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18 minutes ago, Apostle said:

'Cause I wanted it'. 

Really? Sounds like you've got it all under control in that department then!

Yeah.. I have a person that doesn't mind if I initiate cause I want something. 😛 She does the same when she wants it. Go figure. 

 

But, when she says no sex for months thats OK too. And if those months become years, thats OK too. We both know its possible at some point in the future one of us might not want it anymore. 

 

Which, point was, obviously not ace if Im initiating cause I want my partner to give me that. :lol: Yet, I still don't find it as important as some others and I dont need it for the romantic connection. Cause humans are varied. 

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2 hours ago, Serran said:

There is nothing wrong with valuing sex. I just get annoyed when people insist there is only one way to feel and that is miserable and unable to be romantically interested without it... human sexuality is quite varied. You can love the sexual connection but still be able to romantically adore someone if its lost. A lot cannot, but some can. 

It’s certainly possible that other people - and even I - could have this same experience (I mean, both you and your partner did, so it’s not even just you).  It’s one of those things you don’t know can/will happen until it happens.

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Grumpy Alien

“Humans are varied” answers so many questions posed on AVEN...

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anisotrophic
15 hours ago, Apostle said:

Seems to be all about you, you you then.

Duh yeah? What'd you expect, my asexual partner wants to have sex?

 

I'm like an ace pickup artist. I'm full of tips. Be the chore! Embrace seeking charity! Gratitude's good, I recommend saying "thank you".

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New to this thread, but not new to being a sexual married to an asexual.  What a situation, eh?  Lots of perspectives here - some I relate to, some I don’t.  My wife (of 9 years - out asexually last year) is not repulsed by sex, but unenthusiatic.  We have sex maybe once a month and honestly, that would be fine.  But what I can’t live without is passionate kissing, flirting, innuendo.  She is turned off by that and that is what sustains me when we can’t or aren’t up to have sex (kids, chores, work, etc.).  I don’t even really need sex, but I need to feel sexual - need that teasing, wanting, etc.  Anyone else find the idea of sexual banter/tension/kissing almost more fulfilling as sex itself?  I don’t think I can be with a partner who has dispassionate intercourse every few weeks to fulfill a perceived obligation to me.  I want a partner who genuinely enjoys romance and seeks her own sexual passion.  Intercourse or not, I think it’s the “want” that is so hard to live without.  Am I alone?

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anisotrophic
48 minutes ago, Asearching said:

My wife (of 9 years - out asexually last year) is not repulsed by sex, but unenthusiatic.  We have sex maybe once a month and honestly, that would be fine.  But what I can’t live without is passionate kissing, flirting, innuendo.  She is turned off by that and that is what sustains me when we can’t or aren’t up to have sex (kids, chores, work, etc.).  I don’t even really need sex, but I need to feel sexual - need that teasing, wanting, etc.

Here, I dug this up for you...

 

An ideal I try to strive for is for both partners to be & feel loved for the sexuality they have. If an asexual partner feels pressured to be different, they feel unloved for who they are. And yet being unable to express our attraction, as sexuals, may make us feel unloved for who we are.

My partner and I had therapy -- if you haven't tried it, consider it.  Improving communication might help, reflecting on the "how" you do things and "what" you need. The thread I linked above had an interesting conclusion.

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Fallen Unicorn
46 minutes ago, Asearching said:

Anyone else find the idea of sexual banter/tension/kissing almost more fulfilling as sex itself?

Oh I definitely do, that's a big part of the fun.

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Fallen Unicorn
47 minutes ago, Asearching said:

New to this thread, but not new to being a sexual married to an asexual.  What a situation, eh?  Lots of perspectives here - some I relate to, some I don’t.  My wife (of 9 years - out asexually last year) is not repulsed by sex, but unenthusiatic.  We have sex maybe once a month and honestly, that would be fine.  But what I can’t live without is passionate kissing, flirting, innuendo.  She is turned off by that and that is what sustains me when we can’t or aren’t up to have sex (kids, chores, work, etc.).  I don’t even really need sex, but I need to feel sexual - need that teasing, wanting, etc.  Anyone else find the idea of sexual banter/tension/kissing almost more fulfilling as sex itself?  I don’t think I can be with a partner who has dispassionate intercourse every few weeks to fulfill a perceived obligation to me.  I want a partner who genuinely enjoys romance and seeks her own sexual passion.  Intercourse or not, I think it’s the “want” that is so hard to live without.  Am I alone?

Also, no you're not alone. Even though it wasn't a marriage that I was in, I completely understand and agree with what you're saying. I thrive off romance where sexual passion is mutual, and without that, I couldn't make my last relationship work.

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anisotrophic
3 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

I thrive off romance where sexual passion is mutual

Delicious asymmetry. We can be like an ikebana arrangement. There are many ways to arrange flowers.

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Fallen Unicorn
4 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Delicious asymmetry. We can be like an ikebana arrangement. There are many ways to arrange flowers.

My apologies, but what are you saying? That sexuality is different for other sexuals?

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Fallen Unicorn
2 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

My apologies, but what are you saying? That sexuality is different for other sexuals?

I don't understand figurative language that well 😆

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anisotrophic
16 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

My apologies, but what are you saying? That sexuality is different for other sexuals?

 

16 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

I don't understand figurative language that well 😆

 

No, no, that there are different ways relationships can "work". The floral arrangement is a metaphor for relationships.

Asymmetry is normally not ideal, but there can be beautiful versions that are.

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5 hours ago, Asearching said:

New to this thread, but not new to being a sexual married to an asexual.  What a situation, eh?  Lots of perspectives here - some I relate to, some I don’t.  My wife (of 9 years - out asexually last year) is not repulsed by sex, but unenthusiatic.  We have sex maybe once a month and honestly, that would be fine.  But what I can’t live without is passionate kissing, flirting, innuendo.  She is turned off by that and that is what sustains me when we can’t or aren’t up to have sex (kids, chores, work, etc.).  I don’t even really need sex, but I need to feel sexual - need that teasing, wanting, etc.  Anyone else find the idea of sexual banter/tension/kissing almost more fulfilling as sex itself?  I don’t think I can be with a partner who has dispassionate intercourse every few weeks to fulfill a perceived obligation to me.  I want a partner who genuinely enjoys romance and seeks her own sexual passion.  Intercourse or not, I think it’s the “want” that is so hard to live without.  Am I alone?

You will never change your wife. I actually enjoyed the flirting before sex became a chore. It made me feel loved and wanted. But later the flirting became confusing and then scary. And then of course I started to feel that he only loved me if I had sex and stopped feeling valued as a person. It went from a relationship where we loved each other as people to being one totally hung up on sex. 

 

It's not too much for you to want that sexual relationship either. But you will have to decide on your own priorities and what is best for you.

 

It is a sacrifice somewhere along the line.

 

Note that asexuals too sacrifice. Mainly because no sexual person wants a relationship with them.

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25 minutes ago, Apostle said:

If an asexual wants a relationship with someone it only has a real chance of survival if it is with another like-minded person.

While sexually-compatible people certainly have one less significant obstacle to overcome, there are posters on AVEN (some of them even the sexual partners) who report being in happy, mixed-orientation long-term relationships.

 

It’s not right for everyone.  It’s not wrong for everyone.

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15 minutes ago, Apostle said:

What we need is a large scale census.

Agree that this would provide a more accurate picture but I don’t know that it’s coming any time soon.

 

15 minutes ago, Apostle said:

there are very few sexuals on this website who are happy with their lot otherwise they wouldn't post comments, would they?

From what others have said this varies over time but, yes, forums like this tend to draw people with concerns because people without concerns aren’t out there looking for answers.

 

15 minutes ago, Apostle said:

There are also many more females so I don't think anyone can get a true picture of what is going on.

Among the current, regular sexual posters it feels pretty evenly split to me but I have not sat down and counted.

 

There may also be some posters you are counting as women who are actually ftm trans or agender.

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They have, which is how I know.

 

I doubt people are going to note their gender in their first post in each thread...  probably some (most?) list their gender in their profiles but I’m always on a mobile device so I don’t see that information.

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anisotrophic
6 hours ago, Apostle said:

Unfortunately there are not so many males on these posts, especially sexual males, so the information may be somewhat skewed in one direction. Many people do not have the option to make a choice to leave their association and are therefore stuck and possibly unhappy.

This is pure anecdotal data from the few people posting, but a common element for happiness might be more related to your second sentence -- the sense of feeling trapped. An example of a happy male / male-at-birth individual is @Tarfeather.

 

For him, and me, and @anamikanon -- it seems we are allowed to look elsewhere. And then, it seems, we do not? (If I'm up-to-date here!) We're not trapped, and yet...  we aren't itching to find something more? Well, for me, I'm too busy (we have kids, I work full time), and my partner says he's okay with some sex (whether or not this lackluster interest is appealing to me seems to fluctuate), so honestly I think everything is relatively pretty good for me.
 

To be clear, I express a lot of gratitude and acceptance for his lack of desire. It might be a lot easier to do that in a very genuine way when I'm allowed to look elsewhere -- even if I don't?


And you imply that it's harder for cishet men, but have you considered the extent to which society trains cishet women to consider sexual attractiveness a highly valued, important aspect of being a woman? Have you not noticed the omnipresence of this message? Have you thought about what it might mean for women -- trained to think that men always want to have sex, constantly reminded to use make-up and clothing and jewelry to maintain a desirable appearance -- have you thought about what sexual rejection feels like to them?

I'm not going to say one is harder than the other here, but when you emphasize gender issues -- I think you might not realize how painful it could be for someone in a traditional female role to be rejected by her husband. It's entirely possible experiencing this over the years messed with my gender identity. (But I don't care anymore.)
 

My profile says I'm FAB enby (female at birth, non-binary gender identity, pronoun preference they/their). I've been open about my interest in testosterone, but I don't expect to go all the way male either. Potential effects on libido are yet to be discovered, let the mismatch hijinks ensue? My partner doesn't have a sexual preference with gender (it's all an absence, it seems) and tells me his romantic orientation is "you-romantic" (aww).

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I don't think there is much use to the "who has it more difficult" question - I think that depends more on each individual situation than on overall gender, orientation or sexual vs asexual. 

 

I just know that mixed marriages cause a lot of misery and I wish asexuality was discussed much more openly so that people could recognize it in themselves and in others before they formed permanent relationships.  Too often I see a couple where neither really recognizes that one is nearly asexual, untilt they are married and have kids - and at that point they can easily feel trapped for life.  Whether the asexual is trapped in having regular sex that they can't stand, or the sexual is trapped by enforced celibacy, the result can be misery. 

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

I don't think there is much use to the "who has it more difficult" question - I think that depends more on each individual situation than on overall gender, orientation or sexual vs asexual. 

 

I just know that mixed marriages cause a lot of misery and I wish asexuality was discussed much more openly so that people could recognize it in themselves and in others before they formed permanent relationships.  Too often I see a couple where neither really recognizes that one is nearly asexual, untilt they are married and have kids - and at that point they can easily feel trapped for life.  Whether the asexual is trapped in having regular sex that they can't stand, or the sexual is trapped by enforced celibacy, the result can be misery. 

 

 

 

 

I agree. I just still think some asexuals would not know. Even if society didnt expect them to be sexuals. And it is still just 1 percent. I beleive that many asexuals find out about their stance regarding sexuality in the process of actually having a sexual relationship. “I just thougth that I was doing it wrong or that my partner wasnt the rigth one!” Or something like that. 

 

It would be nice with more openness.

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13 minutes ago, MrDane said:

I agree. I just still think some asexuals would not know. Even if society didnt expect them to be sexuals. And it is still just 1 percent. I beleive that many asexuals find out about their stance regarding sexuality in the process of actually having a sexual relationship. “I just thougth that I was doing it wrong or that my partner wasnt the rigth one!” Or something like that. 

 

It would be nice with more openness.

I wonder if it is really only 1%.   I see a lot of this on marriage boards - maybe not complete asexuality, but a lack of desire for sex that is sufficient to be misery for relationships.

I think it is was more discussed, people who felt little or no desire for sex would recognize that as something innate, rather than thinking that if they just find the "right person" it would go away. 

 

Imagine if no one talked about homosexuality.  Someone who was gay might not understand what was going on.  A gay man might get married thinking that he would somehow come to desire his wife, while believing he was horribly broken for instead desiring other men.  He might not know that he wasn't alone, but that there were many others like him, and that to be happy he needed to be in a relationship with another man, not with a woman.

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1 minute ago, uhtred said:

I wonder if it is really only 1%.   I see a lot of this on marriage boards - maybe not complete asexuality, but a lack of desire for sex that is sufficient to be misery for relationships.

I think it is was more discussed, people who felt little or no desire for sex would recognize that as something innate, rather than thinking that if they just find the "right person" it would go away. 

 

Imagine if no one talked about homosexuality.  Someone who was gay might not understand what was going on.  A gay man might get married thinking that he would somehow come to desire his wife, while believing he was horribly broken for instead desiring other men.  He might not know that he wasn't alone, but that there were many others like him, and that to be happy he needed to be in a relationship with another man, not with a woman.

Good point!

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1% doesn’t sound like a lot, but consider that the current estimate for homosexuality is only 3-4%.

 

10 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I see a lot of this on marriage boards - maybe not complete asexuality, but a lack of desire for sex that is sufficient to be misery for relationships.

Totally agree that ace awareness is important, but I don’t think it’s going to address this.  The vast majority of people with what ultimately turn out to be mismatched libido-wise aren’t ace, will have varying experiences from relationship to relationship, and won’t have any sense of an issue early on.

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

Too often I see a couple where neither really recognizes that one is nearly asexual, untilt they are married and have kids 

This is definitely a problem in mixed ace/sexual marriages... but there are also (many more, based on percentages) sexual people who actually desired sex at one point (and might in a new relationship subsequently) but no longer do.

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