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@Jenniehurting the advice above from @uhtred comes from a man that is not celibate but, in fact, has sex with his wife.  He can better speak to his own circumstances, but his advice does not come from a place of pessimism or cynicism due to forced celibacy.

 

I agree with what Uhtred says as well.  We all have different experiences and therefore different advice.  As I said in another thread, you’ll need to figure out what you need, what you can live with and what your deal breakers are. Spend time extrapolating out into the future, then craft the best life you can around that vision.

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4 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

@uhtred has also reported, if I recall correctly, difficulty in communication.

There is indeed difficult in communicating. 

 

I think what matters most is the extent of the mismatch, not the absolute numbers. Its not about what is "right" or "normal" but about whether there is a level of sexual activity that allows both people to be happy.  I think only the OP can really know if that is possible in their case.   

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/21/2019 at 2:14 PM, Jenniehurting said:

Some support please! I just found out that my husband of 8 months (30 years old) is asexual. Of course we have had many arguments about what we thought were just mismatched libidos. I am highly sexual and due to past traumas sex is validation for me. Without it I feel empty. I am truly devastated. I love my husband so much, but I don't k ow if our relationship is possible. To make matters worse, if I leave him he will have to go back to Mexico since I am sponsoring his green card. He is a software engineer and is very intelligent ( a turn on for me), he is handsome, he is my best friend. How do I lose him? How do I stay realizing I will never truly be physically desired? I don't know all of the ace terminology. but from what I gather he is a sex neutral demisexual...possibly aromantic..??? He doesn't crave sex. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate. He never learned to flirt and doesn't behave sexually toward me. He was fairly inexperienced when we met...only 2 other partners in which he had ED and PE symptom (not positive sexual experiences). We had A lot of sex...kinky sex. We would try something once and get would never initiate it again. He told me he was exploring his sexuality...I feel lied to and used. He said he REALLY loves me, but has no concept of being "in love" or the difference.  He is "willing" to have sex maybe once a week, but I can't help, but feel like it is a pity fuck. I feel so unwanted. Advice....please.

I feel your pain I'm the same situation, in a relationship and already 6 years has passed, its very hard to deal with this and it gets worse over the time and he doesn't admit to be assexual... i'm very tired and I have tried everything to solve my "problem" with him and only about less than 2 years I realised he probably is grey assexual. If at least you and him are aware is a good start, but get prepared because along the time it will be weeks or months without sex...

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On 10/2/2019 at 1:08 AM, Arche said:

I feel your pain I'm the same situation, in a relationship and already 6 years has passed, its very hard to deal with this and it gets worse over the time and he doesn't admit to be assexual... i'm very tired and I have tried everything to solve my "problem" with him and only about less than 2 years I realised he probably is grey assexual. If at least you and him are aware is a good start, but get prepared because along the time it will be weeks or months without sex...

We fellow sexuals know how you feel. The pain will never go away, trust me. I stayed with my wife because I love her and our children BUT the pain of not fulfilling the WHOLE experience will always live with me until I die.

It's MY compromise to holding our relationship together. We were together for 10 years before the tap was switched off.

 

If you are strong enough and have at least 50% of good things going for continuing the relationship then go ahead. Anything less then head for the hills is my advice.

 

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Hi all, 

 

New here, and new to the whole asexual/sexual thing!

My wife and I have been struggling sexually for some years now - turns out with good reason! Slowly moving from just seeming like we had different drives to her now being reluctant to kiss or touch generally even outside of the sexual.

Luckily we've always been very honest with each other and fundamentally want to save the marriage if we can - we have two children and are ultimately still in love.

Any after some research about Ace I talked to her about whether she thought she might be asexual. Everything just slotted into place and for her (and me) so much of her life made sense, and the relief she has felt on coming out (to me at least) has been massive! It is excellent to start seeing her be comfortable with herself and who she is. 

Fundamentally our problems are still there but it's a huge help to know there's a community like this one and I imagine AVEN is going to play a huge part in our future. 

 

Right now we're taking one day at a time but the issue now becomes - is the lack of intimacy too much for me? Neither of us wants to end up with me resenting her because I'm unfulfilled in that way. 

Just reaching out trying to find people in similar positions and learn as much as I can. I'd welcome any messages (direct or just in response here) from anyone who has any advice on a successful mixed marriage. My wife has suggested that we could open the marriage but I don't know how/if I'd cope with that (or how I could go about it!) - has anyone gone that route?

 

Thanks very much for existing!!!

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On 10/6/2019 at 8:54 PM, S Tiger said:

Hi all, 

 

New here, and new to the whole asexual/sexual thing!

My wife and I have been struggling sexually for some years now - turns out with good reason! Slowly moving from just seeming like we had different drives to her now being reluctant to kiss or touch generally even outside of the sexual.

Luckily we've always been very honest with each other and fundamentally want to save the marriage if we can - we have two children and are ultimately still in love.

Any after some research about Ace I talked to her about whether she thought she might be asexual. Everything just slotted into place and for her (and me) so much of her life made sense, and the relief she has felt on coming out (to me at least) has been massive! It is excellent to start seeing her be comfortable with herself and who she is. 

Fundamentally our problems are still there but it's a huge help to know there's a community like this one and I imagine AVEN is going to play a huge part in our future. 

 

Right now we're taking one day at a time but the issue now becomes - is the lack of intimacy too much for me? Neither of us wants to end up with me resenting her because I'm unfulfilled in that way. 

Just reaching out trying to find people in similar positions and learn as much as I can. I'd welcome any messages (direct or just in response here) from anyone who has any advice on a successful mixed marriage. My wife has suggested that we could open the marriage but I don't know how/if I'd cope with that (or how I could go about it!) - has anyone gone that route?

 

Thanks very much for existing!!!

x

 

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I think I disagree with Apostle on the idea of sex outside of your current relationship.  That absence of sex over the years will probably guarantee your grief and sense of loss.  For me this is what happened.  I felt as though my life was without hope and missing a very essential part of living.  This realization came over time and set in really hard when my kids became involved in their own lives- there was a huge void because I had no outlet for my time and energies anymore.  Looking at life- reflecting on the past- I was saddened by what I saw.  

Try to have fewer regrets.  Consider and talk about all your options with your wife.   There should be no shame in your needs and no resentment of hers.  If you want the dimension of a sexual relationship, explore the option with as much knowledge of all the issues.  Gain knowledge by reading and talking to others who have done this.  Then make your decisions after you reflect on these ideas.  Best wishes.

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3 hours ago, Apostle said:

Do not in any circumstances look elsewhere for sex is my advice because as soon as you do then the trust that you and your SO have in your marriage will disappear. 

I completely disagree with this having been there. Clearly, it depends on the parties involved, as well as the approach taken. In my case, we jointly agreed to allow me to open our marriage - it’s been the right decision and a viable compromise. We do not have any trust issues whatsoever.  
 

To each his own, but enforced celibacy had run its course for me at year 8.  Yeah, I’d never go back to that neglect. Life is a one shot deal, make it great!

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On 9/21/2019 at 9:14 AM, Jenniehurting said:

He is "willing" to have sex maybe once a week, but I can't help, but feel like it is a pity fuck. I feel so unwanted. Advice....please.

See, and this, as an asexual is where I wonder if compromise in my situation will ever work. I've read threads where mixed orientation couples make it work, but I just don't see how if this is always in the back of the sexual's mind, and rightly so. 

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38 minutes ago, Pheedre said:

See, and this, as an asexual is where I wonder if compromise in my situation will ever work. I've read threads where mixed orientation couples make it work, but I just don't see how if this is always in the back of the sexual's mind, and rightly so. 

I feel that way about the sex, so for now he gives me time when I need for private time and I’m learning not to be embarrassed and he don’t tease me about it. 

 

the cuddling, filling my car, pet names and always put us (son and I) first helps. It doesn’t fix it but really nothing will. He gives what he can and cries with me helps. I ask why he is with me and he tells me it’s love. So that helps.

 

It was a hard pill and it hurt like hell when it went down but we were already living a mixed relationship we just didn’t have a word.

 

His therapist is helping him accept himself and helping him find more ways to show love.

my therapist is helping me see love in places I didn’t before.

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4 minutes ago, Ours said:

I feel that way about the sex, so for now he gives me time when I need for private time and I’m learning not to be embarrassed and he don’t tease me about it. 

 

the cuddling, filling my car, pet names and always put us (son and I) first helps. It doesn’t fix it but really nothing will. He gives what he can and cries with me helps. I ask why he is with me and he tells me it’s love. So that helps.

 

It was a hard pill and it hurt like hell when it went down but we were already living a mixed relationship we just didn’t have a word.

 

His therapist is helping him accept himself and helping him find more ways to show love.

my therapist is helping me see love in places I didn’t before.

Yes, I'm seeing a therapist too and they are trying to help me as I've just recently decided I am definitely ace. I realize there are other ways to make the relationship work, and I totally believe in them because I obviously dont see how sex is the be all and end all to a relationship, all I'm saying is I think for most sexuals, the lack of sex would always be an issue, and if "some sex" were the compromise, I dont see how the sexual wouldn't always think of it as a pity fuck, unless the ace is a really good actor 😂 Sorry, just feeling very pessimistic about the whole, making it work thing, and I dont know how one even compromises if they are sex repulsed like myself 😪

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anisotrophic
22 minutes ago, Ours said:

I feel that way about the sex, so for now he gives me time when I need for private time and I’m learning not to be embarrassed and he don’t tease me about it. 

that's so key, not being made to feel ashamed for your own sexuality. and the stuff about learning to find love in other things, cries with you, cuddling – it sounds really familiar, and I remember it took me many months to feel better again. but eventually, got there, and got there together. hopefully you can too.

 

regarding pity sex... the good version of 'pity' is experiencing it as a gift. that's easier said than done, I know. the asymmetry can feel crushing. (at least, that's my memory. lately my own sexuality is a bust, maybe transient.)

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Personally it's an insult to any sexual to even go down the route of pity sex. I for one wouldn't dream of it because it's akin to accepting sex for a non genuine reason so it may as well be sex from a prostitute without any payment. The only payment is a persistent nagging doubt in the back of your mind that your partner is only doing it for you because of blind love or to keep the partnership together for other reasons, like financial or family.

 

Sure, some couples find a way to make it work, like Traveller 40 but the rest and probably the most of us can't or won't go down that route and both partners suffer for it.

 

If you have no young children the best solution is to split. Mixed sexual/asexual relationships will always be a big problem and for the sexual, the loss of a part of their soul is forever at the forefront and a loss of their identity.

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@Keith James.

 

Won't solve anything if you remain angry. That is who she is and there's nothing you can do about it.

I've been an enforced celibate for 25 years with a wife who is asexual.

At least your wife has said she is asexual, unlike mine who doesn't want to talk to me about it!

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@Apostle, if your kids are mostly grown and you aren’t on your deathbed, why not try telling your wife you’d like to seek another sexual dimension to your Life?  Maybe not leave her but look elsewhere for what you obviously miss? Are you morally opposed to this concept?  We all get ONE chance at this life, so why not live to it’s fullest today?  Will your wife really care at this point and if she does, why?   You’ve been celibate for 25 years..... set yourself free. 

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On 10/8/2019 at 5:27 PM, SusannaC said:

@Apostle, if your kids are mostly grown and you aren’t on your deathbed, why not try telling your wife you’d like to seek another sexual dimension to your Life?  Maybe not leave her but look elsewhere for what you obviously miss? Are you morally opposed to this concept?  We all get ONE chance at this life, so why not live to it’s fullest today?  Will your wife really care at this point and if she does, why?   You’ve been celibate for 25 years..... set yourself free. 

You're making me think now......

 

 

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6 hours ago, Apostle said:

I've been an enforced celibate for 25 years with a wife who is asexual.

 

How is your wife forcing you to be celibate?   You have a choice in the matter.  

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Exactly.  I think @Apostle- you have been your own enforcer.  After 25 years of unhappiness in this one major area of life, don’t you believe you should be allowed to seek a bit of joy, just for YOU?  The grass could be greener on one side or the other -or both!  But you’ll never know if you don’t ask, & if you never ask the answer will always be no.

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6 hours ago, SusannaC said:

@Apostle, if your kids are mostly grown and you aren’t on your deathbed, why not try telling your wife you’d like to seek another sexual dimension to your Life?  Maybe not leave her but look elsewhere for what you obviously miss? Are you morally opposed to this concept?  We all get ONE chance at this life, so why not live to it’s fullest today?  Will your wife really care at this point and if she does, why?   You’ve been celibate for 25 years..... set yourself free. 

This is what I think about for me and my husband, we have kids so are staying together and trying to make the relationship work, I often wonder how it will be when the kids are out of the house...

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anisotrophic
14 hours ago, Apostle said:

Personally it's an insult to any sexual to even go down the route of pity sex. I for one wouldn't dream of it because it's akin to accepting sex for a non genuine reason so it may as well be sex from a prostitute without any payment.

 

10 hours ago, Apostle said:

I've been an enforced celibate for 25 years with a wife who is asexual.

 

are you picky or aren't you? an "enforced celibate" that wouldn't take charity if offered – and instead declares it an insult? you could hardly call it "enforced" if you were refusing charity sex.

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2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

 

 

are you picky or aren't you? an "enforced celibate" that wouldn't take charity if offered – and instead declares it an insult? you could hardly call it "enforced" if you were refusing charity sex.

I wonder if they just mean that they dont want meaningless sex? 🤷‍♀️ although I suppose if the asexual is giving it as a "gift" because that's all they can offer then that is something? Idk...

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anisotrophic
Just now, Pheedre said:

I wonder if they just mean that they dont want meaningless sex? 🤷‍♀️ although I suppose if the asexual is giving it as a "gift" because that's all they can offer then that is something? Idk...

honestly it's rhetorical, I probably shouldn't have said anything. this particular forum user is one I don't tend to interact well with. I found the statements to be contradictory, and a bit mind-boggling to call charity sex an insult. Less satisfying? sure. But I don't see how someone upset about decades of celibacy could express a prideful rejection of charity sex.

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1 minute ago, anisotrophic said:

honestly it's rhetorical, I probably shouldn't have said anything. this particular forum user is one I don't tend to interact well with. I found the statements to be contradictory, and a bit mind-boggling to call charity sex an insult. Less satisfying? sure. But I don't see how someone upset about decades of celibacy could express a prideful rejection of charity sex.

Yes I get that, I almost see it as, at least the other person is trying? Enforced celibacy does seem an odd term to me, nobody can really force you to do anything although I understand the idea of feeling trapped in a situation.

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15 minutes ago, alibali said:

I may be wrong but Apostle reminds me of my ex. I left.

Hahahahah! Sorry, that really made me chuckle 😂

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2 minutes ago, Apostle said:

This is not my choice. I've been forced, by my wife's sexuality, to make the decision I have. It's a forced choice in a way, hence my use of the term.

 

Yeah I think people are just having troubles with the term maybe because of the bitterness behind it, and the fact that, really, you do have a choice, may not be the easiest one but the options are there....forced celibacy almost sounds like an incel term to me idk

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anisotrophic
1 minute ago, Pheedre said:

forced celibacy almost sounds like an incel term to me idk

incel = involuntary celibacy so yes it's literally "incel"

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