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1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

someone I once loved very, very much but have never found sexually attractive.

This is actually not exactly right.  I found him very sexually attractive until we actually moved it to the bedroom and attempted sex, at which point I found his mannerisms very off-putting.  He was much less sexually experienced than I was, so I figured he was just nervous and it would get better.

 

When I first came on here I could really relate to all the “had to drink to fake it,” “did it because I was expected to,” and “he thought it was fine but it never was” talk.  It turns out I can’t relate to a lot of the underlying stuff, though.

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14 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Well, I can understand why you think you may be ace/asexual but really I don't think you are. 

Agreed, as I’ve really thought back through ancient history I don’t think I am either.  The place  tele and I keep getting stuck on it is over communicating love/sustaining love via sex, though... as that was never really how it was for me.  His take seems to be if that piece is missing, you’re just using the other person as a masturbatory aid... but (at least in relationships where I was sexually attracted to the other person) that wasn’t how I experienced it.  It was something we enjoyed doing together, looked forward to, enjoyed anticipating, and made time for.  To me that feels like variations (within the sexual camp) on the meaning and importance of sex, but others seem to disagree.

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...and all that said it’s really a thought exercise at this point as my partner has left the relationship and I think I’m done with relationships going forward.

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4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Agreed, as I’ve really thought back through ancient history I don’t think I am either.  The place  tele and I keep getting stuck on it is over communicating love/sustaining love via sex, though... as that was never really how it was for me.  His take seems to be if that piece is missing, you’re just using the other person as a masturbatory aid... but (at least in relationships where I was sexually attracted to the other person) that wasn’t how I experienced it.  It was something we enjoyed doing together, looked forward to, enjoyed anticipating, and made time for.  To me that feels like variations (within the sexual camp) on the meaning and importance of sex, but others seem to disagree.

There are 3 legitimate reasons to have sex...

 

1) reproduction 

2) Pleasure (both giving and receiving)

3) To maintain a unique loving connection 

 

It sounds like you fall in to number 2 which is perfectly legit so long as the pleasure and enjoyment is mutual.

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I’ve never experienced sex as communication.  It was always more like edgy play.  So I don’t experience it the way you do, tele... but I don’t think that’s enough to qualify as ace.

 

Nowadays I answer questions like “if you never had sex again, would you care?” with “nope” because I literally lost my entire libido somewhere (and, again, not attracted to older folks so my expiration date passed long ago)... so I can relate to feeling that way... but before my last relationship I would have answered that much differently.

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Just now, James121 said:

There are 3 legitimate reasons to have sex...

 

1) reproduction 

2) Pleasure (both giving and receiving)

3) To maintain a unique loving connection 

 

It sounds like you fall in to number 2 which is perfectly legit so long as the pleasure and enjoyment is mutual.

Yes, back when I had a libido I definitely fell into option 2).

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13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

how you see sex in your own relationship,

The relationship ship sailed... not in one anymore.

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As I was working though things I made the mistake of telling my then-partner (by way of explaining that I didn’t mind that we no longer had sex, as I thought we’d stopped because he no longer wanted to have any) I thought I was ace.  He latched onto that and made it the root cause for every relationship issue back to day 1.

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Sorry to hear that. You okay?

It’s not what I wanted personally and it’s killing me financially but I’ll muddle through.  I’m a survivor.

 

So, no, but I’m sure I eventually will be?  Thank you for asking.  

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

I agree. But then add in your 'I don't mind never having sex again' and it seems to me to be so much in a grey area that honestly I have no idea. 

25 years ago I felt differently.  I actually got into the last relationship to have sex, ironically.  A lot has happened (listed above) and I don’t know how much of it is reversible.

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

People change (obvs), and there's a school of thought on AVEN that orientations are fluid, and people only figure out orientations later, sometimes.

 

So who knows, and why I tend to favour the 'if it quacks like a duck' approach.

I don’t think my orientation has changed; it was just a change in practice/convincing myself it wasn’t important to me for a long time.

 

More recently, with menopause, my libido basically vanished.  TMI  I used to take care of things myself quite regularly and now the urge hits maybe once every three months and vanishes in a minute or two if ignored.

 

So, in practice, for a lot of reasons I don’t think it’s something I’ll go back to...  never know, but it seems unlikely.

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34 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Yes, back when I had a libido I definitely fell into option 2).

Nothing wrong with that. 3 is really nice but to be fair if you are very “giving” within number 2 than you enter the number 3 area anyway.

 

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12 minutes ago, Apostle said:

My natural instinct as a sexual male is to hold and cuddle someone of the opposite sex, preferably the one I chose to marry. This is not possible as I know she is sex averse and therefore I am reluctant to get close in case she mistakes it as a sexual ploy. Thus I am both denied sex with the one I love and cuddles. 

 A cloud of gloomy acceptance hovers over me, a bit like a grey British summer. Ironic really as I do live in Britain.

 

Still, bring on Brexit, that will cheer us all up!😪😰

Was she sex averse at the point of marriage?

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19 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Yeah, as I get older I'm more attracted to females who have a brain.

I overall prefer people with brains, but aesthetically and sexually I have always been attracted to men in their early to mid-20’s.  Initially they were older than me, then we were the same age, and then I was older... but now I am ridiculously older (even more so when you consider older woman/younger man is still looked at oddly in our society to start with).  While I’m not sexually attracted to women, the same applies there aesthetics-wise.

 

So, what’s happened over time is that my friend range has kept up with my age but my attraction range has not.  I’ve now proven in multiple relationships that if my partner isn’t sexually and aesthetically attractive to me  initially it’s not something that grows on me over time... so it seems unwise to continue to test that particular theory.

 

Plus, the same applies to myself in that it’s been decades since I felt in any way attractive... which means other people feeling that way about me feels more lecherous/creepy and less flattering as time goes by.

 

I did address some of this over the years in therapy, especially as it related to my eating disorder history, but none of that work ultimately changed what attracted me to others sexually or aesthetically.

 

The whole “testing the theory is unwise” part seems especially true now that my libido has gone packing, meaning I’m not even craving sex at a physical level.

Edited by ryn2
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10 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I wasn't really referring to (supposedly) air-headed young models vs. intelligent middle-aged women, though. There are brilliant young women and dumb-as-a-brick older ones.

Very true.

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1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Reading through these forums it is quite common that many asexuals do not know that they are just that and go along with the flow, sexually that is.

I admire your trust but I am somewhat more cynical. For example, it jumps straight out at me that the issues begun after you had your third child. I maybe making a big assumption here but I would bet my mortgage that you had agreed there would be no more children! Then....she becomes asexual! 

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1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Yeah, why is it that all politicians are dumb as a brick then?

Well, here at least, they’re neither all old nor all young...

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20 minutes ago, James121 said:

I admire your trust but I am somewhat more cynical. For example, it jumps straight out at me that the issues begun after you had your third child. I maybe making a big assumption here but I would bet my mortgage that you had agreed there would be no more children! Then....she becomes asexual! 

That circles back around to the whole discussion of “if sexual compatibility is very important to you, you need to assess it carefully before committing and not commit while in the NRE phase.”

 

There are lots of reasons sex might die off, or not be the same

priority to both partners:

- your partner is primarily in the relationship for other reasons

- overall loss of interest in sex (medical, emotional, medication, aging, etc.)

- partner does not find you a good fit sexually

- life demands (career, children, homeownership, etc.)

- cultural preconceptions about relationships

- mismatched orientation

- etc.

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For some reason the option not to show edits is gone, so now it flags every time I fix a typo/extra return (which is every post as I am 100% a phone user)...

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37 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That circles back around to the whole discussion of “if sexual compatibility is very important to you, you need to assess it carefully before committing and not commit while in the NRE phase.”

 

There are lots of reasons sex might die off, or not be the same

priority to both partners:

- your partner is primarily in the relationship for other reasons

- overall loss of interest in sex (medical, emotional, medication, aging, etc.)

- partner does not find you a good fit sexually

- life demands (career, children, homeownership, etc.)

- cultural preconceptions about relationships

- mismatched orientation

- etc.

I actually can relate to this.  And I still don't know exactly what happened.  But in my last marriage I went through a large period of time (roughly 7 years) where I was completely uninterested in sex.  It started with me thinking that I just wasn't sexually experienced enough.  I had only been with one person before this.  It turned into guilt and then frustration.  I felt broken.  Towards the end of our marriage we started to explore my Bisexuality.  My husband just thought I was straight up gay.  (I'm not) But, adding women into the mix turned me right around.  And after a bit of that, I was much more comfortable with the two of us in general.  We did the open marriage thing for a few months.  This completely woke me up sexually and I was very happy in my marriage.  But my husband was not.  He became depressed.  I cut everything else out of my sex life and went back to monogomy.  And not the old pattern that we had, but one where I was very into our sex life.  But it was too late.  I tried to keep onto him for 2 more years.  But he wasn't able to recover.

 

Long story short, life is strange.

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14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They're not.

 

How many have you talked to directly, and seen actually sorting stuff out rather than performing for the cameras?

 

I figured I was missing some UK joke when I read the original post, because politicians aren’t all female, all young, OR all dumb...

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8 minutes ago, xstatic said:

I was completely uninterested in sex.  It started with me thinking that I just wasn't sexually experienced enough.  I had only been with one person before this.  It turned into guilt and then frustration.  I felt broken.  Towards the end of our marriage we started to explore my Bisexuality.  My husband just thought I was straight up gay.

This above does not sound like the below:

 

5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

you've had your sexual needs dismissed by someone for 7 years

The top sounds more like two people trying to work together through an upsetting issue.

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think it's more that if you've had your sexual needs dismissed by someone for 7 years, then they get back into sex by opening the relationship and sleeping with people of the same sex, it's going to be pretty hard to feel close to them again.

Oh I didn't dismiss his needs.  I tried my ass off.  It's just that he could tell.  Of course he could tell.  And to be fair, all of the exploratory stuff was his idea.  I wanted nothing to do with it.  But he kept pushing the idea.  So eventually I was like, fine.  Okay, let's do that then.  I think maybe he opened Pandora's box and suddenly he didn't like it anymore.  I think that he thought it would be fun for him.  But he was wrong.  

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2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

For some reason the option not to show edits is gone, so now it flags every time I fix a typo/extra return (which is every post as I am 100% a phone user)...

I would like to test it since I’m a 100% phone user as well and find myself making minor edits all the time.  👉🏻Anal retentive👈🏻 (As opposed to Tele’s more eloquent “pedantic antics”. 😬)

 

Yep, it’s as you state.  Officially, I loathe the change. How to give feedback?!?

Edited by Traveler40
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