Fellow Sexuals

[cupid69]

On 2/22/2017 at 1:16 PM, Sentcan said:

 

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[MrDane]

On 8/2/2017 at 4:08 AM, DJKaf said:

HI,

I started reading all the posts and lots of YES! THIS! happened. Anyway I didn't read them all, or even that many at this stage. Its hard to read. 

 

Im married to an asexual man and I'm a sexual woman. I don't blame him because I genuinely think he didn't know. He just thinks he "broken" or "different" without being able to label why. The only time we have sex is when trying to conceive a child - current tally 1 child, one attempt for a second down, new month, new try this month. 

Gosh why is this so hard to write. 

So we met I was 22 he was 30 and at the time i identified as Lesbian. We met and fell in love with very little sexual stuff happening I just really fell in love with him as a person. Then thanks to viagra some sexual stuff happened but not much and I thought it was me - maybe I'm not this or not that blah blah. 

I tried to push the topic for years eventually becoming depressed and anorexic in an attempt to control the things I didn't understand. If I were thinner, if i were this if I were that but ultimately it gave me something to focus on. 

I went to therapy, I got better, healthier slowly. Met a girl! Oh and my body came alive again. Left him for the girl. She had her own mess going on with her ex so it kind of fell away. Meanwhile my husband was falling apart. I've seen men fall apart after breakups but I thought he would never be the same again. And I missed the hell out of him! Above all he was/is my best friend. Sooooo we ended up getting back together. And then we ended up getting pregnant accidentally as I went off birth control when I met the girl. He was in the win her back have sex with her stage which lasted a total of 2 times. We terminated that pregnancy.

We moved to New Zealand from our current home of Dubai. Brought a house. Got married. Tried sex therapy. It was a fail, it was just so much strain on our relationship to try and fix the sex. Tried every dr I could possibly think of. Nothing. Then it was time to have a baby, I desperately wanted the first baby but we were both unemployed and trying to pay a mortgage. So it took us two months or awful, mechanical, gut wrenching sex to conceive our baby girl. Then as I was breastfeeding it took me a full two years to even get a libido back which was great. But then my hormones came back and I would quite like some sex and another baby! 

SO now we begin the process of horrible, mechanical sex to get the baby. I did offer to self inseminate if he preferred but he got very offended and babies should be made the proper way. 

We have also had a history of his cheating and by cheating I don't mean physically obviously but lots of sharing of sexual photos and sexual chat over messages. Which is devastating to me because I would happily take even that!!! But he choose to give that sexual part of himself away to someone else. I now understand more why though. Because there is no fear with messages that he will be expected to actually "perform" or it go any further into physical contact. 

 

I don't know if asexual is what he actually is. And our story doesn't paint a very good picture of our relationship but underneath it all we love each other and he's an awesome dad. and right now what I WANT is another baby. So thats what I'm focusing on first. Which may seem crazy but it is what it is. I guess a few red flags popped up for me when i asked about his sexual history a bit recently after a therapy session. We finally got onto the topic of our sex life after spending two years on his infidelity. I asked him when his sex drive slowed or stopped. And he said he never really had one. Thats when my heart fell because thats when I knew no amount of therapy or treatment will fix him because he's not broken he's just him. 

 

So for now we focus on raising a family. First one more little baby then when we get to the point its a problem for me we talk about it and find a solution. Im open to having some sort of open relationship and am one of those people that can have amazing sex with someone and not be emotionally connected to them, although I'll admit there does need to be something there. And how that fares for our relationship I don't know. But I am very concerned that right now he feels he HAS to have sex with me to keep the relationship. I have been in a relationship where Ive been pressured into sex and I didn't want it and its awful so I never want him to feel like that. But he does. 

I don't have any of the answers. SO I'm here seeking them out, learning how to be respectful to him, to us, to me how to support him and raise a family together where one of us has to sacrifice. but my right nows are our family. Thats important. And although I'm sure people will think I'm crazy if I were single I would be pursuing another child with a donor so I don't think of it as any different right now except I also have love and support. 

 

ok well thanks for listening/reading. 

DJ

 

For what it is worth; thank you for sharing your story. I can so much relate to this. I have spend years on thinking that I was wrong, but it turns out that no matter what I did, she still didnt/couldnt desire sex with me. Now I feel alone, though I am in a loving relationship with occasional sex!

[RedSheep2]

I'm a celibate sex-repulsed sexual. I'm here because I relate to asexuals on a particular level. 

[cupid69]

On 7/10/2014 at 2:56 AM, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

 

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[nanogretchen4]

I don't quite understand your comment. The quoted post is all about an asexual accepting the reality that their mixed relationship just wasn't working and putting on their grownup pants and leaving. Now no one is compromising because the sexual ex has been set free to find love with a compatible partner. Meanwhile the asexual put in the necessary effort to find another asexual to love instead of giving up without really trying or learning nothing from experience and using dishonest tactics to snare another sexual. As a result of this clearheadedness and determination, the asexual found true happiness with a compatible partner. So, happy ending for everyone. That was my takeaway at any rate.

[cupid69]

On 3/3/2017 at 12:49 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

 

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[Sally]

1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Good luck to her for finding a way though it all 

Apostle, the  post you showed was written 3 years ago; you could likely find a more recent post to prove your point.  

[AshenPhoenix]

Yeah I agree with sally, let's leave the stuff from 2014 in 2014, if you have a point you wish to make there's no reason to do it solely by questioning another's actions.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Apostle said:

~ Hello from an asexual who compromised (a lot) ~ 

Hi there to all the sexual partners of asexuals, and to the asexuals also following this thread *waves*

In reply to the above quote, in some mixed relationships, it's the asexual that gives all the compromise!

I was responding to the first few lines of the post, me being a sexual partner to an asexual. It's a huge compromise for most sexuals to give up sex, despite the fact they love their partners. The statement 'in some mixed relationships' tells the story whereby it's really only a few people who manage to find true happiness in a sexual/asexual relationship. Good luck to her for finding a way though it all BUT, she did leave her partner where many others carry on. It was just her way of finding who she was, no more than that. Most people don't get that opportunity do they (as can be seen from the hundreds of posts on this website). Some are continually unhappy but cannot find a way out of their situation. C'est la vie!

I stayed with my ex for five whole years, "compromising" sexually day in and day out hoping to keep him happy. I also figured I was a broken freak who for some reason couldn't enjoy or desire sex the way other people do, so I kind of figured I deserved what was happening to me. I was also 18 when we met, he was 32, and I'd never had a boyfriend before, so there's that.

 

Despite being on the pill, I fell pregnant twice, and the second time his violence escalated to the extent I was afraid he'd kill me with the baby inside me. Because I was pregnant and had a toddler, I was able to get women's refuge services involved and literally had to run away with my toddler, while pregnant, and live in a shelter until I could find a home where he wouldn't be able to find us. I was paying for the house I lived in with my ex, I owned everything in it (had to leave it all behind), and didn't own a car or know how to drive, or have any support network. So yeah, I know all about it being "difficult to leave" I just knew I had no choice due to the physical danger my unborn child was in and knowing how hearing the violence would be affecting my toddler.

 

It wasn't easy. I didn't just "give up" or anything.. I fought tooth and nail for years to try to make him happy and leaving was a lot more physically difficult for me than it would be for many people, due to how dangerous he was (he'd said and demonstrated many times that he'd kill me if I left) and having pretty much nowhere to go other than a battered women's shelter, having to leave everything I own behind, etc etc. I also hated knowing I  had "failed" so miserably at making my relationship work and making my ex happy. I wouldn't have left if there was any other way but all the compromise in the world just wasn't enough, because he wanted me to *want* sex, not just to give it.

 

He was never happy with my constant compromise because he knew I wasn't desiring and enjoying the sex the way other women do, and I was obviously in a state of constant fear, pain, and misery. I am in no way saying he is typical of sexuals or that my relationship was typical of mixed relationships, just there are times when the asexual compromises 100% of the time praying to eventually make it work and the sexual partner refuses to compromise in any way, and the sexual still can't be happy despite the compromise on the part of the asexual. I'm not the only person here who has been in that situation on this site and I was replying (if I remember correctly - it was 3 years ago after all) to someone who seemed to think it's the sexuals who have to compromise 100% of the time or something along those lines. I was also trying to say I understand how it feels being the one who has to give all the compromise, even though I was talking from the other side of the fence.

 

If you'd actually read my post I was wishing mixed couples luck and saying I respect those who can make it work, because I sure couldn't despite trying for 5 years.  Also, if two people can't make their relationship work and are miserable together, despite having tried to fix their issues for years, they are probably better off breaking up and trying to find their happiness elsewhere while remaining friends if possible. Just my opinion.

 

Regardless of that, I don't identify as asexual anymore despite having been happily celibate since leaving my sexual ex (almost 6 years ago now). I know I could maybe enjoy certain sexual acts enough to possibly choose to have them under some circumstances, so yeah, I'm a sexual who doesn't give much of a toss about sex and gets no pleasure out of having things done to my genitals by other people. Takes all sorts to make a world.

 

Feels pretty strange coming back from a ban to have to defend a post I made like 3 years ago lol.

 

 

 

 

[cupid69]

On 3/4/2017 at 12:03 AM, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

 

 

 

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[Hysteriaangel]

So in a previous post on here I expressed that my husband identifies as asexual. I was satisfied with that answer at first as far as questioning why we were in our current situation. As time has gone on I've had doubts creeping up on me. A little background is needed to explain where I'm coming from. In the beginning of our struggles I found my then boyfriend, looking at porn. I told him it upset me. Mainly because I felt betrayed that he would rather look at that than be with me. (this was when we were going longer and longer in between) He said he wouldn't look at it anymore because it upset me. He told me in many arguments that it was a big sacrifice for him because he used to watch it like the morning news. I thought maybe he had become desensitized to all things sexual because of it and he said it could have been a possibility. Fast forward. Just yesterday I was unpacking boxes in the garage (we just moved) looking for the tin foil when I found a 3 page neatly written letter folded in half. It was a letter confessing his love to the previous girl before me. I was curious so I read it. Of course I was annoyed to find such a thing in our belongings especially after 3 moves with me and us getting married. That is a memory I get it. One of the things that really bothered me was the fact that he showered her with compliments on her beauty and gushed about her as a person and remarked how she made his knees buckle and so on. I was bothered because he has never told me anything even close to that. The only thing he has ever said was that I was his pretty frog (pet name) after I made a big deal 3 years ago into the relationship that he never told me I was attractive. The second thing that bothered me was apparently he had traveled to see her and they had slept together and then he had turned her down for a second time for sex. He explained that he didn't do it because it was such an emotional thing for him and he knew that she didn't feel the same way. He expressed that he wanted to be in a relationship so it would be emotional for both of them. So there it was, emotional in another relationship... While looking in different boxes I found more nudey magizines... old ones I could tell. He has boxes of them. What is really going on here? Is he asexual or is he settling for an answer that keeps me from bothering him? He seems all to eager to just go along with whatever I can find. I told him that we needed to have a serious talk and find some sort of compromise after our move. I said my heart and soul was counting on it and he agreed. I tried to talk to him about it but he just sat there in silence. I cried. I told him I wish he knew how I felt... Now I don't know what is going on. He doesn't at all seem interested  in my feelings about this or his new found orientation. I can't go on like this much longer. 

[nanogretchen4]

That's the problem when the sexual partner is the one who learns about asexuality and decides that their partner is asexual. What is clear is that your husband does not want to have sex with you and does not want to discuss it or deal with your feelings. I'm sure he figured out that you wanted him to say that he's asexual, and that saying it was the easiest way to get you off his back. It may or may not be true, and he may or may not believe it. It probably doesn't matter at this point, because there is obviously a severe incompatibility as well as a lack of emotional intimacy and good communication. You can tell him that you need to talk, but it takes two to tango. I would suggest asking him to go to couples counseling with you. Very likely he will refuse. If he agrees, then at least that shows a willingness to deal with problems in your marriage and work on them. If not, you can't keep a marriage going all by yourself. I think you should set a timeline at least in your own mind for when you will file for divorce unless things improve. Maybe keep a journal and every two weeks take stock of how your marriage has been going and after six months it's decision time. If he is asexual and you aren't having sex, from his point of view everything is awesome and he just has to rely on the inertia of a marriage to drag out the status quo indefinitely. While he stalls, your life is passing by and you don't sound happy. If he won't go to couples counseling with you, maybe you should go to counseling yourself to help you through this difficult situation. I hope things get better for you.

[cupid69]

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[nanogretchen4]

Since you don't know whether your husband is actually asexual or there's something else going on, a counselor who is an expert on asexuality may not be necessary. It sounds like your husband just wants to passively drag out the status quo by not doing anything or saying anything. A counselor who is open minded about minority orientations but inexperienced with asexuality specifically might be a good thing. If your husband really believes he is asexual he will have to be the one to say so and explain what that means to him and how he is feeling and what he actually wants. If he doesn't have someone making assumptions for him and feeding him his lines, he doesn't get to be passive dead weight in the conversation.

[MrDane]

@Apostle Communication is key, but as a sexual, I want to say that communicating love and affection is often done among the average sexuals in a combination of sweet words, hugs, kisses, smiles, touches and some mutually desired sex as the icing on the cake. It is still how I communicate my love and still how I 'receive' her communication of love. My intellectual understanding of the concept asexuality does not change my inner structural form of communication.

[Hysteriaangel]

Well I tried just talking it out and he just shut down. Told me that he doesn't snoop through my stuff and that if the letter didn't matter (as in I don't care that there is a love letter to an ex in the house) then why am I talking about it. I tried to explain the parts that upset me and he said I was just trying to cause trouble. He told me that he just doesn't want intimacy of any kind very often. (his go to phrase for never :P) I told him that I understood he can't change who he is and I can't change who I am but that we needed to come to some sort of compromise. He just stormed out of the room. I did get pretty angry. I feel like he just continues to kick the can down the road and that we just avoid the issue at hand. I told him that it would be the last time I "burdened" him with my problem. That I would never mention it to him again. Of course I said those things out of anger. He seemed relieved though! I love my husband very much. I'm just not sure this dynamic can last. I'm tempted to tell him that I'm opening the relationship and if he has anything to say about it maybe that needs to be the end. I know that's selfish. I just get angry at the fact that he doesn't even care that I'm feeling neglected or hurt. He makes zero effort. He actually told me in our fight that I just needed to be grateful for the things I currently have because other women aren't so lucky. 

[cupid69]

On 3/10/2017 at 2:27 AM, Hysteriaangel said:

 

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[Hysteriaangel]

I do have family and friends. I sometimes wonder if I pushed him to this point. Maybe with me bringing this up over and over again it made him feel like less of a man. I feel somewhat responsible for all of this. I just wanted to come to an understanding and compromise. Thank you all for listening to my rantings. It really is nice to have people to talk to about these issues. 

[ace_friend_ally]

So I am here mostly because I just had a conversation with my best friend and roommate and during the course of the conversation it became increasingly clear that she was asexual (confirming something I'd imagined to be the case for quite some time). So I said to her point blank "friend, when you describe your experience it sounds like you may be asexual. Have you thought about that?" She just looked at me for a second before responding "yeah, I've thought about it a lot and considered it but I don't really think I understand what the difference is between my experience and the experience of other people."

 

From there we had a long conversation where for the first time she was able to openly compare her experience to the experience of a sexual person (though I myself am a low-sexual, but not quite asexual male, so obviously my experience is different than a sexual woman's experience). I'll write more about this experience in a different thread.

 

I am basically here because I want to be as supportive an ally to her as possible as she begins to explore and better understand her asexuality. 

[donQuixote]

I am hear because I believe that I married to an asexual.   I am trying to find ways to make our mixed relationship more comfortable for both of us.  We have been married for 18 years and together for 26. We dated for 8 years before getting married, were in love and compatible sexually.  As time went on our frequency decreased and her interest in relations decreased.  We always assumed that the decreasing labido was a result of some health issues.  In the last couple years she realized/admitted that she didn't feel sexual attraction.  I heard the term asexual a few years back, but never really knew what it was.  A light bulb went off a couple weeks back about a sexual...non sexual.  A little searching and I found this site.

[deleted_account]

deleted

[cupid69]

On 4/28/2017 at 9:56 PM, Worry! At the Theatre said:

 

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[Max Payne]

sexual, just trying to learn more about asexuals. 

[joeymac]

I'm here to help me understand an asexual friend , and as conceited as this sounds , specifically - why she will not include me more in her life.

[cupid69]

On 7/3/2017 at 4:33 PM, joeymac said:

 

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[pbass82]

I'm a sexual. I found aven accidentally a while back when I was trying to understand why my boyfriend wasn't interested in sex. I had never heard of asexual before. Aven popped up in the search criteria. 

 I've been reading for a while, just basically to try to get an understanding of him. Personally, I was mystified by his nonexistent sex drive. 

 Finally decided to become a member. I've tried to talk with close friends and family members, but they all say leave him. I love him and would rather give up sex than him.

[iff]

Welcome @pbass82 I hope it helps here

[cupid69]

On 7/6/2017 at 7:40 PM, pbass82 said:

 

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[gaogao]

37 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Sexual and asexual relationships rarely work as one or both always has to make a compromise and usually the sexual loses out ... I agree that some asexuals commit to a physical relationship but the sexual will always know it is done as a bartering chip and that the lovemaking is in effect a fake.

Oh my god? It's not "usually the sexual" who loses out - it's ALWAYS both who lose out. 

 

Yes, the sexual will always know that 'lovemaking is fake' if the ace compromises and actually has sex with them, but if the sexual decides on celibacy, the ace will also know and feel guilty for depriving their sexual partner of something that is inherently important to most people -- which, honestly, is just as much of a bargaining chip as your scenario. 

 

This is why mixed relationships rarely work out. BOTH people in the relationship have to compromise no matter what the outcome, it is NEVER just one.

 

[ edit to add that it would be fair to say that a lot of aces don't really know how important sex is to a lot of people, so sexual partners often have to explain this to them - but i think if they refuse to understand their partner when they talk about it, the issue is more to do with communication and refusal to listen rather than sexual compromise... and tbh this works both ways because sexuals often can't comprehend how little sex means to aces and get frustrated ]

[cupid69]

On 7/7/2017 at 11:43 AM, gaogao said:

 

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