Fellow Sexuals

[Sally]

May I have permission to feel somewhat sappy-sad about the divorce?  Because I followed, as much as could be discerned from AVEN posts, that relationship?  Because you are both good people?  I also want permission to be happy about your successful travels through subsequent difficulties, and your arrival at the shelter you have with Tele, whom I admire despite my furious fights with him while he was still obsessed with his previous difficulties?   

[Ceebs]

5 hours ago, Sally said:

May I have permission to feel somewhat sappy-sad about the divorce?  Because I followed, as much as could be discerned from AVEN posts, that relationship?  Because you are both good people?  I also want permission to be happy about your successful travels through subsequent difficulties, and your arrival at the shelter you have with Tele, whom I admire despite my furious fights with him while he was still obsessed with his previous difficulties?   

Yep, sappy-sad is totally fair. It's still a good friendship and I assume always will be. Just not at all the right people in a romantic context, let alone a sexual one. I was... young and naive and didn't know myself too well in certain contexts. And didn't have anyone else in my life who was there for me in any meaningful way... my parents were always pretty shit at that, and I'd isolated myself from most previous friendships... so I think I sort of jumped on that. He's definitely a good person. It never felt quite right in so many ways, but I don't regret it at all. Life goes on and all that, and I feel very lucky to have found someone who does fit in all the right ways.

 

The messy interlude with someone else between those two people... well, that's another story. 🙃 Although I did learn a lot about myself and my needs and wants, so there's that.

 

And I'll pass your admiration on to Tele. Or, you know, just get him to read this thread, haha.

[Ceebs]

Wow I've edited that post about five times now lol. Additional thoughts and all that.

[Sally]

5 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Yep, sappy-sad is totally fair. It's still a good friendship and I assume always will be. Just not at all the right people in a romantic context, let alone a sexual one. I was... young and naive. And didn't have anyone else in my life who was there for me in any way, so I think I sort of jumped on that. He's definitely a good person. It never felt quite right in so many ways, but I don't regret it at all. Life goes on and all that, and I feel very lucky to have found someone who does fit in all the right ways.

 

Just realized that when I first "read" you, you at that time were thinking that you were asexual, and I immediately envied what I thought was the relationship between two asexual people (being at that time, I think, trying to figure out how I could continue with the exceedingly uncomfortable sexual relationship with the person I loved dearly).  Ha.  That must have been at least 10 years ago.  

[Anthracite_Impreza]

58 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Also, irony (is it irony, or just a fortuitous coincidence?) is your ex telling you that you have an appointment in a couple days to sign divorce papers on the day of your first anniversary with your current partner, lol. All very amicable and everything. We have to sign them in the fucking car park outside the notary's office. 😂 #COVIDthings

 

It's been nearly three years kinda-sorta in the works, soooo...

That is... pretty impressive timing I have to say. I still can't believe how long it takes to get divorced though; in the Tyrantship of Yorkshire I we will make it much quicker and easier, cos fuck that shit.

[Ceebs]

1 minute ago, Sally said:

Just realized that when I first "read" you, you at that time were thinking that you were asexual, and I immediately envied what I thought was the relationship between two asexual people (being at that time, I think, trying to figure out how I could continue with the exceedingly uncomfortable sexual relationship with the person I loved dearly).  Ha.  That must have been at least 10 years ago.  

Ohhh yeah, it feels like a lifetime ago. Obviously I came here wondering if I might be asexual, having not really properly acknowledged or understood a lot of what was going on with me in other ways. Any minor dating experiences prior to that didn't feel that great to me, and there was all my mental and physical crap going on (I mean, I still have a lot of that shit, but in a very different way now). I very quickly realised in the context of that relationship that I was not even remotely asexual haha, and my ex thought he might be demi... but yeah no. I remember lots of tearful evenings of whining about 'something missing', and of course my ex didn't find there was anything missing at all. That kept me stuck in being ashamed of my sexuality for a long time and I just kind of shut that part of me down to the point I felt close enough to actually being asexual anyway. Took quite a while to get past that shame and be okay with myself.

 

But yeah, I mistook someone being kind and accepting, combined with an initial crush that faded fast into something very platonic, for having found the right person. Should've always just been a friendship, but then life is messy and learning about yourself can take a long time, so. It was 12 years ago that relationship began and a decade ago we got married. I remember trying to mentally work out how to respond to the marriage proposal with an appropriate amount of emotion, haha. I just... wasn't feeling it. Didn't help that at the time I had a hardcore crush on a woman (a straight one, a friend of my ex's nonetheless) and was realising I wasn't just hetero. I had a bit of a meltdown in early 2018 and said I couldn't do it anymore, which is when I consider the relationship to have officially ended, and spent a few years messily exploring my interest in women...

 

But yeah, I had a lot of stuff to work through psychologically and with being comfortable with my sexuality to get to where I am now.

[Ceebs]

11 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

That is... pretty impressive timing I have to say.

Yeah I had to laugh. I mentioned it to Tele, although I didn't say anything to my ex about the timing. That might've been a bit inappropriate lol, although he does know all about my current relationship.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Also, irony (is it irony, or just a fortuitous coincidence?) is your ex telling you that you have an appointment in a couple days to sign divorce papers on the day of your first anniversary with your current partner, lol. All very amicable and everything. We have to sign them in the fucking car park outside the notary's office. 😂 #COVIDthings

 

It's been nearly three years kinda-sorta in the works, soooo...

Haha. That's weird timing. But I guess a good present for Tele? You're officially on the market and free to apply for visas one day ! Lol

 

I honestly don't even remember the day I signed divorce papers. Didn't care enough. We had Chinese to celebrate the divorce after... it was a very non-emotional affair. I don't think it would be at all with my current if we broke up. I'd miss her too much! 

 

All in all my divorce took like 20 minutes to do the paperwork then it's like a 90 day wait or something after filing. 

[Ceebs]

2 minutes ago, Serran said:

We had Chinese to celebrate the divorce after... it was a very non-emotional affair.

Yeah I don't expect this to be even remotely emotional. For me, anyway. I dunno about my ex and I'm not going to ask; that's his business and it's not really my job or place to be there for him in this regard. But I highly doubt he's super torn up about it. We care about each other in a sort of familial way, but I know he's not hung up on me romantically or anything and his non-platonic feelings faded long ago.

 

And lol yeah, I find the timing amusing. It was just one of those things that was on the back burner for a long time because it wasn't super urgent... we've both been well aware that the relationship has been over for several years now... but I've been sort of pushing to get it done a little more lately due to other life things coming up. My landlord has put the house I've been renting for the past five years on the market (I'm about an hour north of Toronto and real estate shit is going nuts because of COVID... Toronto folks moving out of The Big City to smaller cities, and it's a great time to sell here), and that's a whole other story (no idea if I'll have to move; if someone buys it they might be taking on tenants -- there's a woman in a basement flat as well -- but they may also kick me out so they can move in), but it's got me really wanting to get a lot of stuff in order. Divorce included. 

[Sally]

When I got divorced, I had already met my dear late partner and was so goo-goo about that, I did not care about our house at all.  We'd only bought it several years before, anyway, and it was out of the city, and I wanted to back into the city near my partner.  So I simply quit-claimed it to my husband, which was SUCH a financially stupid thing to do, I can't imagine I did it.  Especially with two small children, one with handicaps.  But that was a geologic age ago.  Oh also, at that time divorces took a whole year in Washington State, and there was no state oversight of child support, and husband said he'd move to Alaska if I asked for even reasonable child support.  For years afterward, he claimed bitterly that he was giving ME money, as though I was spending it on things that I wanted, rather than food, clothing, housing, etc. for our children.  Now dissolutions str given just for "irretrievable breakdown", and only take 3 months, and child support is paid to the court and passed to the other partner, so it isn't a fight between the two parents.   Things have changed for the better in those respects.  

[Ceebs]

36 minutes ago, Sally said:

I did not care about our house at all. 

That one is gonna be tough for me, the whole house thing. I love this place dearly, and when I moved in, I expected to be here for a long time to come. Moving is awful for me; from a practical standpoint I don't have the greatest mental or physical ability to deal with it, and on the emotional side... I get really attached to places I love. The move out of my parents' home (where I spent the first 24 years of my life) was surprisingly easy (too many unpleasant memories there, and they overshadowed the good ones), but when I moved out of my first flat in the city I'm in now, also located in a 'proper house', it was heartbreaking. My soon-to-be-ex-husband decided we needed to live closer to my family again so they could help out (I was really not in a good place health-wise), except... they're not really of any help anyway. We spent a year-ish in the city where I was born, in a basement flat I despised, and then moved to another city just outside of Toronto for another year-ish where he ran a business. We lived in a crappy and overpriced ant-infested high-rise that made me want to die. That might've been the worst period of my life (mid-2015 to mid-2016). His store wasn't doing well and he had to close, so we moved back to where I am now -- the city I chose when I moved out of my parents' -- because I missed it so terribly and there was no good reason to be anywhere else. I've long maintained that the biggest heartbreak of my life was not a person; it was moving away from the city I chose as my home. I love this place so much. So we came back in 2016 and I've been in this place for five years now. A 95-year-old house that feels like a proper home, with a garden and a private backyard and... I just don't know how I'll cope with any of the aspects of leaving again. The only reason I'd do it voluntarily is if my relationship with Tele necessitated it in the future, because that's more important than any house or city. But I'm so attached to this place. The things I love, I love them very deeply. If I need to leave it in the near future, I'll be looking into something that I won't get as attached to. Still in the same city, hopefully the same neighbourhood more or less, but probably some sort of nondescript apartment building.

 

36 minutes ago, Sally said:

So I simply quit-claimed it to my husband, which was SUCH a financially stupid thing to do, I can't imagine I did it.  Especially with two small children, one with handicaps.  But that was a geologic age ago.  Oh also, at that time divorces took a whole year in Washington State, and there was no state oversight of child support, and husband said he'd move to Alaska if I asked for even reasonable child support.  For years afterward, he claimed bitterly that he was giving ME money, as though I was spending it on things that I wanted, rather than food, clothing, housing, etc. for our children. 

Yikes, that sounds very unpleasant.

 

I've no idea how long the divorce will take to be finalised... not sure what all is involved in submitting the paperwork, tbh. Will it be over and done with within a few days? Several weeks or months? No idea. (I'm really bad at practical life shit, haha.) But at least it's on the right track in a very official way. We had papers filled out several years ago actually, but a lot of the information given at the time is irrelevant now, like reasons for divorcing (there was stuff on there about me being gay... oops, should've stuck with bisexual, it seems 🙃), so those were scrapped.

 

Anyway. That sounds like a lot of stress you went through to get that done. Glad to hear things are more efficient these days.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

That one is gonna be tough for me, the whole house thing. I love this place dearly, and when I moved in, I expected to be here for a long time to come. Moving is awful for me; from a practical standpoint I don't have the greatest mental or physical ability to deal with it, and on the emotional side... I get really attached to places I love. The move out of my parents' home (where I spent the first 24 years of my life) was surprisingly easy (too many unpleasant memories there, and they overshadowed the good ones), but when I moved out of my first flat in the city I'm in now, also located in a 'proper house', it was heartbreaking. My soon-to-be-ex-husband decided we needed to live closer to my family again so they could help out (I was really not in a good place health-wise), except... they're not really of any help anyway. We spent a year-ish in the city where I was born, in a basement flat I despised, and then moved to another city just outside of Toronto for another year-ish where he ran a business. We lived in a crappy and overpriced ant-infested high-rise that made me want to die. That might've been the worst period of my life (mid-2015 to mid-2016). His store wasn't doing well and he had to close, so we moved back to where I am now -- the city I chose when I moved out of my parents' -- because I missed it so terribly and there was no good reason to be anywhere else. I've long maintained that the biggest heartbreak of my life was not a person; it was moving away from the city I chose as my home. I love this place so much. So we came back in 2016 and I've been in this place for five years now. A 95-year-old house that feels like a proper home, with a garden and a private backyard and... I just don't know how I'll cope with any of the aspects of leaving again. The only reason I'd do it voluntarily is if my relationship with Tele necessitated it in the future, because that's more important than any house or city. But I'm so attached to this place. The things I love, I love them very deeply. If I need to leave it in the near future, I'll be looking into something that I won't get as attached to. Still in the same city, hopefully the same neighbourhood more or less, but probably some sort of nondescript apartment building.

 

Yikes, that sounds very unpleasant.

 

I've no idea how long the divorce will take to be finalised... not sure what all is involved in submitting the paperwork, tbh. Will it be over and done with within a few days? Several weeks or months? No idea. (I'm really bad at practical life shit, haha.) But at least it's on the right track in a very official way. We had papers filled out several years ago actually, but a lot of the information given at the time is irrelevant now, like reasons for divorcing (there was stuff on there about me being gay... oops, should've stuck with bisexual, it seems 🙃), so those were scrapped.

 

Anyway. That sounds like a lot of stress you went through to get that done. Glad to hear things are more efficient these days.

Reason you can honestly just put irreconcilable differences. They don't need to know personal details. Lol 

 

But assets etc need to be up to date. 

 

If it's as easy as it is here, you can fill it in and file then just wait whatever the waiting period is. One of us had to tell a judge yeah that's what we want, no contest and he signed it. No big deal, really. It only gets messy when it is contested. 

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, Serran said:

Reason you can honestly just put irreconcilable differences. They don't need to know personal details. Lol 

Yeah that's more or less what's on there.

 

I honestly don't know any of the rest of what happens after we sign things. My ex might know, but as previously mentioned I'm really bad at Practical Life Stuff, so I've ignored the details. Guess we'll find out...

[ryn2]

I know how it works here but that doesn’t help you since you’re... there.  XD

[Ceebs]

8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I know how it works here but that doesn’t help you since you’re... there.  XD

I am indeed 'there', lol. Or is it 'here'? 🤔

 

Was talking to my ex about it more this morning and he seems under the impression that it doesn't take more than a few months.

[ryn2]

That would make sense, if everything is uncontested and divided (at least on paper) already.  Most of the time (here) at that point is waiting for the judge to sign.  That part - between filing and final signoff... not *just* the judge - took about four months for me and some of the delay was getting signatures as my ex was no longer local.

[Sally]

7 hours ago, Serran said:

If it's as easy as it is here, you can fill it in and file then just wait whatever the waiting period is. One of us had to tell a judge yeah that's what we want, no contest and he signed it. No big deal, really. It only gets messy when it is contested. 

In Washington State, you can't contest a divorce: if one party no longer wants to be married, that's it (as it should be).  But if there's a lot of money to be divided or contested child custody, it can take a while to work out.  Most dissolutions now do shared custody.  

[Guest]

16 minutes ago, Sally said:

In Washington State, you can't contest a divorce: if one party no longer wants to be married, that's it (as it should be).  But if there's a lot of money to be divided or contested child custody, it can take a while to work out.  Most dissolutions now do shared custody.  

Well, I meant contest the agreement ..  we signed what each person got as assets and agreed on it and the judge asked us if we were OK with it still. Said yes and that was that. If we contested who got what, it can get messy. A coworker had a 3 year divorce over asset arguments o.O

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Serran said:

Well, I meant contest the agreement

Yes, that’s what I meant as well.  If both sides are not in agreement over the financial or custodial details it takes much longer.  Mine took about a year in total as the contesting was largely (not entirely) done in mediation (which is usually faster than other options).

[Ceebs]

I was looking at the papers my ex printed out earlier today and there's a thing that says "This court orders that [his name] and [my name] be divorced and that the divorce take effect 31 days after the date of this order".

 

🤷🏼‍♀️

[Sally]

16 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I was looking at the papers my ex printed out earlier today and there's a thing that says "This court orders that [his name] and [my name] be divorced and that the divorce take effect 31 days after the date of this order".

 

🤷🏼‍♀️

So the order has to be signed by a court official (in the US, it's usually a Court Commissioner), and then 31 days from the signing and entering in the court (meaning the order's official), you will be divorced.   

[Ceebs]

Just now, Sally said:

So the order has to be signed by a court official (in the US, it's usually a Court Commissioner), and then 31 days from the signing and entering in the court (meaning the order's official), you will be divorced.   

Yeah, that was my guess as to what it meant... I suppose the mystery lies in how long until a court official gets round to signing it.

[Traveler40]

Uh, When does Tallulahcaster unite?

 

That’s what enquiring minds want to know. That’s the story here, focus. It’s like herding squirrels. 🙄

[Ceebs]

Just now, Traveler40 said:

Uh, When does Tallulahcaster unite?

😂

 

Honestly I've no exact idea yet. Travel to Canada isn't allowed right now, Ontario's been dealing with the third -- and worst -- wave of the entire pandemic since the whole thing began over a year ago. Stay-at-home orders are in place, only essential businesses are allowed to be open, blah blah blah. I'm not sure about what's allowed as far as travel to the UK, but I'm not in a great place to be the one travelling at the moment, so.

 

But trust me... AVEN will hear alllllllllll about it when it happens, lol.

[Ceebs]

6 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

It’s like herding squirrels. 🙄

Also I think Tele would probably say that navigating my brain is a little like herding squirrels at times. Affectionately, of course.  

[Traveler40]

I thought I’d heard Canada was going to open its borders. Maybe that was misunderstood. Tbh, I want to visit Victoria in August. We bought plane tickets to Seattle and will do a few of the islands. It would be spectacular to jump across the border to stay in quaint places like on Salt Spring Island. We shall see. 
 

Down south, we’ve been vaccinated for months. It seems harder to contract COVID than the clap at the moment. Who knows how the variants will play out though. Like everyone else, we went through hell to get here, but life is normalizing slowly. 
 

Oh yes, our annual camping trip is coming up. We have to get the shower tent aired out. Believe it or not, that thing rocks! 🏕 Last year we had a bear and her cubs in residence which was frightening. Here’s to hoping it’s a bit less eventful this year. 😳

 

I hope you two jump across the pond one way or the other sooner than later. It’s high time! As soon as Tele can saddle up and fly over, he must book! 
 

Edit: Oh yes, I meant to say sorry about your house situation. Hopefully any new owner plans to lease it as is and keep your arrangement. Then again, maybe you’ll have to MOVE... ✈️ 🇬🇧 

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

 

I thought I’d heard Canada was going to open its borders. Maybe that was misunderstood. Tbh, I want to visit Victoria in August. We bought plane tickets to Seattle and will do a few of the islands. It would be spectacular to jump across the border to stay in quaint places like on Salt Spring Island. We shall see. 

 

My dad's best friend from high school lives on one of the islands out there. Cortes Island, I believe? Never been out west myself, but from what I know, it's beautiful. I hope you get to go!

 

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

shower tent

Shower tent... now there's something I didn't know existed and need to google.

 

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Last year we had a bear and her cubs in residence which was frightening.

This sounds familiar, I think? Did I hear about the bear? Maybe... or was it a snake I heard about?

 

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Edit: Oh yes, I meant to say sorry about your house situation. Hopefully any new owner plans to lease it as is and keep your arrangement. Then again, maybe you’ll have to MOVE... ✈️ 🇬🇧 

You've no idea how much I wish that could happen super easily, haha. Gonna kick me out of my house, landlords? Ok, I'll just bugger off to the UK ASAP then. 😂

[ryn2]

The last I saw the PM wanted to hold off until both the US and Canada are 75% vaccinated so it could be a while.

[Ceebs]

Ah yeah... last I heard, about 48% of people here have received at least one dose.

[Ceebs]

"I need to go now, should be back before your divorce." - Tele 😂

 

Is it bad that I'm more excited about this than I was about getting married? Lol. I mean I know it doesn't take effect immediately today, but close enough.