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Confuzzled

I'm not sure what my boyfriend is. Can you help me?

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Confuzzled

Hello there!

I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful guy. He's 23, and we've been together for over a year.

Now, the problem is, I have a sneaking suspicion that he might just be asexual, but not being terribly familiar with this, I don't want to jump to conclusions and accuse him.

In the year that we've been together, we have only had sex maybe 4 times, and I feel like I have to force him to do it.

He is very squeamish about my "girly bits", but apparently my breasts are fine with him. Whenever we do mess around, he'll touch me, but is very reluctant and seems very grossed out by it. If he does have an erection at this point, it always, without fail, immidiately goes limp. Because of this, I feel guilty myself, and turn the attention onto him.

He does not have a problem with me touching him, however. The problem is, he rarely finishes from me playing with him, and usually just finishes himself.

Lately, I learned that he has a crossdressing fetish. He seems to thoroughly enjoy dressing up in my clothes (and his own, as he now has a decent female wardrobe. At least we're the same size, so I basically end up with two sets of clothes!) and has gone so far as to spend over $100 on fake boobs for himself to wear, and a long brown wig.

This is where I become confused. He has sworn repeatedly that he is not gay, and the thought of men doing it repulses him. I do believe him, although it's hard for me, as I am desiring of sex, and he is against it.

We have done it a couple times, but he NEVER finishes, and just seems bored and uninterested. Hell, I've even tried jumping on him at night when he's sleeping to surprise him, all dressed in cute lingerie, and he just groans and rolls over like I'm doing something terrible to him.

I'm just not sure where I should go from here. I dont know if he just lacks sexual maturity, or if he has a hormonal imbalance, or if he's actually asexual.

Please share your thoughts on what I should do and what you think. I love him to death, but this is very hard for me.

Thank you :)

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Ninny

Hi!

Well, I can't really say if he's asexual or not as lack of interest in sex does not always mean asexual. Perhaps if you suggest the term and it's definition to him then he can see if he identifies with it.

The thing that stands out at me is the fact that he's confided in you about his cross-dressing fetish. Is this a fetish in the sexual sense? or a non-sexual, erm, hobby? From what you've written you seem to be okay with his cross-dressing so maybe, provided both of you are comfortable with it, you could consider bringing this cross-dressing into the bedroom? I know you say he is against having sex, so I wouldn't be too hasty and suggest all sorts of things in relation to cross-dressing, hehe, I'd say start small, perhaps explore forms of non-sexual intimacy, such as cuddling and work up slowly from there. This idea could also work even if he or yourself is uncomfortable with the idea of cross-dressing.

I suggest starting slow because going from my own experiences (i'm asexual female) I suffered from "too much at once" syndrome. You say you've jumped him dressed in cute lingerie - this might sound like a wonderful idea to you, and stereotypical 'red-blooded males' but to someone who is less sexual/uncomfortable with sex its all a bit of an overload. It's too much too soon. It's like having someone who is uncomfortable with public speaking do a presentation in front of a packed lecture hall - you need to start small, talking in front of one person, then a small group and continue slowly to the end goal.

So yeah, that's my rambling advice: offer him the term asexual and see if it applies, if you are both comfortable try to bring cross-dressing into the bedroom, explore forms of non-sexual intimacy and SLOWLY build up to the bigger, more sexual things.

Hope that helps.

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yellow

Hi Confuzzled. My recommendation would be to talk w/ him about your concerns that you want different things in the sexual intimacy department. Is he concerned that he's not as interested in sex as you are? You could show him this site too if you felt like it would help. Best wishes to you!

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