Fellow Sexuals

[Rawrth]

1 hour ago, alibali said:

Perhaps the only difference is between sympathy and empathy.  One is looking at something from the outside in, the other from the inside out. One is about understanding in terms of tolerance and acceptance, the other is a deeper understanding and involves a sense of belonging and of understanding because of feeling similarly.

Okay.

[Mary Morrison]

Hi beenthere I have felt everything you talked about for nearly 30 years. My husband and I will celebrate out 29 th anniversary in a week. I did some research to try and figure out why he wasn't interested in sex and now we both know he is asexual. I have had a emotional breakdown over this for the last couple of days. The worst I've ever had and there have been many over the years. I'm sad and angry all the time. We have had counseling a few times but never followed through because of his job taking him out of town and because he didn't really want to go in the first place I think. He has blamed not wanting sex on me every time . I called his bluff every time and fixed his reasons for not wanting sex and still nothing. Councelor said his reasons were smoke screens. All this counceling was a long time ago. Until yesterday he would say I don't know why. Now he believes he is asexual. I showed him my research and we have talked about him being asexual . I am so sad , angry and feel there is no hope because now I know he can't change. I have stuck this marriage out way too long! I have been with him half my life. He is a good husband in every other way. We have a lot of water under the bridge that I'm trying to forgive. I don't know if I can. I'm just so hurt and angry sometimes I want to hurt him. We have talked about compromise and what he will and won't do but even when he has had some form of sex with me I don't feel he has any feeling behind it it's just mechanical. That is a turn off and I just get frustrated and don't want sex from him. I love him and I'm in a situation were I don't want to leave for several reasons . He is a good provider and try's to please me in all other areas of a relationship. He says he loves me and needs me. He is very kind. I have no other means of support either because I was in a serious car accident in 2003 and can't work a regular job. I was in the dental field. I have had two surgeries and go to pain management. Inspite of this I'm still very active with my injuries. I just ignore the pain and keep going until I can't ignore it any longer so my pain issues are not a issue when it comes to my duties as his wife. I don't know how this is all going to work out but I do love him I'm just sad on the verge of tears all the time and feel so empty and lonely. Anyway every thing you said you have felt I have felt also.

[Rawrth]

7 hours ago, Mary Morrison said:

Hi beenthere I have felt everything you talked about for nearly 30 years. My husband and I will celebrate out 29 th anniversary in a week. I did some research to try and figure out why he wasn't interested in sex and now we both know he is asexual. I have had a emotional breakdown over this for the last couple of days. The worst I've ever had and there have been many over the years. I'm sad and angry all the time. We have had counseling a few times but never followed through because of his job taking him out of town and because he didn't really want to go in the first place I think. He has blamed not wanting sex on me every time . I called his bluff every time and fixed his reasons for not wanting sex and still nothing. Councelor said his reasons were smoke screens. All this counceling was a long time ago. Until yesterday he would say I don't know why. Now he believes he is asexual. I showed him my research and we have talked about him being asexual . I am so sad , angry and feel there is no hope because now I know he can't change. I have stuck this marriage out way too long! I have been with him half my life. He is a good husband in every other way. We have a lot of water under the bridge that I'm trying to forgive. I don't know if I can. I'm just so hurt and angry sometimes I want to hurt him. We have talked about compromise and what he will and won't do but even when he has had some form of sex with me I don't feel he has any feeling behind it it's just mechanical. That is a turn off and I just get frustrated and don't want sex from him. I love him and I'm in a situation were I don't want to leave for several reasons . He is a good provider and try's to please me in all other areas of a relationship. He says he loves me and needs me. He is very kind. I have no other means of support either because I was in a serious car accident in 2003 and can't work a regular job. I was in the dental field. I have had two surgeries and go to pain management. Inspite of this I'm still very active with my injuries. I just ignore the pain and keep going until I can't ignore it any longer so my pain issues are not a issue when it comes to my duties as his wife. I don't know how this is all going to work out but I do love him I'm just sad on the verge of tears all the time and feel so empty and lonely. Anyway every thing you said you have felt I have felt also.

 

I'd like to give you advice if I can, but I have a few questions first.

When he blames you, what types of things does he say? Why does he blame you? 

Also, what exactly is making you sad and angry? Is it the sex itself you miss? The feeling of an orgasm? Or, is it that you don't get to have sex with him in particular? 

Are you frustrated with his mechanical sex because it isn't pleasurable enough, or is it because you feel hurt? 

 

Are you upset because you see sex as an act of love? Do you feel hurt because a part of you takes this as rejection and you fear, maybe even deep down inside, that he doesn't love you very much because he doesn't want to have sex with you? 

 

Reading your paragraph, it seems like this might be the issue. Please do correct me if I am wrong.

On the odd chance that I am right, I will say this:

 

Sex is  a very intimate thing - and when done with a partner, it can be one of the greatest expressions of love. When someone rejects sex, it can feel like they are rejecting your love. And it can be very hard to understand that rejecting sex is not the same as rejecting love. Your husband can still care about you without wanting to have sex with you. He can still be madly in love with you. He can still need you in his life. His heart can still beat for you, and he can experience all the same feelings you have for him. The only difference is that he doesn't see sex as the one big confirmation of love. He might have never even associated sex with love in the first place. To him, it's quite possible sex just means "orgasm" and nothing else - and he's not interested in that. 

[cupid69]

On 8/18/2017 at 12:40 AM, Rawrth said:

 

x

[alibali]

I can vouch for never associating sex with love or even intimacy...many years before I realised I was asexual. It was just something expected of me, whether in the short or long term. I thought it was an itch men had to scratch.

[Treesarepretty]

On 8/17/2017 at 8:49 AM, Mary Morrison said:

Hi beenthere I have felt everything you talked about for nearly 30 years. My husband and I will celebrate out 29 th anniversary in a week. I did some research to try and figure out why he wasn't interested in sex and now we both know he is asexual. I have had a emotional breakdown over this for the last couple of days. The worst I've ever had and there have been many over the years. I'm sad and angry all the time. We have had counseling a few times but never followed through because of his job taking him out of town and because he didn't really want to go in the first place I think. He has blamed not wanting sex on me every time . I called his bluff every time and fixed his reasons for not wanting sex and still nothing. Councelor said his reasons were smoke screens. All this counceling was a long time ago. Until yesterday he would say I don't know why. Now he believes he is asexual. I showed him my research and we have talked about him being asexual . I am so sad , angry and feel there is no hope because now I know he can't change. I have stuck this marriage out way too long! I have been with him half my life. He is a good husband in every other way. We have a lot of water under the bridge that I'm trying to forgive. I don't know if I can. I'm just so hurt and angry sometimes I want to hurt him. We have talked about compromise and what he will and won't do but even when he has had some form of sex with me I don't feel he has any feeling behind it it's just mechanical. That is a turn off and I just get frustrated and don't want sex from him. I love him and I'm in a situation were I don't want to leave for several reasons . He is a good provider and try's to please me in all other areas of a relationship. He says he loves me and needs me. He is very kind. I have no other means of support either because I was in a serious car accident in 2003 and can't work a regular job. I was in the dental field. I have had two surgeries and go to pain management. Inspite of this I'm still very active with my injuries. I just ignore the pain and keep going until I can't ignore it any longer so my pain issues are not a issue when it comes to my duties as his wife. I don't know how this is all going to work out but I do love him I'm just sad on the verge of tears all the time and feel so empty and lonely. Anyway every thing you said you have felt I have felt also.

Hi. Have some cake. . I can tell you that the emotional problems are not unique, and that I don't think that you are a selfish person for having them. Or if you are, then we are there together. His parctice of making you the culprit is also not unique, though I would encourage you to read the faq's because your information that sex is important to you may have turned him off to the whole idea the way it apparently did with my wife. 

 

I do not know what other issues you have had with your husband, but if they still bother you then they are not "water under the bridge." If they are important then they are important and need to be addressed, and if you don't address them then they won't go away. I would encourage you to focus, for the time being, on the fact that your husband is gratious enough to agree to compromises and to go to counselling. Not all spouses agree to those things, and if you can find some way around his "mechanical" lovemaking--such as turning lovemaking into a game for him, or having him come up with or reading poems or jokes or compliments to you, or in an extreme case getting a third party involved, or maybe even watching porn--then you may find a way to be happy with a husband that you seem to need and that isn't all bad. 

 

Your accident is tragic, and while I can't know exactly what you are going through, I can imagine what it must do to you from your description. If I were unable to work, I don't know if I would have the strength to go on. I know that my wife would deffinitely divorce me, though, so I will point out again that your husband does love you in some way. 

 

Whatever you do, I wish you the best. I think that everyone deserves to feel loved, at least a little. Have some more cake and I hope you feel better. 

[Jakesbuddy]

Hello all,  I am sexual and here because I believe my wife is a closet asexual or just so closed minded she has never looked into any reason for her total lack of desire.   This site is fantastic,  I am seeing things and understanding things I have not been able to figure out myself. 

[Treesarepretty]

13 hours ago, Jakesbuddy said:

Hello all,  I am sexual and here because I believe my wife is a closet asexual or just so closed minded she has never looked into any reason for her total lack of desire.   This site is fantastic,  I am seeing things and understanding things I have not been able to figure out myself. 

Welcome.

[cupid69]

On 8/18/2017 at 8:27 PM, alibali said:

 

x

[Jakesbuddy]

4 hours ago, Apostle said:

Yes, and you've hit the nail on the head here. For many sexuals, love and sex DO go together and that is why most asexuals do not seem to be capable of seeing this as being an important factor in a relationship. This issue will never be solved, not even with compromises, as the relationship then becomes one of bartering over the soul. There is nothing worse than having sex with an asexual as the sexual knows that the partner is only doing this under duress. It's not fair on either partner. Best to move on if you can.

Completely agree but the big thing is "IF YOU CAN" relationships develop families are made and people change or realize what they really are which can appear as change.  Then you have relationships and situations that are very difficult or impossible to move on from. Open communication is a necessity and compromise may be the only solution.  So people end up living in a bit misery.  But they should remember and count their blessings.  There are far worse situations to find yourself in than a compromised love life. 

[alibali]

1 hour ago, Jakesbuddy said:

Completely agree but the big thing is "IF YOU CAN" relationships develop families are made and people change or realize what they really are which can appear as change.  Then you have relationships and situations that are very difficult or impossible to move on from. Open communication is a necessity and compromise may be the only solution.  So people end up living in a bit misery.  But they should remember and count their blessings.  There are far worse situations to find yourself in than a compromised love life. 

Exactly, and I didn't realise till I was out of the relationship. When I did tell my ex I was asexual, he said well I could have told you that. Well no he cloaked it in terms that I didn't love him, or love him enough, or......and I should have realised. My lack of feelings about sex are what they are really, and I honestly believed for all that time that I was pretty similar to other women....you know never having experienced or felt what others do, hearing for years, the old jokes about men being allowed.... the old her indoors, mother in law jokes. How was I supposed to know. We did have an active sex life at the start and I did what I saw as necessary in a loving relationship, even if I didn't like it much, then children, illness, aging parents, work....it all blurs the edges....

[alibali]

I don't regret any of it. If I had known I was asexual in my twenties I wouldn't have had my daughters. My parents wouldn't have had grandchildren, and we are both OK people, so we are still amicable and still care about each other. It is what it is.

 

But I would not have another relationship. Might join a commune. 

[cupid69]

On 8/30/2017 at 4:36 PM, alibali said:

 

x

[alibali]

I don't know to be honest but there is no going back. Would he have met someone better?  How can anyone answer that? If either of us had known 24 years ago what we know now, would we have done anything differently? Probably yes.

[Jakesbuddy]

The past is the past the present is here.  Would I change things if I could go back?  probably, but what would become of my beautiful daughter? So I try not to think about what might of been.  Right now,  I finally know what my wife is or equivalent to.  I am thankful for that.  It's sad but at the same time it is liberating.  I now need to work on what I can do in the present so that the future will be better than the past 12 years of a sexless and miserable love life that I kept blaming myself and/or wife and getting pissed off for all the rejections and self doubt.  It was what it was and it can now be what my wife and I can make it be. 

[marco polo]

If I'd known when we first discussed going beyond dating that my partner was asexual and couldn't imagine making love (or having any sort of sexual experience) more than once a month, I would have said "that won't work for me" and we would have parted. A few years earlier, I'd exited a one-year relationship over whether or not to have children. There was no compromise to be had there, either path would have made one of us miserable. I look back on that as a good decision. Now I'm 13 years in and my partner came out as asexual three years ago. I love and adore her, and she me, and we've tried all kinds of things to make it work, and it's not working. She can offer nothing more than once every couple of weeks and anticipates being at zero in the next 15 years. The only option we haven't tried is opening the relationship (polyamory). Risky, yes, but in my mind a better option than calling it quits and separating and losing the best friend I've ever had. She's very resistant to the idea, believing that it will be impossible for me to go into a sexual relationship with another woman without getting involved, and ultimately leaving her anyway. She'd rather end it now than deal with the worry. We're both tremendously frustrated with and saddened by the situation, and can't decide. Any suggestions?

[nanogretchen4]

You could try to separate but remain friends. You could consider a more limited form of nonmonogamy in which you have occasional casual sex outside the relationship but no ongoing relationships with other women.

[marco polo]

Thank you, nanogretchen4, I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply. We've tried separation but couldn't stand being apart. I think the bond is strong enough that a casual sex arrangement might work. Our couples therapist suggested we read "The Ethical Slut," which she says is a good guidebook to polyamory. I've ordered it. And I will explore the possibilities of casual connections. Maybe I'll find a sexual woman in the same situation.

 

[Jakesbuddy]

Open marriage between an asexual and a sexual.  My thoughts are it wouldn't work.  The asexual would worry too much about losing their partner. Rightfully so because the sexual would probably get attached to a casual partner they hit it off with. Just my opinion.  It's crossed my mind many times.  My thoughts would be a good prostitute it's probably why they have been the longest professional job since the beginning of time. 

[TheSexualHusband]

On ‎2010‎/‎07‎/‎05 at 1:39 AM, PsychedX said:

On another note, is it so strange that ever since I've been visiting these forums that I've actually become less interested in sex? Is this some sort of phenomenon?

No, on both accounts. Not strange that your becomming less interested in sex. And no. I doubt that it is a phenomenon. 

[TheSexualHusband]

On ‎2017‎/‎09‎/‎11 at 7:07 PM, Jakesbuddy said:

Open marriage between an asexual and a sexual.

Technically there can be no "open" relationship in this scenario. At least not the type of open relationship that sexual partners conventionally contemplate who are living that kind of lifestyle. If one of the partners is asexual a "hallpass" is of zero interest to him or her. Any connection the asexual is likely to get intangled in would be a possible romantic one, if any at all. A romantic connection is in most all cases a red hearing in the lyfestyle. In fact, a very common ground rule in an open relationship is the parties trust each other not to get involved in a romantic connection. On the other hand I suspect that the traditional open relationship are based on mutual understanding and acceptance that sexual attraction can be seperated from a romantic connection. It is based on mutual understanding of the excitement that other people can bring to bedgames. This does not seem to be possible in a "mixed" relationship simply because if one partner, by defenition of his or her sexuality, can not appreciate the excitement or pleasure a new sexual partner brings to these kinds of games. In my opinion any discussion about an open relationship, or rather request for permission to play with other people by the sexula partner, in a mixed sexual/asexual relationship is the beginning of the end of that relationship.

[MrDane]

1 hour ago, TheSexualHusband said:

Technically there can be no "open" relationship in this scenario. At least not the type of open relationship that sexual partners conventionally contemplate who are living that kind of lifestyle. If one of the partners is asexual a "hallpass" is of zero interest to him or her. Any connection the asexual is likely to get intengled in would be a possible romantic one, if any at all. A romantic connection is in most all cases a red hearing in the lyfestyle. In fact, a very common ground rule in an open relationship is the partnies trust each other not to get involved in a romantic connection. On the other hand I suspect that the traditional open relationship are based on mutual understanding and acceptance that sexual attraction can be seperated from a romantic connection. It is based on mutual understanding of the excitement that another people can bring to bedgames. This does not seem to be possible in a "mixes" relationship simply because if one partner, by defenition of his or her sexuality, can not appreciate the excitement or pleasure a nex sexual partner brings to these kinds of games. In my opinion any discussion about an open relationship, or rather request for permission to play with other people by the sexula partner, in a mixed sexual/asexual relationship is the beginning of the end of that relationship.

I am not sure I could do it, but an "open relationship" is a social structure that will let the sexual have sex without involving the ace, but where the ace is somewhat aware or at least giving an ok. There are many risks: disease, pregnancy, falling in love, losing the love at home, jealousy, more wants more, disappointment, feeling miserabel about the agrement that were supposed to bring joy and happiness ...and what to tell the children?

[polywantsacracker]

I'm sexual.  I married a sexual partner 19 years ago.  We haven't had sex in 5 years.  She's been throwing around the term "asexual" for a while.

Personally I think it's hormones coupled with depression. I'm a bit resentful and angry.  I'm here out of curiosity.

[polywantsacracker]

On 9/11/2017 at 11:07 AM, Jakesbuddy said:

Open marriage between an asexual and a sexual.  My thoughts are it wouldn't work.  The asexual would worry too much about losing their partner. Rightfully so because the sexual would probably get attached to a casual partner they hit it off with. Just my opinion.  It's crossed my mind many times.  My thoughts would be a good prostitute it's probably why they have been the longest professional job since the beginning of time. 

Polyamory might be a better option. Most people equate "open marriage" with "swinging" which are 2 separate things in my opinion.  Good prostitutes can be kind of spendy, but I respect the profession.

[cupid69]

On 9/25/2017 at 6:31 AM, polywantsacracker said:

 

x

[polywantsacracker]

19 hours ago, Apostle said:

No sex in 5 years? You're lucky! 25+ years for me.

As they say though, 'sex is alright but there's nothing like the real thing' ha ha 

Dude....you should get the medal of honor for that! 

[cupid69]

On 9/26/2017 at 5:44 AM, polywantsacracker said:

 

x

[polywantsacracker]

13 hours ago, Apostle said:

Cheers mate. Unfortunately my body is now lopsided due to one sided excessive strain

I'm not proud of being celibate...........but I forsake my pleasures for my family. Bet Donald Trump would give me a medal for being a strong willed arse though.

[Jakesbuddy]

On 9/25/2017 at 1:31 AM, polywantsacracker said:

I'm sexual.  I married a sexual partner 19 years ago.  We haven't had sex in 5 years.  She's been throwing around the term "asexual" for a while.

Personally I think it's hormones coupled with depression. I'm a bit resentful and angry.  I'm here out of curiosity.

8 years no sex here,  my wife says nothing about being asexual but for all intents and purposes she sure does act like it. I feel for you. 

[cupid69]

On 9/28/2017 at 1:49 PM, Jakesbuddy said:

 

x