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7 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

incel = involuntary celibacy so yes it's literally "incel"

Yes but if you look up what incels stand for and how they conduct themselves...not good, but anywhoo probably shouldnt have said anything lol

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anisotrophic
2 minutes ago, Pheedre said:

Yes but if you look up what incels stand for and how they conduct themselves...not good

yuuuup.

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1 minute ago, anisotrophic said:

yuuuup.

Oh sorry thought you were offended by what I said 🤦‍♀️

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anisotrophic
8 minutes ago, Pheedre said:

Oh sorry thought you were offended by what I said 🤦‍♀️

No no I totally agree I feel the language being used is problematic to say the least :)

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@Apostle, I do often “hear” bitterness when asexuals here talk about compromising with sex for their partners... understandable but true.  They are doing something they’d rather NOT DO.  It’s often a chore and often not a pleasure. 
I felt trapped by my situation too.  Sometimes the feeling still creeps up on me.  I suppose this is normal when we a stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling but we want to honor our vows. 

My approach has been to OWN my decision to stay for now and focus on doing what I MUST do for those I love.  At the same time I try to enrich my personal life discretely since I’m then a happier, more relaxed person to live with!!!  Your wife  contributed to the problem of a sexless life together but you certainly have some control- esp as your kids are older (?) regarding what your course will be going forward.  Avoid anger towards her for a quality she can not change. Perhaps instead focus on your own Self care, your best interests, your desires, needs.   

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5 hours ago, Pheedre said:

Yeah I think people are just having troubles with the term maybe because of the bitterness behind it, and the fact that, really, you do have a choice, may not be the easiest one but the options are there....forced celibacy almost sounds like an incel term to me idk

It can be a difficult situation.  If a partner's offer of "charity sex" is basically:  "I'll have sex with you if I have to but I hate every minute of it",  that isn't really an offer.  Most people do not want to hurt a partner that they love. 

 

Similarly sometimes it seems that leaving will deeply hurt a partner.  So people feel trapped - the are legitimately in love and can't stand hurting the person that they love (either through sex or abandonment) and so feel trapped.   If they didn't care about their partners it would be easy. 

 

Sometimes of course there are children, financial issues etc that make leaving very difficult. 

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No one is the ‘bad guy’. It’s no one’s ‘fault’. The universe was unkind. 25 years ago Asexuality was not a thing. Many were told by therapists it would get better. Not to mention divorce over sexual issues is embarrassing and can show the sexual person in the relationship as shallow or a salivating insensitive partner. And that scrip shows up in our minds as well and we aren’t so cling to what we can to help us see ourselves as kind people and years get lost to kids, student loans, aging parents and life that is honestly more important then sex even to a sexual.

is it forced celibacy? I’m not comfortable calling it that but I can understand sadness bitterness and regret. 

Its painful all around. 

Pity sex can feel like you are a cow that needs servicing but gift sex can be special in it own way. The difference is a painful, hours long conversation and both people being vulnerable.

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Oh I was told for years by therapists and doctors, and not that long ago that I just had to find what worked for me.  Or just "relax" and it will be better. I was told that it was beneficial for my health to enjoy sex. 

 

When you are a true asexual and there is little recognition of it eg up to about 5/10 years ago, and therapists ask "why don't you like sex?" It is just a confusing and unhelpful question because you can't do anything other than guess, incorrectly. The correct answer is "I just don't" but that didn't go down well with sexual partners or the medical profession  I was always like "why is it so important?". I didn't ask that either, but I suspect the answer would equally be "it just is".

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5 hours ago, alibali said:

Oh I was told for years by therapists and doctors, and not that long ago that I just had to find what worked for me.  Or just "relax" and it will be better. I was told that it was beneficial for my health to enjoy sex. 

 

When you are a true asexual and there is little recognition of it eg up to about 5/10 years ago, and therapists ask "why don't you like sex?" It is just a confusing and unhelpful question because you can't do anything other than guess, incorrectly. The correct answer is "I just don't" but that didn't go down well with sexual partners or the medical profession  I was always like "why is it so important?". I didn't ask that either, but I suspect the answer would equally be "it just is".

Yes - therapists, marriage counselors etc at least used to, and maybe still do think everyone is equally sexual, you just need to change the circumstances. In sexual / asexual relationships they try to figure out "what is wrong" with one or the other.  There is this sense that it can be "fixed".  There is nothing to fix, the root cause is *incompatibility* and that is a huge problem but trying to "fix" either person just results in misery

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11 hours ago, uhtred said:

Yes - therapists, marriage counselors etc at least used to, and maybe still do think everyone is equally sexual, you just need to change the circumstances. In sexual / asexual relationships they try to figure out "what is wrong" with one or the other.  There is this sense that it can be "fixed".  There is nothing to fix, the root cause is *incompatibility* and that is a huge problem but trying to "fix" either person just results in misery

Absolutely correct Uhtred. There is and will be no compatibility and no answers as to why. It is what it is.

Whilst I realise it is perhaps difficult for many asexuals to realise their sexuality or at least anyone on that asexual spectrum, the most painful aspect is finding out at a later date when all may seem perfectly calm on the surface only for it to erupt into regret, anger, sadness and many other emotions that could have been completely ironed out at the beginning of a relationship.

I think that is what most couples desire, an honest self assessment of their sexual compatibility in a relationship right at the beginning and not to find out years down the line when love and children get in the way.

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12 hours ago, uhtred said:

Yes - therapists, marriage counselors etc at least used to, and maybe still do think everyone is equally sexual, you just need to change the circumstances.

Yes, and: we did really well with LGBTQIA+ therapists who worked with other aces & their sexual partners. They were also familiar with stuff like kink/poly – also valuable, because they were nonjudgmental and realistic about discussing it (i.e. drawing on *real* experiences). Talking to therapists who actually work with people who have your issues? REALLY IMPORTANT (as I've learned recently with a pretty terrible trans-illiterate therapy experience).

 

3 minutes ago, CBC said:

I'd say it's always best to strive for open and honest communication, but if you expect people to magically know everything about themselves, whilst also having no relationship experience, you're living in a fantasy world.

+1 and beyond: all couples will face unexpected challenges! This is one of them, but "challenge" is not a unique thing. Challenges can be quite large. They can be internal issues, or external events. People not fully knowing themselves is not so rare.


A relationship is not a singular agreement, but an ongoing one. Open communication and empathy are key elements to facing *any* challenge together.

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AceMissBehaving
1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

Yes, and: we did really well with LGBTQIA+ therapists who worked with other aces & their sexual partners. They were also familiar with stuff like kink/poly – also valuable, because they were nonjudgmental and realistic about discussing it (i.e. drawing on *real* experiences). Talking to therapists who actually work with people who have your issues? REALLY IMPORTANT (as I've learned recently with a pretty terrible trans-illiterate therapy experience).

I’m sorry you had such a bad experience. 
 

My husband started seeing a therapist recently for a few reasons, but obviously our relationship was one of them, and there is likely to be some couples sessions in the future.
 

I was really nervous and stressed at first about whether or not even though they stated they were an LGBTQ, kink, and polly friendly therapist, that they would be understanding about asexuality, because of course at nearly 40 years old I’ve experienced what happens when they’re not. Fortunately they are.

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My wife of 37 years came out to me as an Asexual two weeks ago. She read an article in the Minneapolis Tribune about Asexuality and it checked all the boxes for her. I read the article and we talked about the hurt we were both feeling. A quick Google search turned up this site and this forum. This forum is very helpful in digesting all the feelings I am experiencing. I am NOT alone. A therapy session is scheduled for next Thursday to help me move forward. What that forward is I could not tell you at this moment. Asexuals are 1% of the population and I married one. Thank you all for contributing to this forum. Perhaps I will be able to contribute at some point in the future.

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1 hour ago, Keith James said:

My wife of 37 years came out to me as an Asexual two weeks ago. She read an article in the Minneapolis Tribune about Asexuality and it checked all the boxes for her. I read the article and we talked about the hurt we were both feeling. A quick Google search turned up this site and this forum. This forum is very helpful in digesting all the feelings I am experiencing. I am NOT alone. A therapy session is scheduled for next Thursday to help me move forward. What that forward is I could not tell you at this moment. Asexuals are 1% of the population and I married one. Thank you all for contributing to this forum. Perhaps I will be able to contribute at some point in the future.

A number of us are in similar situations, Its not good.

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2 hours ago, Keith James said:

She read an article in the Minneapolis Tribune about Asexuality and it checked all the boxes for her. I read the article and we talked about the hurt we were both feeling

Welcome! And I'm sorry, it's really painful. It also felt better for me to know, in the end, but it did take months to feel better. I can only try to imagine how it feels for you;  my husband and I haven't been together as long, just a decade and a half.

 

But I think if your partner approached you, and you both have empathy -- it sounds like you do -- that's really valuable. Try to keep that going (but it takes both partners, you're just one half). the worst difficulties often seem to be from a lack of communication/caring (although it's still painful, even with that). I hope we hear from you more!

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Just a note -- asexuals are probably quite a bit more common than 1% of the general population.  There are likely many asexuals (especially those who are older) who do not know the term and thus just think that there is something wrong with them, plus people in countries which don't have such easy access to social media, etc. that Westernized countries do.  

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12 hours ago, Keith James said:

My wife of 37 years came out to me as an Asexual two weeks ago. She read an article in the Minneapolis Tribune about Asexuality and it checked all the boxes for her. I read the article and we talked about the hurt we were both feeling. A quick Google search turned up this site and this forum. This forum is very helpful in digesting all the feelings I am experiencing. I am NOT alone. A therapy session is scheduled for next Thursday to help me move forward. What that forward is I could not tell you at this moment. Asexuals are 1% of the population and I married one. Thank you all for contributing to this forum. Perhaps I will be able to contribute at some point in the future.

We’ve been married 20 years and just learned the term this summer. I love my husband but it hasn’t been the relationship I had hoped for. As painful as today is take some peace that it wasn’t you she was rejecting she was trying to give what she could. Not enough but what she could. I’m going to assume the kids are grown and with that you have more options then you think you do. 

 The more asexuality is known/ written about the better the future is.

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13 hours ago, Keith James said:

My wife of 37 years came out to me as an Asexual two weeks ago. She read an article in the Minneapolis Tribune about Asexuality and it checked all the boxes for her. I read the article and we talked about the hurt we were both feeling. A quick Google search turned up this site and this forum. This forum is very helpful in digesting all the feelings I am experiencing. I am NOT alone. A therapy session is scheduled for next Thursday to help me move forward. What that forward is I could not tell you at this moment. Asexuals are 1% of the population and I married one. Thank you all for contributing to this forum. Perhaps I will be able to contribute at some point in the future.

@KeithJames. Good luck with your journey but I have to say that the therapist will not solve your problem of mismatched sexualities so that may be wasted costs.

Only you and your wife, by talking about your differences, can actually move you both into an understanding relationship if you can both accept each-others way of life. It won't be easy but if more than 50% of the things you like about each other outweigh the remainder that you don't like then give it a go. The pebble in the shoe will however, remain forever.

 

I don't know where you get the 1% from but when you add in gays, lesbians, transexuals, bisexuals and the disinterested etc then that adds up to a lot more of the heterosexual pool being minimised for choice purposes if you want to match your heterosexuality to another. This has probably always been the case however except that nowadays there is a lot more information available online and elsewhere.

 

 

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On 10/12/2019 at 7:06 AM, Sally said:

Just a note -- asexuals are probably quite a bit more common than 1% of the general population.  There are likely many asexuals (especially those who are older) who do not know the term and thus just think that there is something wrong with them, plus people in countries which don't have such easy access to social media, etc. that Westernized countries do.  

lol

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  • 4 weeks later...
Fallen Unicorn

Hey guys, I'm back from a long hiatus! I'm currently seeing an asexual person in a queerplatonic relationship 🙂

 

From my posts in the past, I did have a really bad relationship with an asexual person who was manipulative. I thought I needed sex to be in a relationship, turns out it was their manipulative nature that drove me away. Anyways, I'm really happy to be back!

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I guess I am going to introduce myself here even though I have been on this site foooor six years? :P

 

Hello everyone, call me Nai!

 

I identified as gray ace since 2014-ish up until around last year, some things happened, and I realized "wow, I was just a REALLY late bloomer!" I identify as pansexual now (though, usually, I just call myself queer when someone asks). I never mentioned it on AVEN until now because I did not really.....care? :lol: It didn't feel like a big deal to me, I don't place too much care on figuring out my sexual orientation. So I guess it was an accidental secret for about a year. It did make me become more disconnected from AVEN, however, since I no longer identify with the ace spectrum. So I'm trying to be on a little more again now, since I do enjoy the forums!

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Welcome back! Can't relate personally as I am and always have been asexual, but you're still very welcome here of course, and I'm glad you're sticking around! :cake:

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I go to see my wife in a few days (omg Visa hurry up already so I can just live with my wife) and... I still find it a very odd experience to be looking forward to the sexual part of being with a partner. But a good odd. 

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  • 1 month later...

I'm new here and, importantly, new to understanding all of this.  My introduction was accidental; I was listening to a favorite comic and she mentioned she was asexual in an interview.  I had never heard the term before but, after doing some research, I have come to believe that my wife is asexual.  Just prior to marriage nearly 40 years ago, she told me she was "frigid" (her words, and while I thought I knew what it meant intellectually, physically, I had no idea).  I don't know if they are one and the same but its been well over 5 years since we have been intimate and, even before then, sex was...difficult and it grew apparent that she didn't, doesn't enjoy it.  She has never sought it out and I don't try anymore.  I am reading the forums and such, and have much to learn but am so glad I have found a support group.  I hope it can help...sometimes its a lot harder to deal with than others. 

 

Sorry if this was not the right place to post...please point me in the right direction as needed. 

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54 minutes ago, JMS said:

Sorry if this was not the right place to post...please point me in the right direction as needed.

I’ll let the others comment on your story as I’m sort of a confused greyish tweener these days but I wanted to welcome you to AVEN and reassure you that you picked the right spot!  :)

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1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

I’ll let the others comment on your story as I’m sort of a confused greyish tweener these days but I wanted to welcome you to AVEN and reassure you that you picked the right spot!  :)

 

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@JMS You chose a perfectly fine place to post and welcome.   What matters is that you are here, seeking support.   I hope you find it.  I would suggest you go back and read some older sections- some are very helpful!

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