Asexuality and virginity

[The A Life Team]

The modern society seems to put extreme pressure on the question of virginity. Who are virgins and who are not? When does one lose their virginity? In the latest episode of A Life, we examine the question of virginity as it relates to asexuality.

Please do add your thoughts about the subject, but I urge you to listen to the show first. It will considerably clarify the poll and give tons of thought-provoking entertainment. You can find the show here:

http://alifepodcast.wordpress.com/

[Tyger Songbird]

I chose the second one. As I am a male, I hate that so many people like to make virginity such a bad thing for men. Whenever I tell someone that I am a virgin, it always seems like people are laughing at me or thinking I am suffering from latent homosexuality or something. Then they try to make me lose it or something. Some people want me to get drunk or something and get me to lose it or something. It just seems so silly to me. Then my family thinks that I am so good and pretty much pinch my cheeks or something. And I don't want to be praised for it either because I would still be very recognized. I would much rather be treated the same as others when it comes to my sex life. And just be accepted for it.

[Georgia]

I think the whole concept of virginity is useless. It is inherently a stage before you have sex, which has the implications that sex must eventually happen. People are often pressured to have sex, and to lose their magic virginity, even though very little changes. People seem to be aware that the actual virginity doesn't matter, as most people wouldn't want to simply have sex with a whore, but yet it is still celebrated when lost.

Virginity is an odd thing. Keeping your virginity until marriage is somehow noble, which would imply that losing your virginity pre-maritally is bad. But then why is it so common, even amongst the same people who find it noble to keep it? I think the current state is a broken mix between old religious tradition and new sexual openness. Unfortunately, it leaves absolutely no room for not having sex at all, culturally.

[Verp]

I chose the first one. Virginity used to be one of the things I used to be harassed about when I was younger. People who picked me at school were like "Hurrrr, you're going to die a virgin". It wasn't something that was said often compared to other ingenious attempts to make me mad, but it was there.

Nowadays, I don't have any reason to give a damn. Nobody gives me crap about being a virgin anymore. No pressure about losing it. It could be that even total strangers really are that nice and understanding, but I have another theory: it's because I'm ugly. When you're sufficiently ugly, people just don't wanna go there, y'know? They don't want to have a conversation about losing virginity with a person to whom you can't just say "You just need to go out there and grab someone". They don't want to get into a conversation about beauty tips and weight loss hints with a person they assume will lash out at them for hinting that they're ugly. That's the kind of vibe I sometimes get when I talk with people who aren't familiar with asexuality or simply don't know that I am one.

But really, even though it's awesome that I'm getting a free pass, I wish people didn't try to dance around the issue. I know I'm ugly by the majority's standards. I consider it a positive feature in me. When I joke about my looks, you're allowed to laugh. If you don't, then it seems like I'm not funny, and that's a greater grief to me than my looks.

[Syn]

I chose number two. I'm still in high school as of typing this, and yes, I'm used to the constant pressure to have sex. All of my friends do it, and none of them have ever encountered an asexual before, let alone someone who would rather stay single ("alone") and make meaningful relationships with people. I've had plenty of boyfriends and girlfriends who have pressured me to engage in sexual activity with them, and the very thought of it was disgusting. On the other hand, my parents praise me for "staying pure" even though it's not a matter of purity. What makes one who simply does not want sex more noble than one who chooses to?

So, yes, I'm curious as to why it matters. Why does sex matter at all? I don't want children and I find no pleasure in sexual activities, why do I care whether or not I'm a virgin? It's bothersome when people make such a big deal out of something that really means so little. It's just sex, and I'd rather enjoy my life without being asked "Are you a virgin?!" Although, I would agree that people ask because they think I'm ugly and therefore "untouchable." They want to tease me or something else absolutely childish in nature, and by asking, they hope to upset me. I would say that this emphasis on the importance of the question is quite bothersome, because the question is irrelevant. Why teach people to care about something that does not matter?

[KAGU143]

I think that any attempt to associate virginity with asexuality is a BAD BAD thing. Seriously!

The reason I feel this way is because it confuses the issue, and makes people think that asexuality is not so much a sexual orientation as it is a dislike for sex. It also helps to equate asexuality with behavior and not not with orientation.

That may seem like hair-splitting, but really, it isn't. Sexual orientation is about attraction, not revulsion. We don't say that a person is heterosexual because they are repulsed by the idea of having sex with their own gender. We say they are heterosexual because they are attracted to the opposite gender.

As for virginity ... to me it is neither here nor there. In an ideal world, ALL people would remain virgins until they settled with a lifetime partner. I'm not saying this from any sort of morality standpoint - just from the standpoint that it would completely eliminate all STDs within one generation.

I don't expect it to happen, of course. There is no such thing as an ideal world.

Choosing whether or not to have sex is a personal matter, and I think that a person's decision should be respected no matter which way they choose, but it really has nothing to do with asexuality.

-GB

[michaeld]

My virginity is of almost no importance to me. It just is. I want to remain a virgin forever, not because I like the label "virgin" but because I have no desire to ever have sex.

In some ways it would actually be easier to not be a virgin, because then I'd have an easy answer to the annoying "how can you know if you haven't tried it" question. But no way does this little inconvenience make it worth me going through the act.

[michaeld]

I think that any attempt to associate virginity with asexuality is a BAD BAD thing. Seriously!

I don't think anyone here is trying to associate them. The OP said they were interested in discussing the relationship between the two, but that isn't the same as associating them. (It could even be the answer to the OP's question is "there is no relationship at all between the two" though, imo, that would be an over-simplification.)

[The MoUsY spell-checker]

I think virginity is an irrelevancy as I don't intend to lose mine. I'm fortunate that the topic has never came up in discussion with my friends.

Now, time for picking on minor details in the podcast. I thought Henry VIII had 6 wives (not 8 or 9)?

As for the part about Chinese philosophers encouraging women to commit suicide when their chastity is threatened, at some point there was actually recognition from the government for doing so, and there was also a similar form of honour for widows who remained celibate after the husband's death. The former had to be abolished because too many women were killing themselves.

And while I'm at it, from episode 25, one of you said when women aren't turned on, the uterus doesn't move out of the way. Uhh, are you sure? Out of the way of what? Isn't the uterus quite deep inside the body?

(Yes, I pick on everything. It used to be mainly spelling, hence the name. Maybe I should've made it something along the lines of "Picky Mouse" instead. xD)

[Orion]

It bothers me that it bothers other people. It also bothers me that society assumes that asexuals must just be virgins who need to "get some." How about we give some, a little whoop-ass that is. I am a virgin but I am so because I just don't care. I am ace and totally aromantic which are my reasons, but why should it matter? Virgin or not, I still know myself and to be honest, my sexual status is not the public's concern. So there! :P *raspberry

[annwyl_cariad]

It bothers me that people think it's so important. I mean, for the record, I'm a virgin, but I'm starting to get to the age where people assume that you're not and don't bother with asking unless they somehow find out (at which point they probably assume I'm a religious nutcase, because for better or for worse I am probably attractive enough to easily lose my virginity if I choose to. I am religious, but I like to think I'm not a nutcase).

I guess historically, biologically, and anthropologically I understand why virginity has gained such an importance, but I don't understand why it's still viewed as such a marker for life experience. Yeah, I'm a virgin, and there I'm in the minority for my age. But how many people my age have been out of the country? Off of the continent? How many of them have walked 100 km in four days, or spent a month in the jungle, or hugged a gibbon, or whatever of the other things I've done? There are so many other life experiences that are more valuable to me than having sex. I'd rather put my focus on doing those things, tbh.

I explained it that way once to a guy on the internet who seemed baffled that I'd never had sex and didn't particularly care about that. I told him, well, I've also never been to Africa, or jumped out of a plane, or earned a PhD, or visited the Vatican. Those are all things that I want to do sometime in my life, experiences that I've never had. But society doesn't care about those, society only cares about whether there's ever been a penis in my vagina. It seems like such a silly and arbitrary life experience for others to care about. After I put it that way, he seemed to start to get it, haha.

[Guest FrozenCherry]

People have said mean things fo me because I am a virgin :(

I do not mind to be a virgin :D

[Hot_Air_Balloons]

I put: It bothers me that it bothers other people

I could never figure out why people are so down on people being virgins! It's a good thing to be true to yourself. I think society just wants everyone to be out there doing all this stuff. Look at the kind of morals they promote...not just with sex but with other things too.

Yeah I know I'm gonna get it from someone, but hey, I'm being true to myself and my Christian values.

[Guest]

.

[missvegeta]

It bothers me because none of my friends have ever mentioned it. However, I'm at that age where being should be doing that stuff. So I don't know what's normal! And I wish I knew. But I don't want to bring it up!!

[5_♦♣]

Whoa! This thread is from a year and a half ago! (Almost).

[Pandora's Fox]

It bothers me how it bothers others... and how society as a whole is so obsessed with it.

It also bothers me how people keep bringing up really old threads...

[JangoFett]

I chose the second one. As I am a male, I hate that so many people like to make virginity such a bad thing for men. Whenever I tell someone that I am a virgin, it always seems like people are laughing at me or thinking I am suffering from latent homosexuality or something. Then they try to make me lose it or something. Some people want me to get drunk or something and get me to lose it or something. It just seems so silly to me. Then my family thinks that I am so good and pretty much pinch my cheeks or something. And I don't want to be praised for it either because I would still be very recognized. I would much rather be treated the same as others when it comes to my sex life. And just be accepted for it.

This basically. I don't care, but I do care that other people think I'm somehow failing in life for not having sex.

[Lady Girl]

This poll is being locked and moved to the read only Census archive for it's respective year. As part of ongoing Census organization, and in an attempt to keep the demographics of the polls current with the active user base at the time, the polls will last for one year from now on. However, members are allowed and even encouraged to re-start new polls similar to the archived ones if they like them.

Lady Girl, Moderator