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6 hours ago, uhtred said:

Don't give up. There really are quite a lot of people who actively enjoy pleasing someone and who would be very happy to do something that gives you pleasure even if it isn't traditional sex.  If there are a set of sexual things you can do for your partner (doesn't need to include penetration), you can probably find someone who would be a great partner. 

 

While "matching" is important, I think that if each wants to please the other, and enjoys doing so, there is usually a way. 

This next part will be TMI for sex repulsed people

 

For me, I love eating cum.. I can orgasm just from drinking a cup of cum haha. I love the idea of having my tits fucked, being masturbated over, and I orgasm from sucking cock. I also orgasm from anal penetration (both giving and receiving). And the things I can do and enjoy with women are even more extensive. I worship (sexually and in other ways) the body of a man or a woman who I am in love with, and get off sexually on that worship. And those things are just the tip of the iceberg.

 

End TMI

 

So it's not an issue of the activities I am capable of because I'm pretty sure there are a lot of men out there who would be into those things even without being able to give me vaginal penetration or oral, and many women who love to be worshipped sexually as well.

 

The incompatibility issue is that I need the other person to not need sex, and to be perfectly happy to go without it, and to have no expectation of having sex with me, ever. They can't see sex as something they deserve, or have a right to, because that induces immediate and permenant 'asexuality' (an asexual-like state) within me in relation to them. There is no way to turn me off faster than by giving me the impression you'd be unhappy without sex from me, and when that happens, I can't get the desire for you (general you, not you uhtred, lol) back. It's gone.

 

My 'requirements' therefore are very, very specific and apply only to a very small minority of the population. I need someone who isn't unhappy without sex but who actively desires and enjoys the types of sex I desire ONLY when I am aroused enough to want them. He (or she) must be capable of going for long periods of time without sex without even thinking about it, because that lack of reliance on sex induces a kind of hypersexuality in me that can make me want a LOT of sex, only as long as the other person desires it too (when I do) of course. And then of course there are all my other non-sexual boxes that need to be ticked. Because I need to be able to develop an emotional and friendship bond with that person before I can want any kind of sex with them. They need to be funny, kind, honest, hard working, intelligent.. etc. It's not just the sex. The sexual compatibility is only one part of it. (And again, I never would have known any of this if I hadn't found that one person who was able to awaken those things within me, which was the original point I was trying to make)

 

Ergo, it will be very, very difficult for me to find another sexually compatible partner in future. I did find one in my life (the one who made me realise I can desire sex) but like I said his family situation means he's not allowed to contact me anymore, let alone be with me.

 

But I'm not feeling as down as I was yesterday about it (I was just pissed off at being mockingly called 'so lucky' for something that took me years of agonising sexual pain and even more years of celibacy to be able to discover). I know if the right person is out there though then they'll eventually cross my path in a totally unexpected way and things will work out for the best :)

 

I just wanted to clarify that it's not necessarily the actions that are the issue, it's what I need in order to be able to want those actions that are the issue. Yes I'll never be able to enjoy 'normal' sex, but the bigger issue is that the conditions that spark my desire are so rare that it will be a miracle if I ever find another sexually compatible person in my life :P Fortunately I'm happy to go without sex, I just don't like mockingly being called 'lucky' and 'blessed' by a sexual male for something that cost me so much pain and suffering to discover. *sigh*

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28 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Have you guys gone to see a therapist? Seems like a mixture of some underlying issue and communication.

No.  Probably we should.  Its just so difficult to talk to her, and she will insist that there isn't a problem, while getting upset.    I sort of feel like its unlikely to change her behavior.  

 

Yes, I know....  (I have my own hang-ups as well.)

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26 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

This next part will be TMI for sex repulsed people

 

For me, I love eating cum.. I can orgasm just from drinking a cup of cum haha. I love the idea of having my tits fucked, being masturbated over, and I orgasm from sucking cock. I also orgasm from anal penetration (both giving and receiving). And the things I can do and enjoy with women are even more extensive. I worship (sexually and in other ways) the body of a man or a woman who I am in love with, and get off sexually on that worship. And those things are just the tip of the iceberg.

 

End TMI

 

So it's not an issue of the activities I am capable of because I'm pretty sure there are a lot of men out there who would be into those things even without being able to give me vaginal penetration or oral, and many women who love to be worshipped sexually as well.

 

The incompatibility issue is that I need the other person to not need sex, and to be perfectly happy to go without it, and to have no expectation of having sex with me, ever. They can't see sex as something they deserve, or have a right to, because that induces immediate and permenant 'asexuality' (an asexual-like state) within me in relation to them. There is no way to turn me off faster than by giving me the impression you'd be unhappy without sex from me, and when that happens, I can't get the desire for you (general you, not you uhtred, lol) back. It's gone.

 

My 'requirements' therefore are very, very specific and apply only to a very small minority of the population. I need someone who isn't unhappy without sex but who actively desires and enjoys the types of sex I desire ONLY when I am aroused enough to want them. He (or she) must be capable of going for long periods of time without sex without even thinking about it, because that lack of reliance on sex induces a kind of hypersexuality in me that can make me want a LOT of sex, only as long as the other person desires it too (when I do) of course. And then of course there are all my other non-sexual boxes that need to be ticked. Because I need to be able to develop an emotional and friendship bond with that person before I can want any kind of sex with them. They need to be funny, kind, honest, hard working, intelligent.. etc. It's not just the sex. The sexual compatibility is only one part of it. (And again, I never would have known any of this if I hadn't found that one person who was able to awaken those things within me, which was the original point I was trying to make)

 

Ergo, it will be very, very difficult for me to find another sexually compatible partner in future. I did find one in my life (the one who made me realise I can desire sex) but like I said his family situation means he's not allowed to contact me anymore, let alone be with me.

 

But I'm not feeling as down as I was yesterday about it (I was just pissed off at being mockingly called 'so lucky' for something that took me years of agonising sexual pain and even more years of celibacy to be able to discover). I know if the right person is out there though then they'll eventually cross my path in a totally unexpected way and things will work out for the best :)

 

I just wanted to clarify that it's not necessarily the actions that are the issue, it's what I need in order to be able to want those actions that are the issue. Yes I'll never be able to enjoy 'normal' sex, but the bigger issue is that the conditions that spark my desire are so rare that it will be a miracle if I ever find another sexually compatible person in my life :P Fortunately I'm happy to go without sex, I just don't like mockingly being called 'lucky' and 'blessed' by a sexual male for something that cost me so much pain and suffering to discover. *sigh*

As you say, your physical interests are fine with many people, and the intelligent, funny etc are all  things that you can find.   A person who likes the sort of sexual activities you enjoy is probably themselves quite active sexually - so someone like that is going to have a hard time not indicating that they want sex.  (which is a turn-off for you).   

 

Can you deal with someone who has a sexual outlet outside of your relationship?

 

Or, what about someone who is happy with a sexual D/S relationship where they are at your sexual beck and call but never allowed to ask themselves. Does it work if its roleplaying?  I could see the activities you enjoy being incorporated into that type of sexual relationship, and that sort of partner might not be that difficult to find.  

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Just now, uhtred said:

Can you deal with someone who has a sexual outlet outside of your relationship?

 

Oh absolutely not and that's the point, their need for sex to the extent they'd need to seek outside of the relationship for sexual release would kill any desire I could potentially feel for them.

 

I'm not some fucktoy they can use sometimes and go and get their needs met elsewhere when I can't 'put out' *shudder*, haha! I'd much rather be happily single and celibate like I am right now :P

 

That's the point of why my very specific desires mean I have a very small partner pool (probably less than 1% of the population). I'm not speaking of 'preferences' but of the requirements that have to be met for my body to be physically capable of desiring sex with someone AT ALL :o I am literally unable to desire sex with someone who needs it enough that they'd be unhappy without it, and that's why I thought I was asexual for so long. I'd just never been with someone who truly didn't need sex (but still loved it when he did have it) until I met the guy who made me realise I'm sexual. He is exactly like how I've been describing in that he could go his whole life happily without sex, but has extreme responsive desire to my desire. My desire makes him want sex with me, but only when I'm horny and wanting it. Otherwise he doesn't even think about sex :o

 

5 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Or, what about someone who is happy with a sexual D/S relationship where they are at your sexual beck and call but never allowed to ask themselves. Does it work if its roleplaying?  I could see the activities you enjoy being incorporated into that type of sexual relationship, and that sort of partner might not be that difficult to find.

I can't desire something by trying to force it as a 'fix' if that makes sense? I love dom/sub under some circumstances and me and the guy I keep talking about would often switch if we felt in the mood, but it's not something I could do as a means to try to control the sexual dynamics of the relationship. The sexual dynamics need to happen on their own, naturally (as in, my partner needs to naturally only experience responsive desire) or I lose my desire :o

 

Im not unhappy or sad about this, believe me. I'm just glad I know is all after so many years of not knowing. And I'd much rather just remain single and celibate forever than force myself into sexually incompatible relationships where we have to try to find 'fixes' so we can remain together, if that makes sense?

 

I'm very happy with total celibacy, even if it lasts the rest of my life. If the right person crosses my path again, great!! Or maybe the guy I'm referring to can get things back in order in his life and we could try again, who knows? I don't need fixes or solutions though (though I appreciate you trying to give suggestions!) I'm just not someone who will settle for 'fixes' because as soon as they're needed, I'll lose my desire anyway so it would be pointless trying, haha. I refuse to ever have sex I don't fully desire again. :)

 

But yeah, celibacy works for me. I love it. So there's no issue ^_^ (again, I was just pissed off at being called 'blessed' as a result of all this!)

 

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2 hours ago, Sally said:

"Any other excuse"?   No one needs an "excuse" to not enjoy sex, or anything else for that matter.  

Quite.  I would imagine that asexuals are bored during sex because to an asexual it's a pointless activity.

 

If I had been completely honest when asked what else I would like to try my answer would have been "there's a great new beer at the local pub!". Apologies for being flippant.

 

I used to be willing to try different things, but as an asexual it was difficult for me to imagine what that might be. Occasionally certain things would lead to a physical sensation but not reliably.

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Can't someone go to the therapist solo, to talk about what they might do regarding an SO that seems unwilling to communicate?

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2 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Can't someone go to the therapist solo, to talk about what they might do regarding an SO that seems unwilling to communicate?

*nods*

 

I was going to suggest that as well.  Along with the standard options for individual counseling and therapy, partners of reluctant-to-participate people can also see a couples/family counselor or therapist alone.

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Winged Whisperer
11 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Can't someone go to the therapist solo, to talk about what they might do regarding an SO that seems unwilling to communicate? 

They can actually do that yes, but it's not as efficient or effective as going together. A therapist can see where both sides are coming from rather than taking what one person says. I'll be honest, the early days when I used to go to the therapist with my girlfriend was for the therapist to act as a judge that my girlfriend would safely trust, because many times I knew what the issues were, but me saying it would come off as offensive or aggressive.

 

2 hours ago, Apostle said:

If you're talking about Uhtred and I then yes, there is a communication problem. I cannot speak for him but for me it is my SO who doesn't want to talk about it.

I would like to but hey, you can't force someone, can you?

Wait, what? You are Uhtred's wife? You both seem to be saying what you want on this forum.

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18 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

They can actually do that yes, but it's not as efficient or effective as going together. A therapist can see where both sides are coming from rather than taking what one person says. I'll be honest, the early days when I used to go to the therapist with my girlfriend was for the therapist to act as a judge that my girlfriend would safely trust, because many times I knew what the issues were, but me saying it would come off as offensive or aggressive.

Agreed, but if a partner won’t go it’s better than nothing.

 

Going together (and both willingly participating) > going together (where one is only going through the motions) > going alone > not going

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I suppose some of it depends on how broadly you’re willing to consider something “improving the situation.”

 

If leaving is not an option you are willing to entertain and your partner is not willing to participate in counseling or therapy then going alone and “stirring things up” for yourself with no outlet may not always be better than just living with what is.  It probably depends on how much (and what about) living with it bugs you.

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I suppose the broad goal of therapy is to work through some of the issues which are holding you back.  How that translates into affecting your life as a whole (do you quit your job or love it more?  do you feel more at peace in your relationship, or more inclined to end it?) is - as you said - less predictable.

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So question for you guys. My partner recently discovered they are ace, and since then I’ve been feeling less and less desire for sex and things of that sort. Has anyone else had an experience like that?

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@BoardingAsp yup. I think for me there was a combo of feeling guilt about consent & feeling too angry/vulnerable with the asymmetry.

 

I plowed through it because the alternatives seemed worse... for about two months I was forcing myself to have sex despite feeling upset about it. (At first I couldn't finish.) My partner helped me through that! Very funny, right? My therapist observed I was doing exposure therapy on myself...

 

I think we made this effort together because, for me love and sexuality are entangled so it's hard for me to feel love without wanting to reach out "in that way" (there's a lot of ways to accomplish it); failing to do that leaves me feeling distanced romantically, especially if I'm physically around my partner.

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10 hours ago, BoardingAsp said:

So question for you guys. My partner recently discovered they are ace, and since then I’ve been feeling less and less desire for sex and things of that sort. Has anyone else had an experience like that?

Yes, I think a lot of us.  Many feel that sex is a *shared* experience - and finding out it isn't shared makes it less meaningful.  Sadly since sex, romance and love are often tied together, the unfortunately obvious happens. 

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14 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Yes, I think a lot of us.  Many feel that sex is a *shared* experience - and finding out it isn't shared makes it less meaningful.  Sadly since sex, romance and love are often tied together, the unfortunately obvious happens. 

I'm sorry I'm not sure I know what you mean by "the unfortunately obvious"?  

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5 minutes ago, BoardingAsp said:

I'm sorry I'm not sure I know what you mean by "the unfortunately obvious"?  

I think @uhtred may be alluding to a risk of eventually falling out of love, as a consequence of no longer experiencing sexual intimacy. Perhaps, falling for someone else.

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36 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Well, not necessarily. It won't solve the problem, will it?

If the asexual partner doesn't see their relationship as a problem regarding sexual incompatibility then they may resent the fact that a third partner is interfering.

 

It can help you work through your own feelings, give you tips on ways to communicate more effectively, and help solidify next steps.

 

It doesn’t solve the sexual mismatch problem, no, but it can help with communication issues. Lack of effective communication is one of the differences often mentioned between mixed relationships that work reasonable well and those which don’t.

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22 minutes ago, Apostle said:

That's why WW you have seemed to misunderstood my post!

When WW said “have you guys seen a therapist,” they meant uhtred and his wife.  So, it seems you first misunderstood their post.

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Just now, Apostle said:

I didn't misunderstand the post at all. I read it as referring to us men.

Well, you did if they didn’t mean “us men”...

 

Agreed that there’s probably some local usage confusion involved, though, as in at least parts of the US we do (and have done for many years) use “guys” to address groups of two or more people regardless of gender.

 

We wouldn’t call a woman a guy individually (“my wife is the blond guy over by the ice cream”), but we often say “hey, what are you guys up to?” or “okay, guys, I know that was funny but can you keep the noise down?  Other people are trying to work,” to mixed groups (or to pets).

 

It’s mostly because there isn’t a comparable female equivalent, at least in US english.

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In the US, “ladies and gentlemen” (or just gentlemen, even if there are women in the group) is common in a business meeting.  So is “people” when speaking about groups (“you people” is considered aggressive).  “Boys and girls” is used for children and wouldn’t normally be used  in a formal business setting unless the group is misbehaving and the leader is intentionally patronizing them to call attention to their childish behavior.

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12 hours ago, BoardingAsp said:

I'm sorry I'm not sure I know what you mean by "the unfortunately obvious"?  

For many sexuals, if their sex life decreases, so does their feelings of romance and love.   It can cause a relationship to become a sort of dry roommate arrangement,  rather than a passionate loving one.   Some asexuals don't understand this and wonder "what is wrong - why does he / she seem so distant?"  

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3 minutes ago, uhtred said:

For many sexuals, if their sex life decreases, so does their feelings of romance and love.   It can cause a relationship to become a sort of dry roommate arrangement,  rather than a passionate loving one.   Some asexuals don't understand this and wonder "what is wrong - why does he / she seem so distant?"  

I wonder, too, if part of the impact of poor verbal communication on relationships is that other forms of communication (including sex) take on more importance because they need to fill that gap.

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8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You could say verbal communication is taking up the slack of poor sexual communication. 

I fear joking about my sexuality has somewhat taken the place of experiencing it. 😂

 

But humor is one way to lessen the sting of something.

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2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I wonder, too, if part of the impact of poor verbal communication on relationships is that other forms of communication (including sex) take on more importance because they need to fill that gap.

 

8 minutes ago, uhtred said:

For many sexuals, if their sex life decreases, so does their feelings of romance and love.   It can cause a relationship to become a sort of dry roommate arrangement,  rather than a passionate loving one.   Some asexuals don't understand this and wonder "what is wrong - why does he / she seem so distant?"  

I see what the two of you are saying.  As my partner has only recently found this out I haven't noticed any lack in feelings of love for her but I certainley hope that it doesn't go that route.  @ryn2 that's an interesting question.  What you said does seem to make sense but I'm not quite sure that sex fills a 'gap' as you said.  A lack of sex might be a gap if it was previously in a relationship but it might not be that way if it was never introduced.  But I'm not sure, either way I will definetley keep what you two have sadi in mind and thank you both for your insight.

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