How social are you?

[Justin Sane]

This has probably been touched on before, but anyway......

I'd be interested to know how social (or not) you are? I ask because over the years I've come to realise I am not socially inclined, and a major cause of this for me is that I can't identify with 99% of the population.

My previous thread was about listening to sexual conversations incessantly at work, so this ties in. Where I am currently working my co-workers daily favourite subject seems to be all things sexual. And this automatically "switches me off". I am literally excluded, probably because they can sense I am not interested, and because I "move away".

And this is *such* a recurring story. If you don't identify with your co-workers interests, then you are excluded. And it can affect your work generally... for example, if a colleague realises he can't chat about his favourite subject with you all day (guess which subject), then he may decide to work with and train someone else i.e. someone with the same interests. It's surprised me just how important the issue of sex is in day to day encounters. With so many other issues available, why does this play such a high profile role? It seems if you don't fit in sexually, you don't fit in period.

Call it an awakening, but I now realise I need to work alone really. I've given up hope of finding co-workers who I identify with and therefore feel comfortable with. I'm tired of stressing over xmas gatherings for example, where partners may be expected to come along.

I'd go as far to say I am thinking of a complete career change. There must be reasonably paid jobs out there that require lone work, right? I just need to find them. Any suggestions? :shock:

Anyway, I'm just curious to know how social you guys are? Is it just me, or do you find it hard getting along with people you have so little in common with?

rsvp

[CrazyCanuck]

I'd have to say I'm anti-social. I find it very difficult, if not completely impossible making small talk with people I have little or nothing in common with. Those work outings like Xmas parties where everyone is expected to bring a "guest" - how awkward is that?! I try to go to the occasional work social event for the sake of maintaining good relations with my colleagues but I don't get all that much enjoyment out of it.

That said, I do have a small group of good friends and it's great fun to hang out with them or go out for a night on the town with them. I just don't want to do it terribly often.

[Justin Sane]

I find it very difficult, if not completely impossible making small talk with people I have little or nothing in common with

Yes it's very hard. And subconsiously both parties know it's forced small talk, so there's an underlying unease sometimes.

The anti-social immediately made a majority so far in the poll. I'm surprised at how fast that happened, but I also feel a relief in that it's not just me.

[Cate Perfect]

I chose anti-social.

I used to despise all of humankind. Now I'm indifferent to them, as long as they leave me alone. I prefer to spend my free time by myself. I do like chatting to people online to a certain degree, but if I had to spend that time talking to someone in person I'd go crazy.

Cate

[Oz]

Anti-social. I wonder whether my asexuality led to my anti-socail feelings or being anti-social led to my asexuality.

[Justin Sane]

I used to despise all of humankind.

Yes same here. And like you now I just leave 'em to it.

I wonder whether my asexuality led to my anti-social feelings or being anti-social led to my asexuality.

Good question. My first reaction is to say my apparent asexuality led to anti-social behaviour because I didn't fit in. But actually it may be possible that being generally anti-social and apathetic towards other people also caused a lack of real sexual attraction. This would mean my asexuality would be "total" i.e. no romantic interest.

But since I do have romantic interest, I'm inclined to say it's the asexuality that caused anti-social behaviour. Also I recall in school before my teens I was social enough. And yet during my teens when puberty hit myself and my peers, that's where the trouble started. I became withdrawn and insular.

Interesting........

[Shockwave]

I had to put fairly social because...well, it's true. I have friends and I like people most of the time. However, I do value my privacy and solitude when I'm in the mood for it.

[Tanasha]

Also anti-social. Always have been, probally always will.

I think mine has in part to do with also being a little autistic. People generally are so loud and annoying, and that scares me.

[wombat]

I'm fairly social. I'm fairly well known at my college. So...eh. Not to mention it helps being ENFP....(that's a myers brigg thing). And 90% of the famous ENFP's are actors or commedians.

FUN!

But i'm far short of Ger...oh heck, that G one.

[cait]

There are a couple words in this poll I do not recognize. I do, however, know what anti-social means, and that is the same definition as a sociopath...someone who seems to have no morals. So, I would definitely scratch that one off my list, because I have a terribly strong conscience in this head of mine.

I don't hate people, but I have a difficult time expressing myself, and it is difficult for me to read people and know where I stand in their views (and I am highly self conscious). So I concider myself avoidant. The thing is that I am terribly social around my friends, I talk about stupid stuff, and talk a lot and laugh and stuff! It's just that I am a very cautious individual, and don't trust anyone until I've known them for a good amount of time, and know them well. The problem is, that I do tend to trust people too much when I feel the time is right and then I blind myself from who they might actually be, or what they might actually be doing. I avoid people because A) I can't really approach or talk to strangers and B) I don't enjoy the concequences of making friends and aquantances for the most part. People are really cruel to one another and it is a big strain on my life, having to go through gossip and shit like that...I just hate it, I want to be away from it. And I am terrible with confrontation, so it's best for me to stay away from potential uncomfortable situations.

I'm also very weird, and it's hard for me to find people who are sensitive to this fact and are cool with it. And I didn't mention the potential depression that arises from socializing.

So all in all, F*CK socializing.

[VivreEstEsperer]

Yay for anti-social people!

Well, I wouldn't use the label of anti-social for myself, but the idea still stands. Not good socially, shall we put it instead. Although in high school I had these two friends and we would sit outside in the hall by the lunchroom, next to the snack machine, during lunch and we would call it our "antisocial lunch corner." Is it still antisocial if you're participating in social behavior with someone? ha.

I sympathize with you - that is such a good analysis of how being asexual affects our lives. Because once you start to tune out of conversations around you because you can't relate, then you do become completely excluded; i don't believe, at least in my experience, that it happens intentionally, with a whole lot of thought on either party, but both people kind of realize they can't relate to each other and drift away....but the difference is THEY have plenty of other people they can relate to , while you / we whatever are faced with a definite shortage...

it does seem that if you can't relate to people in terms of the common experience of being sexually attracted, then there is a big hole that is hard to fill, even though that shouldn't be...

like the other day for ex i saw some girls in my hall all dressed up, and i went over and said hello to them and said "oh, you're dressed up" and they were like, yeah, well, its friday, we want to look good, whatever.... and i was like "oh, thats nice" but its just like, i would never dress up for anything, for any reason, cus i dont care about attracting people or looking sexy or meeting boys or any of that, and even that little interaction just reinforced my sense of difference and my sense of "i wish i could know what it felt like to actually want to look sexy and dress up" or "i wish i could have that in common with them" and i dont even know why i want that...i only want it because everyone else has it...i dont even know if it'd be worth it...be of any value at all....but it makes you feel so left out/alienated/lonely when you don't .... so many things related to sexuality that other people take for granted as part of their lived experience and that are not part of your lived experience, and it's like two different worlds, and so hard to connect with people over the schism between the two.

I try to be social cus I want connections with people. it's just i feel like it ends up failing about 90% of the time. somehow, i still keep trying nevertheless. why, i've never been exactly sure...

Kate

[cait]

Someday, I am going to write an entire book on the improper use of the word "anti-social".

*sigh*

[Squick]

LOL, yes...Antisocial personality disorder...way different. I use the word "unsocial" for what we're referring to here.

I'm really social online. I have quite a few online friends and a really active online life. Offline...I can chat with coworkers, joke around. I had four coworker friends for a year until problems with one happened and another moved away, so it's not what it used to be. Other than them, I have no real-life friends. Really sad. But I can't go out and meet people. So...I'm stuck. I like having friends--one or two or something. But I can't seem to meet people. If it weren't for work, my only real-life conversations would be with my parents (my mother in particular), and I only see them every couple months. I actually went for an entire year, seriously, only very occasionally visiting my parents and having extremely rare phone calls or visits from my boyfriend, who was in the Army. For a year. And it didn't bother me.

[Metaleaf dan Blorie]

I just think that the most important friend you can have is yourself. Everyone else is extra.

[Islander9]

I'm fairly social - which, in my terms, means - for 80% of my life I dont see or talk to anyone.

I am always available to talk and be with family and close friends.

Very occaisionally, I may have to talk with media (my choice.)

I really loathe talking to strangers (which is why I have rude & offputting notices on my gate.)

Now, I'm not sure how much this has to do with being an asexual. I think it is a matter of being naturally a private person.

I like parties. *Small*conversation & music & food & wine rich parties. Bugger all else.

Cheers, kia ora - Islander9

[wombat]

WHAT!?

Did someone say WINE?! :D

Ah...new zealand....*melts*

In about 4 years, I'm comin down to kiwi land and gonna help make some seriously good NZ wine. Ah....wine...ah...new zealand....ah....ah?

AH! Anyway...sorry for interupting...just...WINE!

[Fayetje]

Fairly social,but introverted. So I'm shy and uber awkward with people I don't know or who don't interest me,but with friends I'm laughin' it up,crackin' jokes left and right. Sometimes other people are astonihed by how loud and silly I am when they see me with friends. Quite the social chameleon,I guess.

[98slbrookes98]

I lie mid way between gregarious and fairly social.

[Nugan]

LOL, yes...Antisocial personality disorder...way different. I use the word "unsocial" for what we're referring to here.

Yeah, I didn't want to pick that choice, because, after so many Pysch courses all it implied in my head was having a complete lack of a moral compass.

Anyway, I'm pretty withdrawn, and not very social at all. I'm an introvert, and I don't have too many friends, but the ones I do have are very close. I tend to avoid chit chat, parties, etc whenever possible. This does make college life kinda hard for me, but it would be worse if I tried to force myself into social situations that make me extemely uncomfortable, so I end up spending most of my time alone in my room on the computer or studying.

[whirlygirl]

i'm a sociable and gregarious person especially at parties :>, i love to meet and make new friends, and also to travel to meet friends. I am also shy and sometimes have social anxieties. :P

[Islander9]

:D WoMBat! haste ye here!

We have vineyards - even now! - proliferating towards grapeness! I mean,

grap-tnest-ah greatsest - ooo, you know what I mean-

our wines are GOOOOD!

(Seriously, you get to New Zealand, I will make it my pleasure to introduce you to some of my favourite greatvineyards...in my island, the South Island, come here - lots of it is boring, but you will love it-0 8)

[Qwerty]

I'm with Metaleaf.

(Or does that make me "extra"?)

[Metaleaf dan Blorie]

Kindred spirits, yo.

[Justin Sane]

Yeah, I didn't want to pick that choice, because, after so many Pysch courses all it implied in my head was having a complete lack of a moral compass.

OK sorry, looks like my poll terminology could have been better. Ah well. I didn't mean sociopath by anti-social, just unsocial. Hopefully the poll isn't rendered void now :)

I just think that the most important friend you can have is yourself. Everyone else is extra.

Yes, but isn't that lonely? I currently have family around, but that won't last forever.

I am thankful for the internet in many many ways. It allows me to communicate comfortably and find like-minded people.

Although in high school I had these two friends and we would sit outside in the hall by the lunchroom, next to the snack machine, during lunch and we would call it our "antisocial lunch corner."

That sounds so similar to me in school. I just withdrew to a small crowd who usually avoided everyone else. And it really was an "us and them" situation to be honest.

There are a couple words in this poll I do not recognize

Sorry again

but the difference is THEY have plenty of other people they can relate to , while you / we whatever are faced with a definite shortage...

Yes, absolutely. Talk about one sentence summing up a life. Possibly one day offline communities will really take off, and things will change. Perhaps that is being born right here? But for now the day to day options are limited. Try to fit in and compromise (a lot), or withdraw to your own little world.

I think mine has in part to do with also being a little autistic. People generally are so loud and annoying, and that scares me.

I'm not autistic (as far as I know), but I feel the same way haha

[Vicious Trollop]

Anti-social. Might verge on misanthropy, but I only actively hate people if they're right in front of me. Otherwise, I'm indifferent and just wish they'd keep their distance. I'm an introvert, a loner, and uncomfortable in most social situations. I like to spend time with my few close friends, and I know some other people with whom I'd like to spend more time if things were different (eg, professors, but it would just be weird as it is). I prefer books, movies, and my own little world.

[whisper in a crowd]

I'm not very social. I can be really shy sometimes. Some days I talk a lot and on others I only say something when necessary. I find it hard to meet new people. I also don't like to talk with people I have not much in common with. Usually they ask me questions and I give the answers, but I hardly ask them anything myself.

[yam]

Fairly social. I'm much more social once I get to know someone but I have trouble at first making conversation and finding similarities. I don't enjoy being at parties, etc. but I enjoy small groups discussing ideas, books, things held in common. I 'schmooze' for a living so I'm sort-of-ok at being social or at least I try to be. I have these moments of sheer terror but usually once I get started things go okay. I do, like some of you have mentioned, enjoy my privacy when I want it. Though truthfully I miss having roommates a lot of days... I guess that's why someone invented the phone.

[Verek]

I tend to switch between fairly social, anti-social, and misanthropic. Sometimes I have a good time talking to people, as long as it's about something interesting and thought provoking, but I hate going to parties. I can't deal with loud ambient noise, I get confused, and lose track of conversations. Plus, I can't stand to be around people who are drinking (like it's their job, perhaps I should say people who are drunk) or smoking (Awful smell coupled with the fact that it's DAMAGING MY SWEET SQUISHY ORGANS!), I fail to see what people find funny in drunk people. I think it's just sad.

That said, according to what everyone tells me and from firsthand experience, I am not going to have fun in college (University for our friends across the pond).

[Chameleonthing]

Me too. I'm not sure what to tic off in the survey. Mainly, it depends on my company... if I'm hanging out with shy, indecisive people, then I'll take charge and be the obnoxiously loud playful extrovert. If I'm hanging out with an extrovert, I'm shy and withdrawn. Like Fayetje, a "social chameleon." :)

That is, if I leave my room. I tend to become very avoidant as the school year progesses.

On average, I don't seek out people (I don't remember the last time I sent out an initial IM) and don't speak until spoken to. I don't think this has anything to do with my asexuality, though, because I'm very comfortable talking about sex. Many of my friends find my alternate perspective on the subject to be interesting.

On the subject of college, Verek... I may be stereotyping, but based on my experiences at a liberal arts college... As long as you're not going to 'Frat-Sorrority University USA' (especially if it's in the middle of nowhere, 'cos there really isn't anything else to DO on weekends), it's not too hard to find people with common views towards alcohol. I avoid parties because I don't drink, but non-alcoholic weekend options DO EXIST. Most of my friends either don't drink, don't drink MUCH, or stopped drinking after the freshman thrill of getting drunk wore off. So cheer up. :)

[Rabger]

I think I'm fairly social. I used to be very anti-social, and sometimes, how I miss that. Back in high school, sure, I'd hang out with friends while in school, but after that it was just me and my computer. I'd go out with the guys once a month and that was about it.

Now, however, I'm a little more social. I live with 2 of my teammates, so I hang out with them and their gfs a lot. Also, they have the team over sometimes. But, hmm, its not like I'm actually going out to be active there. I go see my old ladies once a week, and I used to go see a group of people my own age once a week too, but class cut into that. And once or twice a month I go see another friend of mine to gush over her puppies :) That's about it though. I don't know if it would technically qualify as "fairly social" but I think it does, and its a lor more than I used to be.