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I need advice!


Indigo

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I identify as a type C asexual. I have a great boyfriend. He's sweet, he shares many of the same interests that I have, and he's respectful of my a-ness. (We're both members of the Gay-Straight Alliance.) By all accounts, he is just right for me.

However, lately I've found myself irritated at him for no reason. His scent suddenly seems acrid. I keep thinking that he's doing something annoying, but I can never seem to pin down a specific action.

Sometimes I think it's because he quotes comic books too much, but that's something that my friends and I do all the time. Sometimes I think it's because he's too cocky, but again, it's probably no more than some of my other friends do. (Maybe some of the self-assurance will rub off on me, since I can be kind of self-depreciating sometimes. :lol: )

My life has been pretty stressful the last few weeks or so, and I haven't been able to talk to him about this yet, except to apologize for brushing him off so much. I've wondered if the stress has had anything to do with it, but that doesn't explain why my frustration would be aimed at him. He's been doing everything he can to make me feel better, even while I've

been constantly curt, distant, and on the move.

I have a main theory for what the problem may be, though.

Sometimes my social life "runs out of steam," by which I mean that I'll have streches of time where I want to be left alone, eat meals by myself, etc. (Even though I sometime worry about not being social enough and really enjoy spending time with my friends. )

Often, when someone makes a point of getting my attention everytime they see me, I start to find them somewhat draining, like they're attacking my spare time and energy. I'll even get to the point of trying to avoid them, even though they're just friends who want to say "hi." They're just being nice to me and making me feel accepted, but I somehow find them off-putting.

I think I don't have as much energy for "relationships" as other people do. Other, "normal" couples at my school are happy to see each other every day. Whenever they see each other, they have no problem with being the center of each other's attention.

But I've started to see my boyfriend as one of those "draining people." All he wants is my company, but for whatever reason, I feel like avoiding him.

I've noticed that I tend to get irritable for a while after any prolonged "togetherness moments," like snuggling.

It makes no sense. I have plenty of friends that I'm perfectly happy to see on a daily basis. I don't think you could find a better match for me than my boyfriend. I think he's hurt how I've been acting around him.

I'm starting to regress to my pre-AVEN insecurities: that I'm simply too unfeeling to really love someone (even though I'm really empathetic), and that I'm anti-social.

I don't take relationships lightly. I really want to keep this one, but I don't know what's wrong, or how to fix it. Please help?

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Some people have an emotional cycle that causes them to pull away for a while. Then, once they reach their solitude quota, they return. It's possible this is what's happening to you. Perhaps an emotional vacation is required.

Of course, it may be something else entirely.

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Vicious Trollop

I don't know if I can give you any helpful advice, but I can completely relate to what you're talking about. I felt almost the exact same way in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Things were going great until all of a sudden the thought of continuing to spend so much time together alternately frustrated, bored and angered me. Little things about him, which might once have been attractive to me, began to annoy me -- his laugh, his smell, the way he touched me. I felt like my reaction was irrational, but I couldn't help it, and I couldn't imagine it changing back to the way it was. He was taking up too much of my time, and I could no longer bear to be around him.

I don't know if your feelings are as extreme and sudden as mine were, or if you feel like it's over as clearly as I did. It's very possible your relationship is salvageable unlike mine, but I think the root causes of our feelings might be similar.

I know what you mean about running out of steam socially. I go through phases. I'm rarely ever enthusiastically social, but sometimes I want others' company, and two weeks later I want desperately to be alone.

It often seems like a lot of work to me to be social. In most social situations, and in that relationship by the end, I felt like I was just going through the motions. It's not a thing that comes naturally to me. So after a few months, his needs and his very presence were tiring to me. I need time alone to regenerate myself. I couldn't handle a long-term 24/7 relationship.

Just like you said, I don't seem to have the same energy for relationships as most people.

And like you, even though my ex was ostensibly perfect for me, and we'd never had any problems when we'd been 'just friends,' toward the end of our relationship everything about him made me irritable. I hated it, I wanted it to be different, but I knew I couldn't take such an intense relationship.

So I really don't have any helpful advice, but I was blown away by how exactly the same I felt when I was in a romantic relationship. I think you know deep down if you want the relationship to work or not. Though it broke my heart, I had no doubt that my relationship was over. But if your boyfriend means a lot to you and you think your feelings might be temporary, maybe you can work it out. Talk it over with him -- hopefully he will appreciate and understand your honesty.

Best of luck!!!

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Sounds more to me like typical relationship disillusionment. The fog of adoration has faded and you are left with the person that was not exaclty perfect, but convenient.

This is a very harsh interpretation on my part, obviously, and you DO have other factors to which this slump could be attributed. I would say that communication is crucial at this juncture. You need to convey to your fellow that you are having some trouble with the relationship and not to take your detachment personally, and to make him aware of your cyclic relationship problems; its only courteous and considerate to do so.

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Lauren, Virago, however you want to be addressed: I swear, we must have had identical relationships or something!

I felt like my reaction was irrational, but I couldn't help it, and I couldn't imagine it changing back to the way it was. He was taking up too much of my time, and I could no longer bear to be around him.

After a while of dating my one and only boyfriend, I, too, began to get tired of it. Began to try and avoid talking to him and seeing him, for reasons that I could not explain. I felt terrible about it, but I just could not stand the constant knowledge that I was dating him. Things he did that should have been sweet and what any girl wanted were suddenly just annoying. Time I spent with him suddenly became in my mind, time I could have been spending doing homework, or being with my other friends. I knew that this was not making a very good base for our relationship.

Indigo:

However, lately I've found myself irritated at him for no reason. His scent suddenly seems acrid. I keep thinking that he's doing something annoying, but I can never seem to pin down a specific action.

Either could I. There wasn't just one thing that bothered me, or even a few things. It was just the whole idea of him, and the whole idea of being in a relationship, that started to get at me.

Sorry that this isn't really helping. I ended up breaking up with him just over a month ago because I was just too confused with our relationship, with my life (back when I didn't know what asexuality was...not that my life makes perfect sense now, but it's a little better), and I knew that it was not fair to him to just drag him along with all of this.

If you really do care for him, though, I'd try to stick with it, Indigo. I know exactly what you mean by being a really empathetic person, but also too unfeeling to really love someone. I often question what's wrong with me in that regard.

And wow, I'm really not helping, am I?

Just basically responding to say that there is at least one other person who knows what you mean. Can't say I'm any less confused, though.

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I really don't know if this will help much...considering that I went through pretty much the same thing with my boyfriend. He is now my ex...

But I've started to see my boyfriend as one of those "draining people." All he wants is my company, but for whatever reason, I feel like avoiding him.

Same here. And then he'd get mad when I kicked him out of my room so I could do stuff like sleep. Or fold my laundry. Or do homework. He just didn't understand that I needed to be alone. Then there were the phone calls..."Where are you? Oh, a three minute walk away? Stay there, I'll come pick you up." (This at three PM in the afternoon., and I'm in a rural/suburban college.) Phone calls which would last for at least an hour, and I hate talking on the phone. It makes me twitch. Finally, last semester he started to assume that since we'd been going out for a year, there was something more involved and it was his right to get me outta me clothes and into his bed. (Uhhh...no. I don't think so.)

I don't take relationships lightly. I really want to keep this one, but I don't know what's wrong, or how to fix it. Please help?

As to what you could do...sit him down. Talk it out with him. Tell him what you've said here. It may go over well, it may not. Mine didn't--he didn't like the fact that I wasn't sexual enough for him (hadn't discovered this place yet, and so was blaming medications for a low sex drive), was mad at him for being so clingy, and had snapped at him over the summer while at a SCA event (hey...I was sick, stressed, and he was practically in my lap. Nonono!). I'm still mad at him...

And wow. Seems like quite a few people have gone through not-so-nice relationships here that stem from one member wanting to be alone and the other one not.

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The general consensus is that you should talk to him however difficult that may appear. Communication is, in my opinion, the single most important facet of any type of relationship.

Besides which, this is a common issue in relationships. I have been the boyfriend in this situation, and when my girlfriend began ignoring me I was firstly frustrated, and then devastated. Mainly because she just refused to communicate with me. I thought the fault was me, and was quite unhappy for... a while. But I'm over-sensitive.

If however you attempt to communicate with him and he is neither receptive nor understanding, he has it coming.

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Thank you to everyone who replied! We finally talked it out, and he seemed to understand. Now I just need to see if I can curb my inner hermit.

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Thank you to everyone who replied! We finally talked it out, and he seemed to understand. Now I just need to see if I can curb my inner hermit.

If you're an introvert, you need time to yourself to "recharge". If you don't get sufficient solo downtime, things start taking on unpleasant aspects. (Me, I like to joke that without my solitude on a regular basis, I'm liable to go psychotic. Thing is, I'm not entirely joking when I say that...)

Sounds like, to me, that you're just a normal introvert who hasn't been getting enough personal space. Which can be a problem if one is in a relationship with an extravert -- or with an introvert who does not realize they're introverted to start with and keep trying to force themselves (and their SO's) into social activities because they think there'd be something wrong with them if they don't...

My first girlfriend was very extraverted, quite the social butterfly. I broke things off when things got to the point that I was dreading our next get-together. Mind you, at the time she was complaining that I wasn't spending enough time with her, while I was thinking I was spending too much...

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Chameleonthing
I broke things off when things got to the point that I was dreading our next get-together. Mind you, at the time she was complaining that I wasn't spending enough time with her, while I was thinking I was spending too much...

Hear, hear.

"Look," says he, "when a couple is in a relationship, it should mean that they LIKE each other and enjoy each other's company, right?"

"Well... I don't SEE anything wrong with that logic... but I thought we were seeing each other just the right amount, if not too much..."

"We only see each other on the weekends. Sometimes not even then."

"Isn't that enough?"

"Well, no!"

"But... I need my alone time. A lot of it. I'm an introvert."

"Bullshit. There's no such thing as introverts and extroverts. They're just inaccurate labels to draw lines where there aren't any."

"..."

"If you don't want to see me, why are we going out?"

He didn't become actively ANNOYING until after we'd broken up. I tried to maintain a friendship, but he just ignored me. We'd be hanging out in a group of three, and he'd pretend I wasn't there. I actually asked a mutual friend if 'X' had gotten more annoying or if it was just me, and the friend replied that 'X' had always been annoying, in his opinion.. he suggested that we're more likely to overlook little irritations if we like a person as a whole.

::shrugs::

I've never quite understood how married couples pass that hurdle of "losing the adoration," as Pejoratist mentioned..

This is all very optimistic. ::rolls eyes:: Seriously, though, good luck to you, Indigo!

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I've never quite understood how married couples pass that hurdle of "losing the adoration," as Pejoratist mentioned..
I think they do... that's when "the honeymoon's over".

I used to think of myself as an introvert because I'm rather shy and quiet and plain and all that... but I've always preferred to lose myself in others' companionship, so I guess I can't really help much here. Sorry. :(

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I've never quite understood how married couples pass that hurdle of "losing the adoration,"

If you're still in the "adoration" phase, you shouldn't get married yet; this is why they say you should wait about 2 years to get married, because the infatuation is gone by then and you can make an objective decision.

I can't tell you how grateful I am that *I* never got that sort of feeling; I cringe to contemplate what sort of worthless twits I might have gotten involved with if I was capable of being swept away by instant attraction.

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I have that sort of personality...I can't stand people too long because they drain me so. The reason your boyfriend is more draining is because you see him more, and you have more emotion in the whole thing than you would with a friend (most likely). I have been in emotionally draining relationships with people who would never understand my need for solitude, and so, needless to say I am single and don't plan on being with anyone for a while. Ever since I got out of highschool, and onto university I've been able to get rid of most friend obligations, because I dont' have any at school, and quite frankly, I am happier than I've ever been. But I guess I could have only moved up from where I was... Still, some of us just need lots of space and not everyone can understand what this means. Of course, the communication thing, I guess it's hard for people to understand when i don't communicate >.<

I'm glad your boyfriend seems so understanding though. Just don't try too hard to "curb" yourself. Give yourself the space that you need or it can cause negative concequences!

Sounds like, to me, that you're just a normal introvert who hasn't been getting enough personal space. Which can be a problem if one is in a relationship with an extravert -- or with an introvert who does not realize they're introverted to start with and keep trying to force themselves (and their SO's) into social activities because they think there'd be something wrong with them if they don't...

My first girlfriend was very extraverted, quite the social butterfly. I broke things off when things got to the point that I was dreading our next get-together. Mind you, at the time she was complaining that I wasn't spending enough time with her, while I was thinking I was spending too much...

Me too! Except with my first boyfriend! And the fact that he was telling me we didn't spend enough time together and he was telling me I wasn't physical enough and I should be (nevermind him attempting to be less physical than he was...pfft) just pushed me away all the more. All the time he had been trying to "change" me and bring me out of my "shell"...oh man, oh man I hate that term. I don't have a bloody shell! And I don't need to be taken out of my nonexistant shell! Though...anyone who is willing is welcome to visit now and then. *sigh* but an extrovert just can't understand these things. *fit of frustration ends*

"Look," says he, "when a couple is in a relationship, it should mean that they LIKE each other and enjoy each other's company, right?"

"Well... I don't SEE anything wrong with that logic... but I thought we were seeing each other just the right amount, if not too much..."

"We only see each other on the weekends. Sometimes not even then."

"Isn't that enough?"

I so feel the same way! I feel like if I really care about a person, if I got to see him/her just once a month if there were factors in the way otherwise, I'd be so content with that! I thought it was about quality time, not quantity time! And since I like my space, all I want to do is give another person his/her space, I feel this is a sign of affection, but nobody believes me it seems.

"Bullshit. There's no such thing as introverts and extroverts. They're just inaccurate labels to draw lines where there aren't any."

This is just immature. I had a bf who said things like that, he always denied (and still does) everything I tried to explain about myself.

me: "I don't feel comfortable going out and meeting new people all the time, getting drunk or just listening to their horribly sexist conversation. I'm intimidated by people"

him: "I don't understand, how can you be intimidated by people?"

me: "I have social phobia, I can't cope in uncomfortable social situations, etc."

him: "You don't have social phobia, you just think you do"

me: "No, trust me, I really do, I know I do"

him: "No you don't, because I obviously know you better than you know you"

me: *pulls out gun*

erm...okay I may have made up that last bit...

But...gah! People don't even try to understand!

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I had a bf who said things like that, he always denied (and still does) everything I tried to explain about myself.

me: "I don't feel comfortable going out and meeting new people all the time, getting drunk or just listening to their horribly sexist conversation. I'm intimidated by people"

him: "I don't understand, how can you be intimidated by people?"

me: "I have social phobia, I can't cope in uncomfortable social situations, etc."

him: "You don't have social phobia, you just think you do"

me: "No, trust me, I really do, I know I do"

him: "No you don't, because I obviously know you better than you know you"

Woah. That's scary. That guy sounds exactly like a friend of mine. He's the kind of person that assumes that he is the ultimate by which humanity should be judged and if anybody is different to him it is his moral obligation to change them. Yeah. He's asctually a friend. Can you believe it?

But I totall agree with you. Even not being very intro- or extroverted, I can still tell the two exist!

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