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ryn2

“Romance” and “romantic love” are not the same thing.

 

@Apostle, do (or did, at any past point,) you feel differently about/towards your partners (again, past or present) than you do about your good friends or your family members?

 

If so, is/was the difference solely that you want/wanted to have sex with your partners, or is/was wanting to have sex with your partners a part of loving them in a different way than you do your friends or family members?

 

If there is/was no difference, and all your life your partners have solely been “friends with benefits,” then you are likely aromantic.

 

However, if there *has* been a difference in the type/nature of the love you experience for your partners... the common term for that difference - that “partner-specific” love - is “romantic love.”  It’s just what it’s called.  It doesn’t imply that the love between partners is a fairy tale or that it is somehow not based in all the positives you listed.  It’s just the category name, like “platonic love” for friends and “familial love” for family members.

 

The term gets used a lot here because it’s the wish/ability to feel “partner-specific” love that distinguishes aces who want to be in partnered relationships from those who prefer to remain alone/surround themselves with friendships.  For sexual people it’s the majority default so the exceptions (e.g., “eternal bachelor”) tend to get more mention.

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Apostle
On 3/26/2019 at 10:20 AM, ryn2 said:

 

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ryn2

What term would you prefer to use to describe the kind of love you have only for partners (but not family or friends)?

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Apostle
On 3/26/2019 at 12:32 PM, ryn2 said:

 

 

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SusannaC

Apostle,   I think you are especially bitter with the concept of romantic love-romance- because your life with your wife has taken this direction.  This is sad, but I suppose it’s how you must deal with the relationship you have.

I am flattered that you say romance is for young girls-because that must mean I am young🥰!!!!!  Seriously though, I believe romantic love exists and can remain in a relationship - though the expression of this love may change with time and not be as apparent and a lovestruck teen at a Beatles concert.  Perhaps romance doesn’t exist forever in some relationships like yours.  Romantic love is certainly more than mystery and fantasy though-it’s a feeling of contentment and peace with ones partner, attraction that lasts and pulls you towards your partner.  

 

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anisotrophic
3 hours ago, Apostle said:

Reality bites when the realisation kicks in and, as you have stated, your several long term relationships have obviously never lasted. Was it because of your dreams of romantic bliss that would last forever or was it that your partners couldn't live up to your expectations of a long term romance? 

You are a narcissistic bloviating ass, and -- in contrast to other sexual men in the forums -- exactly the sort of masculinity I have no desire for. You demonstrate no memory of who I am.

 

My romance does not evaporate with time, it hardens to a mettle that pulls us through hard times. The dreams become reality, as we become so much more together than we would have been apart.

 

It is a relationship that now matures to transcend shifts in gender and orientation. We have children. It's going strong after a decade and a half.

 

I hope my more recent love bears similar fruit, perhaps transmuted to a more platonic form, but there is no disillusionment. I fall in love with a potential, not an illusion, and I have been fortunate to see those potentials realized.

 

All this comes with lust, set aside or channeled if I must. To hear a breath catch as my hands press against the heat of a partner's body, to taste them, to hear the groan of desire -- oh, I'm pretty sure I'm sexual too. My ability to bank those fires does not mean they do not burn within me.

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

I'm not sure why people want to be pigeon holed by specific types of love.

It’s handy to have a quick reference term for things, as opposed to having to type out the full explanation every time.  E.g., it’s easier to say someone is built like a distance runner than it is to explain the type of musculature they have in their arms, core, and legs.  Likewise, it’s much faster to say someone is male than it is to list all the components of maleness.

 

Using that type of common shorthand isn’t typically intended to pigeonhole people.  It just facilitates discussion.

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Apostle
On 3/26/2019 at 1:24 PM, SusannaC said:

 

 

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Apostle
On 3/26/2019 at 1:51 PM, anisotrophic said:

 

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anisotrophic
Just now, Apostle said:

But are you married to an asexual?

Yes. He now identifies as asexual. It's been quite the topic of domestic conversation this last year.

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Apostle
On 3/26/2019 at 4:22 PM, anisotrophic said:

 

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, Apostle said:

So how do you feel about your own sexuality in this relationship?

Can you express it as you honestly want to? Bear in mind that females generally are less endowed with testosterone than males and this may make a difference to your connection.


You are so consistently replete with hilariously gendered statements.

If I feel desire, I can take the lead, I can ask for what I want, respectfully, and I express gratitude. I know I'm not desired, I'm done with feeling bad about that. I ask for other affirmations. I'm allowed to have sex with others, I don't have time to exercise that option. Not ideal but I'm a hell of a lot better than I was before we understood it.

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Sally
5 hours ago, Apostle said:

It doesn't matter how many comments are made, usually by asexuals/pansexuals/romantics/aromantics, they are not in my shoes and should therefore respect how I and others in our situation feel.

 

And you should do the same, which hasn't been evident in your coments.  

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ryn2
6 hours ago, Apostle said:

asexuals/pansexuals/romantics/aromantics

I missed this until Sally’s post...  why did the poor pansexuals get singled out?  Taken collectively they have the potential to sexually desire more people than do any other group.

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I missed this until Sally’s post...  why did the poor pansexuals get singled out?  Taken collectively they have the potential to sexually desire more people than do any other group.

He listed romantics and aromantics.

It's not communication, it's word salad.

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ryn2
22 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

He listed romantics and aromantics.

I gave that the benefit of the doubt and figured it meant aro and romantic aces, but the pansexuals?  I’m confused.

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Sally

The whole thing is confusing.

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Serran
16 minutes ago, Sally said:

The whole thing is confusing.

Quite. 

 

I guess at my 30s I am a young girl as well.. since I have all those squishy romantic feels for my spouse. Though, I can control them at this age, but they are still there and knowing myself, always will be. 

 

I also guess I am being called ace again for not considering sex so all consuming important... yet I also have boxes of sex toys and initiated quite a hot session with my spouse cause I wanted it just this week. Hm. I am fine when she isnt into sex for a while though and if it extended to not wanting it anymore I would still be fine. Miss it, sure, but we have so much more than that I dont feel as if I need it. 

 

Or maybe human sexuality is varied and not all sexuals feel the same just like not all aces feel the same ... *shrug*

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Fallen Unicorn
42 minutes ago, Serran said:

I also guess I am being called ace again for not considering sex so all consuming important... yet I also have boxes of sex toys and initiated quite a hot session with my spouse cause I wanted it just this week. Hm. I am fine when she isnt into sex for a while though and if it extended to not wanting it anymore I would still be fine. Miss it, sure, but we have so much more than that I dont feel as if I need it. 

 

Or maybe human sexuality is varied and not all sexuals feel the same just like not all aces feel the same ... *shrug*

Perhaps, I haven't read a lot of posts on here. But from what I'm reading from this post, I envy you. I tried making a relationship work with an asexual person, and I couldn't because I didn't want to change who I was. It caused me too much pain, cause sexuality is one of the biggest focuses of my life (especially since I write about it a lot in my books). I wish I didn't value sex so much sometimes.

 

If I may ask, what is a Ricmediesexual? Google has failed me on this question.

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Serran
6 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Perhaps, I haven't read a lot of posts on here. But from what I'm reading from this post, I envy you. I tried making a relationship work with an asexual person, and I couldn't because I didn't want to change who I was. It caused me too much pain, cause sexuality is one of the biggest focuses of my life (especially since I write about it a lot in my books). I wish I didn't value sex so much sometimes.

 

If I may ask, what is a Ricmediesexual? Google has failed me on this question.

Oh, dont envy me. I thought I was ace for a while, because I kept getting with people who wanted very traditional sexual relationships. I didn't feel sexual desire until 30, because I was just so stressed out having to do stuff I didn't like or want all the time. Met my partner on AVEN, who used to ID as ace as well but... turns out she was in a similar boat with just not liking certain acts most people need (oral, PiV). We got together and neither pressured the other and we developed sexual attraction to each other, just from the connection and freedom to not have to do anything we didn't want to do. Turns out the only thing that turns me on is someone not stressing about getting sexual acts out of me, then I can be quite interested in them. :lol:

 

So, Im not "normal" but also certainly not ace... aces dont form a sexual bond and have frequent sexual interaction out of their own desires.

 

There is nothing wrong with valuing sex. I just get annoyed when people insist there is only one way to feel and that is miserable and unable to be romantically interested without it... human sexuality is quite varied. You can love the sexual connection but still be able to romantically adore someone if its lost. A lot cannot, but some can. 

 

And ricmedisexual is a joke. On AVEN they have a ton of labels that I end up googling ... so me and my partner (who I call Ric) came up with a latiny way of saying im medium sexual just for her (since shes the only person who has ever sparked that feeling in me) for the fun of having a label people will probably google and not find. 

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Apostle
On 3/27/2019 at 3:54 AM, Fallen Unicorn said:

 

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Apostle
On 3/27/2019 at 3:10 AM, Serran said:

 

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Apostle
On 3/26/2019 at 7:48 PM, anisotrophic said:


 

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Serran
18 minutes ago, Apostle said:

'Cause I wanted it'. 

Really? Sounds like you've got it all under control in that department then!

Yeah.. I have a person that doesn't mind if I initiate cause I want something. 😛 She does the same when she wants it. Go figure. 

 

But, when she says no sex for months thats OK too. And if those months become years, thats OK too. We both know its possible at some point in the future one of us might not want it anymore. 

 

Which, point was, obviously not ace if Im initiating cause I want my partner to give me that. :lol: Yet, I still don't find it as important as some others and I dont need it for the romantic connection. Cause humans are varied. 

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ryn2
2 hours ago, Serran said:

There is nothing wrong with valuing sex. I just get annoyed when people insist there is only one way to feel and that is miserable and unable to be romantically interested without it... human sexuality is quite varied. You can love the sexual connection but still be able to romantically adore someone if its lost. A lot cannot, but some can. 

It’s certainly possible that other people - and even I - could have this same experience (I mean, both you and your partner did, so it’s not even just you).  It’s one of those things you don’t know can/will happen until it happens.

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Kimchi Peanut

“Humans are varied” answers so many questions posed on AVEN...

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anisotrophic
15 hours ago, Apostle said:

Seems to be all about you, you you then.

Duh yeah? What'd you expect, my asexual partner wants to have sex?

 

I'm like an ace pickup artist. I'm full of tips. Be the chore! Embrace seeking charity! Gratitude's good, I recommend saying "thank you".

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Asearching

New to this thread, but not new to being a sexual married to an asexual.  What a situation, eh?  Lots of perspectives here - some I relate to, some I don’t.  My wife (of 9 years - out asexually last year) is not repulsed by sex, but unenthusiatic.  We have sex maybe once a month and honestly, that would be fine.  But what I can’t live without is passionate kissing, flirting, innuendo.  She is turned off by that and that is what sustains me when we can’t or aren’t up to have sex (kids, chores, work, etc.).  I don’t even really need sex, but I need to feel sexual - need that teasing, wanting, etc.  Anyone else find the idea of sexual banter/tension/kissing almost more fulfilling as sex itself?  I don’t think I can be with a partner who has dispassionate intercourse every few weeks to fulfill a perceived obligation to me.  I want a partner who genuinely enjoys romance and seeks her own sexual passion.  Intercourse or not, I think it’s the “want” that is so hard to live without.  Am I alone?

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anisotrophic
48 minutes ago, Asearching said:

My wife (of 9 years - out asexually last year) is not repulsed by sex, but unenthusiatic.  We have sex maybe once a month and honestly, that would be fine.  But what I can’t live without is passionate kissing, flirting, innuendo.  She is turned off by that and that is what sustains me when we can’t or aren’t up to have sex (kids, chores, work, etc.).  I don’t even really need sex, but I need to feel sexual - need that teasing, wanting, etc.

Here, I dug this up for you...

 

An ideal I try to strive for is for both partners to be & feel loved for the sexuality they have. If an asexual partner feels pressured to be different, they feel unloved for who they are. And yet being unable to express our attraction, as sexuals, may make us feel unloved for who we are.

My partner and I had therapy -- if you haven't tried it, consider it.  Improving communication might help, reflecting on the "how" you do things and "what" you need. The thread I linked above had an interesting conclusion.

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Fallen Unicorn
46 minutes ago, Asearching said:

Anyone else find the idea of sexual banter/tension/kissing almost more fulfilling as sex itself?

Oh I definitely do, that's a big part of the fun.

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