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I am sexually.... erratic. I've had asexual phases, hypersexual phases (when I was younger, mostly) and everything in between. My partner is also.... erratic. He has psychological issues, Avoidant Personality disorder, and a fairly low sex drive (he started his thirties a virgin!). He does enjoy sex and is deeply in love with me and very attracted to me, but the attraction is largely mental and even physical (cuddles, affectionate touch). Not so much sexual, though we do have sex on occasion and he does desire me sexually on occasion too - even enough to initiate, particularly now that I've stopped/reduced initiating to give him some sexual space, so to say. But this is very definitely rare. 

 

I am a behavioral geek with considerable experience with psychology, so I was aware of not feeling sexual and hearing the label "asexual" was no big deal. It was a descriptor for a phenomenon I'd already observed - with myself, with others.

 

I joined here mostly because my partner has now found the word and is now finding out more about asexuality. I have no idea what is commonly discussed, so I landed up here to find out. We are happy overall, but I think he has conflicts within himself at times over his lack of sexual desire, which is made worse by having me around, because he is very attached and attracted to me, but it won't always translate to sex, so sometimes it could get really intimate and hover at that level forever without progressing, driving me up the wall with sexual arousal/frustration and him realizing what needed to happen next, but not quite in the mood to proceed and also not really in the mood to stop.

 

That sent him to the opposite end. He feared initiating anything fearing that he couldn't take me through and that wouldn't be fair to me. I stopped initiating and gave him the space to find his inner horniness, so to say - whether sexual or mental or whatever. How long can two people addicted to affection stay away from each other? lol

 

We took things slower and made sure we enjoyed each other. We muddled our way through and figured things out. Can't say it was easy, but it was inevitable, given that we adore each other to bits.


In my view, we are fairly sorted. But now that he has found a term he can actually apply to his view of sexuality, he is exploring it. I can understand that. I'd like to support his self-searching. So I am here to generally absorb the perspectives and such that we will inevitably discuss more. But here too, as I read stories, I'm finding that we are relatively ok. Not so surprising, since we are very happy together.

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Confusedlongtermpartner
On 2010-09-25 at 7:33 PM, Tapestry said:

I am a sexual female. I have been married to my asexual husband for over 16 years and have three kids (thank goodness for adoption! lol). He was interested in sex before we got married, but it turned off like a switch during the honeymoon and has been that way ever since. He has no explanation for why this happened. I find I sometimes feel so resentful and deceived. It's so hard to deal with. I used to always think my husband just wasn't into me or that I was unattractive, but a few years ago I started looking for a "cause", so to speak. Eventually found this site, pretty much when I was at the point I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and might jump on some random strange man walking down the street. Then I started getting depressed again and had to stop thinking about it and had to take a break from reading online and Aven, and now I've started thinking about it again and decided to reconnect with Aven. It's really helpful for me to talk with people in the same situation. I had talked to my husband a lot after finding Aven, and he agreed that he is asexual (had never heard of it before). I'm so conflicted...feel like I can't keep living like this but don't want to put my kids through a divorce, so I live in limbo. Unfortunately on top of no sex we have absolutely no intimacy or affection of any kind. My husband pretty much doesn't talk to me. I'm thankful he's a good father. I'm 38 and my kids are 3, 6, and almost-8. I've been trying to throw myself into activities and am planning to go back to college in the next year or so for a career change, but still, there is such emptiness in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Happy to be back here and hope to learn and share with you all. :)

I'm really glad I found this site and this thread. It's my first post here. I'm sexual and married to my female partner for 25 years. I am deeply interested in getting an understanding of sexual challenges facing my relationship, but am very reluctant to put 'labels', or excuses in the way of genuine understanding.

My wife was sexual at a moderate level when we first met (I had several sexual relationships prior), but her interest started to reduce after six months. For the last fifteen years, we've been a 'once a month' couple. We have, effectively, zero communication about sexuality, eroticism, or challenges facing our relationship. I've spent years trying to understand what I've been doing wrong, until I saw an article some months ago about asexuality. We've spent years in councelling, but always about our relationship as opposed to sexual health. My wife sees any discussion of this topic as a criticism. I dislike using absolutes, but my wife has no interest in anything sexual, either as a discussion or an act. Once a month we 'fool around' briefly, but there is never a discussion afterward.

I've been unable to understand my wife's outlook. I've been massively frustrated for many years, both sexually and emotionally, but have remained 'faithful' throughout. We have three children, mostly grown, and appear from the outside to have the perfect relationship.  Only some of our most intimate family/friends are aware of our challenges. I am now suspecting my wife may be asexual. Having read some of the threads here, many articles are striking a cord with me. I crave understanding.

Edited by Confusedlongtermpartner
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Confusedlongtermpartner
On 2010-10-03 at 4:50 PM, perlsfan said:

I also found this site through a Google search for "asexual." I actually found it a couple of years ago during one of my many attempts at understanding what was going on with my husband. At that time (in my excitement and relief at finding an "answer") I tried to share the information with him. Without going into too much detail I'll just say that it didn't go well. He was not nearly as excited or relieved. In fact, he was angry and hurt and more or less refused to discuss the subject anymore.

Fast forward to today when I woke up frustrated and crying at 5 a.m., again trying to understand what's going on with my husband and our marriage. I don't know how long it's been since our last attempt at sex. Several months at least. As I read through this website I become more and more convinced that my husband truly is asexual. I/We have been through just about everything that has been discussed here. My experience mirrors the experiences of SOOOOO many others. I suppose in some way that is comforting, knowing that I'm not the only one. However, it's also frustrating. It's hard for me to articulate how it's frustrating. Perhaps because I wish I'd known then what I know now. I read in an older post a comment from a man whose wife is asexual, that had he known that in the beginning they may not have gotten married. I struggle with this. I'm not sure what I would have done had I really known it in the beginning. I love my husband, and I feel like I've come a long way in understanding him, but like so many others I am still angry, resentful, hurt, and sad about constantly feeling that I am the one compromising, that I am the only one willing to discuss the topic openly, that I am the only one bothered by our lack of sexual intimacy (and that me being bothered doesn't bother him). Of all of these I'd say the most infuriating for me is the lack of communication. He simply refuses to discuss it.

I have gone through several phases over the years. First I was sad and depressed thinking that it must be my fault. I wasn't doing something right. I wasn't attractive enough. I wasn't lovable. Then I was angry. He assured me it wasn't me. He said he wanted to have a "normal" sex life, and yes his erectile dysfunction bothered him, but he just couldn't do any more than he was doing. At this point I didn't know about asexuality. We fought a lot over sex and over his complete disinterest in getting help for his ED including a vehement refusal to try medication (just the thought induced a panic attack in him). We tried Sensate Focus therapy for the ED (although he wasn't willing to stick with it and I found it terribly frustrating). We tried homeopathic remedies, some of which he still takes every day, although I have no idea why. It has made no difference at all in his desire or ability to have sex. We tried (very briefly) to use other methods of stimulation to which he expressed repulsion or boredom. I am coming into acceptance now that this is not a choice he's made but rather it's just how he is wired. Still I get very angry at the fact that this is not something we can even discuss because he refuses.

And I miss sex. It took me years to get to the point where I felt I COULD enjoy sex and that I COULD have some control over when, how, and with whom I had it. This came after years of feeling like sex was something I was expected to do and not necessarily something that included love, respect, intimacy, etc. Finally, in my 30's, I broke through those beliefs, learned about boundaries, and began to experience for the first time what sexual intimacy really was. And I liked it. No...I loved it. And I just assumed that my husband and I would have it. More than that, I mistook what I know now were signs of his asexuality as signs of his interest in developing a deeper relationship before becoming sexual. I'd had very few experiences with anyone willing to wait for sex, so I took this as a sign that I'd finally found a man who respected me and who wanted something more than just a sexual relationship. This was all true, except that he really never wanted the sexual relationship at all. By his own admission, sex (with another person) is just not something he ever really thought about. Not even as a teenager. But he didn't tell me this up front. He didn't tell me this until one of our many screaming fights about sex during the third year of our marriage.

As I look back over the years (we've been married 5 years now), I can put all the pieces together and clearly see that more likely than not he is asexual. Knowing this should make it easier for me to accept our situation, but the fact that we can't discuss it openly keeps me feeling distant from him. Now, not only are we not sexually connected, but we're also not emotionally connected. Over and over I've read that communication is the key to making a mixed marriage work and the fact that he withdraws, shuts down completely, or gets so angry at the mere mention of the topic puts another layer of distance between us. I'm at a loss. I can't force him to discuss it. I've invited him (gently) many times and in many ways to help me understand what he's feeling, but he won't (can't?)? I honestly think he's in denial. I think he has so many misconceptions himself about what asexuality means that it terrifies him to consider the possibility.

I am thankful for this site because without it I would feel like the only one in the world going through this. I get tired of answering the question "why did you marry him" when I try to talk to my friends about our lack of sexual intimacy. It's nice to have a place where others feel what I'm feeling. I've recommended this site to the only friend I have who understands. He's a sexual homosexual man in a committed relationship (gay marriage isn't legal in his state) with an asexual homosexual man. Until I found this site he was the only one who understood what I was feeling because he felt it, too. Like me (and so many others) he knew nothing about asexuality. Here's to getting the word out and bringing awareness and support to those who are confused.

My wife admitted, after 21 years of marriage, that she had been '...trying on' a personality she described as '...one of the boys', when we first met. It was an epiphany to me, after years of agony trying to understand what had gone wrong, what had changed, why my wife seemed...different. The uptake is, the woman I fell in love with never existed. I now have to live with that.

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Confusedlongtermpartner

I'm looking for indications that my wife may be asexual. Threads here suggest some couples go without sex for years. As a 'Once a month' couple, does that mean that I'm hyper-sexual as opposed to my wife being asexual? The only sexual commmunication from my wife is generally negative. My wife said '...if I never gave you oral sex again, I'd be ok with that'. This was not said in anger, but in a very rare moment of candid conversation. This was shared after 22 years of marriage. I feel cheated and betrayed that something so intimate, for so many years, was a lie. How do I now enjoy this sex act with my partner, that is important to me. 

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Confusedlongtermpartner
On 2017-10-29 at 1:00 AM, MrDane said:

Hi @citradelic

feel free to write a personal message, i am sharing your pain and trying to work through similar experience. Married 15+, wife didnt know (or tell) for the first 10+ years. Kids, and happy on all other levels, than intimacy/sex. No, nothing to do makes her turned on by the thougth of sex. My experience has been, that it helps to make sex more systematic, by agreed upon schedule and more like a massage than a sexy-times session. 

I also thougth our sex life was a mutual project for us to explore, and now it is only for me. Even if she enjoys parts of it, then there is always the "i dont need it. Never has, never will"

Thank you both for sharing. I relate very well to both of you. I have a family that I will not break up for the sake of myself, but some days I'm in agony. The life partner I thought I would be sharing and exploring our sex life together...only to have it crumble away.

Edited by Confusedlongtermpartner
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12 hours ago, Confusedlongtermpartner said:

How do I now enjoy this sex act with my partner, that is important to me.

Can you see it as a gift, from your wife, given to you?

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8 hours ago, roland.o said:

Can you see it as a gift, from your wife, given to you?

Sex can be given, but desire cannot if it doesn't naturally exist.  For some people being desired is as or more important than the sex act itself

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I'm sexual and I'm here to try to learn to cope better with my (recently found asexual) wife. I want to support and understand her in everything i can. 
If anyone needs the opinion of a sexual male, feel free to PM me. If i can i share ;)

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I already made a post on other part of the forum explaining my "new adventure", but thank you.

I try to keep my mind open, try to understand her and understand myself more. Its not easy for both sides (especially when we are sooo oposite) but we manage day by day ;)

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  • 4 weeks later...
mrbeanatural

My idea has been shot down on here before as inappropriate. But I still say there should be a dating site for sexuals in long-term relationships with asexuals. I think it could be very beneficial for all involved.

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The issues, whatever the intimacy or asexual differences stem from, you are kidding yourself if you think you can change them or help them over the bend. 

 

This is who they are as human beings. In my case, my spouse was offended when he FINALLY could tell true words. He was offendended that I was trying to “change him.”

 

He was afraid of speaking his truth. 

 

But, ultimately, he was trying to have an asexual marriage to a sexual woman. 

 

He was intimidated after marriage! 

In the privacy of their own blogs, they talk without very many feelings.  It’s a different world.  

 

I think it is is equally as challenging for some asexuals (Aspergers in my case) to wrap their head around the mysteries of feelings, as it is for a sexual to wrap their head around how a person who says they love you, but you can clearly see that they don’t mean it in an intentional or feeling way. 

 

I think thats when the dynamic shifts. Some people don’t have the genetics for intimate relationships.  Sure, he could have sex.  He just had so many sensory things overwhelming him.  He spent his entire life hiding his issues.  So, I’m retrospec, why should I have expected him to continue to function in a way that was really bothersome to him?

 

He didn’t present himself to me as a sensory sensitive asexual.  So I expected a somewhat normal marriage and even possibly children when we married in our young thirties.!

 

Since autistics are in the minority, they naturally date and marry (often overly sensitive) and kind people. 

 

Think about it. (If it relates to a sexual in this audience).  If all you could go on as a person who cannot be in touch with feelings, you would want to relate to the best possible ideals, and find a partner who meets your social scripts. 

 

Its like a dog and a cat playing house. 

 

You “get” each other. You do actions to show love to each other. But, sadly, in autism cases, the neurotypical lives a very lonely and unfulfilled life. 

 

My spouse knew he was different. 

It took me a few newly-wed years to drag any shred of truth out of him. When I did finally start to put it together, because I wanted to get answers to make things work, I was already super frustrated. 

 

He canot deal deal with negativity. 

 

So, instead of comforting me, he left.  All of this.  My child-bearing Years... gone. 

 

We we all have gone through so much. 

Asexuals- knowing the words of their confused partners.  Sexuals - knowing the words of what they thought was normal and turned out not to be so. 

 

Its rough all around.  I think my best wishes right now would be that asexuals who are coupled with sexual partners... that they will (if the partner is a good person), be honest about your past relationships. What worked and didn’t. 

 

If youre an asexual, be honest if your partner is committed. 

 

If youre a sexual, and you are in a relationship that is draining you because you are giving every shred of yourself to the point where you have landed on the asexual website... I would say that’s a person who is well intentioned, and probably really hurting. 

 

For you, if you are hurting.  

 

First.  I’m sorry for what you’re going through. No one plans for their life to be in a place of confusion or heart pains.  And, you’re probably not a fool, making only foolish choices to be in that place. 

 

I completely believe that people who are hurting from asexual relationships (who are themselves Sexuals) are sought after partners because of their immense ability to care for others.  Because of their principles. 

 

It hurts only because we care that much. Because we understand the implications of what a person’s words and actions do to us, or to others.  Take comfort in knowing that you might very well have been chosen as a partner by someone who doesn’t have the ability to understand these nuances.  That is a huge compliment.

 

Ultimatly, only time will tell if you can hang in there, or if you or your partner want something different.  Sometimes God can help to move this process along. Prayer. 

 

Asexuals and sexuals are both people. Just living in different worlds sometimes. 

 

For me, as you may see, empathy was the deal-breaker for me.

 

It’s both of your lives to live. 

 

After six six months of separation to the man I wanted to be the father of my children, at one point, it’s become clearer to me that he just wasn’t a good partner for me. 

 

I can preface that with saying I never really had a choice.  If you’re a neurotypical person with someone who might have autism, don’t anticipate having mutual input into the direction of the relationship.  It will never happen. 

 

 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
emptynesters

I'm here because after 30+ years of marriage with little sex and that sex was out of obligation.  After googling about sexless marriage, ways to make your wife want you etc. I stumbled on this site.  Had never heard of the term asexual before and thought it sounded like my wife.  I want to get more insight into what she feels (or doesn't feel) and hopefully ways I can learn to deal with it.  As a male with a high sex drive I crave not only the act of sex but the emotions that go along with it.  I am pushing 60 years old and feel I   may never know what it's like to have a hot sex life or ever see or help a woman have an orgasm.  She has told me numerous times it was not my fault but after finding this site I actually believe her. 

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TheRedShirt

I found the site by Googling "living with an asexual spouse". Started reading threads from people whose stories felt similar to mine, and thought I might be able to participate too, as both a friendly ear and an advice seeker.

 

So, first post. Hello!

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I'm bi/pan. I don't really label myself beyond that but I came here because they guy I like told me he was asexual and then I told him I like him but I want to find out more about what that means.

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)’(burnerJ)’(

Hi all! Just introducing myself! I will get a picture up soon. For now, I think my profile info should give you a good sense of me. I am looking for support and knowledge to help me better navigate my new found understanding that I am a sexual and kinky person married to an amazing and beautiful asexual. We have a very strong marriage. We have also discussed this new found realization. She is still mulling these observations over herself and deciding if this is indeed who she is, I am moving forward with equipping myself with a little knowledge as well as seeking support for what will be a most difficult shift in how we navigate our future together. Ready or not, I believe that rollercoaster has reached the top of the hill and we are about to take quite a ride.

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Not sure where to ask this. I’m wondering if people disinterested in sex also have disinterest in other dopamine rewarded experiences? When my kids win trophies at sport, or if I beat a sporting personal best or even when Ive just painted the house I’m feeling really really good. I’m punching the air and taking everyone out for slap up meals, generally on cloud 9. She’s more like oh that’s nice. We’ve not had sex for 6 months. Not asexual she says, thought she might be Demi but doesn’t now.  She says she enjoys sex sometimes but doesn’t need it all the time. She’s never really enthusiastic about anything, just never gets that positive reward buzz feeling. 

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17 minutes ago, Roanch said:

Not sure where to ask this. I’m wondering if people disinterested in sex also have disinterest in other dopamine rewarded experiences? When my kids win trophies at sport, or if I beat a sporting personal best or even when Ive just painted the house I’m feeling really really good. I’m punching the air and taking everyone out for slap up meals, generally on cloud 9. 

I punch the air in celebration when I am happy (particularly sporting results, the joy I had when the eagles won the Superbowl and my whole day at work was fuelled by the dopamine from the delight of it)

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14 hours ago, Roanch said:

Not sure where to ask this. I’m wondering if people disinterested in sex also have disinterest in other dopamine rewarded experiences? When my kids win trophies at sport, or if I beat a sporting personal best or even when Ive just painted the house I’m feeling really really good. I’m punching the air and taking everyone out for slap up meals, generally on cloud 9. She’s more like oh that’s nice. We’ve not had sex for 6 months. Not asexual she says, thought she might be Demi but doesn’t now.  She says she enjoys sex sometimes but doesn’t need it all the time. She’s never really enthusiastic about anything, just never gets that positive reward buzz feeling. 

I asked a similar question a few weeks ago and while it looked unscientifically like the percentage of aces who don’t get the “reward buzz” was higher (compared to the sexuals who responded) it definitely didn’t approach 1:1.

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My heart hurts today. Maybe I’m tired & I know I’ve had a difficult day but.....I need to vent my heartache and frustration somewhere! Regretfully-I know of NO ONE in my life who might understand the problem, so here I am.  My husband is a good man-a loving father and I know he loves ME. I want to say to the best of his abilities because I know that sex isn’t necessary for him to live and be happy.  It hasn’t been a part of our relationship in so many years!!  I honestly don’t remember the last time....so why can’t I be happy and satisfied now, with my life just as he is?  Why can’t I accept his love as he is able to give it?  Why do I feel the absence of intimacy like a massive void in my life?  

Is there a time in life- say when I’m 60, or 65, when sex WONT matter?  Will I look back on these unsettled years and wonder at my foolishness?  I welcome any thoughts.....

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Traveler40
On 5/22/2018 at 5:28 PM, SusannaC said:

 .....I welcome any thoughts.....

All important questions @SusannaCthat most of us have.  It’s why we are here searching for answers that likely won’t ever come, and if they do, they will be different for all of us.  It’s unsatisfactory at best.  

 

I often say that I’m a solutions expert who’s been handed a problem that can’t truly be solved.  I’m not sure it’s possible to live without regret as this is the ultimate catch 22. Sometimes, on days like you’re having, I just want to cry in frustration as I feel both caught and trapped in happenstance.  They are the ties that bind Susanna - I’ve got nothing for you beyond complete understanding and pure empathy.  I’m sorry it’s this way.  May tomorrow be a better day.

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Sorry everything feels so heavy, @SusannaC.  :(

 

I’m having trouble accepting the talking analogy, @Telecaster68.  I get what you mean about sex being a crucial part of relationship communications for you, but not being able to communicate “verbally” (with words:  speech, email, texting, writing) with anyone at all would cause your entire life to grind to a halt.  Most people cannot accomplish their jobs without some kind of “verbal” communication.  The same goes for travel, and most kinds of shopping.  I find it difficult to believe that your entire life (not just your relationship) is comparably disrupted by a lack of sex.

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