"Should I Transition?"

[hyenaboy]

I was attending a support group for people considering a gender transition. It was an amazing group, just finished this past Wednesday, and I'm still making plans with the friends I've made through it. One of the resources that I found was the most helpful to me was a booklet called "Should I Transition?". I've looked for the full copy of it online, but can't find it. However, I'd like to share all of the questions it posed. They were very helpful in getting me to think critically about my choice to transition.

• What are the different factors that shape what you believe about gender norms? Are your own beliefs about gender the same as the dominant gender norms? Do masculinity and femininity apply to you, and if so, how?
  
• Do you feel a conflict between your idea of gender and the idea of gender pushed on you by the society around you? Does it push an idea of gender on you that is different from the sense of gender imparted to you by your culture?
  
• What is your sense of your own gender – your gender identity? What are the different influences that affect how you think about your gender?
  
• If you could change your external appearance in any way you wanted to more closely match your sense of who you are, what would this look like in terms of your gender?
  
• Is it important to you that there be a fit between how you think about your gender and how others perceive you?
  
• What does it mean to you to be a woman or a man? What is it you admire about women and men? What is it you don’t admire? What kind of person do you want to be? Does your gender change your decisions about that?
  
• Do you feel dishonest when you try to behave like the gender you have been assigned to? Do you feel like you don’t make a very good [wo]man – why or why not? Do you feel like you wouldn’t make a very good [wo]man – why or why not?
  
• Do you want to be a [wo]man sometimes, but not others? When? When you feel like you don’t like [wo]men very much? When you feel like it would be easier? When you’re turned on? All the time?
  
• Few people exactly fit the dominant societal gender norms; in this sense many people are, to some degree, gender-variant. How are the ways you express your gender similar or different than the dominant norms within your family? Your community or communities (however you define them)? Society-at-large?
  
• Are you uncomfortable with the assumptions people make about how you should behave, based on your gender? Are you uncomfortable that people assume they know what your gender is?
  
• Do you resent gender because you hate being put into categories? Because you wish you were in a different category?
  
• Do you feel like things would be easier if you were a [wo]man? Do you feel like you don’t care whether it’s easier or not?
  
• How do you feel about passing? Is it important to you?
  
• How does it feel when you do or don’t pass? How do you feel when you see other people who are or aren’t passing? Do you wish you passed more? Less?
  
• Many people pass in some situations but not in others. If this is true for you, what are the factors that affect whether or not you pass? How is this tied to different cultural, class, and other norms for gender that change from community to community? How does it relate to people’s perceptions of you not only in terms of gender, but also in terms of your ethnicity, disability, etc.?
  
• Does the way you look in your ideal gender (in real life or in your head) fit with how you’d like others to perceive you? Are those two different images?
  
• Do you wish you were a [wo]man so that queer [wo]men (or straight [wo]men) would be attracted to you? Do you feel like you are one of these people, despite your apparent sex and gender? Is this curiosity, identification, both, something else?
  
• Do you wish you were a [wo]man so that you could experience sex differently? What yould you like to do/feel?
  
• What emotions get brought up for you by sexuality? Do you enjoy your body? Do you feel sadness, longing, or regret about your genitals, chest, or other gendered parts of your body that are often associated with sexuality?
  
• Are you happy with your sexual relationship to your gender?
  
• Are you uncomfortable in the gendered aspects of your body? What kind of discomfort is it?
  
• Do you feel like you’d like to try having a different body to see what it feels like? Do you feel like you should have had a different body and the one you have is wrong?
  
• Is it hard to look at yourself because you don’t feel conventionally attractive? Is it hard to look at yourself because you keep expecting to see someone with a different body?
  
• Are there parts of your body that are off-limits sexually because you are dysphoric?
  
• Is your gender dysphoria getting in the way of your happiness? Does it interfere with the things you value about your life?
  
• If dysphoria is often about feeling bad, how bad is bad enough to decide to make gender changes? Do you have to feel bad at all?
  
• How do you feel about the idea of playing with gender – excited, embarrassed, bored, angry, frustrated…?
  
• Are there gender lines you might want to cross? Are there gender lines you don’t want to cross?
  
• Some types of gender performance have been criticized as reinforcing racist, sexist, classist, and otherwise oppresive elements of “masculinity” and “femininity”. How does this relate to your feelings and desires about gender play? Are there some types of gender play that you think are inappropriate?
  
• Do you want to wear men’s clothes because they’re more comfortable? You have to for work? They look snazzier, or make you feel more attractive? They turn you on? They give you a deep sense of rightness? They have a particular cultural or religious meaning to you? What other reasons are there for you?
  
• Does the way you look when you’re crossdressed match your internal sense of self? How does that affect your feelings about yourself when you aren’t crossdressing?
  
• Is it important to you how others perceive you when you’re crossdressing? Is it a private thing that you don’t want other people to see?
  
• How do you feel about the idea of changing your name? Is there a name you already use (in your own head, in your writing, in some public settings) – and if so, what does that name mean to you?
  
• How do you feel about the idea of changing your body? What feelings come up – fear, relief, anxiety, excitement…? How do you feel about your body, changed? Do you want the kind of body you would have after transition? Is it your body you want to change?
  
• Do you have a clear mental picture of what you want to look like/behave as a result of transition? How do you think you might feel if what you do look like/behave doesn’t match that mental picture?
  
• Are your body parts as they are a part of your sexuality? What will happen if you lose that part of your sexuality?
  
• What do you think is a ‘wrong reason’ to transition? What do you think are the ‘right reasons’?
  
• How much do you know about the processes and effects of transition? What do you need to know more about to be able to make a fully informed decision?
  
• What parts of your life might change if you transitioned? What do you hope might change, and what do you fear might change?
  
• What are you hoping transition will do for you? Are you hoping transition will fix anything, and if so, what?
  
• Do you think your hopes for transition are realistic? How can you tell if they are or not?
  
• How could gender changes affect your life – both positively and negatively?
  
• What are the possible negative affects of not pursuing gender changes?
  
• How might you cope with any negative things you experience as a result of gender changes and transphobia?
  
• What possible negative consequences could you live with relatively easily? What you be more difficult or painful to accept?
  
• All important decisions involve the risk of mistake. How have you dealt with this when you’ve made other kinds of big decisions?
  
• How do you imagine life after transition? How will you feel if this isn’t how it works out?
  

I know it's long, but I hope they can be helpful to at least one person. You can read my responses on my blog (they start in March).

[prettyeyes]

Thanks for posting this. I think these questions might help me out a lot. I really, really don't want to transition but at the same time being seen as a woman with all the implications society attaches to it just kills me. I mean, it's one thing around close friends who know me for who I am and know better than to make any assumptions but strangers and family... Ugh.

[gulmatan]

Hyenaboy, one resource you may want to check out is called "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism - For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals" by Mildred Brown and Chloe Rounsley

This is a very helpful book for you to find out more info as well as see its Table of Contents so you can get an idea of how much and what information is in this book. Here is the link so you can see the description and order the book: True Selves

I hope this helps you find the answers you are looking for.

[RandomDent]

These questions are great and very useful, thanks :)

Most of them I've already asked myself, worded one way or another. Some I hadn't really considered. So that means I'm crying once again over my dysphoria but that's a good thing. It's part of the the process. It's also due to 'Aunt Flo being in town'. Oh huzzah for being a woman. Huzzah.

[Frey]

Oi. That is a LOT of thinking.

I try to avoid doing that much thinking.

:P

[P is for...]

thank you so much for posting these. i personally do not consider transitioning an option for myself, for a variety of reasons, but these questions are so pertinent for me in terms of developing strategies for living more authentically. it was very generous of you to share them.

[Robins]

thank you so much for posting these. i personally do not consider transitioning an option for myself, for a variety of reasons, but these questions are so pertinent for me in terms of developing strategies for living more authentically. it was very generous of you to share them.

Yes, these are extremely important points to be considered to ensure if you qualify for transition or not. Lots of "trans" people have also done the thing for the wrong reasons and have had regrets or gone for de-transitioning. It is better to live an authentic life and for that its always good to know who you are before taking the step. I believe gender is a non-binary concept and so things could be hella confusing for a person determining his or her identity.

[Frey]

What, exactly, are the wrong reasons? Just out of curiosity. I haven't heard any de-transitioning stories.

[Sammie]

What, exactly, are the wrong reasons? Just out of curiosity. I haven't heard any de-transitioning stories.

Actually, very few people detransition. It is said that about 10% of transexuals are 'not satisfied' about their transition, but actually most of the people in those statistics are unsatisfied about the result of their surgeries, not about the choice they made.

It's hard to say that there are any wrong reasons. It depends on the person and the situation.

- Some people detransition because they risk loosing their spouse or their children and can not deal with that.

This may be a 'wrong' reason to detransition, but who would I be to judge that? It's not my life.

- Some people detransition because they realise they haven't made the right choice, or because they've realized that their genderidentity isn't binary.

This may mean that they made the wrong choice starting transition, or it may just mean that this was the path they needed to take to be happy.

If you make a choice because you think it is what YOU need to do to be happy, I don't see how it could ever be the wrong choice.

The only wrong reason to transition or detransition would be because others tell you it's what you should be doing.