hiddentears

Fellow Sexuals

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Apostle
1 hour ago, Jakesbuddy said:

8 years no sex here,  my wife says nothing about being asexual but for all intents and purposes she sure does act like it. I feel for you. 

It's a very difficult position to be in if you also have a family as that should be the priority. There's nothing worse than seeing YOUR kids being brought up by someone else, hence one of the reasons I stayed in my relationship.

I also think that being a heterosexual male is possibly worse than being a heterosexual woman as males are testosterone driven and probably miss having regular sex more than women do. However, I can see that the female will possibly lose out in other ways. 

I was brought up as  Christian but although I still believe in the moral values as taught, I don't believe in a benign God anymore. That's how life shapes your values as you get older.

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Apostle

To all sexuals who have realised that their partner is or probably is asexual:

 

Rule number 1:

No sex is better than fake sex.

Rule number 2:

Treat your asexual partner as a friend, mate, buddy. No more, no less. That way, everybody is not a threat to each other.

Rule number 3:

Hugs acceptable but do not in any way touch your asexual partner that may lead them to suspect you want anything else.

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purple_rose

Hi everyone, I have decided to join AVEN because a really good friend of mine had recently shared with me that he is asexual. I am trying to understand where he is coming from and to be more educated about it. I also am trying to figure out my feelings towards him. I have identified as sexual for awhile now (I am in my late 20s now). I do not have sexual attraction towards him but there seems to be a strong attraction of some sort. I have been reading through the forums for the past month or so. 

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Apostle
9 hours ago, purple_rose said:

Hi everyone, I have decided to join AVEN because a really good friend of mine had recently shared with me that he is asexual. I am trying to understand where he is coming from and to be more educated about it. I also am trying to figure out my feelings towards him. I have identified as sexual for awhile now (I am in my late 20s now). I do not have sexual attraction towards him but there seems to be a strong attraction of some sort. I have been reading through the forums for the past month or so. 

Hi Purple_rose. Glad you are investigating this now as it is very easy to ignore the important and sometimes necessary instincts that heterosexuals have, i.e. forming a sexual relationship with a potential partner.

I'm married to an asexual and although we have 3 children, (1 adopted, twins, all boys) it has been an extremely frustrating journey that is still ongoing. If you are considering a relationship with an asexual person you will always be disappointed and that maybe your sexual identity has been stolen from you. Another sexual on this thread has likened his missing of a sexual relationship akin to that of having a pebble in his shoe. I agree with him there.

However, if you intend to have purely a platonic relationship then why not? But remember, there will be no going back. You can read all about asexuality on this website so please do some more digging. If you have any more questions just ask on any of the forums on this website.....most people are quite informative and help you find out more about asexuality.

 

 

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purple_rose
3 hours ago, Apostle said:

Hi Purple_rose. Glad you are investigating this now as it is very easy to ignore the important and sometimes necessary instincts that heterosexuals have, i.e. forming a sexual relationship with a potential partner.

I'm married to an asexual and although we have 3 children, (1 adopted, twins, all boys) it has been an extremely frustrating journey that is still ongoing. If you are considering a relationship with an asexual person you will always be disappointed and that maybe your sexual identity has been stolen from you. Another sexual on this thread has likened his missing of a sexual relationship akin to that of having a pebble in his shoe. I agree with him there.

However, if you intend to have purely a platonic relationship then why not? But remember, there will be no going back. You can read all about asexuality on this website so please do some more digging. If you have any more questions just ask on any of the forums on this website.....most people are quite informative and help you find out more about asexuality.

 

 

Hi Apostle, thank you for your response. I thought about how it would be like to have a relationship with an asexual person, given that some parts of my identity and self-confidence is tied with sex. On the other hand, I find it refreshing to be with a guy who does not try to get into my pants or get me naked all the time. I guess that would be different if I am in a romantic relationship with an asexual person. I can see how I can become disappointed in the long run. 

 

That is one of the thing I am trying to figure out about my feelings towards my friend. I think about him a lot, and thoughts of him almost always bring up a smile on my face. Before he moved to another city, we can spend hours and hours together and it felt awesome. I actually do not know much about him, given that he and I had only began to really hang out this past summer (I had known of him for about a year though). It is just this intense feeling that I cannot label. It is not sexual, but I cannot tell if it is platonic or romantic or both. 

 

I definitely will do more digging. In fact, I had recently discuss with him about my sex life and I had to ask him afterwards if it was ok (because it was natural for me to do that with my friends. I felt like an insensitive person). 

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Apostle
On 10/23/2017 at 6:29 PM, purple_rose said:

Hi Apostle, thank you for your response. I thought about how it would be like to have a relationship with an asexual person, given that some parts of my identity and self-confidence is tied with sex. On the other hand, I find it refreshing to be with a guy who does not try to get into my pants or get me naked all the time. I guess that would be different if I am in a romantic relationship with an asexual person. I can see how I can become disappointed in the long run. 

 

That is one of the thing I am trying to figure out about my feelings towards my friend. I think about him a lot, and thoughts of him almost always bring up a smile on my face. Before he moved to another city, we can spend hours and hours together and it felt awesome. I actually do not know much about him, given that he and I had only began to really hang out this past summer (I had known of him for about a year though). It is just this intense feeling that I cannot label. It is not sexual, but I cannot tell if it is platonic or romantic or both. 

 

I definitely will do more digging. In fact, I had recently discuss with him about my sex life and I had to ask him afterwards if it was ok (because it was natural for me to do that with my friends. I felt like an insensitive person). 

Hi purple_rose. If I may be impudent, are you a young person and do you feel that what you are expressing is love? Having feelings for someone is a very difficult thing to comprehend as these feelings can differ for different people. Is this the first time you have had these feelings? Mostly, romance is something intangible and is best seen in verse or poems. This has little connection to the real world where sometimes even the smallest of vices you would find in a partner can cause upset and anger.

Many sexual people on this website, both male and female, have expressed their frustration in not being able to express their love with an intimate relationship with their partner. Invariably this leads to anger and resentment. 

If I were you I would tread carefully for a while whilst assessing your feelings. If you feel that a sexual relationship is really a must then recognise your instincts and go by them. Mostly, your instincts will lead you in the right direction. Good luck!8)

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purple_rose
9 hours ago, Apostle said:

Hi purple_rose. If I may be impudent, are you a young person and do you feel that what you are expressing is love? Having feelings for someone is a very difficult thing to comprehend as these feelings can differ for different people. Is this the first time you have had these feelings? Mostly, romance is something intangible and is best seen in verse or poems. This has little connection to the real world where sometimes even the smallest of vices you would find in a partner can cause upset and anger.

Many sexual people on this website, both male and female, have expressed their frustration in not being able to express their love with an intimate relationship with their partner. Invariably this leads to anger and resentment. 

If I were you I would tread carefully for a while whilst assessing your feelings. If you feel that a sexual relationship is really a must then recognise your instincts and go by them. Mostly, your instincts will lead you in the right direction. Good luck!8)

Hi Apostle, I am in my late 20s, so I guess I am still young. I don't know if it is love. I just know it is something intense and slightly different than what I had feel in the past. I honestly am not sure if I even want to pursue a romantic relationship. I am just happy that he seems to be as excited about keeping me in his life as a friend. He recently moved to another town, so I think it helps with the situation. I debated about telling him how I feel but I was worried it would ruin the friendship. Thank you Apostle for your advice!

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citradelic

I am 48.  married for 12 years. sex went away so long ago I don't remember.  I am a very sexual person and always have been.  I married somebody that I thought I would be exploring my sexuality with for the rest of my life as that was a huge part of our lifestyle in the early days.   I have  gotten so tired of being rejected and pushed away. My wife's Asexuality has been a BIG issue for me for the last 4-5 years.  I had a stroke 6 years ago and am even more connected to my body since that event.   We have talked about it openly for 3 years.

  She breaks down and says she's broken, which I have read here in other threads as well,  she says she just can't switch it on,,, I feel I have been expected to just switch it off with no consideration for my wants or needs as a human and I am at the end of my rope.  She from time to time would offer her body, but it was so obviously unwanted and that I had to turn away.  

  We have contacted a therapist who sent us here.. 

 I am here....

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MrDane
6 hours ago, citradelic said:

I am 48.  married for 12 years. sex went away so long ago I don't remember.  I am a very sexual person and always have been.  I married somebody that I thought I would be exploring my sexuality with for the rest of my life as that was a huge part of our lifestyle in the early days.   I have  gotten so tired of being rejected and pushed away. My wife's Asexuality has been a BIG issue for me for the last 4-5 years.  I had a stroke 6 years ago and am even more connected to my body since that event.   We have talked about it openly for 3 years.

  She breaks down and says she's broken, which I have read here in other threads as well,  she says she just can't switch it on,,, I feel I have been expected to just switch it off with no consideration for my wants or needs as a human and I am at the end of my rope.  She from time to time would offer her body, but it was so obviously unwanted and that I had to turn away.  

  We have contacted a therapist who sent us here.. 

 I am here....

Hi @citradelic

feel free to write a personal message, i am sharing your pain and trying to work through similar experience. Married 15+, wife didnt know (or tell) for the first 10+ years. Kids, and happy on all other levels, than intimacy/sex. No, nothing to do makes her turned on by the thougth of sex. My experience has been, that it helps to make sex more systematic, by agreed upon schedule and more like a massage than a sexy-times session. 

I also thougth our sex life was a mutual project for us to explore, and now it is only for me. Even if she enjoys parts of it, then there is always the "i dont need it. Never has, never will"

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MrDane
On 21/10/2017 at 11:52 AM, Apostle said:

To all sexuals who have realised that their partner is or probably is asexual:

 

Rule number 1:

No sex is better than fake sex.

Rule number 2:

Treat your asexual partner as a friend, mate, buddy. No more, no less. That way, everybody is not a threat to each other.

Rule number 3:

Hugs acceptable but do not in any way touch your asexual partner that may lead them to suspect you want anything else.

I dont quite agree, or perhaps would phrase it differently, at least in my relationship!

1. Important to be open, honest and patient. You are not allowed to force sex through, but you have accept boundaries and 'red flags'. There is a difference between faking it and playing along and trying to share/give pleasure. Dont fake! See what/how you can do something. If you cant? Be honest and open! A no is always respected. A no  does not make the sexual into an asexual.

2. If you think of your partner in the relationship as a friend, then that is what they are, perhaps even BFF. Do accept that some people want a SignificantOther. Do accept that some people see sex as a way to feel that SO-level has been reached. 

3a: to the sexual: dont expect 'sexy' to be a positive word and foreplay/expectations/intimacy to always be met with joy, even though there still migth be love between you. What can feel like a rejection migth just be a clash of sexualities. 

3b: to the asexual: remember that when your sexual steps in over your boundaries, it is hopefully not a violation, but just a natural/common way to physical express love through the body. It migth just be a clash of sexualities.

4. If you love eachother. Find ways to communicate it, since love is an important message to get across.

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Natapie

Hey, I'm very new just signed up today! My friend came out to me as asexual a few months ago and I don't really care it doesn't change anything about her for me, but she is still trying to find out what it means for her and her life so I was wondering if anyone would like to message me and help me figure out how I can be an amazing and supportive friend/tell me everything I can do not to make her feel awkward. Any advice would be appreciated as I want to be helpful to her not more confusing! Thanks

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Graceful

Hi @Natapie and welcome! It's great that you're being a supportive friend! :D 

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Graceful

Random thought. I just sort of realized that I was severely depressed before, throughout, and after puberty and then went on antidepressants for many years. I will be off of all psychotropics soon for the first time since I started them. I wonder if I will suddenly have a libido? Didn't think it belonged in musi rants since I'm not asexual and it doesn't really deserve its own thread so just plopping this thought here.

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Apostle
On 10/29/2017 at 7:31 AM, MrDane said:

I dont quite agree, or perhaps would phrase it differently, at least in my relationship!

1. Important to be open, honest and patient. You are not allowed to force sex through, but you have accept boundaries and 'red flags'. There is a difference between faking it and playing along and trying to share/give pleasure. Dont fake! See what/how you can do something. If you cant? Be honest and open! A no is always respected. A no  does not make the sexual into an asexual.

2. If you think of your partner in the relationship as a friend, then that is what they are, perhaps even BFF. Do accept that some people want a SignificantOther. Do accept that some people see sex as a way to feel that SO-level has been reached. 

3a: to the sexual: dont expect 'sexy' to be a positive word and foreplay/expectations/intimacy to always be met with joy, even though there still migth be love between you. What can feel like a rejection migth just be a clash of sexualities. 

3b: to the asexual: remember that when your sexual steps in over your boundaries, it is hopefully not a violation, but just a natural/common way to physical express love through the body. It migth just be a clash of sexualities.

4. If you love eachother. Find ways to communicate it, since love is an important message to get across.

With respect, some of your points I agree with and some I'm not sure about. I suppose we have different perspectives because our relationships with our SO's are continually moulding our respective lives. In fact, I've now gone off sex altogether with my SO, mainly as the connection I thought we had has disappeared. She has inadvertently changed me over the years, which is regrettable and such a shame.

 

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The_Blue_Jay

Hi, I’m Jay. I’m a sexual woman, in a relationship with another woman for over 12 years. In the past few years my wife has realised that she’s mostly asexual. She still enjoys sex once it’s initiated, but doesn’t ever initiate it herself, and never gets turned on unless sex is already happening.

 

I’ve been struggling with it for a while now, and thus here I am. I’m hoping that I can get some advice/ideas here, really. My biggest issue is that with her never initiating it and not really finding me “sexy”, I’ve begun struggling with my self esteem. I know it’s not ME me and I know that she adores me otherwise, and I do realise it’s nobody fault. But it still tends to make me feel quite miserable - I just want to feel wanted, you know?

 

I’ve read somewhere that monthly check ins with your asexual partner can be a good idea - to talk about how satisfied you both are with your sex life (or lack thereof) atm and such, so we’ll start with that and see how it goes. I tend to find it quite difficult to talk about that particular issue (we have great communication otherwise) and I don’t want to pressure her, and I tend to bottle my feelings up and then erupt once there’s too much for me to handle. So, we'll see. 

 

Good to meet you all.

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NickJCook
6 hours ago, The_Blue_Jay said:

Hi, I’m Jay. I’m a sexual woman, in a relationship with another woman for over 12 years. In the past few years my wife has realised that she’s mostly asexual. She still enjoys sex once it’s initiated, but doesn’t ever initiate it herself, and never gets turned on unless sex is already happening.

 

I’ve been struggling with it for a while now, and thus here I am. I’m hoping that I can get some advice/ideas here, really. My biggest issue is that with her never initiating it and not really finding me “sexy”, I’ve begun struggling with my self esteem. I know it’s not ME me and I know that she adores me otherwise, and I do realise it’s nobody fault. But it still tends to make me feel quite miserable - I just want to feel wanted, you know?

 

I’ve read somewhere that monthly check ins with your asexual partner can be a good idea - to talk about how satisfied you both are with your sex life (or lack thereof) atm and such, so we’ll start with that and see how it goes. I tend to find it quite difficult to talk about that particular issue (we have great communication otherwise) and I don’t want to pressure her, and I tend to bottle my feelings up and then erupt once there’s too much for me to handle. So, we'll see. 

 

Good to meet you all.

This sounds quite similar to my wife and my situation. I can absolutely relate. We’ve been pretty terrible about communicating about this issue over the years and we’re really only now truly talking about it. I can’t offer any real answers but I can attest that the improved communication is helpful. Good luck.

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MrDane
9 hours ago, Apostle said:

With respect, some of your points I agree with and some I'm not sure about. I suppose we have different perspectives because our relationships with our SO's are continually moulding our respective lives. In fact, I've now gone off sex altogether with my SO, mainly as the connection I thought we had has disappeared. She has inadvertently changed me over the years, which is regrettable and such a shame.

 

That is actually my worst fear! That the connection will disappear as the years go by. (Due to our sexual differences) 

I have recently been granted a boost in our sexual frequency, which was nice. Now I consider going back in the other direction, to give her more space/time without the risk of sexytimes. Not what i would have imagined! "I love you so much that I want to leave you alone"

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MrDane
8 hours ago, The_Blue_Jay said:

Hi, I’m Jay. I’m a sexual woman, in a relationship with another woman for over 12 years. In the past few years my wife has realised that she’s mostly asexual. She still enjoys sex once it’s initiated, but doesn’t ever initiate it herself, and never gets turned on unless sex is already happening.

 

I’ve been struggling with it for a while now, and thus here I am. I’m hoping that I can get some advice/ideas here, really. My biggest issue is that with her never initiating it and not really finding me “sexy”, I’ve begun struggling with my self esteem. I know it’s not ME me and I know that she adores me otherwise, and I do realise it’s nobody fault. But it still tends to make me feel quite miserable - I just want to feel wanted, you know?

 

I’ve read somewhere that monthly check ins with your asexual partner can be a good idea - to talk about how satisfied you both are with your sex life (or lack thereof) atm and such, so we’ll start with that and see how it goes. I tend to find it quite difficult to talk about that particular issue (we have great communication otherwise) and I don’t want to pressure her, and I tend to bottle my feelings up and then erupt once there’s too much for me to handle. So, we'll see. 

 

Good to meet you all.

Pardon my french! I think, it is called responsive desire. It means that you have to start fucking to find out whether she wants to/is okay with fucking. This will require a will to leave the zone of comfort before she will perhaps enter a new zone of comfort unless she feels so discomforted by it, that you have to stop.

I absolutely hate it, as I start touching her, while she would rather fold the laundry and my touch is more like me, picking her nose than me arousing/teasing her. Then, hopefully,magic happens, and she starts slowly to feel nice about it. ...but at this point my head is also filled with: oh no, she doesnt like it. I should stop. It will never get better. What should I say? Sorry? Or just be patient and it will be so good for her later. ...but she doesnt desire it now and i migth as well stop now, and it would make no difference to her???

 

good idea about checking up on it! 

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Apostle
On 10/29/2017 at 4:55 PM, Natapie said:

Hey, I'm very new just signed up today! My friend came out to me as asexual a few months ago and I don't really care it doesn't change anything about her for me, but she is still trying to find out what it means for her and her life so I was wondering if anyone would like to message me and help me figure out how I can be an amazing and supportive friend/tell me everything I can do not to make her feel awkward. Any advice would be appreciated as I want to be helpful to her not more confusing! Thanks

Why not go through this together? That way you may learn a lot more as a friend and she will have the support of yourself. It's much easier if you have some support, unlike most people on this thread who don't. Good luck in your quest:D!!

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Carmilla Karnstein

Hi,I newly joined to the AVEN community the reason behind me -a sexual person- joining this community is I actually find out that I am an agender.I was really confused about my gender identity and find out the AVEN forum.It helped me to come in terms with my gender identity.I never quite understand the term "gender" means.I never really had a gender dysphoria.I always referred as a female and it never really bothered me but if otherwise I still wouldn't care.And I thought that everyone was feeling like me but actually I find out this feeling was not a typical feeling for many gendered people.And AVEN helped me in terms of understanding what agender and how it feels or feels not like.So I decided to join.

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C172

I'm a happily single sexual. Not sure about where I am on the romance spectrum (never realized there was one). I hadn't posted for several years until I came back today. IIRC, my reason for seeking this out was to see if I was actually asexual (I'm physically disabled from birth, have never dated, and am 42). 

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Drummergirl

I'm here, like many it seems, to find out more about asexuality but from a real person point of view rather than an article. I recently started a "something" (don't know exactly what to call it yet) with an asexual fella and it has been great. I told him no pressure and all at his pace as he is still coming to terms with his asexuality. All been very interesting so far and completely lovely. He is pretty awesome so I'm kinda just wanting to see what happens and I think I'm willing to give up sex if that's what's needed. Would love advice and appreciate any comments that might help. 

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Apostle
2 hours ago, Drummergirl said:

I'm here, like many it seems, to find out more about asexuality but from a real person point of view rather than an article. I recently started a "something" (don't know exactly what to call it yet) with an asexual fella and it has been great. I told him no pressure and all at his pace as he is still coming to terms with his asexuality. All been very interesting so far and completely lovely. He is pretty awesome so I'm kinda just wanting to see what happens and I think I'm willing to give up sex if that's what's needed. Would love advice and appreciate any comments that might help. 

Depends if you want children in the future. It's then a no-no.

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Drummergirl

Hi Apostle. No children in my plans, especially not biological ones. Multitude of reasons for me not wanting them but we haven't actually spoken about the children thing (early days). Hoping he doesn't want them. 

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Apostle
11 hours ago, Drummergirl said:

Hi Apostle. No children in my plans, especially not biological ones. Multitude of reasons for me not wanting them but we haven't actually spoken about the children thing (early days). Hoping he doesn't want them. 

Hi DG. I'm assuming you are both relatively young, judging from your phraseology about your relationship. It's great that you see him as he really is and hope it works out for you both. It may be that you are also on the asexual side of sexuality (by accepting who he is) in which case your relationship may work well although it would be naive to not fully understand what the future may hold (ie. we all change as we age and you or he may want a family later on). However, if you are sexual then beware of the many pitfalls that await, like resentment of sexual frequency, children etc. These issues can eat away at your relationship and will NEVER be resolved entirely, despite people on this site saying words like 'compromise'. 

Best of luck though^_^ 

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Drummergirl

Correct, we are in our twenties, however I can say with absolute certainty I am nowhere near the asexual side but I find that he may be a good match for me as in past relationships I have always had the higher sex drive and find it can be something of a distraction, with me adjusting my day in order to optimise chances of us having more sex and feeling annoyed when it doesn't happen. Plus the more I have the more I want. Kinda feel like this will be a good thing in that I know from the start what to expect and I think it is important, especially from a female perspective, to know how to take care of that kind of thing on your own. I know that sounds weird but it's difficult to explain.

 

He has offered the possibility of an open relationship but I don't think that would work, too much space for being attached to others/jealousy and it would be completely one sided so quite unfair. I know there is no miracle resolution to this situation, however I am getting the physical affection I crave and have lacked in the past and he is quite willing to have sex (and in fact purposely gets me wound up in advance of this), just doesn't actually get anything from it except knowing that I am enjoying it I guess, which is also quite alien to me. We have spoken at length about the whole thing and I'm finding that I feel less like I used to as in I don't mind it being a long time between sexual encounters this time round. May all change and it would be foolish to assume neither of us will ever feel the need to have a family at this stage (as with all couples of our age), but for now it is sweet and lovely and as we are both young there is really nothing to lose. 

 

PS Thanks for listening to my ramblings...

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Apostle
On 2/2/2018 at 11:03 AM, Drummergirl said:

Correct, we are in our twenties, however I can say with absolute certainty I am nowhere near the asexual side but I find that he may be a good match for me as in past relationships I have always had the higher sex drive and find it can be something of a distraction, with me adjusting my day in order to optimise chances of us having more sex and feeling annoyed when it doesn't happen. Plus the more I have the more I want. Kinda feel like this will be a good thing in that I know from the start what to expect and I think it is important, especially from a female perspective, to know how to take care of that kind of thing on your own. I know that sounds weird but it's difficult to explain.

 

 

I know what you mean about the more you have sex the more you want it. Must be pheromones that are activated in the brain, possibly like an addiction to nicotine or any drug for that matter. As you may know from some of these posts, I am married to an asexual but my addiction does not want to go away, although it's not like I'm a sex maniac or anything. However, after a number of days I do indeed feel like I want to have sex, although I have been celibate for 25 years and have never dallied beyond my marital vows.

 

I think only you can figure out what you want from your partnership and it will probably change as time passes but I do wish you all the luck in the world. Just don't end up like me!

Rejection is hard to take.:angry:

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Telecaster68

It's not pheromones - nobody's actually scientifically demonstrated human pheromones are a thing yet. It's repeated floods of oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine, plus vessaprin in males. The normal pleasure chemicals, in other words, and yes, they can be addictive.

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Apostle
43 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's not pheromones - nobody's actually scientifically demonstrated human pheromones are a thing yet. It's repeated floods of oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine, plus vessaprin in males. The normal pleasure chemicals, in other words, and yes, they can be addictive.

I bow to your superior knowledge of hormones and monoamine neurotransmitters etc. I must have an abundance of these and wonder if some day in the future a percentage can be transferred to my wife to balance things up a bit..........................???

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