It started with my hat

[Eswehau]

So, I have a hat (a black beanie to be exact), and my mom has always hated it. She never really gave me a reason why until saturday when I started sewing things to it to repair it.

Her reason for spending three years trying to literally throw out my prefered headwear is because it (to quote her directly) made me look "uni-human". I was confused about this newly invented word of hers, so I asked for an explanation and got "sinister", and then "you know, genderless".

Considering that's actually my end goal fo my appearance (not that she knows yet), you would think my mom, who has spent almost two decades now buying gender-neutral clothes for me, who has seen me leaving the house in those clothes, and who has seen me literally flinch when comments are made about how I'll "grow up and have kids of my own someday soon", would realize that "genderless" is what I aim for.

.

.

.

What gets me the worst though is the word "sinister". How is my hope for androgeney sinister? Is my own mother calling me sinister?

I have a feeling that this will come back to haunt either my mom, or me, when I tell my family about how I am.

[Percy McKean]

I wish you luck on your no-gender quest. If you ever need back-up, you got it.

[Porygon]

I don't understand what would make her equate 'genderless' with 'sinister'..

[Guest Pelagic]

Huh, sinister... odd choice of words there, but then, some people just don't understand.

Still, that hat must have incredible powers O.O

An entire wardrobe of gender neutral clothing, yet only the hat cinches the deal, apparently. Magic!

[Eirel]

Is there any chance your mom just might have meant that beanies look sinister, not that being genderless is sinister. While I have not knowledge of how the hat looks or anything, beanies can often come off to me as being a bit sinister looking? [Where I live it is usually kind of hot to be wearing a beanie and those that do wear them are generally people that are not really up to much good.] Sometimes people say things that come off in a way that they totally don't intend.

*Hugs* It is important for you to wear what you feel comfortable in. I hope that your mom did not mean for it to come out how it did, but *hugs* still. Being yourself is the most important.

[Sammie]

I think parents are usually in a difficult position when they think about how they want their child to be: They want their child to be confident, individual, and happy in their own skin, BUT they also want their child to be popular so the child won't get bullied and will find a great S.O. etc.

So they want their child to be both unique and accepted.

With androgyny, most parents will love a tomboy look because it is both an individual choice and something society considers acceptable and attractive. When it goes over into true androgyny, parents may feel that the genderrebeling is going a little too far.

Just thinking out loud.. your mom may be totally different. Have a chat with her about it.

[P is for...]

i have simply got to get myself a sinister beanie! now that i know they exist, i'm not sure i can live without one.

to be serious, though, i can relate to the whole well-intentioned-but-hopelessly-clueless-parent thing. it's only now, in retrospect after many years, that i am beginning to see the ways, both subtle and not-so-subtle, in which my parents made me afraid to present myself to the world as the person that i am. i instead settled for the person the wanted and expected me to be and am still trying to undo that damage after far too many years. it does get harder as you get older, so i applaud you for sticking to your sinister, genderless guns and being who you are despite what anyone else may say. right now, for today, you are my hero.

[Zygote]

Genderless = sinister?

Maybe your mom had a really bad experience with someone who was genderless/crossgendered? Maybe she thought she was ok with it, but that darn beanie reminded her of something or someone that wasn't pleasant? There is obviously something wrong here that has nothing to do with the beanie itself. Maybe you could get her to talk about it? Tease her for considering a beanie "sinister"? "Cuz you know mom, every evil overlord just had to have a beanie!"

I wouldn't come out as gender-neutral until you've forced her to address her own issues. Maybe everytime someone mentions gender, you could just start quietly humming, "little boxes on a hillside..." (It's a refrence the older generation seems to get, though no one I know under 40 has heard the song before. Despite it being the intro for Weeds on HBO.)

[asexual cake]

I can relate to this. I've been identifying as "gender neutral" for years now (and long before anyone told me about transgender/genderqueer/genderless/etc.), and I assumed that my parents were entirely okay with it because, you know, I've been eschewing conventional femininity and dressing in men's clothes for just as long as I've consciously rejected the confines my biological sex would have me stay within, but I mentioned androgyny to my mom a few months ago and she mentioned how my dad was on the brink of sending me to a psychiatrist to deal with my "gender issues" (or something). It horrified me and I was shaken for weeks.

I'm sorry you had that kind of experience. It's a terrible feeling to have, thinking your parents find you in some way... wrong.

[Eswehau]

I think that my mom's apparent dislike of "The Sinister Beanie" comes in two parts, each with a separate reasoning:

1) It is a black, nondescript hat and to my mom this screams "drug-dealing thug" (my mom's generation also decided that having a pager meant the same thing so... ??)

2) My mom grew up in a long series of itty bitty small towns (I'm pretty sure most of which were also in the bible belt), with seven siblings, and very traditional gender roles (her most gender-rebeling act being that she has really short hair). So my hat goes against a lot of what she was raised with.

It doesn't help that, as the youngest and only child still at home, I've always being the "quiet child" that didn't make anywhere near the amount of trouble that my older sisters did when they were my age (back in 70's and 80's! I'm adopted, if you can't tell by the timespan). I think that my refusal to budge on this one hat is somewhat baffling to my mom, so she chooses not to see what it really stands for.