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I think the most you can say, if someone behaves as though they might be [any given orientation... ace, het, gay, pan, bi, etc.] but insists they are another, is that they seem as though they could be [orientation].  Even that is going to rankle people who feel strongly about their own identification, as will “they say they are [orientation A] but I think they are really [orientation B].”

 

All you can really do is decide whether or not what’s happening  (or not) in the relationship works better for you than ending it would.

 

Commiserating, being upset, having bad days... all perfectly understandable.  Generalizing a partner’s behavior, posited thought processes, and the like, to “all asexuals” or “all sexuals” - especially when you’re labeling your partner rather than letting them self-identify - isn’t going to be received as well.

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, uhtred said:

Some people are not open to the discussion. I know my wife is convinced that here level of interest in sex is completely typical for women. There are people who are "sex discussion adverse". 

@uhtred, to me your engagement with AVEN forums has been very different from @Apostle: you thoughtfully engage in other areas of the forum, to explore thinking around sexuality that is helpful for other people that are trying to understand their orientation. You seem more sad and regretful, rather than secretly bitter and venting your anger... In contrast, @Apostle sticks to this one thread, ignores other people's experiences, and repeatedly offers "support" to sexuals... in a way that just looks to me like a repackaging of his anger at his own spouse.

And -- most importantly, @uhtred -- I can't recall you making embittered, negative blanket statements about asexual folks as a demographic.

 

53 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Commiserating, being upset, having bad days... all perfectly understandable.  Generalizing a partner’s behavior, posited thought processes, and the like, to “all asexuals” or “all sexuals” - especially when you’re labeling your partner rather than letting them self-identify - isn’t going to be received as well.

This, exactly this. Thank you for the rephrasing! 🙏

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2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I think the most you can say, if someone behaves as though they might be [any given orientation... ace, het, gay, pan, bi, etc.] but insists they are another, is that they seem as though they could be [orientation].  Even that is going to rankle people who feel strongly about their own identification, as will “they say they are [orientation A] but I think they are really [orientation B].”

 

All you can really do is decide whether or not what’s happening  (or not) in the relationship works better for you than ending it would.

 

Commiserating, being upset, having bad days... all perfectly understandable.  Generalizing a partner’s behavior, posited thought processes, and the like, to “all asexuals” or “all sexuals” - especially when you’re labeling your partner rather than letting them self-identify - isn’t going to be received as well.

Agreed. One of my friends has been married and fathered two children for over 30 years but knew he was homosexual since a teenager.  He didn't come out till a few years ago. He is still married and going away for the long weekend with his wife.

 

I haven't questioned him on his sex life and he hasn't questioned me on my asexuality. But I do believe his behaviour doesn't match his true orientation.

 

We may infer but can't assume anything.

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40 minutes ago, CBC said:

:D 

 

I'm pretty sure this word will remind me of you for the rest of my life now haha.

Poor Tele has an adverse reaction every time he sees someone who is averse to learning the difference between the two terms substitute “adverse” for “averse” (or vice versa).

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4 minutes ago, CBC said:

I've had to learn to tone down my own notorious instinct to correct people... apparently they do not like it sometimes. :P 

Yeah, it took me a while to realize that some people just don’t care if they’re using words wrong and thus do not find being gently notified helpful...

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Just now, ryn2 said:

Yeah, it took me a while to realize that some people just don’t care if they’re using words wrong and thus do not find being gently notified helpful...

(whereas I’m mortified to find I’ve been doing it and always want to be told as early as possible)

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9 minutes ago, CBC said:

Honestly I want people to tell me if I use a word incorrectly or spell it wrong so I don't do it again. Because that's mortifying to me, haha. 

Same

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why does whether they like being told matter? 

If you’re doing it as a kindness and they don’t find it kind or helpful, that defeats the purpose.  Helping the way you want to be helped instead of the way that’s needed and all that.

 

If you’re doing it as part of grading, editing, or managing someone, then it doesn’t matter.

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Generally I only bother correcting if your mistake results in a drastically different sort of statement (e.g. "I'm going to diffuse this bomb!")

 

Otherwise it's just... don't really care, I still knew what you meant, and I have bigger fish to fry.

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3 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

"I'm going to diffuse this bomb!"

That’s such a great visual!

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4 hours ago, CBC said:

:D 

 

I'm pretty sure this word will remind me of you for the rest of my life now haha.

Despite your beast intentions, I am deeply scared by your comment and it will effect me for life.  😈

 

Sadly correcting my spelling, language, or basic reasoning ability has little useful effect on me, but I don't mind people trying. 

 

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There are people whose errors I will point out, and there are people who will react so adversely that I just figure it's not worth being blasted in response.  

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25 minutes ago, Apostle said:

this term is generally used for female chat, not male chat

Huh?  It’s used - in the US, at least - for spreading information about people, especially negative information that’s speculation/is unverified.  Anyone can gossip.  It has nothing to do with gender.

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Gossiping is talking about someone in a derogatory way behind their back. It's not gender specific although it does tend to be done by females more than males.

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17 minutes ago, alibali said:

Gossiping is talking about someone in a derogatory way behind their back. It's not gender specific although it does tend to be done by females more than males.

As someone who works with all males, I assure you this is false.  😂😂

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50 minutes ago, ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

As someone who works with all males, I assure you this is false.  😂😂

I worked with nearly all men in my previous job and have to agree.

 

Gossip happens wherever people are bored, unhappy, and feeling a bit insecure.  None of that has anything to do with gender.

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7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I believe there is Proper Research (TM) to back this up. Men chit chat about other people just us much as women do.

Women may be more open about it, because it’s somehow seen as more acceptable for them to engage in, but... yeah, the dudes do it too.

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9 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Not in the UK it isn't. Traditionally, the word gossip has been a term used for women talk.

The media today may have changed this to some extent.

So what do you call the equally common man-talk Tele agreed research supports?

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10 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Yes, gossiping is not necessarily about running someone or persons down. It's generally talk for the sake of talking, or in modern times, using Facebook to type nonsense.

We normally use “chit-chat” or “small talk” to refer to harmless talking for the sake of talking and “gossip” for spreading rumors.

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Literally though.... The dudes at my job will SEEK ME OUT in the laser lab to come vent and bitch about other members.  I stay out of everything.  I have no time for drama.  But, I also always let people vent so I get the role of church confessional or some such. 

 

Okay...to be fair, I do enjoy some of the drama....from afar.... Like watching a train wreck....

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No, not at all.  But I got the impression that @Apostle's understanding of what I meant by men gossiping was the equivalence of his definition of 'man talk'.  I wanted to clarify.

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