ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 I think the most you can say, if someone behaves as though they might be [any given orientation... ace, het, gay, pan, bi, etc.] but insists they are another, is that they seem as though they could be [orientation]. Even that is going to rankle people who feel strongly about their own identification, as will “they say they are [orientation A] but I think they are really [orientation B].” All you can really do is decide whether or not what’s happening (or not) in the relationship works better for you than ending it would. Commiserating, being upset, having bad days... all perfectly understandable. Generalizing a partner’s behavior, posited thought processes, and the like, to “all asexuals” or “all sexuals” - especially when you’re labeling your partner rather than letting them self-identify - isn’t going to be received as well. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 1 hour ago, uhtred said: Some people are not open to the discussion. I know my wife is convinced that here level of interest in sex is completely typical for women. There are people who are "sex discussion adverse". @uhtred, to me your engagement with AVEN forums has been very different from @Apostle: you thoughtfully engage in other areas of the forum, to explore thinking around sexuality that is helpful for other people that are trying to understand their orientation. You seem more sad and regretful, rather than secretly bitter and venting your anger... In contrast, @Apostle sticks to this one thread, ignores other people's experiences, and repeatedly offers "support" to sexuals... in a way that just looks to me like a repackaging of his anger at his own spouse. And -- most importantly, @uhtred -- I can't recall you making embittered, negative blanket statements about asexual folks as a demographic. 53 minutes ago, ryn2 said: Commiserating, being upset, having bad days... all perfectly understandable. Generalizing a partner’s behavior, posited thought processes, and the like, to “all asexuals” or “all sexuals” - especially when you’re labeling your partner rather than letting them self-identify - isn’t going to be received as well. This, exactly this. Thank you for the rephrasing! 🙏 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 *snorts with derision* Quote Link to post Share on other sites
alibali Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 2 hours ago, ryn2 said: I think the most you can say, if someone behaves as though they might be [any given orientation... ace, het, gay, pan, bi, etc.] but insists they are another, is that they seem as though they could be [orientation]. Even that is going to rankle people who feel strongly about their own identification, as will “they say they are [orientation A] but I think they are really [orientation B].” All you can really do is decide whether or not what’s happening (or not) in the relationship works better for you than ending it would. Commiserating, being upset, having bad days... all perfectly understandable. Generalizing a partner’s behavior, posited thought processes, and the like, to “all asexuals” or “all sexuals” - especially when you’re labeling your partner rather than letting them self-identify - isn’t going to be received as well. Agreed. One of my friends has been married and fathered two children for over 30 years but knew he was homosexual since a teenager. He didn't come out till a few years ago. He is still married and going away for the long weekend with his wife. I haven't questioned him on his sex life and he hasn't questioned me on my asexuality. But I do believe his behaviour doesn't match his true orientation. We may infer but can't assume anything. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 40 minutes ago, CBC said: I'm pretty sure this word will remind me of you for the rest of my life now haha. Poor Tele has an adverse reaction every time he sees someone who is averse to learning the difference between the two terms substitute “adverse” for “averse” (or vice versa). 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 4 minutes ago, CBC said: I've had to learn to tone down my own notorious instinct to correct people... apparently they do not like it sometimes. Yeah, it took me a while to realize that some people just don’t care if they’re using words wrong and thus do not find being gently notified helpful... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Just now, ryn2 said: Yeah, it took me a while to realize that some people just don’t care if they’re using words wrong and thus do not find being gently notified helpful... (whereas I’m mortified to find I’ve been doing it and always want to be told as early as possible) 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 9 minutes ago, CBC said: Honestly I want people to tell me if I use a word incorrectly or spell it wrong so I don't do it again. Because that's mortifying to me, haha. Same 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said: Why does whether they like being told matter? If you’re doing it as a kindness and they don’t find it kind or helpful, that defeats the purpose. Helping the way you want to be helped instead of the way that’s needed and all that. If you’re doing it as part of grading, editing, or managing someone, then it doesn’t matter. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Generally I only bother correcting if your mistake results in a drastically different sort of statement (e.g. "I'm going to diffuse this bomb!") Otherwise it's just... don't really care, I still knew what you meant, and I have bigger fish to fry. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 3 minutes ago, Philip027 said: "I'm going to diffuse this bomb!" That’s such a great visual! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 I mean, my first interaction with you @Telecaster68 was you correcting my spelling and I was like OPE! OKEY DOKEY! 😂 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Oh honey, it was never personal. ❤️ 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 4 hours ago, CBC said: I'm pretty sure this word will remind me of you for the rest of my life now haha. Despite your beast intentions, I am deeply scared by your comment and it will effect me for life. 😈 Sadly correcting my spelling, language, or basic reasoning ability has little useful effect on me, but I don't mind people trying. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 There are people whose errors I will point out, and there are people who will react so adversely that I just figure it's not worth being blasted in response. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cupid69 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 On 4/16/2019 at 9:51 PM, anisotrophic said: x Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 25 minutes ago, Apostle said: this term is generally used for female chat, not male chat Huh? It’s used - in the US, at least - for spreading information about people, especially negative information that’s speculation/is unverified. Anyone can gossip. It has nothing to do with gender. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
alibali Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 Gossiping is talking about someone in a derogatory way behind their back. It's not gender specific although it does tend to be done by females more than males. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 17 minutes ago, alibali said: Gossiping is talking about someone in a derogatory way behind their back. It's not gender specific although it does tend to be done by females more than males. As someone who works with all males, I assure you this is false. 😂😂 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 50 minutes ago, ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said: As someone who works with all males, I assure you this is false. 😂😂 I worked with nearly all men in my previous job and have to agree. Gossip happens wherever people are bored, unhappy, and feeling a bit insecure. None of that has anything to do with gender. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: I believe there is Proper Research (TM) to back this up. Men chit chat about other people just us much as women do. Women may be more open about it, because it’s somehow seen as more acceptable for them to engage in, but... yeah, the dudes do it too. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cupid69 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 On 4/19/2019 at 11:00 AM, ryn2 said: x Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cupid69 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 On 4/19/2019 at 12:16 PM, ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said: x Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 9 minutes ago, Apostle said: Not in the UK it isn't. Traditionally, the word gossip has been a term used for women talk. The media today may have changed this to some extent. So what do you call the equally common man-talk Tele agreed research supports? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 10 minutes ago, Apostle said: Yes, gossiping is not necessarily about running someone or persons down. It's generally talk for the sake of talking, or in modern times, using Facebook to type nonsense. We normally use “chit-chat” or “small talk” to refer to harmless talking for the sake of talking and “gossip” for spreading rumors. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cupid69 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 On 4/17/2019 at 5:20 PM, anisotrophic said: x Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cupid69 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 On 4/19/2019 at 1:37 PM, ryn2 said: x Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 I guess we could just say “spreading rumors” and remove the ambiguity. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 Literally though.... The dudes at my job will SEEK ME OUT in the laser lab to come vent and bitch about other members. I stay out of everything. I have no time for drama. But, I also always let people vent so I get the role of church confessional or some such. Okay...to be fair, I do enjoy some of the drama....from afar.... Like watching a train wreck.... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 No, not at all. But I got the impression that @Apostle's understanding of what I meant by men gossiping was the equivalence of his definition of 'man talk'. I wanted to clarify. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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