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1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Rape happens all over the world. It's the uneducated and culturally backward who tend to do this...

From the World Health Organization: https://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention/resources/publications/en/guidelines_chap2.pdf

 

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...sexually violent men come from all backgrounds, rich and poor, academic and uneducated, religious and non-religious...

Nassar, as an example, had been given a medical degree.

 

Organizations that study and help those who've been sexually assaulted have mentioned that it's a common misconception that only poor, uneducated people sexually assault others; mental illness effects all types of people, regardless of socio-economic status.

 

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2 hours ago, Apostle said:

This website brings out those who seem to have a grievance on anything that they disagree on based possibly on their past experience (and before anyone mentions it, this does of course include me). This is quite normal of course otherwise we wouldn't be on this website, would we?

I'm not here for that reason.  I came here specifically to understand my partner better.  Then I found the perspective of the sexual interesting and combining the two, was able to overcome the inevitable feelings of rejection.  It was a small hurdle because I was in the process of educating myself.  I came here to gain the tools I needed and I was successful.

 

There are a lot of people who are here for a multitude of reasons.  But yes, the sexual thread does in general hold a lot of animosity.

 

I'm not going to get into rape culture.  It's a highly uncomfortable topic for me and I'm going to let others take the wheel on that.

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I love bouncing back and forth between the sexual thread and the asexual threads.  This isn't an echo chamber.  We're welcome to the whole forum.  We just have to be respectful of the fact that this is an ace-centric space and not to disrespect someone else's identity or experience.  But reading all of the other threads are fantastic for gaining perspectives.  

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Traveler40

I think it can be a bit of an echo chamber depending on the sub-forum actually.  However,  I fear the AVEN arguments that can drill down to bits so small the original point is torn asunder.  

 

Hmm, 👉🏼I’m NOT into minush👈🏼 😬

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Yeah, I suppose there is that element of echo chamber, but I've also seen a lot of discussion and debate.  Even the healthy kind!  And compared to a lot of other groups that I'm in, it's pretty refreshing.  I actually enjoy watching some of the banter, and I love participating in the humorous back and forth.  It reminds me of the forums I used to frequent back in college.

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2 hours ago, Apostle said:

You've not travelled extensively around the world have you?

Go to the Middle East, India, Pakistan, Afghanistan and look at the statistics. I'm not saying that rape is exclusively related to the uneducated, what I meant was that even the most educated person is 'uneducated' inasmuch that it is wrong when it comes to committing this crime. 

Have a read of the publication in the link below. It will shock you.

https://www.thelily.com/a-woman-interviewed-100-convicted-rapists-in-india-this-is-what-she-learned/

 

It's not always mental illness either. It's a culture thing in many countries. 

I'm not sure what whether or not someone has travelled the world has to do with correcting a misconception that health professionals who work with sexual assault victims. Your post didn't state anything about specific countries, just about rape being "the uneducated and culturally backward who tend to do this...," so, naturally, that was all I had to go by.

 

I was just attempting to help correct a misconception that I saw. It's important to me to help correct others' information, who might not have been abused, as misinformation doesn't help anyone (plus, the "joking" about those who were speaking up about "rape" in this thread being "tigers" kind of gave off a flippant impression that some members were might not have been abused, and therefore, unaware about the experiences of those who have, including statistics and research about it).

 

As someone who grew up abused, from relatives from other countries and cultures, I saw, first-hand, that their culture didn't have anything to do with their abusive behavior: their life experiences of being abused, themselves, had something to do with it, as other people from their countries/culture weren't abusive. My relatives did have mental health issues from growing up abused and abusing others.

 

It doesn't help anyone, abuse victims and those who aren't, to only talk about and blame certain countries for sexual assault or people of only low, socio-economic status, when it happens in Western countries, among wealthy people, as well; that, in itself, shows that it's not cultural. With societies ignoring misbehavior by wealthier people (because they think, "They're educated. They'd never do that!"), that only continues to put more victims at risk.

 

People can learn things about other countries by more than just only traveling, like having relatives from other countries and being taught about other countries' cultures/customs, watching documentaries from around the world (yes, I have watched documentaries about LGBT+ people in the Middle East, talking about their experiences of being harassed by their communities for not "fitting in"), reading research, etc.

 

 

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On 6/29/2019 at 4:17 PM, Kyriee said:

 

(sadly) Sexual pan & ciswoman here.
My lifemate is ace, I think I figured it out before They did.
During the NRE phase we were fine, then it kind of drifted off and now it's been almost 2 years since we had sex.
I came on here to try to figure out ways to cope with our now completely non-existent sex life, because while literally everything else is great, this one bloody thing is really doing a number on me mentally/emotionally.
Which isn't fair to Them (I fully and absolutely support Their identity and never want Them to feel like something is wrong with Them), so.. here I am again to try to figure out how to make this work. I was hoping to find ways to kill my libido so this was not so frustrating for me, but got fussed at for that, so it's back to the drawing board.


 

I wish there was a good solution but there isn't.  Often an sexual / asexual marriage is every bit as unworkable as a gay / straight marriage.    I think peoples libido (or lack of same) is wired pretty deeply and is unlikely to change.   That leaves few happy options. 

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2 hours ago, Apostle said:

You've not travelled extensively around the world have you?

Go to the Middle East, India, Pakistan, Afghanistan and look at the statistics. I'm not saying that rape is exclusively related to the uneducated, what I meant was that even the most educated person is 'uneducated' inasmuch that it is wrong when it comes to committing this crime. 

Have a read of the publication in the link below. It will shock you.

https://www.thelily.com/a-woman-interviewed-100-convicted-rapists-in-india-this-is-what-she-learned/

 

It's not always mental illness either. It's a culture thing in many countries. 

I think that maybe rape culture should be a separate discussion in hot box before it derails this one too far. I think its an interesting topic, but its very disturbing to some, and I think this discussion is more aimed at people trying to figure out how to live in relationships that are mixed sexual / asexual. 

 

 

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24 minutes ago, Apostle said:

...If you are not a fellow sexual but an asexual/sexual there is a thread for them, entitled 'asexual-sexual q & a thread'...

I'm not sure whether I'm understanding this, correctly: is this meant to say that asexuals aren't welcome in this thread? That's kind of odd, considering sexuals are allowed to visit and comment in other forums pertaining to asexuals/asexuality.

 

Plus, some sexuals have mentioned that they wished asexuals would read threads/forums where sexuals discussed their feelings, in order to help educate them on what they go through in a relationship.

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Just now, Apostle said:

You're right. I got carried away. I'll stop this conversation now.

Its fine in hot box and might be an interesting conversation. 

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1 minute ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

I'm not sure whether I'm understanding this, correctly: is this meant to say that asexuals aren't welcome in this thread? That's kind of odd, considering sexuals are allowed to visit and comment in other forums pertaining to asexuals/asexuality.

 

Plus, some sexuals have mentioned that they wished asexuals would read threads/forums where sexuals discussed their feelings, in order to help educate them on what they go through in a relationship.

As a sexual, I hope asexuals will be on this thread. I view it as a place to discuss the very difficult situation of mixed sexual / asexual relationships.  I think it tends toward more sexuals posting relative to other threads, but IMHO asexuals are welcome and desired here. 

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please can we remain civil and avoid getting too personal towards other members.

 

Iff,

moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

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Not sure where to put this, but over the past few weeks I've definitely noticed my partner looking at me differently.  His looks seem more direct, affectionate, and sincere.  Tonight after we had sex he was doing it again so I grabbed him and declared in a boysterous voice "my god.  Have I done the impossible?  Have I made you fall in love with someone?" to which he immediately made this noise he makes when he hears an untruth but also doesn't want to say anything in fear of hurting someone's feelings.  I immediately grab him and laugh and in the same boysterous tone state "My god.  Have I done the impossible?  Have I made you fall in heavy like with someone?" and he laughed and said "yeah, that's more accurate.  And that's pretty good considering how much I hate people.".   Thus solidifying my thought that he's aromantic.  I mean, I'll take it.  Whatever it is, it feels pretty great.

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1 hour ago, CBC said:

Hrmm. Whatever gets a positive reaction! I'm glad you're feeling good about it. :) 

For sure!  I suppose a reaction like that out of just about anyone else would have been upsetting to me but for some reason with him it's endearing and just so him and I was able to course correct instantly which I believe shows how fluid things have become.  Anyways, Something has definitely changed in him.  

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  • 1 month later...
On 9/13/2010 at 5:23 AM, Waterbottle20 said:

I came here because I'm romantically hetero but sexually homo. cant be romantic with guys but cant have sex with girls, I felt screwed in terms of having a sexual relationship so I came here to find out the different kinds of relationships people can have that aren't a standard sexual relationship, and to see if they're successful.

So far I've seen a mixed bag.

I know it's over nine years but I'm curious, did you ever find a way to make that work out ? (I'm just asking because that sounds rare)

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I'm still a newbie, also you guys should go elsewhere to argue.....you scaring me away....if you are scaring me away, you probably have already scared who knows how many away.....but then again I am just a scaredy cat......lol

I'm a senior sexual btw.....and I come here for support being married to a still in the closet ace/aro, that I  love dearly......and the cake is certainly a wow!.....even though it's not real, I am still gaining weight.....lol

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  • 4 weeks later...

Some support please! I just found out that my husband of 8 months (30 years old) is asexual. Of course we have had many arguments about what we thought were just mismatched libidos. I am highly sexual and due to past traumas sex is validation for me. Without it I feel empty. I am truly devastated. I love my husband so much, but I don't k ow if our relationship is possible. To make matters worse, if I leave him he will have to go back to Mexico since I am sponsoring his green card. He is a software engineer and is very intelligent ( a turn on for me), he is handsome, he is my best friend. How do I lose him? How do I stay realizing I will never truly be physically desired? I don't know all of the ace terminology. but from what I gather he is a sex neutral demisexual...possibly aromantic..??? He doesn't crave sex. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate. He never learned to flirt and doesn't behave sexually toward me. He was fairly inexperienced when we met...only 2 other partners in which he had ED and PE symptom (not positive sexual experiences). We had A lot of sex...kinky sex. We would try something once and get would never initiate it again. He told me he was exploring his sexuality...I feel lied to and used. He said he REALLY loves me, but has no concept of being "in love" or the difference.  He is "willing" to have sex maybe once a week, but I can't help, but feel like it is a pity fuck. I feel so unwanted. Advice....please.

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16 hours ago, Jenniehurting said:

Some support please! I just found out that my husband of 8 months (30 years old) is asexual. Of course we have had many arguments about what we thought were just mismatched libidos. I am highly sexual and due to past traumas sex is validation for me. Without it I feel empty. I am truly devastated. I love my husband so much, but I don't k ow if our relationship is possible. To make matters worse, if I leave him he will have to go back to Mexico since I am sponsoring his green card. He is a software engineer and is very intelligent ( a turn on for me), he is handsome, he is my best friend. How do I lose him? How do I stay realizing I will never truly be physically desired? I don't know all of the ace terminology. but from what I gather he is a sex neutral demisexual...possibly aromantic..??? He doesn't crave sex. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate. He never learned to flirt and doesn't behave sexually toward me. He was fairly inexperienced when we met...only 2 other partners in which he had ED and PE symptom (not positive sexual experiences). We had A lot of sex...kinky sex. We would try something once and get would never initiate it again. He told me he was exploring his sexuality...I feel lied to and used. He said he REALLY loves me, but has no concept of being "in love" or the difference.  He is "willing" to have sex maybe once a week, but I can't help, but feel like it is a pity fuck. I feel so unwanted. Advice....please.

I'm sorry you are in this situation -you will find many people here who can sympathize and at least provide input.  Every situation is different so there is no one-size-fits-all answer, so listen to what people say - but make your own decisions.   Feel free to PM people for separate discussions if you prefer.  

 

Not being sexually desired by your partner can be extremely painful.   It doesn't get better - ever.  (I've been married to a nearly asexual woman for over 30 years now).  From that perspective, my thoughts:

 

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be desired, wanting passionate sex.  Many people cannot be happy in a relationship without a good sex life. Without sex and desire the relationship feels like play-acting. Or some dry stuffed corpse of a relationship, not the real thing.

 

There is also nothing wrong with him not wanting sex - but you are incompatible.  It is unlikely  you can be happy together. 

 

Since you had a lot of sex early on, intentionally or not he deceived you. He presented an image of himself that did not match reality.  I do not believe you are morally bound to spend the rest of your life with him.  The immigration issue is unfortunate, but divorce always comes with negative consequences.

 

If you leave - you can try to make it clear that its not his fault. That your are just incompatible.  He will probably be extremely unhappy.    It gets ever more difficult to leave, and eventually leaving is emotionally impossible.   If you are going to leave ever, now is better than later.  Also, if you are going to leave, DO NOT GET PREGNANT.  I cannot emphasize this enough . I know nothing about him, but there are horribly unscrupulous men who will attempt to get their wives pregnant so that they can't leave.  

 

If you stay:  I stayed - and I don't recommend it.  If you stay, give up hope.  It is very unlikely to get better, and hope will destroy you because it will constantly be dashed. Accept the one big global rejection, not the continuous little rejections.     Have pity sex if you need it - but understand that he is just doing it *for* you and will never desire you.   

 

If you stay, at some point you will have an opportunity to cheat.  It will seem so reasonable - your husband is turning you down for sex so why not?  Anger and frustration will combine to make cheating so attractive - and then YOU will feel like the bad guy.  I will not fault anyone who cheats in this sort of situation, but most people fault themselves. 

 

Clearly I'm suggesting leaving - but listen to what other say and most important, imagine yourself in 20 years.  Can you be happy as things are, or will you find yourself trapped in a marriage with someone you resent?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I totally agree with all Uhtred has said.  I am sorry for this situation you are in.  Feel free to PM me as well, if you need to vent.  

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I don't entirely agree with @uhtred, and I don't want to repeat what I've posted in another thread.

 

If a partner is talking to you about their asexuality then you're ahead of many cynical/pessimistic stories here: your partner has recognized you're experiencing different things, and a lot of the pain people report is due to communication problems (and it can go both ways, it really depends on the couple).

 

I fully agree that you shouldn't entangle further. And you may not work out long term, and there's no shame in that. On the other hand, you might work out well together after negotiating this difference. (I'm really happy with my own partner!)

 

It's also worth keeping in mind that "a couple times a month" is a lot more frequent than years-of-celibacy experienced by some sexual partners, and an understandable pessimism/caution may be coming from their experience.

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