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55 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Honestly, really, does it matter?

Only in the context that he was challenging being called a gossip (not by me) because the term applies to women...

 

...and, I suppose, because if a word really is used differently elsewhere that’s good to know.  Here it universally has a negative connotation.  Calling someone a gossip where I live implies that they are shallow and untrustworthy.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Gossip's gossip where I am, the mouth it comes out of is irrelevant.

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I’m on AVEN because my partner is ace. She is the most amazing woman I’ve ever had in my life. I’m here to understand more about my partner, and to try to see how other mic sexual and ace couples deal with their differences of libido.

 

I’ve just given up on sex since the first time my partner kissed me. That day I realized that I didn’t need sex to know how much she loved me/ how much more important she was to me than sex ever could be.

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's great you can find a way for your relationship to work. How long since you found out about her asexuality?

From the first day I asked her out on a date. Was a little surprised by this, but I’m so happy we both have given each other the chance. Our first anniversary is coming up this week and I’m hoping for many many more

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3 hours ago, Jonnyb7283 said:

...and to try to see how other mic sexual and ace couples deal with their differences of libido.

With my hand mostly.  👏🙃😂

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5 hours ago, Jonnyb7283 said:

I didn’t need sex to know how much she loved me/ how much more important she was to me than sex ever could be.

So, then....problem somewhat solved?  It sounds like you’re generally satisfied with where you are.  That’s great and you’re not alone: There are numerous folks on here who have seemingly been successful at setting sex aside for the greater good. Whatever works towards your fulfillment in life. 👍🏻

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  • 2 weeks later...
55 minutes ago, CBC said:

A tad. I wish them well of course, very sincerely, but a lifetime of no sex with someone you love is different than a year of no sex at the beginning of a relationship when you're eager to please and to be what someone wants.

 

But I do hope it works, in a way that doesn't cause anyone to feel like they're not being true to themselves.

Second this thought!  

 

At times it feels this sentiment is one which we “should not utter” these days. There seems to be a silencing of sorts happening around here recently.  Thanks for saying that which I think most of the time @cbc... 🍷 to having a pair 💪🏼😆

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I think some of the approach depends on what the poster is asking/is “here for.”

 

If someone is strictly relating a success story and not raising concerns - or giving an example of personal success in response to someone else’s question - telling them they’re probably wrong seems a bit harsh.  On the other hand, if they’re relating their current state and then asking whether it’s sustainable/if there are pitfalls to avoid/if they should be concerned that one partner is happier with the arrangement than the other, then it makes perfect sense to give them honest feedback (even if that feedback is not positive or encouraging).

 

It’s kind of like marriage - if someone is talking excitedly about their upcoming wedding, that’s probably not a great time to haul out all your divorce stories... but if they’re wondering if they should get married/expressing concerns/asking what to be aware of going in/etc. then sharing your experiences is reasonable and helpful.

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5 minutes ago, CBC said:

Life tip, speaking from experience, for the wondering and wavering and uncertain amongst us... don't tell absolutely no one you're getting married because it sounds less mortifying more romantic and exciting that way. Give people a chance to grill you on wtf you're doing. 🙃

Especially important if it really is “less mortifying” that’s behind the silence...

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23 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

It’s kind of like marriage - if someone is talking excitedly about their upcoming wedding, that’s probably not a great time to haul out all your divorce stories... 

Crap - I just cleared editor in error when AVEN booted me mid-thought.  Sigh ok, watered down version of my thought warning:

 

I don’t see this analogy as even remotely similar to that of attempting mixed relationship advice. It’d be like comparing bear experiences to that of ones had with Sasquatch.  One is just more rare and therefore begs to be shared perhaps.  I understand your general point though.

 

Anyhow, we are officially 1-for-1 in bad analogies today! 😂

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22 minutes ago, CBC said:

don't tell absolutely no one you're getting married because it sounds less mortifying more romantic and exciting that way. Give people a chance to grill you on wtf you're doing. 🙃

No, you should tell everyone you love and who loves you. If you have to hide it, then that’s the first sign of impending doom....😬

 

Edit:  Then you said this (can’t seem to quote)

 

“But something was so very... off... that I hated being open about it. Maybe if I'd bothered letting anyone else into my head they would've talked sense into me.”

 

Precisely! 

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Anthracite_Impreza
5 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

No, you should tell everyone you love and who loves you.

Not if you know they'll have issues with it cos of your orientation...

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7 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I don’t see this analogy as even remotely similar to that of attempting mixed relationship advice. It’d be like comparing bear experiences to that of ones had with Sasquatch.  One is just more rare and therefore begs to be shared perhaps.  I understand your general point though.

I wasn’t trying to compare marriage and mixed relationships - just times where advice is appropriate versus times when it’s better to stick to “I’m glad for you” or “I hope things continue to work out.”

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Understood @ryn2 - the comparisons don’t work imho.  They are vastly different levels of advice needed perhaps?

 

Edit: Maybe not needed, but.....warranted?  That’s not right either. Sigh 

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1 minute ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Not if you know they'll have issues with it cos of your orientation...

Yeah, it’s sometimes easy to distinguish between “I feel good about this and wish I could share it, but the people close to me just won’t understand” and “I’m not comfortable getting input on this because I’m not ready to cope with what that input may be”...

 

...and sometimes not so easy.

 

Unfortunately when you have a poor “sounding board” you may keep quiet in the latter case because of bad experiences in the former.

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4 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Not if you know they'll have issues with it cos of your orientation

I think the key was, “and who loves you..”

 

if someone doesn’t accept your orientation, it throws the above into question I’d think?

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Just now, Traveler40 said:

Understood @ryn2 - the comparisons don’t work imho.  They are vastly different levels of advice needed perhaps?

*shrugs* it seems like any major, potentially-life-wrecking scenario - marriage, kids, relationship incompatibilities, considering a new job, buying a house, etc. - would apply.  Sometimes people are just excited to share their successes (and therefore not interested in hearing that others consider them “prefailures” instead) and other times they are looking for feedback.

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Anthracite_Impreza
3 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I think the key was, “and who loves you..”

 

if someone doesn’t accept your orientation, it throws the above into question I’d think?

I'm pretty sure my father loves me, but he doesn't accept that I'm trans and I'm never coming out as mecha to him. It's not always a simple delineation... 

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4 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I think the key was, “and who loves you..”

 

if someone doesn’t accept your orientation, it throws the above into question I’d think?

A lot of parents love their children to the best of their ability and yet still struggle to overcome their own biases...

 

I have a few friends with vastly different religious beliefs than mine.  There are some topics we just can’t discuss because they love me and genuinely want to save me from eternal damnation...

 

It can be pretty tricky.

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Fallen Unicorn
19 minutes ago, CBC said:

But something was so very... off... that I hated being open about it. Maybe if I'd bothered letting anyone else into my head they would've talked sense into me.

Heh, I can definitely relate to that. I didn't tell my family and friends all the tell-tale signs that my ex might've been manipulating me until a good few weeks after the breakup.

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Fallen Unicorn
19 minutes ago, CBC said:

I didn't know myself. My husband didn't really know himself.

Well, for me I did know myself, but my ex didn't know herself or my situation. So when my family made really poor decisions, she assumed that they were abusive like her father was, and tried to force me out of the situations and cut ties with my own father. She insisted that I live with her family, and that I'd "fit in great with them," but when I broke up with her and verbalized my frustrations to her and her family, they blocked me and moved out without me. Does that sound manipulative to you guys? I'm genuinely curious.

 

Like when I was spending the night with her, and my father called, she told me "Don't answer that." My mother and the volunteers at my +LGBT youth group think that she was controlling. It's still hard to believe sometimes.

 

It's a shame, she really made me feel special in the beginning, she even said she was pansexual when we met. But she was clearly dishonest, so...yeah. I knew myself before I got into the relationship, but I don't really know myself like I used to. Not after she messed with my head.

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1 hour ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Does that sound manipulative to you guys? I'm genuinely curious.

 

It may not sound manipulative, but it sounds really controlling.  Congratulations for getting out of it.

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17 minutes ago, Sally said:

It may not sound manipulative, but it sounds really controlling. 

*nods*  It sounds like they (the family members, not just your ex) were only “in it for you” as long as you were willing to do exactly what they wanted.

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Jonnyb7283
On 4/29/2019 at 7:55 AM, Apostle said:

It's refreshing to hear that her honesty has helped you make a decision. It could be that you too are on the asexual spectrum as well of course.

Good luck for the future.

Yeah I’m actually a fairly sexual person, it’s that I just don’t think I need sex for us to show each other how much we love each other.

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Anthracite_Impreza

How TF do you even fit in 4 times a day?? O.o

 

@Apostle I was referring to not coming out to family/acquaintances if you know they'll react badly, not partners. Partners should always be told of course (though I'm fairly sure my car could've figured out I'm mecha without me telling him ;))

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