SuperSinger Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 I'm asexual. BUT, I still find people attractive and want to have a girlfriend. I've been sortof dating this girl for 2 weeks now... well, today she called the whole thing off because while she thinks I'm a great guy and really fun to be around, she can't imagine a relationship with me because... SHE DOESN'T FIND ME ATTRACTIVE!!!!!!! GAH! This is why I'm asexual... looks mean everything to so many people! Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Wow. I can't believe she told you that. How shallow. I don't know what to say beyond that. People can be schmucks. *offers chocolate* Cate Link to post Share on other sites
wombat Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Huh. Silly sexuals. It's for the best. That's what sexuals do. They find partners based on looks and sexual whatevers....and don't care about who or what the person is. Maybe that's why every sexual goes through a whole host of people before finding mr or miss right. Relationships are based on PERSONALITIES. well...and trust, honesty and respect. But.... BAH! Her loss, you know? People don't really start off relationships as they should. You should always progress through the levels of friendship...instead of starting off as an item. It's a matter of perspective, really. Asexuals have an advantage cause they fall in love with the PERSON....but also a disadvantage cause...well..they are asexual. Double edged sword, as always. I find that questioning my own motives helps me alot. Why do you want to get married and have kids? Always good to know that. Know thyself. Not saying that it's wrong, we're in the same boat (as much as i can tell). I'm rambling...and i don't have a point...so i'll stop. BUT! Good luck. My advice would be to look at life with a sence of purpose...i guess. BAH! ANYWAY. Good luck! Try hooking up with some asexuals. somehow... Link to post Share on other sites
cait Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Wow. I can't believe she told you that.How shallow. I don't know what to say beyond that. People can be schmucks. *offers chocolate* Cate I actually don't find it shallow. I mean, she could have used the words "I am not attracted to you" rather than "you are not attractive", but the former is not shallow, it can't be helped. If you're not attracted to someone, you're not attracted to someone, that's that. No person in the world is attractive on their own account, attraction is all relative to the person judging...so there is no such thing as an attractive person when it comes down to it. Link to post Share on other sites
PearBeBeautiful Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Silly sexuals. They find partners based on looks and sexual whatevers....and don't care about who or what the person is... Relationships are based on PERSONALITIES. well...and trust, honesty and respect...People don't really start off relationships as they should. You should always progress through the levels of friendship...instead of starting off as an item. It's a matter of perspective, really. Asexuals have an advantage cause they fall in love with the PERSON.... I agree with Wombat, it's her loss. It's sad that anybody bases a relationship on physical appearance/attaction... one day, it'll all fade away. Looks don't last--true love does. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Squick Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 I guess she didn't really love you. :( I remember wondering how I felt about this guy, but every time I thought about a thing with him, I thought about his age and his looks. And I thought, if I really liked him or loved him, those things wouldn't bother me. So I must not have feelings for him. So it's no real loss then if she didn't really love you, if you follow. It's a fact of life that looks matter. As we've all heard a million times, no one says, "Wow, look at the brains on that guy!" when they see him from across the room. But once you get to know someone, then you can see past it. I agree, friendship to start. With three of my four boyfriends, it started with, "Want to go out with me?" and bam, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Even though I didn't really know them. That's just messed up. Link to post Share on other sites
Rabger Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 How shallow. I don't know what to say beyond that. People can be schmucks.*offers chocolate* Cate I know a lot of schmucks and looks-based people. Yup, they're really annoying. Can I have some chocolate too? Please? Link to post Share on other sites
SuperSinger Posted October 31, 2004 Author Share Posted October 31, 2004 I mean, she could have used the words "I am not attracted to you" rather than "you are not attractive", but the former is not shallow, it can't be helped. actually... that IS what she said on the phone... "I'm not attracted to you"... Link to post Share on other sites
SuperSinger Posted October 31, 2004 Author Share Posted October 31, 2004 I guess she didn't really love you. :( well... of course not.... if she "loved" me after only 2 weeks... I'd be kinda scared! I have only "loved" ONE person in my life... and that took YEARS of bestfriendship to build that up.... Link to post Share on other sites
SuperSinger Posted October 31, 2004 Author Share Posted October 31, 2004 Huh.Silly sexuals. It's for the best. That's what sexuals do. They find partners based on looks and sexual whatevers....and don't care about who or what the person is. Maybe that's why every sexual goes through a whole host of people before finding mr or miss right. Relationships are based on PERSONALITIES. well...and trust, honesty and respect. But.... thing is... she's not a "sexual" yet. She's still a virgin, and she infact told me that she doesn't even want to think about sex. This leads me to believe that on some level she is asexual... I actually mentioned this and told her about asexuality, and while she seems to believe that fits her, she is so caught up in society that she thinks that such a thing is "weird" and that we asexuals (including herself) just haven't "found the right person yet"... Link to post Share on other sites
Zorya Vechernyaya Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 actually... that IS what she said on the phone... "I'm not attracted to you"... Would you rather that she string you along out of a sense of guilt? Of course not. But now she was honest, you've put the worst construction on her words like any typical male. Sexual attraction has very little to do with looks, and attraction (as in the sense of partner compatibility) is based on a lot more than sexual attraction. Would you be able to form a relationship with just anyone off the street? For whatever reason, you didn't strike her as appealing. That doesn't have anything to do with looks or sex, it's just a matter of chemistry and can't really be helped. Edit: I sound like an asshole. I don't mean to - your situation must sting awfully. and you've got my sympathies. But I think those judging her so harshly are wrong. She was up-front and didn't play games out of guilt or meanness, which is very rare these days. Link to post Share on other sites
pejoratist Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Wow. I can't believe she told you that.How shallow. I don't know what to say beyond that. People can be schmucks. *offers chocolate* Cate I can believe it. It's terrible, but it is better that she did this rather than lead you on or use you, only to fufil her needs for an attractive partner elsewhere. Attraction is a big element to most relationships, whether you agree with it or not. But if you do not find attraction terribly important, then it should not be impossible to find another person that doesn't overemphasize outward appearance either. Link to post Share on other sites
cait Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 actually... that IS what she said on the phone... "I'm not attracted to you"... Would you rather that she string you along out of a sense of guilt? Of course not. But now she was honest, you've put the worst construction on her words like any typical male. Sexual attraction has very little to do with looks, and attraction (as in the sense of partner compatibility) is based on a lot more than sexual attraction. Would you be able to form a relationship with just anyone off the street? For whatever reason, you didn't strike her as appealing. That doesn't have anything to do with looks or sex, it's just a matter of chemistry and can't really be helped. Edit: I sound like an asshole. I don't mean to - your situation must sting awfully. and you've got my sympathies. But I think those judging her so harshly are wrong. She was up-front and didn't play games out of guilt or meanness, which is very rare these days. I personally have been in the shoes of dating someone when I'm not attracted to them, or kind maybe leading certain individuals on. The thing is, it's not intentional! And I'm jealous that she had the guts to say what she felt when she realized she wasn't attracted to him! If this happens, this happens, the person can't help what they feel! Trust me, I've tried so hard to curb my feelings to please others, it simply doesn't work, it just makes me a very bad person, when I'm trying to do good for others. And, I feel like an asshole for saying this too, but if it was a two-week thing, that's....nothing....nothing at all. It may be a blow to the ego at most...maybe self confidence, but it shouldn't really be. Once you get in a really serious relationship, and believe that you are in love, anything less hardly gives rise to getting hurt at all.... Link to post Share on other sites
A-Ole Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Why does everyone think you "have to" be friends with someone first in order to have a lasting love relationship? This is a RECENT concept, not the traditional pattern of mating behavior, and is far from being embraced in all cultures to this day; throughout human history, including the current moment, countless people have had lifelong, happy relationships with people they were NOT friends with first, or at all, and even with people they'd never met before they married them... yes, believe it or not, most arranged marriages work out beautifully. What you DO need to do to assure a good, lasting relationship is keep your pants zipped up until you know the propspective partner well enough to judge if they're a good person, and if they're compatible with you; if you can't manage this, then it's pure luck as to whether the person you've chosen ends up being LTR material. If you WANT your partner to also be your friend, that's your choice to make... just keep in mind that this eliminates from your list of romantic possibilities people who would be great as potential partners but who don't provide your preferred sort of friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
cait Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Why does everyone think you "have to" be friends with someone first in order to have a lasting love relationship? This is a RECENT concept, not the traditional pattern of mating behavior, and is far from being embraced in all cultures to this day; throughout human history, including the current moment, countless people have had lifelong, happy relationships with people they were NOT friends with first, or at all, and even with people they'd never met before they married them... yes, believe it or not, most arranged marriages work out beautifully.What you DO need to do to assure a good, lasting relationship is keep your pants zipped up until you know the propspective partner well enough to judge if they're a good person, and if they're compatible with you; if you can't manage this, then it's pure luck as to whether the person you've chosen ends up being LTR material. If you WANT your partner to also be your friend, that's your choice to make... just keep in mind that this eliminates from your list of romantic possibilities people who would be great as potential partners but who don't provide your preferred sort of friendship. I honestly rarely meet a person who wants to base a relationship on friendship. In fact, my view is that everyone bases them on sex these days. Why did you decide that everyone thinks you have to be friends first? Honestly, it pisses me off that nobody cares about friendship, this is important to me because I don't give a damn about sex. Just because someone is attracted to someone more than just physically, does not mean they are wanting to make friends with a person. But honestly, why would anyone NOT want a partner who is a friend? *shrug* Most people DON'T. Link to post Share on other sites
A-Ole Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Why did you decide that everyone thinks you have to be friends first? I didn't "decide" that, I'm merely commenting on, not just what is posted here in this very thread, but what I've heard countless times from people, in magazines, in books, on every TV show and movie that touches on the topic, and from all the famous shrinks. I can't remember the last time I heard anyone take a stand that you do NOT have to be friends, or SHOULD not be friends, first, or at all, in a romantic relationship... can you? But honestly, why would anyone NOT want a partner who is a friend? *shrug* Because a friend is a VERY different thing from a romantic partner, and some of the qualities that make for a good friend may make for a bad romantic partner, and vice versa, depending on how you view the ideals of friendship and romantic relationships. For ME, it's simply not possible for any person to qualify as both a friend and a romantic partner, and my separation of these 2 things is part of why I've been able to have a successful marriage... because my husband is NOT my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 I didn't "decide" that, I'm merely commenting on, not just what is posted here in this very thread, but what I've heard countless times from people, in magazines, in books, on every TV show and movie that touches on the topic, and from all the famous shrinks. I can't remember the last time I heard anyone take a stand that you do NOT have to be friends, or SHOULD not be friends, first, or at all, in a romantic relationship... can you? Nope. That's really interesting. I suppose it comes down to personal preference. While you make interesting points, it seems logical to me that if you're going to be intimately involved with someone you'd want that person to be a friend. What sort of qualities would you want in a partner that you wouldn't want in a friend? I'm not picking on you--it's just as you said: I've never heard anyone say you don't have to be friends with someone you're involved with to that level. So now I'm curious. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
cait Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 I didn't "decide" that, I'm merely commenting on, not just what is posted here in this very thread, but what I've heard countless times from people, in magazines, in books, on every TV show and movie that touches on the topic, and from all the famous shrinks. I can't remember the last time I heard anyone take a stand that you do NOT have to be friends, or SHOULD not be friends, first, or at all, in a romantic relationship... can you? Yes, yes I can, that was the point of part of my reply. Most of the people around me have based their relationships on sex or...no...that's about it..just sex. Some of them have lasted a long time and worked out well. My experience with romantic relationships has been that it took a long time before the person admitted to wanting to be my friend...this saddened me much. My first boyfriend didn't even concider me a friend (at least not for a long time, and he later denied this claim), and it made me feel horrible. So basically, I was under the impression that nobody gives a crap about friendship anymore. Because a friend is a VERY different thing from a romantic partner, and some of the qualities that make for a good friend may make for a bad romantic partner, and vice versa, depending on how you view the ideals of friendship and romantic relationships. For ME, it's simply not possible for any person to qualify as both a friend and a romantic partner, and my separation of these 2 things is part of why I've been able to have a successful marriage... because my husand is NOT my friend. I guess I am not quite following. I don't know what you concider friendship, or what most people do. I have "friends" that are more like aquaintances, but if it came down to it, I would probably say I don't really have any friends at all. I don't have anyone I can share intimate thoughts with, and because I am a very intellectual (and not sexual person) I would want a relationship based on an intimate friendship. Why shouldn't I want someone I can count on and turn to for help or joke around with, and all the things I like doing? So when you say you don't want friendship in romance, what exactly do you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
A-Ole Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 What sort of qualities would you want in a partner that you wouldn't want in a friend? Here's an example: I'd expect a partner to be willing to take a certain amount of shit from me, however evil my mood, as I would from him, as that's necessary for an intimate partnership to work; I would NOT take any such shit from a friend, however, and if a wanna-be friend was willing to take that sort of shit from me, that would mean they had no grasp of boundaries and/or no self-respect, and thus would not qualify to be my friend... I'm only friends with people who are capable of true and healthy friendship (as *I* see it, of course). Link to post Share on other sites
A-Ole Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Most of the people around me have based their relationships on sex or...no...that's about it..just sex I believe you... but that doesn't change what the majority of people are saying and doing these days in American culture (which is the only one I can comment on from experience). My first boyfriend didn't even concider me a friend (at least not for a long time, and he later denied this claim), and it made me feel horrible. So basically, I was under the impression that nobody gives a crap about friendship anymore. I'm sorry you had that bad experience; rest assured, the idea of being friends, even BEST friends, with your lover is in vogue these days, and you can find a man who WILL see you as a friend if that's what you'd prefer. I don't know what you concider friendship, or what most people do. Each person seems to have their own personal definition of friendship; all each of us can really go by is our own. Why shouldn't I want someone I can count on and turn to for help or joke around with, and all the things I like doing? There's no reason whatsoever that you shouldn't want whatever it is that will make you happy... or that *I* should have to want what YOU want. So when you say you don't want friendship in romance, what exactly do you mean? I mean exactly that; I do NOT want a romantic partner who has the qualities and behaviors that I define as friendship qualities and behaviors... I want a romantic partner with the VERY different qualities and behaviors that I define as being proper from a romantic partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Here's an example: I'd expect a partner to be willing to take a certain amount of shit from me, however evil my mood, as I would from him, as that's necessary for an intimate partnership to work; I would NOT take any such shit from a friend... Huh. I don't take shit from anybody. Probably why I don't bother having friends or relationships. :D Seriously though, you're right about everyone defining 'friendship' differently. I tend to think the best friends stick with you no matter what, while romantic relationships come and go. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
cait Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 rest assured, the idea of being friends, even BEST friends, with your lover is in vogue these days, and you can find a man who WILL see you as a friend if that's what you'd prefer. I will never truly believe this until I see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cupcake Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 I will never truly believe this until I see it. AMEN. Link to post Share on other sites
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