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Married to an asexual woman..


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Hopefully you can understand me, because I can't write english very well.

The problem is, we both are christians and didn't have sex before marriage. Everybody was saying: "it's going to be great if you can wait etc", but boy they were wrong. The day before the wedding day she told me that she haven't had any sexual feelings/needs ever or something like that. I wasn't worried, maybe because, she haven't had sex ever.

Now after two years of our marriage, I'm so pissed off. Yes, we have sex pretty often, but... I don't know how to describe it, but it's something like having a sex with dead people. She can't get any sexual pleasure and feels bored very fast. I think I've tried everything from different kind of massages to oral sex etc. She's an excellent wife in every other way, so this saddens me so much. She said that she want sex because of me and it's funny, but could live without it rest of she's life too.

I've been very positive person always, but this is going to make me crazy. I have no idea what to do anymore..

Just wanted to share this.

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I'm going to say something quite different from the other responding post.

I'm in my 60s and I have been asexual all my life. I only recognized that 3 years ago when I found AVEN, because although I knew that I had absolutely no sexual attraction to anyone, I thought I should just "try again". So, I did. I was married for 10 years and had a sexual relationship for 30+ years. During that long time I had sex because my partners wanted it but I had NO desire for it. And during that time, I visited psychologists to find out what was wrong with me.

I can understand why you are disappointed and angry. However, whatever your religious beliefs, marriage is not a situation where you simply keep trying and eventually get what you want/need, especially in the sexual arena. Your wife sounds like she definitely does not want sex, and is only having it for your sake. That may not be pleasant or fulfilling for you, but consider that she is willing to do that, and give her credit for it. She doesn't want it, but she is willing to do something she doesn't want just for you.

A psychologist or a sex therapist is not likely to make this situation any better. In fact, it could indeed make your wife feel much worse than she already does, because there will be more pressure on her. She's clearly told you how she feels about sex -- basically nothing. Believe her. though this is difficult for you, consider the difficulty for her also.

Instead of trying to fix her, the two of you could discuss just what compromises are possible. That could include you fully realizing that she doesn't enjoy sex and accepting that if she's willing to have it anyway, you should attempt to enjoy the sex but not expect her to. Or there could be somewhat-sexual things that she would enjoy that you could do. Or you could have sex less often so that it would be more acceptable to her.

Anything you try must include her opinions and feelings, not a situation where both of you are trying to fix HER. If she is asexual (i.e., no sexual attraction to anyone) and doesn't enjoy sex, there's nothing wrong with her. She simply doesn't enjoy sex, period. That's OK for her. It depends on whether that's OK with you.

Good luck -- hope you can find some sort of compromise to make your marriage work.

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Sounds a lot like the way my partner and me have sex, the difference being that he's fine with it.

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My girlfriend is asexual and what helps me with feeling dejected and inadequate is remembering that its not my fault and shes not this way on purpose.

The sex probably won't get any better...

This example isn't exactly right, but what got me to back off was this thought that, it would be something trying to have sex with a male, if you aren't homosexual. Basically shes not ever going to like it no matter what you do, its not really her fault.

You should be glad she'll even have sex with you, some won't do it period.

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Maybe she's too exhausted/lacking energy for some reason. Maybe her hormones are out of whack. She may like to have that assessed. If her testosterone is too low, or blocked, then that can make all the difference.

She went to our local doctor yesterday and all those results were normal. No low testosterone or anything like that. Maybe I have to just accept the truth, that she's an asexual.

Hi there, so do we know if your wife *can* climax? Does she masturbate?

No, never.

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