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18 hours ago, SusannaC said:

@JMS You chose a perfectly fine place to post and welcome.   What matters is that you are here, seeking support.   I hope you find it.  I would suggest you go back and read some older sections- some are very helpful!

Thank you Susanna.  I will do what you suggest.

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On 1/11/2020 at 9:14 PM, JMS said:

I'm new here and, importantly, new to understanding all of this.  My introduction was accidental; I was listening to a favorite comic and she mentioned she was asexual in an interview.  I had never heard the term before but, after doing some research, I have come to believe that my wife is asexual.  Just prior to marriage nearly 40 years ago, she told me she was "frigid" (her words, and while I thought I knew what it meant intellectually, physically, I had no idea).  I don't know if they are one and the same but its been well over 5 years since we have been intimate and, even before then, sex was...difficult and it grew apparent that she didn't, doesn't enjoy it.  She has never sought it out and I don't try anymore.  I am reading the forums and such, and have much to learn but am so glad I have found a support group.  I hope it can help...sometimes its a lot harder to deal with than others. 

 

Sorry if this was not the right place to post...please point me in the right direction as needed. 

 

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23 hours ago, JMS said:

I'm new here and, importantly, new to understanding all of this.  My introduction was accidental; I was listening to a favorite comic and she mentioned she was asexual in an interview.  I had never heard the term before but, after doing some research, I have come to believe that my wife is asexual.  Just prior to marriage nearly 40 years ago, she told me she was "frigid" (her words, and while I thought I knew what it meant intellectually, physically, I had no idea).  I don't know if they are one and the same but its been well over 5 years since we have been intimate and, even before then, sex was...difficult and it grew apparent that she didn't, doesn't enjoy it.  She has never sought it out and I don't try anymore.  I am reading the forums and such, and have much to learn but am so glad I have found a support group.  I hope it can help...sometimes its a lot harder to deal with than others. 

 

Sorry if this was not the right place to post...please point me in the right direction as needed. 

Welcome. It can be difficult to navigate, especially after figuring out things years into marriage. Hopefully it helps being here. :cake:

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18 hours ago, Apostle said:

You won't get a lot of sympathy for your plight on this website. Be careful of some asexuals' comments as they can be misleading. You will find out who the baiters are in due course but best of luck with your quest. Your situation is unlikely to change in your lifetime so learn to live with it if you can is my only suggestion. 

Not sure I'm looking for sympathy but my own better understanding.  I've been in this situation for 40 years...I know by now its not going to change, but its good to see that I am not alone.  

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17 hours ago, CBC said:

Ignore this, @JMS. 🙄 You will indeed receive support from fellow members. Welcome, and I hope you find it beneficial to be here and to read and post. :cake: 

I take it for what its worth.  I am already getting support, and understanding that I am not alone.  I'm glad I found this site, and that you all have responded.  Thank you.

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18 hours ago, Serran said:

Welcome. It can be difficult to navigate, especially after figuring out things years into marriage. Hopefully it helps being here. :cake:

Thanks, Serran, and yes, it helps to see that there are others who have faced...are facing...this.  

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On 6/13/2019 at 8:53 PM, uhtred said:

In  the 1980s  when I was 18 I met a girl and fell in love. The term asexual wasn't known back then, but I did know that I desired her sexually but she did not desire me.  I felt guilty for my desire. I felt like love should triumph over all, and that I should rise above my base nature.    We are still married, and I still love her.  

 

But - scarcely a day has gone by in the last almost 40 years that I have not felt some resentment that I have never had the sort of sex life that would have made me happy.  I have everything I ever wanted in life - but there is that one hole that nothing can fill.   There are brief times when she does become interested in sex for a few weeks or a month, and I remember what it is to be happy.   It is made worse by knowing that she loves me and wants to make me happy. 

 

Don't be me.   You and she are not compatible. There is not fault / blame. Neither of you is a bad person.  But you won't be happy together. 

I unfortunately have to agree.  

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I understand that it is difficult not to be bitter and resentful, but we are all individuals. Even asexuals. I "released" my sexual because he wasn't happy with the lack of sex and it made the marriage unhappy. He didn't want to be "released".

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18 hours ago, JMS said:

I unfortunately have to agree.  

I agree too. About 40 years for me. Lady I love but never to be physically entwined.😢

Looking for a partner with the full ingredients is not an easy task is it?

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54 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I agree too. About 40 years for me. Lady I love but never to be physically entwined.😢

Looking for a partner with the full ingredients is not an easy task is it?

About the same for me.  As my life as slowed down a bit, its becoming a bit more difficult to deal with.  I used to travel extensively and work hard...but now that I don't and I am home more....its more difficult. 

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2 hours ago, alibali said:

I understand that it is difficult not to be bitter and resentful, but we are all individuals. Even asexuals. I "released" my sexual because he wasn't happy with the lack of sex and it made the marriage unhappy. He didn't want to be "released".

I don't blame her, but must confess there has been bitterness and resent,  BUT, she is who she is and has lots of amazing qualities.  What I now face are my choices...not easy choices, but mine alone.  

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23 minutes ago, JMS said:

What I now face are my choices...not easy choices, but mine alone.  

Not quite sure what this means given @alibali’s point. They released their sexual, unhappy partner: meaning the decision can go either way perhaps. 

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1 hour ago, Apostle said:

I agree too. About 40 years for me. Lady I love but never to be physically entwined.😢

Looking for a partner with the full ingredients is not an easy task is it?

40 years for me too.

 

I suppose not.  But for so long I blamed myself or avoided it altogether.  Now, I have somewhere to turn, I hope. 

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1 minute ago, Traveler40 said:

Not quite sure what this means given @alibali’s point. They released their sexual, unhappy partner: meaning the decision can go either way perhaps. 

Sorry, just responding more inside my head than anything else.  My point was that I don't blame her for her orientation (is that the right word?).  Whether or not I choose to ask to be released or what I do about it is my choice alone. 

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55 minutes ago, JMS said:

About the same for me.  As my life as slowed down a bit, its becoming a bit more difficult to deal with.  I used to travel extensively and work hard...but now that I don't and I am home more....its more difficult. 

That’s a really interesting point.  Societally/collectively we have the sense that both the desire for and occurrence of sex within longstanding couples decreases over time (for a whole host of reasons), something which ace and low-libido sexual people may look forward to seeing happen.

 

Several individuals have talked about how that DOESN’T represent their experience, at least from a desire perspective... but I don’t recall seeing anyone else note that a change/lessening in “job responsibilities” brought the mismatch in their relationship into sharper relief.

 

I have to think that might happen more often than we know, though.

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17 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That’s a really interesting point.  Societally/collectively we have the sense that both the desire for and occurrence of sex within longstanding couples decreases over time (for a whole host of reasons), something which ace and low-libido sexual people may look forward to seeing happen.

 

Several individuals have talked about how that DOESN’T represent their experience, at least from a desire perspective... but I don’t recall seeing anyone else note that a change/lessening in “job responsibilities” brought the mismatch in their relationship into sharper relief.

 

I have to think that might happen more often than we know, though.

Well, I think I buried my desire with work and travel.  I was always busy and on the go.   Now, I work from home as I get closer to retirement.  Its more in front of me.   I can think of several reasons this has heightened rather than diminished my desire for sex but those may only be my own. 

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19 hours ago, JMS said:

Well, I think I buried my desire with work and travel.  I was always busy and on the go.   Now, I work from home as I get closer to retirement.  Its more in front of me.   I can think of several reasons this has heightened rather than diminished my desire for sex but those may only be my own. 

If I were you I'd concentrate more on filling your life with other forms of entertainment, like a sport maybe, or the gym, swimming, tennis, tai chi, in fact fill your mind and body with activities that will tend to take up the slack. If you can maybe expand your social life as well, with or without your SO it will enrich you. 

There are very few sexual males who make it to this website and express how they feel and it's very difficult to get any answers as there aren't any! You are who you are and the same goes for any partner. 

As you point out, your relationship is good except for sexual intimacy. I would work on the good bits and expand on them. You will never change someone's sexuality and this website will not give you any answers to this. Hope you can see where I am going with this and good luck for the future!

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3 hours ago, Apostle said:

If I were you I'd concentrate more on filling your life with other forms of entertainment, like a sport maybe, or the gym, swimming, tennis, tai chi, in fact fill your mind and body with activities that will tend to take up the slack. If you can maybe expand your social life as well, with or without your SO it will enrich you. 

There are very few sexual males who make it to this website and express how they feel and it's very difficult to get any answers as there aren't any! You are who you are and the same goes for any partner. 

As you point out, your relationship is good except for sexual intimacy. I would work on the good bits and expand on them. You will never change someone's sexuality and this website will not give you any answers to this. Hope you can see where I am going with this and good luck for the future!

Thanks, Apostle, that is the same conclusion I've reached.  I know there are no answers...I've been looking for them without realizing there are others in this boat for a very long time.  SO, if nothing else, I have learned I am not alone and that its her orientation and not something I did or do.  That is a whole lot of good from my perspective.

 

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Learning I’m not alone still leaves me feeling a lot alone.  Maybe it’s just my mood today, my depression rearing it’s ugly head. 

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29 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

Learning I’m not alone still leaves me feeling a lot alone.  Maybe it’s just my mood today, my depression rearing it’s ugly head. 

Sorry you’re feeling crappy!  *hugs*
 

Learning I’m not alone isn’t the same as solving something, and sometimes it carries unhappiness along with it (ugh, maybe there IS no solution!), but it usually does help me in this sense:

 

1 hour ago, JMS said:

not something I did or do

 

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57 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

Learning I’m not alone still leaves me feeling a lot alone.  

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way today. You’re definitely not alone, but that doesn’t solve the situation. It can feel empty and vast. Hope this passes quickly. 🤗 

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2 hours ago, SusannaC said:

Learning I’m not alone still leaves me feeling a lot alone.  Maybe it’s just my mood today, my depression rearing it’s ugly head. 

Hi, I do understand that too.  I hope it passes quickly too.  For me, its so eye opening that I'm not the only one experiencing this, that, while knowing the whys does not "fix" anything (and won't), the positive for me is that I can talk to others who understand, who know the pain.  I've not had that before. 

 

To all of you who have responded, thank you so very much.  I wish I could hug you all.

 

Thank you Susanna...it means a lot to me. 

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I suspect there are many more sexuals who do not know about their SO's sexuality and bear the pain alone. At least on this site there are a few of us who truly understand what we are experiencing. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello, my name is Angelique. I met my boyfriend at work, and we were instantly enamored with each other. It was an instant connection and we quickly started a relationship and found a lot. I can’t say that I’ve been more happy in a relationship or more in love with anyone. But everything went downhill when it came to any sexual conversation or contact. My boyfriend (i’ll just call him BF from now on so he can remain anonymous) is asexual and I am not. When we first were dating he told me he didn’t want to have sex because of past experiences with his ex-girlfriend that made him feel self-conscious about having sexual dysfunctions. So being only the second woman he’s ever slept with, I understood and didn’t  take it personally. And then two other times we had sex it seemed like he genuinely wanted to have sex with me. It seemed like he really wanted to have sex with me, for all the reasons that someone would have sex with someone that they love. For emotional connection, sexual pleasure and because you are sexually attracted to that person. After one night of showing signs of wanting to have sex with him and him not wanting to or realizing what I was trying to do I finally realized there is something deeper into what was happening. One night after trying to flirt with him and him not reciprocating or acknowledging my flirtation. I asked him if he found me sexy. And he said he did. But after more conversation he finally said he identified as asexual and did not have any sexual attraction. At first it was hard to compromise On how to move forward and it was hard for me to  wrap my head around the thought of being asexual as I am a very sexual person and very much enjoy sex on various levels. But most of all I feel like I’ve been lied to and I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that he basically tested his sexuality out on me to figure out if he was asexual or not. He admitted to doing this because he so badly didn’t want to identify as asexual, I asked him why he ask for nude pictures of me if he believed himself to be asexual, and his reply was “I wanted to find out if I was really a sexual or not.” I feel used and most of all I feel insanely unattractive. He says that he finds me aesthetically attractive, which I also don’t understand, I don’t think I’d be able to understand no matter how many times he explained it to me. But he says what he finds attractive is my face and hair, which leads me to question does he find my body disgusting? I’m not just a head so I’m having a very hard time feeling pretty around him or feeling even like I want to do things like hold hands, hug or kiss because he doesn’t find me attractive. I’m not just a face I’m a whole body and he’s not attracted to the whole of me I have a hard time believing him when he says he thinks I’m pretty. Another reason I’m having a hard time, is he says he will have sex with me for “my sake” but I don’t want to have sex with someone who’s just having sex to please me. It feels fake, it feels forced and I’m disgusted with myself for wanting to have sex, and what’s the point of him having sex with me if he doesn’t have get anything out of it.  He’s tried to explain several times he gets emotional connection out of it because we’re spending time together, but we could be spending time together not having sex, which I know that’s what he’d rather do. And that’s not good enough for me.  We decided to have an open relationship, so I can get my sexual needs, but I only want to have sex with him because I love him and that is a form of love I would like to show him and have received on myself. I love him very much, and I want to stay with him because in every way conceivable besides sexual attraction we are perfect for each other. I’m desperate for this to work, I’m desperate to understand, I don’t understand asexuality (especially his), he’s my Prince Charming other than this issue we are having.  Are there any other sexual partners of asexual‘s having this issue, and if so how did you get over it?

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I'm an asexual probably verging slightly on the heterosexual. I'm single and divorced and have had several relationships.  Occasionally I would  like a cuddle from the opposite sex, but mostly I just want their company.  If your BF really is an asexual then he is not likely to ever make the connection between wanting to be with you and sex. I am sure he does find you attractive but again he is not going to make the connection between that and sex. I think your self esteem has been affected by his lack of desire but you need to understand that his lack of desire is not to do with attractiveness so please don't "take it personally".

 

I don't think this is something either side understands. Its something we just have to accept about the people in our lives.

 

So some hard choices.  If he is the individual you want to be with for the long term you would have to accept that you will have to compromise on sex as he will if you do have sex.

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Hello. I'm relatively new here and have been reading many forum posts and stories on mixed orientation relationships. I have not yet posted anything on forums or anything, so this is new. Please excuses if I am in the wrong place. I'm here because even though I have had some sort of suspicion that my girlfriend is asexual, I always just thought she felt disinterested for personal reasons like being nervous about anything sexual, since she has a lot of social anxiety,

 

Recently, after talking to her about asexuality, asking general questions about how she feels about certain sexual things to determine whether she is asexual or not, she definitely is. We have been together for over 4 years now, but it's been quite tough on the both of us. I am very sexual (seriously, with no doubt, as straight as an arrow). This caused problems more recently than it ever has, because even though we were sexually engaging with each other, she never before expressed how much she doesn't like it (aside from feeling neutral about things, nothing that I thought would constitute as being serious). We've never had sex, because she asked that we wait until we are in a better place in our lives with our own house. Now, I could respect that, and would never force her to participate in coital activities without her full consent.

 

She expressed that every time we would have some form of outercourse, she would feel very sad, even though she doesn't "hate" it. She has always displayed a disinterest in any form of sex, and never, ever thinks about it. It would never bother her if she were to never engage in any sexual activity. Now, to express further, she is comfortable with hugging and kissing, but kissing is where it stops in terms of pleasure (I guess it could be worse for me).

 

She stopped being intimate with me not only because I can't bring myself to do anything with her knowing she doesn't enjoy it, but also because she feels somewhat repulsed by any sexual activity. She is trying hard to fill my needs, but I can't let her do things she doesn't want to do, even if that means I'll be tense, sad and irritable (which also makes things difficult).

 

So here is the conundrum:

- I enjoy outercourse, and would love to continue to intercourse, but she does not enjoy outercourse, and does not want sex (she says we can one day, but we both know the problem will stay, since she won't magically begin to like sexual activities).

- We have tried numerous compromises from where I would not engage and wait for her to initiate anything (which ends up where she just never initiates for weeks or months), and where she says she'll occasionally be intimate. This also doesn't work, because she definitely does not enjoy it, and I still feel like I'm using her.

 

I looked up polyamory and open relationships, but knowing her, she won't let that ship sail. How does one proceed? There are numerous accounts and forum posts and topic on this, I have seen, but yet, I see no answer but to 

 

1. suck it up, and respect her boundaries.

2. break it off (which I don't want to do). (I mean really don't. She is absolutely perfect, our views on life, the future, etc are so perfect. I doubt I could find someone who would fill my sexual needs as well as my romantic, emotional and companionship needs as she does.)

 

I just don't know what to do. 

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2 hours ago, WhiteFringe said:

Hello. I'm relatively new here and have been reading many forum posts and stories on mixed orientation relationships. I have not yet posted anything on forums or anything, so this is new. Please excuses if I am in the wrong place. I'm here because even though I have had some sort of suspicion that my girlfriend is asexual, I always just thought she felt disinterested for personal reasons like being nervous about anything sexual, since she has a lot of social anxiety,

 

Recently, after talking to her about asexuality, asking general questions about how she feels about certain sexual things to determine whether she is asexual or not, she definitely is. We have been together for over 4 years now, but it's been quite tough on the both of us. I am very sexual (seriously, with no doubt, as straight as an arrow). This caused problems more recently than it ever has, because even though we were sexually engaging with each other, she never before expressed how much she doesn't like it (aside from feeling neutral about things, nothing that I thought would constitute as being serious). We've never had sex, because she asked that we wait until we are in a better place in our lives with our own house. Now, I could respect that, and would never force her to participate in coital activities without her full consent.

 

She expressed that every time we would have some form of outercourse, she would feel very sad, even though she doesn't "hate" it. She has always displayed a disinterest in any form of sex, and never, ever thinks about it. It would never bother her if she were to never engage in any sexual activity. Now, to express further, she is comfortable with hugging and kissing, but kissing is where it stops in terms of pleasure (I guess it could be worse for me).

 

She stopped being intimate with me not only because I can't bring myself to do anything with her knowing she doesn't enjoy it, but also because she feels somewhat repulsed by any sexual activity. She is trying hard to fill my needs, but I can't let her do things she doesn't want to do, even if that means I'll be tense, sad and irritable (which also makes things difficult).

 

So here is the conundrum:

- I enjoy outercourse, and would love to continue to intercourse, but she does not enjoy outercourse, and does not want sex (she says we can one day, but we both know the problem will stay, since she won't magically begin to like sexual activities).

- We have tried numerous compromises from where I would not engage and wait for her to initiate anything (which ends up where she just never initiates for weeks or months), and where she says she'll occasionally be intimate. This also doesn't work, because she definitely does not enjoy it, and I still feel like I'm using her.

 

I looked up polyamory and open relationships, but knowing her, she won't let that ship sail. How does one proceed? There are numerous accounts and forum posts and topic on this, I have seen, but yet, I see no answer but to 

 

1. suck it up, and respect her boundaries.

2. break it off (which I don't want to do). (I mean really don't. She is absolutely perfect, our views on life, the future, etc are so perfect. I doubt I could find someone who would fill my sexual needs as well as my romantic, emotional and companionship needs as she does.)

 

I just don't know what to do. 

Sorry you are in this situation.  In the end I think the choices are simple, just all bad.

 

Leave. Cheat Live like a monk. 

 

My only advice from >30 years married to a near-asexual is to give up hope.  Don't expect things to ever improve, you will just feel worse every time that they don't. 

 

Everyone is different, but I'd say in many cases ending the relationship really is the best for both people 

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39 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Sorry you are in this situation.  In the end I think the choices are simple, just all bad.

 

Leave. Cheat Live like a monk. 

 

My only advice from >30 years married to a near-asexual is to give up hope.  Don't expect things to ever improve, you will just feel worse every time that they don't. 

 

Everyone is different, but I'd say in many cases ending the relationship really is the best for both people 

I appreciate the feedback. This was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I still feel like that, even if this kind of rejection hurts a lot, I cannot blame her, because she isn't to blame and nor am I ( I think). 

 

The only way I can possibly end the relationship with a clear conscience is if we both agree that it's for the best. And I know this all seems like an impossibility, but even if I end it, I still want to be part of her life and be her friend. A part of me feels like I'll do anything for her, even if I end up miserable, but another part just feels broken, and depressed. I'm just venting now. sorry. 

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3 minutes ago, WhiteFringe said:

I appreciate the feedback. This was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I still feel like that, even if this kind of rejection hurts a lot, I cannot blame her, because she isn't to blame and nor am I ( I think). 

 

The only way I can possibly end the relationship with a clear conscience is if we both agree that it's for the best. And I know this all seems like an impossibility, but even if I end it, I still want to be part of her life and be her friend. A part of me feels like I'll do anything for her, even if I end up miserable, but another part just feels broken, and depressed. I'm just venting now. sorry. 

*hugs*
 

It’s a crappy situation all ‘round.

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2 minutes ago, WhiteFringe said:

I appreciate the feedback. This was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I still feel like that, even if this kind of rejection hurts a lot, I cannot blame her, because she isn't to blame and nor am I ( I think). 

 

The only way I can possibly end the relationship with a clear conscience is if we both agree that it's for the best. And I know this all seems like an impossibility, but even if I end it, I still want to be part of her life and be her friend. A part of me feels like I'll do anything for her, even if I end up miserable, but another part just feels broken, and depressed. I'm just venting now. sorry. 

I'd say that it has nothing whatsoever to do with blame, its all about compatibility?  Can you be happy without sex (or with minimal sex) for the rest of your life? You do your partner no favors by sacrificing their happiness to them, because if they love you, that is the last thing that they would want.   

 

Unfortunately this is a situation where each may have a very difficult time understanding how the other feels.  To a sexual person,  there is this sense of "why can't he/she just XYZ,  is is so much to ask?" and for the asexual person to feel "is sex all he / she cares about, isn't love supposed to be much more important". 

 

 

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