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3 hours ago, Apostle said:

No, not at all, only when we had the last of our three children. She has never taking the lead but I've dated several ladies whereby this seemed to be normal so I didn't think anymore of it at the time.

 

Brings to mind  a sentence from a Daniel woodrell novel

 

At the birth of the second child it was as though she'd broken the tape at the end of an arduous race, and would race no more, she had her trophies

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Not saying it was your fault, but I think it was a tad optimistic to just expect it all to be okay.

I do have a tendency to be a bit naive and overly optimistic.  That's completely true.

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3 hours ago, Apostle said:

No, not at all, only when we had the last of our three children. She has never taking the lead but I've dated several ladies whereby this seemed to be normal so I didn't think anymore of it at the time.

Reading through these forums it is quite common that many asexuals do not know that they are just that and go along with the flow, sexually that is. However, there comes a time when they may see themselves in a different light or that they change due to circumstances, like failed partnerships, having children, financial independence etc. The list is probably endless as to the reasons why. 

Personally, I think there is a genetic link with my SO as she has a brother, now 60 years old, one failed relationship in his 30's and a bachelor boy ever since. There just doesn't seem to be that sexual spark in their physiology.

I blame my MiL.😈

 

I was sex neutral when I got married and I just thought that sex was supposed to be part of life. It was only several years later that I became sex repulsed. People change.

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I just used the contact us route.  Who knows, but I foresee the majority of my posts marked edited. Thanks

 

just to make my point 👇

Edited by Traveler40
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Yeah, I can’t see when I’ve accidentally hit return until I post so I edit 50% or more (and pretty much every long one)...

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5 minutes ago, iff said:

Thanks, this will be looked at :)

 

Thanks!  Whatever it is changed either overnight or this morning GMT-5... the first time I thought I hit the wrong button but nope...

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Here some politicians use their positional influence more positively than others do but there aren’t many who are outright stupid.  The problem (here) is less often the politicians themselves and more often the citizenry and/or special interest groups who support them.

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14 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Yeah, I can’t see when I’ve accidentally hit return until I post so I edit 50% or more (and pretty much every long one)...

It's bugging the crap out of me too!! I make so many typos which I try to edit the moment I spot them, but I don't need everyone to know that I'm such a useless typer on mobile (and on a regular keyboard too sometimes!!)

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On 1/23/2019 at 3:54 AM, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:
On 1/22/2019 at 1:50 PM, ryn2 said:

Yeah, I can’t see when I’ve accidentally hit return until I post so I edit 50% or more (and pretty much every long one)...

It's bugging the crap out of me too!! I make so many typos which I try to edit the moment I spot them, but I don't need everyone to know that I'm such a useless typer on mobile (and on a regular keyboard too sometimes!!)

Someone emailed me from the admod team and said this change was before the board  and in review.  They plan to make some kind of an announcement on it soon.  Sidenote: Site comments is the preferred communication route apparently. 😬. Anyhow, here’s to hoping they go back to how it was.

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I don't think you have to have it appear under your post if you edit, do you?  Doesn't it ask  you if you want that known?

 

I don't know how anyone can type on their phones.  I still use one finger to type on my phone;  it would take forever to do a post and it would be completely unintelligible.  

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24 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

It's happening automatically for a lot of us now, no choice in the matter, no box available to tick.

I'm going to test it.   

 

So I'm editing this -- let's see if it says I've done so.

 

Edited by Sally
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7 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Yeah I fix typos and edit wording choices and add additional sentences and stuff all the time. Mostly it bugs me because I think people will automatically assume I back-pedalled on something and I'm changing my view or whatever haha, which is illogical to think they'd assume that, but still. I would never edit a post to say something entirely different or just to make someone else look bad.

Same (bolded)!

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 9/26/2010 at 11:03 AM, Tapestry said:

I am a sexual female. I have been married to my asexual husband for over 16 years and have three kids (thank goodness for adoption! lol). He was interested in sex before we got married, but it turned off like a switch during the honeymoon and has been that way ever since. He has no explanation for why this happened. I find I sometimes feel so resentful and deceived. It's so hard to deal with. I used to always think my husband just wasn't into me or that I was unattractive, but a few years ago I started looking for a "cause", so to speak. Eventually found this site, pretty much when I was at the point I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and might jump on some random strange man walking down the street. Then I started getting depressed again and had to stop thinking about it and had to take a break from reading online and Aven, and now I've started thinking about it again and decided to reconnect with Aven. It's really helpful for me to talk with people in the same situation. I had talked to my husband a lot after finding Aven, and he agreed that he is asexual (had never heard of it before). I'm so conflicted...feel like I can't keep living like this but don't want to put my kids through a divorce, so I live in limbo. Unfortunately on top of no sex we have absolutely no intimacy or affection of any kind. My husband pretty much doesn't talk to me. I'm thankful he's a good father. I'm 38 and my kids are 3, 6, and almost-8. I've been trying to throw myself into activities and am planning to go back to college in the next year or so for a career change, but still, there is such emptiness in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Happy to be back here and hope to learn and share with you all. :)

Your story is very similar to mine except we don’t have kids, one of my biggest regrets. My husband (asexual) is affectionate, to a point, but I’ve found that over the years and lack of intimacy that I am not overly affectionate towards him either. I’ve felt how you feel and understand your frustration. I to threw myself into my career thinking it would take my mind off it but it didn’t work. I came to realise that as a sexual, there is just no substitute for sex. My husband and I have always been able to talk openly about his asexuality since finding out about it, so I gave him the option of divorce or allowing me to seek sex elsewhere. He agreed, albeit reluctantly, but if he hadn’t I don’t think I could’ve stayed. I got to a point, after being faithful for 20 years, that I just couldn’t deny my nature any longer. This isn’t the solution for everyone but it works for us.

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On 2/15/2019 at 12:57 AM, Apostle said:

You are both like I am except I am male. No affection and obviously no sex. I've been an enforced celibate for 24 years now and always wake up to the same subject. It's a cruel twist of life isn't it. Trouble is I've children also and they came first. It's difficult to take the sexuality out of someone though, isn't it and something that asexuals will NEVER understand as they are missing the necessary chemical and physiological elements of sexual humans.

My B in L is a bachelor and I now suspect my son is as he is in his mid twenties and not a sign ever that he is or has ever been interested in males or females and has never dated as far as I know.

Sigh. 😕

You nailed it when you called it a cruel twist of life!! It sure is and perhaps it’s lucky for them that they will never understand. My husband once said that if he could take a pill and make himself sexual he’d take it. I said if there was a pill that would make me asexual I wouldn’t take it because I know what he’s missing, even if he doesn’t.

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Hello,  I'm new.  I am a sexual person (Very sexual) meaning I do desire and I would even say to an extent need sexual and physical intimacy.  My wife has recently come out in the last few years as asexual.  Our sex life has always been a bit off.  At least to me.  The frequency and she has never had that desire to have sex that I have.  I've tried to understand it and I have recently bought books such as "The invisible Orientation" to help me better understand what her experience as far as sexuality is so I can be a better partner and more understanding.  I do however feel as though our relationship is hitting an impasse.  I want/need/deisire sex and physical intimacy and she doesn't.  Obviously because she has told me so.  I understand I do need to have a more detailed conversation with her on how we can both have our needs or lack there of met.  The reason I joined AVEN is first and for most education and understanding.  I am also seeking advice either from other sexuals and asexuals on how you handle the conundrum of both people getting their needs met.

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28 minutes ago, dbarnes said:

Hello,  I'm new.  I am a sexual person (Very sexual) meaning I do desire and I would even say to an extent need sexual and physical intimacy.  My wife has recently come out in the last few years as asexual.  Our sex life has always been a bit off.  At least to me.  The frequency and she has never had that desire to have sex that I have.  I've tried to understand it and I have recently bought books such as "The invisible Orientation" to help me better understand what her experience as far as sexuality is so I can be a better partner and more understanding.  I do however feel as though our relationship is hitting an impasse.  I want/need/deisire sex and physical intimacy and she doesn't.  Obviously because she has told me so.  I understand I do need to have a more detailed conversation with her on how we can both have our needs or lack there of met.  The reason I joined AVEN is first and for most education and understanding.  I am also seeking advice either from other sexuals and asexuals on how you handle the conundrum of both people getting their needs met.

Hey dbarnes.  I am a sexual in a relationship with an asexual. However the difference between my situation and yours is that I went into this relationship knowing that he was asexual. Also my relationship is much shorter than yours. Not that I haven't had long relationships. I've definitely been through the ringer with challenging marriages.

 

I joined aven to help understand my partner better. And I think I have which is really nice. One thing I have learned is that although a lot of us deal with the same sort of issues in our relationships, our partners can be vastly different on how they handle dealing with the topic of sexuality.  Some asexuals are sex averse and their partners have to deal with complete celibacy. Some asexuals are sex indifferent. They might engage in sexual activities with their partners but they don't seek it out and it doesn't really mean anything to them except for to make their partner happy. Some people are okay with this compromise, others are not okay with it because they want to experience desire from their partner and in that situation they're not really getting it. then there are some asexuals who don't seem to have a problem with being sexual with their partner and even enjoy it while it's happening but they don't actively seek it out.

 

I thought that my partner was averse, but it turns out he's more or less indifferent and has done things for me on occasion that he would otherwise not do or seek out.  I do have to ask though. He will not initiate.  I do have the luxury of having somebody who really likes physical touch so mostly my needs are met there. What I have come to understand is that there has to be a lot of communication. I have to address my needs and his needs or lack thereof on a regular basis, because what one day might be okay, will not be okay another day. It's kind of a delicate dance.

 

Some people in this type of relationship have an open relationship policy so that the sexual can get their needs met outside of their partnership. My partner has offered this to me, but I'm currently not interested in doing so.  Maybe at some point when I'm more comfortable with how our relationship is going I will open myself up like that, but for now I would like to just focus on the two of us.

 

I definitely agree that sitting down with your partner and really hashing out what both of your needs are and what the two of you are willing to compromise on is really important to your relationship and you might come to find a happy middle ground for the both of you.  

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55 minutes ago, dbarnes said:

My wife has recently come out in the last few years as asexual....The reason I joined AVEN is first and for most education and understanding.  I am also seeking advice either from other sexuals and asexuals on how you handle the conundrum of both people getting their needs met.

Welcome to AVEN.  It seems you’ve found your way here following a few years notice from your wife and a bit of general reading on the subject.  That’s great and often not the case.  Having had both time and opportunity to read up on asexuality, what have you understood the options to be?  I’m sincerely curious as I found this site in ignorance 2 years ago, but I definitely had the options down after having lived with my asexual husband for 15 years.

 

The options aren’t plentiful or great, but there are a few to consider in the event you’d like to stay together.  Not one fits all and only the two of you can find the compromise that may work.

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14 minutes ago, xstatic said:

I definitely agree that sitting down with your partner and really hashing out what both of your needs are and what the two of you are willing to compromise on is really important to your relationship and you might come to find a happy middle ground for the both of you.  

Sure, I agree as well...but why hasn’t this happened if she came out a couple of years ago?!? 

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6 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Welcome to AVEN.  It seems you’ve found your way here following a few years notice from your wife and a bit of general reading on the subject.  That’s great and often not the case for many. Having had both time and opportunity to read up on asexuality, what have you understood the options to be?  I’m sincerely curious as I found this site in ignorance on the topic 2 years ago, but I definitely had all options down after having lived with my asexual husband for 15 years.

 

The options aren’t plentiful or great, but there are a few to consider together in the event you’d like to stay together.  Not one fits all and only the two of you can find the compromise that may work.

@Traveler40  For starters we have been married now for 10 years.  Even when we were dating I always kind of felt our sex life was a bit off.  We have always struggled in this area and in part due to her not fully knowing her sexuality until recently.  Please understand I don't mean that in a negative way it's just a fact.  She always has and honestly still does feel as though she is broken.  I do reinforce that she is not and that this is natural for her and everyone is different.  I mean if there are people who are homosexual and only attracted to same sex individuals why can there not be someone who just isn't attracted to anything and doesn't have any sexual desire.  

 

We have talked a bit about it.  We have talked about "compromising" and to be honest I still get a vibe that it's not something she really wants to do.  She has said before that sex is like a chore for her.  Like an obligation.  That makes me feel sad and frustrated.  When we do have sex I am not allowed to initiate.  It's always on her terms, and this maybe TMI, but one of the things I fantasize most about is being the initiator so that is also a bit frustrating for me.  I feel as though I have no control over this aspect of my own sexuality and desires.  All that aside I feel like compromising isn't really compromising at all and it's her simply giving a spoiled child what he wants even though she doesn't really want to.  That also makes me feel incredibly guilty.  Through all of this I have started trying to reflect on myself.  It makes me question if I am broken  because I have these sexual urges, needs, and desires.

 

Another thing we have talked about is opening our marriage and polyamory.  Anytime it is brought up we ultimately arrive at the same conclusion.  I feel incredibly guilty even though I have needs that need to be met and she isn't sure that she wouldn't be jealous.  If we could work through those emotions it could work in theory, but we don't know and is the cost of experimenting with this worth the risk?  I have thought about bringing up couples therapy for some outside help, but even that is hard to talk about.  She is a very introverted person and deals with depression and anxiety as well.  Note that we have had these issues even before she started medication to deal with her depression and anxiety.  If you have any advice please share.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

Dan

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