finally came to an end, and my current partner is someone who I met here on AVEN who was a longtime good friend and who used to be in a mismatched marriage too. (And we're currently long-distance as well but don't intend to stay that way.)

 

I am very happy to be done with wanting something better and with not being honest.

[S Tiger]

32 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I am very happy to be done with wanting something better and with not being honest.

thank you for talking to me about it, sounds like quite the rollercoaster ride! 

Glad to hear it looks to be panning out for you in the end

[Ceebs]

2 hours ago, S Tiger said:

thank you for talking to me about it, sounds like quite the rollercoaster ride! 

My life has been nothing but in so many ways.

 

I call myself 'complicated'... my partner says I'm 'intricate' lol.

 

And thank you.  I hope you find something that works for you. It's difficult, I know.

[BloodyBlood]

cause i used to be Asexual and ace spectrum till few weeks/days/months ago and now im allosexual well im stil interested in asexuality and ace stuff and i like being around ace people, so i stayed here , and gonna stay here to be useful somehow and see around =,]

[KNJ]

On 2/19/2022 at 9:00 PM, S Tiger said:

Other than being facetious, what do/did you have as an outlet?

On 2/19/2022 at 9:00 PM, S Tiger said:

I'm interested in what all the frustrated sexuals do when the person they love is asexual!

Hi, 

I'm also wondering... As a woman, who's always been wanted by boyfriends, it was an extremely hard journey while I've finally found AVEN, and understand my husband's behavior. It is still hard, but now at least I let go the self-blame. Now I entered the next stage: I refuse to shut down the sexual part of my life, but I don't know, where to start. I don't want to go online, I feel it too risky. I am relatively new in this country, which means my social network is still small, and only slowly building up. But even if you have nice colleagues, this is not something you want to discuss with them...  It feels isolated most of the time. And the most frustrating, that all the people around us see us as a happy couple... while the truth is, that we can't even sit down and talk about it. I am constantly figuring this thing out - but could not get anywhere yet... meanwhile I feel I am wasting my life. Sexuality and sensuality have been so important for me, how could I get here??? (Sorry, this is one of those days, when I am in a very dark hole...)

 

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, KNJ said:

But even if you have nice colleagues, this is not something you want to discuss with them

We're here for you. Explaining asexuality to people that haven't experienced it can be pretty hard anyway.

 

1 hour ago, KNJ said:

(Sorry, this is one of those days, when I am in a very dark hole...)

No need to be sorry. Been there. Visit there every now and then still.

 

[RileyA]

One of my nesting partners is aromantic and they can "live without sex". It's been a while getting on the same page but we're mostly good now.

Edited July 10, 2022 by RileyA
Typo

[smellincoffee]

When I first found AVEN in 2006, I identified as asexual.   My body changed in 2011,  like I'd entered a very late puberty:   I suddenly felt sexual attraction (a friend calls me 'demisexual' now)  and felt masculine, as opposed to  the more gender-neutral person that I was earlier.   I was also leaving college and taking on the challenges of adulthood at the time, so I wasn't online much and drifted away from AVEN.  I still come back from time to time,  because a lot of the issues I was already aware of here (gender/orientation spectrums) suddenly became mainstream in 2015, and I wanted to keep up with what was going on.  There's also a bit of nostalgia involved, though I doubt many people from the Old Days are still here. 

[Ceebs]

20 minutes ago, smellincoffee said:

There's also a bit of nostalgia involved, though I doubt many people from the Old Days are still here. 

...and then there's me, still here after 18 years. 😅

 

I recall when I really started becoming active circa 2008 (didn't post much before that, despite being a member since '04), you were around a lot. And even though I can't seem to recall things like where I put something down 30 seconds ago, anytime I've seen that same Sinatra pic that's your avatar, my brain remembers you.