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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'd also say that's the point where asexuals should make clear that they're not interested in sex, even if they don't know the term 'asexual'.

What I meant in my post above wasn’t about the term asexual - it was about knowing prior to entering a relationship that one’s feelings about sex are unusual or noteworthy in some way.

 

Like, I know that now and would be extremely hesitant to enter into another relationship.  Ali doesn’t plan to enter another relationship.  Many of the ace posters here either don’t plan to enter into future relationships or don’t intend to keep their orientation/their atypical feelings towards sex secret going forward.

 

Usually when I see someone here advocating it, it’s a poster who has not yet been in a mixed relationship and is underestimating potential issues.  I see the same thing occasionally from a sexual person considering pursuing (or very earling in) a relationship with an ace person.

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When I was younger I legitimately thought I was really into sex and, if asked (or if volunteering info), would have quite honestly said exactly that.  It wasn’t until I came here that I started to realize my interest in - and what I take away from

and am able to bring to - sex is vastly different than that of the sexuals posting here.

 

The classic picture of an asexual person as someone who has zero interest in sex at all and knows it from the start does not fit everyone.  Most of the people it does fit who post here are also aromantic and lifelong single.  The big exception seems to be people whose religion/culture/family expectations forbid premarital sex.

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Ali...

 

I'd imagine it would take about the same amount of courage and trust as making a sexual move on someone in the first place - in both cases someone's making themselves vulnerable and risking rejection and ridicule. I'd also say that's the point where asexuals should make clear that they're not interested in sex, even if they don't know the term 'asexual'.

 

When I was young I didn't even know I wasn't interested in sex because I was interested in sex....just not for the reasons sexuals are interested in sex. I enjoyed the closeness, I enjoyed the person I was with, I joined in and I didn't know that there was a particular way to feel desire that I was lacking.

 

So I couldn't have answered that question in any way other than how I did.  That i enjoyed it as above, but I wasn't that interested.  That was correct at the time.

 

I think people do change as they get older so that what was previously tolerable ceases to be. I reckon it is to do with the psychology of aging.  When young you will try all sorts, you find it easier to tolerate discomfort, you are still discovering yourself and others and fitting in.

 

Ten, twenty, thirty years on you tend to become more comfortable with yourself, and less likely to tolerate discomfort. That's often why there are so many mid life crises.  People start seeing they have less time left.

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I would imagine it is easier to recognise a positive orientation than a negative or certainly indifferent one. I think most people would know they identify as gay or straight. May also he harder to identify as bi  or pan or poly as well. It's very complex isn't it.

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24 minutes ago, alibali said:

I would imagine it is easier to recognise a positive orientation than a negative or certainly indifferent one. I think most people would know they identify as gay or straight. May also he harder to identify as bi  or pan or poly as well. It's very complex isn't it.

Probably so.  Also, I help run a group for bisexuals/pansexuals and most of the people there figured their orientation out pretty young.  Like, pre-teen to teen young.  Though, my group is pretty thirsty, so maybe I've just been gathering up all of the hypersexuals.  😂

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1 hour ago, alibali said:

I would imagine it is easier to recognise a positive orientation than a negative or certainly indifferent one. I think most people would know they identify as gay or straight. May also he harder to identify as bi  or pan or poly as well. It's very complex isn't it.

I think so too. If I was asked during teenage/hound adult years, I'd have said heterosexual as my orientation but it was only around 23 that I came to identify as asexual

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2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I was more thinking of someone who was aware their attitude to sex and interest in it seemed different to almost everyone else's, so they could be expected to mention this when sex started to become part of a relationship

At least based on the older posters here (the ones who predate asexuality awareness’ starting to get some public traction), I’m not sure there are a lot of people out there who *do* know they vary from typical in this way (at least unless they are actively repulsed by all things sexual).  You have to have really serious, detailed conversations about not just sex but the whole emotional frame behind it, with people who recognize that asexuality (not the name, the concept) exists and isn’t just a treatable problem, before you start to see the difference.

 

Once the lightbulb has come on past discussions and events look different in hindsight.

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(and I’m sure the lens of my own experience colors my view, but I’ve seen numerous other people posting/describing similar-sounding experiences)

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2 hours ago, alibali said:

 

I would imagine it is easier to recognise a positive orientation than a negative or certainly indifferent one. I think most people would know they identify as gay or straight.

 

*nods*  I know for me I always knew I was not interested in any way in other women.  It wasn’t something I questioned and had shamed out of me... it was just never there.

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15 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Talking about the subject before any commitment is crucial to the long term survival and happiness of both partners. That is my belief and probably that of billions/millions of sexuals across the world.

Talking about it is certainly important but isn’t going to reveal differences people don’t

know can exist.  Some people don’t realize they aren’t going to want sex, or don’t want it the way others do, until they’ve actually had it for a while.  If they’re both part of a religious tradition where it’s supposed to be saved for marriage that’s potentially going to muddy things even further because any discomfort discussing it can be (perhaps mis)interpreted as guilt about thinking sinful thoughts.

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anisotrophic
19 hours ago, alibali said:

 I think most people would know they identify as gay or straight. May also he harder to identify as bi  or pan or poly as well. It's very complex isn't it.

I think it's interesting that my partner privately identified as bi before ace. My observation is that this mix (questioning between bi and ace) is more common in female aces. I haven't asked if he had romantic feelings for the male partner... but at this point I've dissected this stuff so much, I think I'd rather not annoy him more, heh.

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56 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Sex is sinful?

Depending on one’s religious beliefs premarital, extramarital, and even non-procreative sex may be considered sinful.  While I don’t share those religious beliefs personally I can certainly see how holding them could interfere with discovering/recognizing sexual mismatches before marriage.

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6 hours ago, Apostle said:

You don't have to have sex before marriage or any other type of relationship in order to make a relationship work, as is determined in the Islamic world for example. Talking about the subject before any commitment is crucial to the long term survival and happiness of both partners. That is my belief and probably that of billions/millions of sexuals across the world.

We don't want to be shackled by existing Victorian convention and, like sexual equality, it's long overdue that sexuality and preference should be discussed between potential partners without embarrassment or prejudice prior to a serious relationship.

The problem though is that people who haven't had sex may not know whether or not they want it.  Someone who is sex repulsed my already know that they don't want sex, but I expect there are others who expect to enjoy sex, but discover that they don't. 

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2 hours ago, Apostle said:

Big dilemma for sexuals, isn't it? The most important decision of their lives to possibly hook up with a partner for life and then have the carpet taken from under their feet.

I certainly would not recommend any of my sons to have to go through what I am going through and I have told them of the dangers. To date they have listened to my advice.

 

Helps keep down the population anyway!

That’s why I said a while back that it behooves people for whom sexual compatibility is important to not make relationship decisions until the NRE/infatuation phase is long past.

 

In defense of both sexuals and asexuals, though, until asexuality is widely known the possibility of so wide and unchanging a mismatch is not going to be on most people’s radar.

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55 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Well of course it is, in the context of two people liking the same amount of sexual interaction.

...and that’s something people who can (who are not bound by religious or cultural constraints) should confirm they share before committing.

 

55 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Not sure about infatuation phase though. Doesn't this occur more often in teenagers? I can't say I ever went through an infatuation phase after I left school although perhaps females are more likely to go through this phase than males.

Early on in many relationships people - regardless of age or gender, or sexuality - go through a phase where they are a bit obsessed with the new partner.  Whatever you want to call it (NRE, infatuation, the honeymoon period, etc.), it’s the bit at the beginning where you want to spend tons of time with the person (to the potential detriment of your other responsibilities), everything about them is fascinating, the whole thing is so exciting, etc.  It’s a time when you may be “in love” with the person but don’t really know them well enough to love them for their real self yet.

 

During that time your perception of the relationship is not fully rational.

 

Eventually reality sets back in and you realize you can’t stay up all night during the week forever.  You start noticing your partner has flaws.  You want to spend time alone, with your pets, and with your friends again.  That’s

when you can start rationally assessing your relationship - how much you like the person now that you know them, how compatible you are and in what way, how well your life plans align - and making decisions about whether to continue as is, find someone else, or up the commitment level.

 

People who up the commitment level while they are still in that initial phase are much more likely to discover they were “blinded by love” and made regrettable choices.

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28 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I still believe however that this is down to young love and not to those who are more mature and know a bit about the real world

No, it happens to older (and even old) folks as well.  People with more experience may be better at reminding themselves the feeling will pass, but they still go through it.  It’s a brain chemistry thing.

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3 minutes ago, Apostle said:

If true then probably a very few minority.

No, it’s pretty much everybody.

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4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

No, it’s pretty much everybody.

Or, I should say, everybody who has the capacity to enter into potentially-lasting romantic and/or sexual relationships.  People who have no interest in being/draw to be in non-platonic relationships with other people probably don’t experience it.

 

I know you (Apostle) struggle with the difference between “romantic” as in the type of attraction/love and “romantic” as in “pertaining to romance,” but I can’t find a less confusing synonym.

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Fallen Unicorn

Hello.

 

I'm a sexual person that is new to this website. I joined because my ex came out to me as asexual during the relationship, and I tried to make it work. I was happy around my partner, but I was having anxiety attacks and I found that the relationship wasn't worth that. I didn't find out that the lack of sex was the reason until a week after.

 

I lost a lot from breaking off that relationship, and I feel stupid sometimes for valuing sex that much. I tell my mother that I should've tried harder, but she reminds me that it would've compromised who I am as a person. And sacrificing that isn't healthy, she refers to it as "sacrificing an arm or a leg." As opposed to a normal, healthy sacrifice in a relationship.

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27 minutes ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

 I feel stupid sometimes for valuing sex that much

Don't. Really don't. You saved yourself a ton of pain trying to continue to work on something that wasn't making you feel good. You will fall in love again, and you'll have that sexual element and it'll feel right. I understand the guilt but try to let yourself off the hook. 

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Fallen Unicorn
On 3/24/2019 at 6:21 PM, Skullery Maid said:

 

 

Don't. Really don't. You saved yourself a ton of pain trying to continue to work on something that wasn't making you feel good. You will fall in love again, and you'll have that sexual element and it'll feel right. I understand the guilt but try to let yourself off the hook. 

Thank you.

Edited by Fallen Unicorn
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