Are married women ever jealous of single women?

[thylacine]

Well, I have recently had "difficulties" with an acquaintance of mine, whom I shall no longer associate with, due to her extreme badness...

People have suggested she started all this stuff up because "she is jealous of you." But I cannot see it that way. Why? Well, she's married. I cannot believe a married woman would ever be jealous of a single woman, because they usually appear to feel as if "they have made it." That is, they have these goals in life, college, get job, get married, get house in suburbs, have 2.5 children, obtain minivan and golden retriever (dog optional). So they will therefore look upon adult single ladies as "poor little dears." I mean, yeah, I have a nice home and a nice car and a college degree and a career and all that, but no ring & no kids, which is fine since I'm asexual anyway (I don't tell them this, that adjective is not in common usage -- they think it means you're Caster Semenya or something like that... hey, okay, so the folks in my town "is ignerrint." Whatever.)

Would a married woman, with home in suburbs, mivivan, husband, statistical average of 2.5 bratty disrespectful children, weed filled lawn, etc. -- ever be jealous of someone for whom it appears "life has passed them by?"

I just can't figure it.

[Alan Degas]

Sure they can. Just as a single woman can be jealous of a married woman and so on and so forth. It really isn't so much about what the other person has or does not have. It's about your outlook on life. If you're unhappy in your life, it's very easy to start seeing greener grass every where else. The real solution, of course, is to appreciating what you do have, instead of envying others.

I can imagine a married woman; with job, house, kids and perhaps problems in her relationship with her husband, will find it very easy to be jealous of other women who (seemingly) have nothing to worry about except themselves.

[thylacine]

1. That doggy is cute.

2. That is interesting about people seeing "greener grass" everywhere else... hmm... ? I'm not a jealous type anyway, so I guess I didn't see it that way. That might be correct, though...

3. On the other hand, why doesn't she realize that I have to pay my own bills, and I have a lot of responsibility that is all on me alone? I have elderly family members I worry about constantly, one of whom is losing his mind a long with other things he is losing, and I am the one who will be responsible for him when he finally whacks out or ends up in the hospital for another major crisis... in addition I work to support myself, and have no safety net other than my own savings (i.e. no one to help out if I get sick & can't work & etc.) She doesn't get that we all have difficulties in life, and that I have responsibilities too...

[Guest Viinasu]

awww.... *hugs*

well, you don't have to worry about taking care of kids or a husband, like she does... you probably have a lot more free time to do what you want. most moms/wives don't have that. also, if she doesn't know you're asexual, she might think you're getting a hot date every friday night and having fun like that, and she's stuck with her family. and, maybe, you might look better than she does, often times women who haven't had children are more attractive than those who do have them. after those 2.5 kids she might be having a more, um, mature body, while you probably look a lot better. kind of a dumb thing to be jealous about, but she may be jealous of the way you look.... just my opinion, anyway.... :3

[Hallucigenia]

3. On the other hand, why doesn't she realize that I have to pay my own bills, and I have a lot of responsibility that is all on me alone? I have elderly family members I worry about constantly, one of whom is losing his mind a long with other things he is losing, and I am the one who will be responsible for him when he finally whacks out or ends up in the hospital for another major crisis... in addition I work to support myself, and have no safety net other than my own savings (i.e. no one to help out if I get sick & can't work & etc.) She doesn't get that we all have difficulties in life, and that I have responsibilities too...

So would you rather be married than single? Knowing your posts, I imagine not.

It's true you have many responsibilities and difficulties. And so does she. The thing is, because you live different lifestyles, you have different sets of responsibilities and difficulties. When a lady's frustrated with the responsibilities and difficulties that come with her lifestyle, it's easy and natural to start half-seriously wishing she had a different one. "Grass is greener", like Taglik said. She doesn't have to actually think you have it easier. She just has to realize that you're free of a few of the specific things that happen to be really bugging her at the moment.

Another question: The people who accuse this lady of being jealous of you, are they the same people that call you a poor little dear for being single? Like, the exact same individuals?

If not, you're doing some odd projection.

If so, is it possible they think she's jealous of you for something other than your singleness? Even if they find you pitiable in your singleness, there might be other things about you that they do not find pitiable. Maybe you're single, but you make more money. A happily married woman might want to make that amount of money while still being married. Maybe you're smarter. Or thinner, like Viinasu said. She doesn't have to want to BE you to get jealous. She just has to envy one specific thing.

[thylacine]

Vilnasu -- what? Me? Have a date on a Friday night? Yeah. I have a date every Friday night -- with a book!

And, well, yeah, she does look kind of "mature," actually...

Halucigenia -- hell no, I do NOT freakin' wanna get married. If anymore people propose marriage to me, I will cut my own throat, damn it. Puke.

No, those are not the same individuals.

I actually think her marriage sucks right now. But I can't imagine her being jealous of me. I mean, I see most married women, they have this, "well, at least I'm married!" attitude. Like, that their husband drinks, cheats, whatever, but "at least I have a husband," and you don't! That sort of thing.

I feel sorry for this person's husband. He's like this ghost of a man, never in the same room with her, they don't seem to speak to each other, when you go to her house, he's hiding in the garage or hiding in the basement or something... Something is up. I can tell. He did not go to her birthday party, either. Both times I went to her house for her birthday two years in a row, he was not there... you would think a man would go to his wife's birthday party, right? I've met him a few times. I feel bad for him. It's like he lives there, but isn't allowed up from the basement level, or something... except when she's not in the living room, he'll come out and say hello if she's not there. It's soooooo weird.

[Sally]

There are some very good marriages and there are some bad marriages. Marriages are all different; you can't look at a marriage and claim you can tell its a "bad" marriage. It may look horrible but it may actually fill all (or most) of the needs of the two people involved. I just had lunch today with a good friend who's been married 50 years and I admire her marriage and the way both people handle themselves within the marriage. She admires how I've handled my life not being married for the last 37 years, and how I tried to deal with my former marriage and former partnership. She's not dependent on her husband, emotionally or financially; I'm not a complete loner; neither of us are stereotypes. We both understand why each of us want the life we have. Many unhappy married women I've known don't necessarily want to be unmarried; they simply wish they had happy marriages. Many happy single women I've known don't want to be married. The only thing I've noticed over the years is that some married women I've known (just some, not all) are sometimes a bit upset when their husbands talk more to me than they do to their wives. But that's natural; I'm "new" and their wives aren't. Other than that, I haven't noticed any jealousy.

[Lego M]

Just saw this thread and it reminded me of something I heard some months ago from two of my friends who are engaged to each other. They basically told me that they were jealous of my single, free, "do whatever you want" life, and that sometimes they wish they still had that instead of all of the responsibilities of building a married life together, eventually having children, etc.

I found it to be a very strange thing, not that they wanted what I had but that they're still pursuing that lifestyle despite it. It's almost as if they feel they have an obligation to that particular type of life because it's just what you're supposed to do, like there's a big checklist of Things To Accomplish and they're methodically checking them off. "Found a partner - check. Marriage - check." Meanwhile they're looking at me in awe of what life is like when there isn't a checklist.

Apart from them, I do often hear the "It must be nice" remark when someone finds out that I'm single and living alone, however it's usually followed by "don't you get lonely?". It seems to just be the concept of being responsible for no one but yourself that they find attractive.

[thylacine]

Re: Things to do: Get Married -- Check.

Wow. I'm not the only one who notices this.

Many of my relatives seem to approach life like this -- they get married because they are supposed to. It's a big rush to get married before thirty, then it's a big rush to have a baby... And they don't even like the guy. I'm like, Why? You were having fun already. Why ruin it? I dunno. I noticed that it seemed that way, that people get married because they are supposed to, and I was wondering, am I the only one who notices that? Guess not.

I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding, and I know that she gets this look on her face when she lies. She said in the limo, "I just love him so much." And I knew right then, she was lying. The other girls in the car didn't know it, but I can tell when she lies, and she lied when she said she loved him. She used to giggle constantly, if a big disaster hit, she would giggle through it all, with this smirk on her silly face, like, What? A nuclear warhead landed on the roof? She would laugh at that. She has not smiled since the wedding. Really. After the wedding, I bought tickets to a baseball game because her husband likes baseball and took them to the game, which is pretty dull for me. Her husband goes to the men's room. She immediately gets up to lean over the railing and look down on the field, "Don't those guys (the players) have cute butts? Look at their cute butts!" I was like, I thought she just got back from the honeymoon? Already, she's checking out other men? Is it me, or is something up? Her husband gets back from the men's room and she sits down and shuts up. And guess what? She tells me I'm a loser because I work 2 jobs to support myself, and thinks I'm just "sooooooo jealous!" Yeah, right. Can't stand her anymore. Her fairy tale is a complete lie, and her prince is a big fat moron who doesn't realize it.

[deighlytfl]

I just feel I have to weigh in on this, having been on both sides of the married/single fence and being the mother of two wonderful kids. Yes, both sides have their advantages, as well as their disadvantages. The demands of childrearing can't really be understood by those who haven't experienced it. There is no day-off from parenting, it is a 24-7 job for at least the first 18 years. If you are sick with the flu and so weak you can't even stand on your own two feet, you still have to drag yourself along the floor, up the refrigerator shelves, push a chair to the stove to sit in while you fix food for your kids when the smell of it is enough to make you hurl all over the floor. You still have to change those diapers. You still have to guard their safety (a surprisingly difficult task, particularly during the first few years). Every time you manage to scrape up an extra five bucks, you do not get to treat yourself (whether it be starbucks or whatever makes you feel good), because the kids are constantly outgrowing their clothes and their shoes, and diapers aren't free, and these children must come before yourself in your own priorities. It is freaking gruelling. Well worth it, don't get me wrong, raising kids is the most wonderful thing...but we're only human. Add a husband to the picture, omg, they are always expecting so much from us! It's not enough to keep the kids happy and healthy and clean and clothed, but there are dishes and laundry to be done constantly, and of course I want a clean house too, but I spend most of my waking hours following my toddler around, playing and teaching and learning and protecting...if I should happen to stop to wash a dish or answer a ringing phone, it is amazing the kinds of danger she can find for herself in that split second that my attention is distracted. You feel constant judgement and criticism, there is no escape from each other when you reside in the same house. He threatens that he will leave me and take the baby, suing for primary custody, on the basis that he feels I am not a good enough mom and not a good enough person. He thinks he can win because I am a disabled individual. I think he can't win because of the recent felony charges he was up against for assaulting me.

Am I jealous of those who were wise enough to avoid the entire marriage & kids dilemma? You bet. Do I wish I'd never had kids? Hell no. But raising them alone is going to be scary, and harder without a partner, and I do wonder (due to my disability) whether I actually am good enough to be able to do this on my own. I worry about the effect all this will have on the kids, and I feel like the most pathetic of failures for not being able to offer them a better, more stable, less violent, preferably drama-free life. They never asked for any of this. It's not their fault I got pregnant. They don't deserve this. It tears me right the f up.

Right now, my oldest is with my sister and the youngest is visiting other family, and the estranged husband is away as well. I have two weeks in which to remember and re-discover the joys and trials of independent living. I can eat a candy bar any time I want to...I don't have to wait for the kids to be in bed;) I can wash the dishes if I feel like it, or put it off a few hours without worrying about what anyone might think of it. I can play a video game even though my chores aren't done. I can get a pizza with toppings that I like! No negotiating! I can sing and dance naked in my living room! I can burp and not say "excuse me". Yes, I miss my kids like crazy, and I will be overjoyed when they come home. But this little stay-at-home vacation without the family is tremendously wonderful, and I can't deny that I am jealous of those who get to experience this every day. I believe a lot of this jealousy comes largely from self-shame, that I let myself get talked into this whole marriage and kids thing when I knew all along it was not what I wanted at all. My fault, my own bed, and so on. Self-directed hostility, that kind of shame just really burns. My kids are totally screwed because I didn't have the resolve to stand true to my beliefs and avoid conception to begin with. I worry they're really going to hate me for that someday. I know I've always hated my own parents for that shit.

I think if more people managed to carve a couple of weeks a year for themselves away from the family, it would relieve much of the frustration that parents and married folks endure. Knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel, a date to look forward to not being needed, at least for a little while.

Life is hell, whether married or single, whether parent or not. It's just different hell.

[Samael]

I actually think her marriage sucks right now. But I can't imagine her being jealous of me. I mean, I see most married women, they have this, "well, at least I'm married!" attitude. Like, that their husband drinks, cheats, whatever, but "at least I have a husband," and you don't! That sort of thing.

It's a well known fact the masses tend to be somewhat... what's a relatively nice word, idiotic?

But damn, it seems I had no idea.

Her husband gets back from the men's room and she sits down and shuts up. And guess what? She tells me I'm a loser because I work 2 jobs to support myself, and thinks I'm just "sooooooo jealous!" Yeah, right. Can't stand her anymore. Her fairy tale is a complete lie, and her prince is a big fat moron who doesn't realize it.

Related to this "insight", I've always known it as self-evident that I'm going to support only myself. If that requires working a lot then I'm more than cool with that. I like to do something productive, and on top of that I get payed well. I couldn't ask for more :) In fact, I've worked 2 jobs for the last 5 years or so already (I'm 23 now). What is unsettling, though, is that there will always be people who can't understand that and so will require an explanation from you on why don't you share the same sheepish attitude towards life. Actually providing that explanation does little good so maybe just shrug them off and move on.

It's cynical to say this, yet oh so very realistic.

[Sally]

My fault, my own bed, and so on. Self-directed hostility, that kind of shame just really burns. My kids are totally screwed because I didn't have the resolve to stand true to my beliefs and avoid conception to begin with. I worry they're really going to hate me for that someday. I know I've always hated my own parents for that shit.

What you don't mention is that your husband is the father of your kids and is at least equally to blame for bringing them into the world and bears the entire blame for physically and emotionally abusing you. Don't let him off the hook when you're beating yourself up in your mind.

There must be some help for you to raise the kids with financial assistance. Your husband would NOT be given custody and probably doesn't want it anyway. Please for your sake investigate what options you have.

There are good marriages out there; I see some of my friends in great marriages. Thy's examples are not the majority.

[thylacine]

Deighlytfl -- I'm really sorry to hear of your problems. That sounds really tough, what you're going through right now.

But I doubt your kids will hate you -- more likely they'll admire how hard you tried despite your difficulties. My mother was a single mother, and didn't have it easy. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mother left him early in the marriage. I was always proud of her for leaving him. She worked 2 jobs to support us, and it was tough growing up, but would have been far worse if she stayed with him -- I'd grow up seeing him drunk or violent or having his strange friends hang around the house...

[deighlytfl]

Thank you, Sally & Thylacine;) I appreciate your kindness and support. I wasn't meaning to vent and moan about my troubles, merely intending to point out that married life can be far from idyllic and there are plenty of reasons (not necessarily mine) why a married woman would be jealous of a single one. None of us can know what difficulties another person faces in their own home behind closed doors. I guess I just got a little carried away with my own sob story. You folks are helping me to restore my faith that not everyone out there sucks;)