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12 hours ago, Apostle said:

Well good luck with your relationship. Sexual and asexual relationships rarely work as one or both always has to make a compromise and usually the sexual loses out. It's a huge blow to the moral for a sexual and resentment will always be simmering under the surface. I agree that some asexuals commit to a physical relationship but the sexual will always know it is done as a bartering chip and that the lovemaking is in effect a fake.

I also have to say that it is easier for a female to do this than a male as a male has to psyche himself up to get an erection whereas a female can just lie there and pretend. 

If you want to live and commit to a long life with someone, make sure you are compatible in all ways. I know because I'm in a relationship but really stayed because of the family we had both produced. Although we get on I'm not sure about the future when the kids leave home. I've had to bear 25 years of celibacy as I love my wife but no physical contact (she is the asexual).

So, I realize that its difficult and that generally mixed relationships are at best difficult..at worst impossible. 

 I am not a saint. It has been a difficult journey. And I suspect it will continue to be so. However, even as a sexual I can put the importance of sex on the back burner. That doesn't mean its easy. Sometimes its difficult as hell. But, at the end of the day, I feel like the price I pay is worth it.

  It probably helps a lot that even though I consider myself a sexual person, I've been in relationships that sex was a burden and a duty, rather than an intimate beautiful thing. I didn't know what asexual was..never heard of it, but I realized that I didn't have the average sex drive either. I'm not claiming to be or fully understand how an asexual thinks. However, I've had enough experience with disliking sex to empathize and I think it helps. 

  We've tried fooling around and while physically pleasant it was emotionally void for me. Bc I knew he wasn't really into it. So, I'm not really interested in compromise. Its hard to do without. But, its emotionally fulfilling to be held and to have that quality time.

  I had thought about ending it before. But, I realized that given the choice between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy...emotional wins by a landslide. I prefer to have a deep emotional connection with a man I truly love and who treats me well, than a sexual relationship with a man who doesn't hold me when I'm hurting or had a bad day. There's something to be said for having a man who can touch and hold you without automatically wanting in your pants.

  

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trying to figure out how this site works..how to quote reply and edit
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6 hours ago, Apostle said:

Yep, made a mistake there! Being a sexual who's partner doesn't want to discuss the subject, I'm kinda frustrated so that came through in my post. Yes, she doesn't get the caresses and contact and probably loses out on the emotional side of things. I miss all of those too, and the sex. But I'd rather be celibate than have fake sex thank you.

It is very frustrating when your partner won't discuss it. I had a lot more difficulty when he wouldn't. I finally laid down the issue in communication with him rather than with my sexual frustration. I explained to him that not being able to talk about sexual issues made me feel distant and cut off more than the actual lack of sex. I explained that the break in communication made me feel like my thoughts and feelings weren't important. I told him my intent wasn't to get him to give me sex...that was something I wouldn't try to force or insist on. I simply needed to be heard, even if he couldn't quite understand. I needed to know my feelings were important and that the relationship itself was about both of us. 

 Its still a bit of an awkward topic, but he's learning that expressing my thoughts and feelings is completely different than trying to turn our relationship sexual. 

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Here's something to think about. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. 

   Think about all of the qualities you love about your partner. Everything that makes her unique. Everything that drew you to her to begin with. Think about those things that you treasure the most about her. 

 Then think about, out of your favorite qualities, which of those you would trade in exchange for her being a sexual woman. 

  For me with my partner, I realized I wouldn't trade any of my favorite qualities. You might come up with a different answer. Whatever you cone up with is something to think about. Bc it shows your own level of sexual importance. 

  What bothers me is when I read something that indicates that the sexual person is in the wrong. We're not. Its perfectly ok to want and need sex. Its just a part of us and who we are. 

  But, its also ok for an asexual not to want or even understand that need. We're all different. It took me the better part of a year to accept and understand that my boyfriend is just different than I am. Neither is right or wrong. 

  Whether or not you can handle being in a nonsexual relationship is something you have to decide. Not everyone can and that's ok. 

  The communication is definitely a problem though. I wasn't able to accept and deal with a nonsexual relationship until after we established communication lines about it. 

  I also understand its probably even more difficult for a male. That's ok too. In the end what you've got to decide is what's right for you. If you can make peace with it or you can't. Either decision is hard and has its downside. 

 But, if you aren't happy and can't be happy, neither of you will be. You can't have a positive relationship if you're unhappy in it all the time. Occasional unhappiness is different and can be managed. 

  

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apatrickwsu

Hi AVEN people, I've made a couple posts but no intro and I guess this is the thread for it.

 

I'm here because there aren't active communities that I've found for sexual aromantics (which I am), plus this group seems easier to talk to than trying to just use twitter or something to interact with people about aro stuff related to how I feel. Glad to talk to folks if they want to message me and I'm trying to meet with people IRL too and joined meetup for ace in my area.

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Hi all, I am new to AVEN. I am a sexual 32 year old female and just learned one year into my marriage that my husband has become asexual. I am looking for advice, support and a community to reach out to so I don't feel alone in this. I am considering my options. To stay and live a life of celibacy or divorce as we do not have any children yet. I would like to hear from other people, and in particular women who are coping in a marriage with an asexual male. Have any of you made it work? Have there been ways to compromise that you have found successful? Thanks and looking forward to connecting with you all. 

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On 7/7/2017 at 5:47 PM, Apostle said:

Yep, made a mistake there! Being a sexual who's partner doesn't want to discuss the subject, I'm kinda frustrated so that came through in my post. Yes, she doesn't get the caresses and contact and probably loses out on the emotional side of things. I miss all of those too, and the sex. But I'd rather be celibate than have fake sex thank you.

Tbh I think the issue that your partner is very uncommunicative plays a very large part in your frustration and resentment here, as with many of the other issues people have faced in mixed relationships. It's fair if you prefer to be celibate when faced with this kind of incompatibility, but you sound very resentful and grudging because you've had to figure all of this out on your own and you don't see any appreciation from your partner for the compromise you've put in to make the relationship work. Unfortunately, this also isn't particularly sustainable.

 

When everyone's issues are clearly and effectively communicated, I think people can be very appreciative of their partner's efforts to compromise either way and while both parties are still losing out in some ways, they can get support from the fact that their partner understands their feelings. This doesn't work for everyone / isn't always sustainable either and sometimes things really can't be solved despite communication, but I think an effectively communicated breakup based on incompatibility that both partners fully understand and appreciate should not leave any reasonable resentment aside from the usual sadness and regret that comes with any unsuccessful relationship.

 

I felt a lot better about compromising with my girlfriend when we started talking earnestly about what we wanted and what we didn't want, rather than trying to brush the entire issue under the carpet, and especially when I didn't understand her needs and she didn't understand mine. Just saying.

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Apostle, thank you so much for reaching out. I have felt like the only person on the planet going through this. It's a relief to know I'm not alone. I sympathize with all you have gone through for your family. Regarding your response - I'd like to confirm first whether or not my husband is asexual. He did not share this classification(preference) with me. I did research online and came across this network which sounded similar to what I am currently going through.

 

My husband and I have had sex two times in 7 months (this is our second year of marriage and before children). Having sex always involves me initiating or requesting. He said his interest and all men's interest in sex wanes as they get older (he is 37). However, I feel this may be a coverup to mask the fact that he is asexual. There are still plenty of 37+ year old men who want and are excited by sex, correct? I know that sounds like a silly question but sometimes I don't know what the "norm" is in reference to the general population and statistics.

 

Does this sound like he could be classified as asexual? If so, I feel that the past 7 months have been challenging. My self-worth is not solely tied to my sexuality. There are, however, times I feel that if he loved me enough he would try harder to make this work by being physical with me. I am doubting his love for me and I find it hard to imagine never having sex again or if so, having sex once a year at the most. What have been your coping devices when married to an asexual? Thank you for reaching out.

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3 hours ago, EMCginger said:

Does this sound like he could be classified as asexual?

Hello EMCginger, please understand that labels should be chosen, not assigned. If anybody tried to classify your husband as asexual, he might be offended. He could feel like he's being declared defective in some way. And the term might not even apply, because maybe he experiences sexual attraction, but just has a low sex drive. You really should leave it to your husband whether he wants to identify as asexual or not. I don't think you can ever confirm with anyone else whether he is asexual or not.

 

Nevertheless, I hope that the community and the online resources about asexuality will help you to figure things out. After all, it's not about the terms one uses, but about the actual feelings and behavior of the persons involved.

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1 hour ago, Apostle said:

And if your girlfriend hadn't wanted to communicate with you, what would you have done? If you had 3 children under the age of 2 would you have walked away? If you had had to go through 5 years of infertility treatment and adoption would you honestly have walked away? I think not.

Friend I am sorry about your situation, but what I personally would have done is beside the point.

 

I understand you are frustrated and hostile because of your anger with your situation, but I'm just pointing out that your frustration has less to do with asexuality itself and more to do with your wife's failure to communicate with you. If she had said upfront what she wanted from your relationship, you would have been able to walk away before 3 children and 5 years of infertility treatment happened. 

 

This is why visibility is important, guys. Your wife might have actually known what she wanted and been able to find someone more suitable before making you a sad and bitter old man. 

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8 hours ago, Apostle said:

 

You should talk to older people who had children who were lesbian or gay. It was a stigma on them personally, or that is how most people were judged by their peers. That was then and thank goodness we have moved on.

 

Thank you for your feedback. However, I'd like you to note that you also do not know very much about me or my situation and that in my case -- we have not "moved on" and there is no "that was then" in your quoted situation for me. 

 

I'm actually not sure how this is relevant to the discussion but I find it funny you bring it up. I was born in a socially conservative country where it is still illegal to be gay in 2017, and my 60-70 year old parents and the rest of my extended family still live there. Needless to say, there is no gay marriage nor legal protection from discrimination, and while I might not be put to death for my orientation, I am not / cannot be out as being in a lesbian relationship to anyone in my family besides my parents and brother because it is still a stigma to them personally. My parents would be shunned by the rest of my family / their peers and their standing in society would certainly be reduced. It's very likely I would be disinherited by my grandparents and my aunts and uncles would no longer talk to me or my parents if they found out. Nevertheless, my family is still incredibly important to me, and I still want to do them proud. I have had to hide my identity, my girlfriend, and my relationship because that is what I must do to fit in with the culture I grew up in and protect my parents from our own family. Is this not the very definition of putting family first? I have mentioned my heritage and the social conservatism/homophobia of my home country in some of my previous AVEN posts if you care to look.

 

I am lucky enough to live abroad now as an adult, and I am grateful that I have had any parental support at all in my mixed-race same-sex relationship after a very rocky start (they only found out about it last year and I was quite expecting to be disowned when they did - now, through a year of communication and hard work, they are happy to invite my girlfriend to dinner). This has been hard enough without bringing in the fact that my relationship is also mixed in terms of sexuality/asexuality. Somehow, amazingly, we've all still been able to communicate and I don't often feel sadness for the situation. Perhaps the internet has had its part in helping us along and I understand this is something you did not have, but I have also had to accept without bitterness the failings of my family and the restrictions of society in my home country, and the fact that I know I will never make my girlfriend sexually happy. I have to trust and talk to the people around me to make this work, so I think i know how hard it has been for both my parents and my partner, who somehow miraculously sticks by me despite my not only being the "wrong" gender/sexuality but also the "wrong" race and from a very different culture. This has all also taken a lot of courage and determination, and even if I am young in comparison to you, I think my varied life experiences regarding race, intersectionality and society have given me an insight into wisdom, culture and privilege that you might not have despite your years. I have done my best to be helpful and sympathetic of other peoples situations in my answers in this forum while also educating others, correcting misinformation and sticking to my values - you can see what I have said here yourself in my profile if you like. If I have been too judgmental or unsympathetic in your eyes, you are entitled to that opinion, but I think my points still stand.

 

In light of my experiences, feel free to suggest exactly what you would like me to talk about with my own parents and how this might impact our conversation.

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IntellectualAsexual

I'm here because I found this site a long time ago, then got interested again. Was interested because it was an alternative kind of sexuality. Hated the mainstream stuff where people had public displays of affection and they would just get together like automatically and immediately and sex was everywhere, on television, and on the streets, and in books. I wanted a place where people were intelligent instead of just sexually active, and they could discuss the science of sex without jacking off. I at first thought it was something related to science, I guess, and I thought propagating asexually might be interesting, but I guess nobody does that here...they don't propagate at all! Amazing. I wish I could  be like that too. But not the same I guess. 

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2 hours ago, Apostle said:

Can you clarify where you have posted ,'I have done my best to be helpful and sympathetic of other peoples situations in my answers in this forum while also educating others, correcting misinformation and sticking to my values' on the 'Fellow sexuals' forum please as I cannot find anything there? I assume you are a sexual of course. It would be impossible to trawl through everyone's post wouldn't it?

My parents were also ignorant of asexuality, lesbianism and other gender differences but they conquered that so perhaps we are lucky in our generations. People who do not conquer that need re-educating and this can sometimes be best done by their offspring. 

 

By "Forum" I meant topics in the "For sexual partners, friends and allies" sub-forum of AVEN. "Fellow sexuals" is a thread. Are you really so petty that you really want me to dig up receipts of how I've tried to comfort people in mixed relationships elsewhere in this sub-forum while simultaneously asking me to look at your history of posts to gauge your lack of hostility?

 

Admittedly, this is my first time posting in this particular thread. I do not identify as sexual and I browse what people are saying here to understand other perspectives because I think they are important and I realise many people are in pain or crying for help. Obviously, as this is the first time I have said anything in this particular thread, I do not usually think my voice is entirely appropriate except in special circumstances - and the circumstances in this case were that I thought your opinion about how 'sexuals are the usually the ones who lose out' was inaccurate and extremely harmful towards both partners in a mixed relationship.

 

Promoting the idea that sexuals (or asexuals, actually - anything that suggests one party over the other) are the ones who lose out more and letting your self-admitted "frustration" at your situation impact the things you present as facts here is something I broke my silence to correct. I know how damaging this train of thought is from personal experience, this being a thing I also used to believe, and believing one party or the other are "the only ones who lose out" is part of the reason I hurt my girlfriend by trying to break up with her "for her own good" even though she still wanted to discuss solutions with me. My understanding is that these sorts of beliefs can only be challenged by communication, and I am trying to explain to you that without communication people get frustrated and bitter and such beliefs persist. I must admit I took it quite personally that you seemed to be discounting and side-stepping my insights because I am young.

 

Before you say anything further to criticize my jumping in as an asexual in this topic, as far as I know, there is no rule whatsoever in saying that asexuals are not allowed to post in this thread if our experiences are relevant to the topic at hand or to educate someone if it seems damaging. In fact, I thought education and visibility was part of the reason we are trying to encourage sexual people and asexual people to mix and share thoughts in this section of AVEN. You said I should read some of your posts to see that you are not bitter, but as you say, it is indeed impossible for me to trawl through your entire profile, so I'm not sure how you would expect me to do anything other than "comment on what I see in front of me", especially if what I see in front of me seems incredibly damaging.

 

Also, I do feel you are side-stepping the issue I asked you about: would you care to explain exactly what insight I would have in talking to my conservative parents as their asexual lesbian daughter to help me understand your situation? 

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Whooh GaoGao :blink: I understand you're hurt but in regards to sexuality hardly anyone 'gets out of here alive' , so to speak. A little misunderstanding and some insensitivity do not constitute character assassination, right ? I don't read anything malicious , intentended or otherwise , in this thread. Besides , your separated by the Cyber World and thousands of kilometers , you're safe 😊

 

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34 minutes ago, joeymac said:

Whooh GaoGao :blink: I understand you're hurt but in regards to sexuality hardly anyone 'gets out of here alive' , so to speak. A little misunderstanding and some insensitivity do not constitute character assassination, right ? I don't read anything malicious , intentended or otherwise , in this thread. Besides , your separated by the Cyber World and thousands of kilometers , you're safe 😊

 

Ayyy Fair. Does it sound like I'm character assassinating him or him me?  If the former, I apologise - I thought my points were sound and I certainly had no intention to harm Apostle's reputation with what I was saying. 

 

Admittedly I got a little upset - and I'm sure he did too considering the tone of what he was saying to me, but I'm quite happy to leave the thread now because I'm pretty sure I've made my points very clear.

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On 7/11/2017 at 10:27 AM, Apostle said:

EMC, there is no norm for having sex regularly or on certain days or any number of times really. I would have to say though that any healthy heterosexual male would be wanting more than twice in 7 months. Maybe he has a stressful job? That would have an enormous influence on his sex drive.

You really do need to sit him down and have a conversation (not an argument). He may be troubled, especially if he has mates at work who boast significant more conquests. Also, is he healthy/eating a good diet? I had a female friend who's husband had diabetes and that had an enormous influence on their sex life (i.e. no sex at all). 

Sex generally wanes as men approach their seventies but unlike women, who's sex drive declines more rapidly, especially after the menopause, men can still perform and quite often want to. 

Love and sex don't necessarily have to go together although often it is a symbol of a connection between two people.

As for coping devices, It comes down to just avoiding anything that can be misconstrued as a come on to her. I've developed other interests and pursue those. At the end of the day it really depends on what you want from the marriage. If you want children then I suggest you seriously consider your position. Children in a marriage always come first.

Hi Apostle, thanks for your response. He does in fact have a stressful job. I believe this is in fact part of what has decreased the number of times we have sex. However, I also believe there are other issues at hand. For example, he was not interested in having sex during the course of our honeymoon. I was so hurt, I scheduled a second trip for us only to find that again, he was not interested in any physicality. I do want children. However, I worry that it will only make matters worse given our sexual history.

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Please, everyone,  remember to try to be respectful of other members and their views. If you feel that  a discussion is getting heated, please take a step back from the discussion.

 

While this is forum is for Sexual Partners, Friends & Allies, we encourage any user who has something to contribute to a thread to do so as they may have valuable input that might otherwise be overlooked

 

thanks,

iff,

moderator, Sexual Friends, Partners & Allies

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 8.7.2010 at 7:43 AM, sonofzeal said:

Demi, here, but for a long part of my membership "demisexual" wasn't a term that got used, so I mostly just identified as "sexual". Still, I think I have more in common with aces than with the general public, and I love AVEN and the community around it. A lot of my best friends were made through this site. And, I think I've become less and less sexual than I was, over time. I came to learn, I stayed for the community, and I keep finding more and more aceness in myself as I go.

That comment pretty much says it all. Nothing much left to add. Thanks Sono :D You spared me a lot of typing :D

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Hi All

 

i'm so glad I found this forum and support network. For years I've been wondering about my relationship and after reading all of your posts and stories I feel comfort knowing I am not alone. 

 

Id love to share my story and understand a little more - any advice or comments would be appreciated. 

 

My partner and I have been together for 6 years. We got engaged late last year. But as the wedding draws closer; I know that something is not quite right; and from reading all of your stories I feel that I'm about to enter into a marriage with an a-sexual male. 

 

We have a wonderful life. He's my best friend. But he feels more like my brother or my house mate Than my life partner. 

 

However the sex has just never been 'on the regular' - It's literally the only argument we ever have and we've been having for 6 years. 

 

At at the start we did it a few times and it seemed to be like any other past relationship I had had! I didn't see any issues. Of course it wasn't frequent but we both lived at home. He told me "it's okay, once we move out it'll change - we will be able to do it more often". 

 

A year later we moved out. It did not change. It became less frequent. He never instigated it. Don't get me wrong; we would do it but sometimes 6-7 months would go past and nothing. But I loved him, and kept telling myself "hey- it's just sex!!"

 

But I also spent a lot of time crying and not understanding what I had done wrong. I became down on myself. Was I not prettt enough? Was there a problem with my body? As someone who had suffered an eating disorder as a teenager; it was of course The obvious thing To me "he hates The way I look". 

 

There were always 'excuses'. The "maybe we just are in a rut and need to go on a holiday" and we would. Then we'd be on a beautiful romantic island and have sex once on the first night; and then spend the rest of the holiday like it had never happened. 

 

Weirdly though; Every time he is drunk however he wants to do it... he makes a move on me. But it's nev exciting. No foreplay just get in and get out. Has anyone else experienced this? 

 

So; I think in 6 years we've maybe only ever done it 15-20 times. Which from all the reading makes me feel that even though he may be a-sexual that he's trying to be what he thinks he "needs" to be? 

 

8 weeks ago, with the ever mounting pressure of a wedding, i sat him down (without knowing what a-sexuality was) & said to him I can't be in a marriage where I am missing the one thing I feel is the most important... sparks, fireworks, passion, desire. I said he needed to change or we had to end things. As much as I loved him, I couldn't be in a relationship that was missing sex. 

 

At that time i asked him if he ever thought about it. He said no. I asked him if he ever pleasures himself. He said no. I asked him if he enjoyed being with me in that way. He said yes but only when he's doing the act otherwise it's not like he thinks about it or wanting it. I asked him if there had ever been anyone before me. He said one person, one time because it was never something he 'wanted to do'. 

 

His solution was saying maybe I needed to make the move on him to show him that "I wanted to do it" (he said it was perhaps a confidence issue for him). So alas, after a few weeks of no change in his desires I made a move. I suggested that we have sex and he said "maybe later" and then went out to a friends place. Meanwhile I lay in bed crying and crying. 

 

He completes me in every way. He's supportive, kind, funny and smart. But he's my best friend. The romantic / sexual attraction has faded. I'm hurt from 6 years of being made to feel like I'm a bad person for wanting to sleep with my partner. I would do it every day if I could!! I have an abnormally high sex drive for a female... but I feel empty, alone and I don't know how I can marry someone who can't give me what i need 'in the bedroom'.

 

So, Last night i sat sat him down and we had a good talk. I told him how i felt again and that I was starting to fall out of love with him because to me sex is up there with all the rest of important relationship ideals (safety, security, friendship). I had to be honest and tell him that when I'm out (I.e. At a bar) and a man hits on me my first thought isn't "hey, back off I have a fiancé" it's "wow, I wonder what he'd be like in bed." - it's such an unfair thing to think when you're supposed to be getting married. But when you're not 'getting it' I guess it just happens. 

 

Anyway, He wants to go and see a therapist and find out why he 'is that way' and why he doesn't have the drive or desires. I'm afraid he may be a-sexual (from my description does it sound like it)? I know He has more underlying issues there about self-confidence / shyness and the inability to talk about his emotions and feelings. 

 

As much as I love him with all my heart, sometimes I wonder if love is enough when I am a highly sexual person and I am not getting what i need. Has anyone bounced back from this?

 

TL;DR: I feel my fiancé may be a-sexual (we have sex maybe every five to six months but it always feels forced) and I don't know how or if I will ever get past the feelings of sexual rejection or live my life being unfulfilled. Seeking advice. 

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Bisexual here. Joined due in part due to my aromaticism, and the fact ive somehow fallen into a polyrelationship with 3 asexuals. Go figure hah

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Nice to meet you! I'm here for almost the same reasons as you, have a few friends coming out as ace/demi and want to learn more about the community!

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On 21/07/2017 at 0:04 PM, Hayden Dun said:

Nice to meet you! I'm here for almost the same reasons as you, have a few friends coming out as ace/demi and want to learn more about the community!

Welcome :)

 

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Hi folks.  I cam here today to give me something mindless to dig into, and maybe even vent.  Okay... I am venting, so skip this post if your not up for that right now.  

 

I am a sexual, who has decided after 4 years of marriage to an asexual (very likely), that I was leaving him yesterday.  I barely have the financial means to do so, but I have to start to love myself.  

 

I broke it off yesterday because I felt like he left me no choice in my role in the relationship as a woman with the desire to be loved and cherished, and perhaps even some sex one every couple months. (this was a once a year situation, always like he was guilt-ed into it).  So, naturally I sought answers from him.  Why were we so different than our friends with kids?   I had a few boyfriends before him without any reason to think I was a bad looking gal. Not a lot of hangups in the bedroom.   just thought that he needed to relax and he would get more comfortable with time, in the first year.  HE WANTED ME TO BELIEVE THIS KIND OF NONSENSE, as long as it kept me calm and not digging into his real feelings, or should I say, the Void. 

 

He basically took away things that i desperately wanted and said they were really un-essential.  He could not empathize or sympathize with the actual grief and and damage this was causing.  Rejection, then no validation, over and over.  He didn't talk about his aversion. He also implied many times that it was my fault for one reason or another, as a means of getting me off his back when I desperately pleaded for the truth. 

 

So, here I am.  I am hurt and offended that he did not tell me the truth before marriage.  I am even more offended that he took it upon himself to deem the entire situation unimportant, or at least not AS important as preserving his secret, or whatever he would call it.  His specific asexuality caused his needs to be so much more valid than my needs, that he allowed it to do terrible devastation to my heart/body/mind/self-esteem.  What could he have done differently?  Not decide these things for me.  Put his scared little self-centered-bullshit to the side, and at any point in the last four years of my life, put my feelings as a priority over his (weather he could sympathize or not). Respect. 

 

He even said he wanted kids, but after marriage, he said that he has absolutely no desire for children. It made sense when I stop beating up myself, and took a step-back to see the big picture.  I put the pieces together.  "Making Kids" a terrifying concept. 

 

One day after leaving, and it is all so clear.  AND HE FINALLY SPOKE THE TRUTH. 

 

He finally admitted today that he was completely devoid of feelings about this topic, plus kinda disgusted by it too.  He admitted that he doesn't have sexual thoughts when he masturbates, he doesn't connect it with anything.  He admits that he would rather get divorced than seek counseling because he has no emotional compulsion to compromise. Like that part is just missing from him in a way so real that he has hid it from every person he has ever known.  

 

The only clue I had that lead me to the truth was that he "let it slip" that he had broken-up with his previous girlfriend as a result of a "sexual problem."  He didn't admit this until 3.5 years in!  It was the first and only time he gave me some validation that I was not crazy.

 

:( Saddest part is when you think you have a normal life and a great partner, but then you are like, wait, why has he NEVER looked me in the eyes and expresses true love and appreciation or fondness for me?  He knew the truth, and let me suffer. That's awful.   

 

Of course there was the devastating, throwing my hands away in utter disgust, plus that, plus his avoidance of talking about the issue... that was it!   I had to leave with only this information. 

 

I am not trying to offend people on the other end of the spectrum.  I am having a really hard time, so go easy on me, please if I have not slowed down this rant enough to carefully choose my words, etc. 

 

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