Fellow Sexuals

[ryn2]

I’ll let them answer for themselves but several people who regularly post in this thread  have found workable open relationship models.  They may have ideas that help or approaches that sound reasonable to you.

[Traveler40]

I guess I’m stuck at the particulars:

 

Eight years, never having had sex, no children and waning feelings? Maybe it’s time to separate and fly regardless of the history you’ve had.  Opening isn’t likely going to solve the issues at hand. That’s just an opinion, but it may be best in the long term to part ways. You can do this and still love each other as great friends. 

[Mountain House]

4 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Opening isn’t likely going to solve the issues at hand.

It will make every crack in a relationship into a chasm.

 

Don't save the relationship at the expense of the people in it. 

 

To get your bearings, I suggest the book Opening Up. https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

[AFish]

12 hours ago, Mountain House said:

It will make every crack in a relationship into a chasm.

 

Don't save the relationship at the expense of the people in it. 

 

To get your bearings, I suggest the book Opening Up. https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Thank you!  I also have The Ethical Slut which I've just started.  Have you read that one? 

[Mountain House]

4 hours ago, AFish said:

Thank you!  I also have The Ethical Slut which I've just started.  Have you read that one? 

I have.  It's considered by some to be the bible for ENM.  It was interesting.

Opening Up seems more comprehensive to the issue of transforming to an open relationship.

 

Speaking of comprehensive, I could link to a post I did that has a lot of reference material: 

 

So, by asking this I assume you are researching options that may consider keeping your current relationship.  Good for you.  I think you might want to look up "triangle theory of love"; it's not necessarily the end all description of love and relationships but I like the perspective it can afford.

 

Look up "love languages" and "3 minute game" to find ways to nurture your current relationship's bond.

 

(And don't ignore the idea that sometimes the healthiest choice for the people is to break the relationship.)

 

22 hours ago, AFish said:

What happens when I become emotionally attached to that person?

It is a common beginner mistake to assume that this won't happen so, for me, I assume that it will.  I have a tiny bit of experience here.  Somewhere in this forum I admitted that I can crush easy.  A bunch of years ago I suddenly came to the realization that I was falling in love with one of my crushes that I talked/chatted with every day.  When I realized this it scared the crap out of me and I ghosted her before ghosting was a thing.   We agree that it was an emotional affair of sorts but due to its unintended nature we agree that it wasn't cheating.  To answer your question: I learned that I can easily love more than one person.  It did not change my love for my wife.

 

22 hours ago, AFish said:

I do not want to hurt my husband, another person and myself and I am afraid that all roads lead to doom. 

The fact that you are expressing concern for your virtual yet to be met new partner leads me to believe you can do this.  Many beginners forget that this new partner is an actual whole person that loves and feels and will invest themselves in the relationship.

 

Keep researching.  There is no hurry here.  Involve your husband because he will have a lot of work in this new chapter of your marriage as well.

 

[TurnedTurtle]

@Mountain House, Have you read  More Than Two?  I found it to be even more practical than Opening Up - it's focused on polyamory but has a lot of good information applicable to any kind of relationship (even monogamy!).  In contrast, I found Opening Up to be more of a survey of different types of open relationships.

 

@AFish I think there are several of us here who are right around the same place you are at, some who've made the jump to opening up, others (like myself) still teetering on the edge....

 

[Mountain House]

5 hours ago, TurnedTurtle said:

Have you read  More Than Two?

I have not.  I couldn't find it at a library that lends e-books.  I have visited Franklin Veaux's website though and think that there are good bits there.

I'm going to add a caveat to this book: polyamory's #metoo | herstories (polyamory-metoo.com) and a bit from Eve Rickert, the co-author: Thoughts on the Fifth Anniversary of More Than Two | Brighter Than Sunflowers

 

So, except that I believe the relationship stories in the book to be fiction, the information I've gleaned from what I can read and the web site look to be a good primer on polyamory in general.

 

I like Opening Up because it starts with the idea that the reader is teetering  at the edge of societal prescriptive monogamy, processes through many forms of ethically valid relationship types, includes a decent workup of jealousy, and leaves the reader to choose their own style.  Personal monogamy included.  I think it also works pretty well as a "book club" style read for a couple.

[TurnedTurtle]

Thanks for that information, I  was not aware of the history.  Mainly, I found the information in Part 2 of the book  ("The Poly Toolkit") to be useful myself for strengthening any relationship, not just poly ones.

[meowmura]

i'm here because many of my friends have come out to me as asexual as well as my ex which shocked me since we participated in sexual actions, and he seemed to be interested in it. i'm of course, very supportive of his coming out, but i feel a little alarmed because i feel like he should've told me when we were togeher because i probably was a bad partner since i'm so sex-positive and he was apparently ace. i wish i had known. things probably would've gone much differently and we maybe could've still been together.

[AFish]

Thank you @Mountain House.  I really appreciate all of your feedback. 

 

My husband and I have both read love languages.  He still has a difficult time speaking to me in mine, but I think he's trying.  I've asked him to go to counseling with me.  He's not really on board with the idea just yet, but he's getting there.  I've also given him some of the literature I've read and I've tried to start dialogue with him about being asexual.  He's still very defensive about it all.  I bring it up and he completely shuts down and begins to tell me why what I've said, or who I've quote or the book I'm reading is stupid.  I know it's his ego dealing with feelings of inadequacy, but I'm struggling just as much as he is.  I've been dealing with those feelings for a long time now so I can relate to his feelings.  He's not very good at sharing his feelings, which makes this so much harder.  

 

 

[uhtred]

On 1/21/2021 at 1:52 PM, AFish said:

Hi all,

 

I'm new here.  I joined because my husband is asexual.  We have been together for going on 8 years and we have never had sex.  Only recently has it come out that he is asexual.  

 

Our relationship started on very shaky ground and honestly, it continued that way for a long time.  I can't even tell you for sure that I think it's much better at the moment.  It's getting better as we are finally addressing the elephant that has been in the room the last 8 years.  I'm not a super sexual person. I 100% know that about myself so when we first started dating this wasn't a huge deal.  Of course we fought about it.  and only occasionally did we have any sexual contact.  Eventually we got engaged and married.  I'm not convinced it wasn't for his mother, who's health was unfortunately failing.  She passed about 1.5 years after we got married in 2016.  I said yes, because I love him.  I felt that deep emotional connection with him at the time.  Over time that feeling has faded because I am still a sexual person and I cannot seem to separate love and sex.  I know he loves me, but I am really beginning to question whether I can stay married to him or not.  But I love him... 

 

After a lot of fighting, crying and compromise, we have decided to have an open relationship.  I AM TERRIFIED.  This is completely uncharted territory for me and I don't even know how you do it.  I do not want to continually have new partners.  I would prefer to have one, but how does that even work?  What happens when I become emotionally attached to that person?  I know that the label is polyamory, but I don't know how to navigate those waters.  I do not want to hurt my husband, another person and myself and I am afraid that all roads lead to doom. 

I think you need to start by doing some really honest thinking yourself.  Lets say you find a partner for an open relationship - and you get all the sex and sexual intimacy you have been missing for these last 8 years.  You kiss, cuddle, make love, and fall asleep in each others arms.   Can you then keep your sense of love and affection for your husband?

 

I'm a man in a long marriage to an asexual woman. My wife would never accept an open relationship - but also I've never asked. I know that for me it could never be only sex.  I might think that I could just F someone for the physical fun  - but deep down I know that I could not.  I know that if I found another lover (with or without my wife's permission) my marriage would end.

 

You need to ask yourself that question - are you able to have sex and not get attached?   If not, then you need to ask yourself if you are willing to live in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life.   The 8 years you have been married may seem very long, but from the perspective of a >35 year marriage, I'll say that you have a lot of life ahead of you.  Can you be happy living the way you have been living?  Only you can know that. 

 

You say you are a "very sexual person".  Should you be married to an asexual man?

 

(fell free to PM if you want to talk)

[Traveler40]

18 hours ago, uhtred said:

You need to ask yourself that question - are you able to have sex and not get attached?   If not, then you need to ask yourself if you are willing to live in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life. 

Why is it an either/or situation?  Both/and exists....

[uhtred]

8 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Why is it an either/or situation?  Both/and exists....

It someone gets attached when they have sex, I think it will be difficult for them to maintain their primary sexless marriage.  It may work for some people though. 

[Traveler40]

3 hours ago, uhtred said:

It someone gets attached when they have sex, I think it will be difficult for them to maintain their primary sexless marriage.  It may work for some people though. 

Like everything in life, it depends on many factors. I used to think as you do, but have learned otherwise through trial and error. What I once took as gospel was only true because I assumed most of the extrapolations. That and perhaps fear of the unknown...

 

Anyhow, the cast of characters plays a big part and could make all the difference. The “mind reader” problem per @Mountain Houseis real though, and being cognizant of that is important in any relationship. 

[Ceebs]

12 hours ago, uhtred said:

It someone gets attached when they have sex, I think it will be difficult for them to maintain their primary sexless marriage.  It may work for some people though. 

Yeah, this. I definitely believe it works for some people -- Traveler's experience (and I think those of several others that I've read over the years) is evidence of that -- and why on earth would I ever try to tell someone that I know more about their experiences than they do? But yeah, that's how it works for me. It's not even exclusive to a sexual mismatch. If a relationship isn't working in some critical way, if it's unfulfilling, my brain starts becoming open to the possibility of finding something better with someone else. If I find that someone else, my feelings for my partner kind of just... gradually switch off.

 

I actually used to entertain the idea of staying with my husband in some sort of platonic companionship thing, though. For many reasons. We got along as friends -- still do -- and have history together and it would be easy enough (kinda) and I didn't feel confident that I would find anyone else who would be ok with the complications present in my life (primarily mental health struggles). And then I became involved with someone else (first not really in an above-board way, then openly), but that situation was a mess too in its own way. I got to feel wanted in some ways, I got to feel like I had a more intense connection, the sexual compatibility was better... but I ultimately realised she didn't want to be fully in my life. She mostly wanted me to stay with my husband because she didn't want to deal with stuff in her own life. I realised I didn't want that, that I couldn't be ok with two half-assed relationships. I wanted the full thing, with just one person. (And on top of that, it was toxic. It was actually more painful than the relationship with my husband.) So my brain started checking out and I found another connection. Which apart from being currently divided by the fucking Atlantic Ocean, isn't missing a single thing (yes, even sexually, despite the distance haha).

 

So I've realised I have no ability to maintain much interest in multiple relationships. I'm pretty monogamous by nature. I just... my brain strays when I'm unhappy. And it doesn't at all when I am. I don't think I could be completely fulfilled by having various things with different people.

[Traveler40]

I think @ryn2 said it best in another thread: 

 

Life happens, entanglements happen and solutions aren’t always so clean and clearcut @CBC! Keeping all balls in the air is a juggling act and may be an exception to the rule. 

 

You and Tele (love you guys💕) are both free in ways I’m not and therefore have the luxury of simpler choices. Lives well lived is the goal for all, regardless of how we get there.
 

That, and I aim for as little collateral damage as possible. It’s funny to see how avenues open up once the mind does. Circumstances convolute things in ways that make accounting tough. Mine is a perspective that many don’t have, so it’s hard to break down anyhow. 

[Ceebs]

Just now, Traveler40 said:

Life happens, entanglements happen and solutions aren’t always so clean and clearcut @CBC! Keeping all balls in the air is a juggling act and may be an exception to the rule. 

Life sure does happen, yeah. But yep, I get it. Grateful I don't have kids and all that. I/we do have other obstacles, but not the same ones as you have to navigate. I do imagine it has to be quite a juggling act... I'm impressed that you manage it. And glad that you've got something that seems to be working.  
 

3 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

You and Tele (love you guys💕) 

Aww, back atcha. ❤️
 

(We love us too, hahaha.)

 

4 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Lives well lived is the goal for all, regardless of how we get there.

Ohhh yes, couldn't agree with this more.

[KNJ]

On 9/26/2010 at 3:33 AM, Tapestry said:

I am a sexual female. I have been married to my asexual husband for over 16 years and have three kids (thank goodness for adoption! lol). He was interested in sex before we got married, but it turned off like a switch during the honeymoon and has been that way ever since. He has no explanation for why this happened. I find I sometimes feel so resentful and deceived. It's so hard to deal with. I used to always think my husband just wasn't into me or that I was unattractive, but a few years ago I started looking for a "cause", so to speak. Eventually found this site, pretty much when I was at the point I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and might jump on some random strange man walking down the street. Then I started getting depressed again and had to stop thinking about it and had to take a break from reading online and Aven, and now I've started thinking about it again and decided to reconnect with Aven. It's really helpful for me to talk with people in the same situation. I had talked to my husband a lot after finding Aven, and he agreed that he is asexual (had never heard of it before). I'm so conflicted...feel like I can't keep living like this but don't want to put my kids through a divorce, so I live in limbo. Unfortunately on top of no sex we have absolutely no intimacy or affection of any kind. My husband pretty much doesn't talk to me. I'm thankful he's a good father. I'm 38 and my kids are 3, 6, and almost-8. I've been trying to throw myself into activities and am planning to go back to college in the next year or so for a career change, but still, there is such emptiness in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Happy to be back here and hope to learn and share with you all. :)

Hi, 

Same situation here, except I am nearly ten years older than you. I do not really have anybody to talk to who is in the same situation, hence I stopped to talk about it even to my closest friends. I feel pretty isolated, and it effects all areas of my life. Of course, I do a lot of activities myself, I am busy with my business, and my husband is really a wonderful partner and father, so I am not thinking of leaving him. We have a nice life, we let each other grow - and I think it is very important. But it would help me so much if time after time I can talk to someone, who is in the same situation. If you think so, I would be happy to reach out in private message. 

[Mountain House]

Hi @KNJ,

You're probably pretty close to the same age as @Tapestry, her post is 10 years old.  😉

That said, you are among friends that understand.  I went back and read your first thread, how have things progressed?  Of course you may want to keep that conversation private so you don't need to answer that.

[Fallen Unicorn]

Hi again guys, another situation has occurred in which I would like to share and receive input and/or advice. However, it doesn't involve any asexual people, so I don't know if it's still okay to post on here, or if anyone would still be open to giving their input on the matter. 

[Ceebs]

@Fallen Unicorn Sure, go for it, IMO. I used SPFA as a bit of an outlet for things a little over a year ago when my previous relationship was going up in flames, and there were no asexuals involved there. If this is a place you feel comfortable posting, I don't see it being reasonable to say you can't.

 

Can't guarantee I'll be able to reply immediately myself because I'm a zillion degrees of tired here, but I'm sure someone will be along...

[Traveler40]

Shoot! I’m half heartedly watching TV, reading the news and scanning AVEN for zero new content - NEW CONTENT! Bring it. Maybe I can help.

 

✋🏼 I’m along Ceebs!

[Ceebs]

Aaaaand... there's Traveler, lol.

[ScottWnyc]

Happy International Asexuality Day to our asexual friends and loved ones as well as to their sexual partners and allies. 
 

Love comes in many shapes and forms

[ScottWnyc]

On 2/25/2021 at 4:07 AM, KNJ said:

Hi, 

Same situation here, except I am nearly ten years older than you. I do not really have anybody to talk to who is in the same situation, hence I stopped to talk about it even to my closest friends. I feel pretty isolated, and it effects all areas of my life. Of course, I do a lot of activities myself, I am busy with my business, and my husband is really a wonderful partner and father, so I am not thinking of leaving him. We have a nice life, we let each other grow - and I think it is very important. But it would help me so much if time after time I can talk to someone, who is in the same situation. If you think so, I would be happy to reach out in private message. 

There’s so much shame pushed on us by the “normal relationship” world. Of course there’s no such thing as “normal.”

 

An asexual man is made to feel like less of a man. His partners made to feel less attractive, less successful as a mate. 
 

An asexual woman is made to feel like a “shrew.”  Her partner must be a wimp. 
 

It’s all shame & labels from the outside looking in. I’m a sexual male in an asexual relationship for over 30 years. It’s very supportive emotionally intimate, so finding the other dimension outside the relationship is a small price to pay. 
 

Of course, it’s all got to be above board, truthful, and yet discreet, or else the label I get is “cheater.”

 

Shame & labels...

[Fallen Unicorn]

On 3/31/2021 at 9:21 PM, CBC said:

Sure, go for it, IMO. I used SPFA as a bit of an outlet for things a little over a year ago when my previous relationship was going up in flames, and there were no asexuals involved there. If this is a place you feel comfortable posting, I don't see it being reasonable to say you can't.

 

Can't guarantee I'll be able to reply immediately myself because I'm a zillion degrees of tired here, but I'm sure someone will be along...

 

On 3/31/2021 at 9:21 PM, Traveler40 said:

Shoot! I’m half heartedly watching TV, reading the news and scanning AVEN for zero new content - NEW CONTENT! Bring it. Maybe I can help.

 

✋🏼 I’m along Ceebs!

Nvm, I got the situation figured out. Thank you though, how is everyone else doing? 🙂

[Ceebs]

33 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Nvm, I got the situation figured out.

Oh, glad to hear it.  Always feel free to post whatever though! That's what AVEN is for.

 

33 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

how is everyone else doing? 🙂

Aha. Relationship-wise, abso-bloody-lutely brilliant... and the rest of my life, well, either excruciatingly boring or some form of dumpster fire. My mental health isn't the greatest and I've got upcoming surgery stuff that terrifies the shit out of me, but hey ho. At least I have My Person... even with a damn ocean in between right now, I couldn't ask for a more wonderful or supportive one.

 

Realised earlier it would've been my tenth wedding anniversary with my ex today. Divorce still not finalised but the relationship's been over for three years now. All very amicable and everything. I don't really have any emotions about it, so it's not sad or otherwise upsetting in any way. Well, other than I feel guilt for perhaps disappointing the people who liked us as a couple (most notably the friend who was one of our witnesses at our wedding and got all emotional and cried at the ceremony and blah blah blah)... but, whatever. My only thought is that I'm glad 'Is this all there is?' wasn't true... and I feel like a bit of a bitch for thinking that cos he's a good person, but. Ohhh well. 

[Ceebs]

Thought I'd link @Nowhere Girl's thread over in the Census forum here, for the folks who don't really venture outside of SPFA. I know many of you follow this thread, so. She's looking from input from members who are 'monosexual' (exclusively straight or gay).

 

 

[Ceebs]

(CW: A huge amount of gratuitous sap ahead.)

 

I don't know where else this belongs exactly, but somewhere in SPFA seemed appropriate since there's no asexuality involved here haha, yet AVEN is the reason I get to post this at all, so. This 'Fellow Sexuals' thread will do.

 

Shoutout to @Telecaster68, who for Very Unfair Moderation-Related Reasons does not have the ability to reply to this, but will at least be able to read it. Thank you for every single day of the past year. Even the ones where I've felt like shit, because you've always been there -- even though 'there' involves a bloody ocean in between right now (fuck COVID and distance in general). I woke up on the morning of the 17th of May, 2020 with no idea that by the end of it, we'd be... erm... well, whatever the events of that day made us, lol. And we quickly realised they made us a Thing. A couple. Because it was so very obvious that we're each other's Person. (I mean, now you know that I figured you were probably My Person way way wayyyyy before that haha, but ya know... Density. And that's why Persistence.)

 

And now it's been a whole year. Thank you for being the most loving, kind, caring, reassuring and supportive person who's ever been in my life. Thank you for all the understanding. And for making me laugh so much, for the endless conversations about absolutely anything and everything, for the extensive music nerdery (and general nerdery obvs, but especially the music nerdery), for the ridiculous shit about squirrels and octopuses and badgers and poutines (no that's not a typo, for anyone else reading this; I did indeed mean 'poutines' rather than 'poutine'), for understanding Fuzzies, for making me even more #BasicallyBritish (whilst becoming a little more Canadian yourself), for being the best part of my life even though other aspects of my existence are a goddamn mess lol, for being the best friend I've ever had, for the sap (good lord, we really are disgustingly sappy), and of course... because we're us... The Filth. God, I do love The Filth. 

 

Happy one year, love. I'm sorry it's not being spent in a cottage on the coast of Newfoundland, with a soundtrack of Alan Doyle and Great Big Sea and Simon & Garfunkel and Dire Straits and Garnet Rogers and Thea Gilmore and... okay I'll stop now, or I'll be here all day... but on the other hand that doesn't really matter, because the point is still that we've got each other. And god bless the existence and usefulness of dragon porn even though neither of us has even the slightest bit of interest in it.

 

🐙

 

(You had to know this would end with an octopus...)

[Ceebs]

Also, irony (is it irony, or just a fortuitous coincidence?) is your ex telling you that you have an appointment in a couple days to sign divorce papers on the day of your first anniversary with your current partner, lol. All very amicable and everything. We have to sign them in the fucking car park outside the notary's office. 😂 #COVIDthings

 

It's been nearly three years kinda-sorta in the works, soooo...