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Fellow Sexuals

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ryn2
2 hours ago, alibali said:

 

I would imagine it is easier to recognise a positive orientation than a negative or certainly indifferent one. I think most people would know they identify as gay or straight.

 

*nods*  I know for me I always knew I was not interested in any way in other women.  It wasn’t something I questioned and had shamed out of me... it was just never there.

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Apostle
On 3/20/2019 at 3:00 PM, uhtred said:

 

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Apostle
On 3/20/2019 at 2:39 PM, ryn2 said:

 

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ryn2
15 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Talking about the subject before any commitment is crucial to the long term survival and happiness of both partners. That is my belief and probably that of billions/millions of sexuals across the world.

Talking about it is certainly important but isn’t going to reveal differences people don’t

know can exist.  Some people don’t realize they aren’t going to want sex, or don’t want it the way others do, until they’ve actually had it for a while.  If they’re both part of a religious tradition where it’s supposed to be saved for marriage that’s potentially going to muddy things even further because any discomfort discussing it can be (perhaps mis)interpreted as guilt about thinking sinful thoughts.

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Apostle
On 3/21/2019 at 10:16 AM, ryn2 said:

 

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anisotrophic
19 hours ago, alibali said:

 I think most people would know they identify as gay or straight. May also he harder to identify as bi  or pan or poly as well. It's very complex isn't it.

I think it's interesting that my partner privately identified as bi before ace. My observation is that this mix (questioning between bi and ace) is more common in female aces. I haven't asked if he had romantic feelings for the male partner... but at this point I've dissected this stuff so much, I think I'd rather not annoy him more, heh.

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ryn2
56 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Sex is sinful?

Depending on one’s religious beliefs premarital, extramarital, and even non-procreative sex may be considered sinful.  While I don’t share those religious beliefs personally I can certainly see how holding them could interfere with discovering/recognizing sexual mismatches before marriage.

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uhtred
6 hours ago, Apostle said:

You don't have to have sex before marriage or any other type of relationship in order to make a relationship work, as is determined in the Islamic world for example. Talking about the subject before any commitment is crucial to the long term survival and happiness of both partners. That is my belief and probably that of billions/millions of sexuals across the world.

We don't want to be shackled by existing Victorian convention and, like sexual equality, it's long overdue that sexuality and preference should be discussed between potential partners without embarrassment or prejudice prior to a serious relationship.

The problem though is that people who haven't had sex may not know whether or not they want it.  Someone who is sex repulsed my already know that they don't want sex, but I expect there are others who expect to enjoy sex, but discover that they don't. 

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Apostle
On 3/21/2019 at 4:05 PM, uhtred said:

 

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ryn2
2 hours ago, Apostle said:

Big dilemma for sexuals, isn't it? The most important decision of their lives to possibly hook up with a partner for life and then have the carpet taken from under their feet.

I certainly would not recommend any of my sons to have to go through what I am going through and I have told them of the dangers. To date they have listened to my advice.

 

Helps keep down the population anyway!

That’s why I said a while back that it behooves people for whom sexual compatibility is important to not make relationship decisions until the NRE/infatuation phase is long past.

 

In defense of both sexuals and asexuals, though, until asexuality is widely known the possibility of so wide and unchanging a mismatch is not going to be on most people’s radar.

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Apostle
On 3/22/2019 at 11:28 AM, ryn2 said:

 

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ryn2
55 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Well of course it is, in the context of two people liking the same amount of sexual interaction.

...and that’s something people who can (who are not bound by religious or cultural constraints) should confirm they share before committing.

 

55 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Not sure about infatuation phase though. Doesn't this occur more often in teenagers? I can't say I ever went through an infatuation phase after I left school although perhaps females are more likely to go through this phase than males.

Early on in many relationships people - regardless of age or gender, or sexuality - go through a phase where they are a bit obsessed with the new partner.  Whatever you want to call it (NRE, infatuation, the honeymoon period, etc.), it’s the bit at the beginning where you want to spend tons of time with the person (to the potential detriment of your other responsibilities), everything about them is fascinating, the whole thing is so exciting, etc.  It’s a time when you may be “in love” with the person but don’t really know them well enough to love them for their real self yet.

 

During that time your perception of the relationship is not fully rational.

 

Eventually reality sets back in and you realize you can’t stay up all night during the week forever.  You start noticing your partner has flaws.  You want to spend time alone, with your pets, and with your friends again.  That’s

when you can start rationally assessing your relationship - how much you like the person now that you know them, how compatible you are and in what way, how well your life plans align - and making decisions about whether to continue as is, find someone else, or up the commitment level.

 

People who up the commitment level while they are still in that initial phase are much more likely to discover they were “blinded by love” and made regrettable choices.

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Apostle
On 3/22/2019 at 5:47 PM, ryn2 said:

 

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ryn2
28 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I still believe however that this is down to young love and not to those who are more mature and know a bit about the real world

No, it happens to older (and even old) folks as well.  People with more experience may be better at reminding themselves the feeling will pass, but they still go through it.  It’s a brain chemistry thing.

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Apostle
On 3/23/2019 at 10:44 AM, ryn2 said:

 

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ryn2
3 minutes ago, Apostle said:

If true then probably a very few minority.

No, it’s pretty much everybody.

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

No, it’s pretty much everybody.

Or, I should say, everybody who has the capacity to enter into potentially-lasting romantic and/or sexual relationships.  People who have no interest in being/draw to be in non-platonic relationships with other people probably don’t experience it.

 

I know you (Apostle) struggle with the difference between “romantic” as in the type of attraction/love and “romantic” as in “pertaining to romance,” but I can’t find a less confusing synonym.

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Fallen Unicorn

Hello.

 

I'm a sexual person that is new to this website. I joined because my ex came out to me as asexual during the relationship, and I tried to make it work. I was happy around my partner, but I was having anxiety attacks and I found that the relationship wasn't worth that. I didn't find out that the lack of sex was the reason until a week after.

 

I lost a lot from breaking off that relationship, and I feel stupid sometimes for valuing sex that much. I tell my mother that I should've tried harder, but she reminds me that it would've compromised who I am as a person. And sacrificing that isn't healthy, she refers to it as "sacrificing an arm or a leg." As opposed to a normal, healthy sacrifice in a relationship.

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Skullery Maid

 

 

27 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

 I feel stupid sometimes for valuing sex that much

Don't. Really don't. You saved yourself a ton of pain trying to continue to work on something that wasn't making you feel good. You will fall in love again, and you'll have that sexual element and it'll feel right. I understand the guilt but try to let yourself off the hook. 

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LeChat

@Fallen Unicorn

 

Hi, and welcome! :cake: Your avatar looks cute.

 

 

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ryn2

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Fallen Unicorn
Posted (edited)
On 3/24/2019 at 6:21 PM, Skullery Maid said:

 

 

Don't. Really don't. You saved yourself a ton of pain trying to continue to work on something that wasn't making you feel good. You will fall in love again, and you'll have that sexual element and it'll feel right. I understand the guilt but try to let yourself off the hook. 

Thank you.

Edited by Fallen Unicorn

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Fallen Unicorn
2 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

@Fallen Unicorn

 

Hi, and welcome! :cake: Your avatar looks cute.

 

 

Thank you! 🦄

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uhtred
14 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Hello.

 

I'm a sexual person that is new to this website. I joined because my ex came out to me as asexual during the relationship, and I tried to make it work. I was happy around my partner, but I was having anxiety attacks and I found that the relationship wasn't worth that. I didn't find out that the lack of sex was the reason until a week after.

 

I lost a lot from breaking off that relationship, and I feel stupid sometimes for valuing sex that much. I tell my mother that I should've tried harder, but she reminds me that it would've compromised who I am as a person. And sacrificing that isn't healthy, she refers to it as "sacrificing an arm or a leg." As opposed to a normal, healthy sacrifice in a relationship.

I think you did the right thing ending it.   You will find many long term tales of misery here from people who tried to make an incompatible relationship work. 

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Apostle
On 3/23/2019 at 1:10 PM, ryn2 said:

 

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ryn2
24 minutes ago, Apostle said:

You're obviously not sexual and therefore cannot hope to understand who we sexuals are. 

NRE isn’t a sexual-specific thing - romantic aces experience it as well - but I’m sorry if you found my explanation disrespectful.  That certainly wasn’t my intent.

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ryn2
26 minutes ago, Apostle said:

It's not gone unnoticed that you appear to have an answer for everything, Ryn.

If someone is unhappy with my posts, I’d hope they’d just say so.

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

You're obviously not sexual and therefore cannot hope to understand who we sexuals are.

Ugh, please don't act like you understand me.

 

Ryn is correct, it's not just a young person thing, it keeps happening. I was blindsided by a new crush/love about a couple years ago. I didn't realize I had the capacity for it, but I had the self-awareness to recognize the mental state.

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Skullery Maid
3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

 

Ryn is correct, it's not just a young person thing, it keeps happening. 

I'm 40, I've been in several long term relationships, and I still get spun. Not to mention... I love it. It's a great feeling. 

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Apostle
On 3/25/2019 at 7:26 PM, anisotrophic said:

 

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