Sexual and Asexual relationship troubles

[Rexhunter99]

Hello, my girlfriend referred me to these forums and after a very long discussion with her I was convinced enough that I should ask here for help.

About 15-16 months ago, I met a girl online. I kind of stalked her at first but I was interested in complimenting her work on a chaptered fiction she was writing that I had fallen in love with. Once I located her I initiated an emailing session as a fan and soon enough we became friends on MSN. We remained friends for a few months and it stayed like that and then just before December '08 she confessed to me that she had deep feelings for me after she had left a conversation with another male she knew. And it was then I had realized that I really really liked her, she was sweet and caring and she and I shared so many similarities and understood each other quite well. What started off as a friendship, blossomed into what I believe is love. I'd never had a crush on another girl in school and when I met this one I was seventeen.

During the first six or so months after we had decided to get more intimate we discussed ourselves more in depth and due to our nature, we learned more about each other's more secret information. One such bit I learned from her was she was an asexual and up until that moment I had never heard of such a person. I knew it was possible f or someone not to want sex or sexual interaction but I'd not heard of something so vast after she pointed me to some resources. Now... 2010 with her coming to visit me here in Australia (she lives in America) for two weeks in seventeen days time, I've finally had the guts to go into great depth about my sexuality and this is something I have not spoken a word to, to any other living soul. Not even my mother.

She is obstinate in her asexuality, she will not have any sex at all. It was the one thing she admitted she would never be able to give to me and at the time I thought little more of it than "Fine by me," but I'm nearly nineteen now and after thinking long and hard about it and the experiences I've had over the last year... I've come to realize things may begin to get very hard.

See, I am only saying this in a public forum because I really really want to make our relationship work, the way she makes me feel is incomparable to anything else and the very thought of not having her in my life makes me feel like life would no longer have a point. I feel so strongly about her, I cry for her, I fight for her, I'd do almost anything for her. To further prove this, I wanted to have kids when I was older but for her I've dropped this dream, dropped this dream I've so cared for. I love her so much that I would no longer pursue certain dreams of mine, because I want her to be happy and I want her with me for the rest of my life.

Now, while she absolutely refuses to have sex and is totally uninterested in me or anyone else sexually, I am in a very tight position. I believe I have an asexual state of mind, I don't need sex for a relationship to work, but I can't stop my body from wanting sexual interaction. I also find it rather easy to understand an asexual's perspective while I also know it's harder for them to understand someone who has sexual desires. She admitted it's hard for her to put herself in my shoes but was willing to try and understand while I blabbed for the better part of an hour about how it feels and what I think of it and what I've done to try and sate it and knowing she sat there and listened the whole time makes me feel that she wants nothing more than to put aside her fears and try very hard to understand my position.

Something that frustrates me is, I'm eighteen and I know that I'm not yet old enough to really have experienced anything, but right now the way I feel for her makes me want to do things I normally wouldn't and then when I know that my body's sexual need can't be sated by her, not even by compromise... well it's a kind of sexual frustration. It's very frustrating but I don't blame her f or it. How can I? She never chose to be the way she is and neither did I choose the way I am, though I shamefully admit that I greatly envy how simple it seems to her, how it's all just "No sex" with no bending, just a straight line. I wish it were that simple for me but I can't stop how I feel.

Furthermore, unlike most other males my age I'm not the kind of person to go around saying "I'll have sex with that girl, she's got a hot ass and a set of breasts to die for," that's not me and I find it so awkward in those situations with other males. Don't get me wrong, females attract me sexually but flaunting around and talking like that while bragging about the size of your penis and testicles... it was never right for me.

I know myself well enough to know that once we are together permanently, even if I was deprived of sexual activity, I'd not blame it on her or value our platonic relationship any less I'd just feel very upset and frustrated with the way I feel. I'll admit that masturbating doesn't help, when I do masturbate, sure i get about 2-3 seconds of pure bliss and then I begin to loath myself for doing it, even then when I do, do it despite the mental torment I cause myself, it doesn't sate my body's need to do what it should do to reproduce.

*sigh* Something that frustrates me further is how, on top of how I feel for her and the fact I think she's the most beautiful thing I've lain my eyes upon in the most non-sexual sense possible, I also find her incredible sexy when I know other men would not and part of me thinks that's admirable of me to both love her, adore her, find her attractive physically and then also sexually. But I still feel like my body is betraying me and I'm in a tight space.

Any help you can give would be appreciated because I just want this to work, I love her more than I value my own life. I'd jump in front of a moving train for her, I'd move planets and stars. I would change the fate of this universe if she required it of me, and for someone as young as me to be saying this... someone as young as me feeling the way I do in my heart, feeling so much emotions that half the time I just cry happiness, sadness and frustration out in tears, surely this proves I'm not merely going through a phase. I need help with this... I need someone's experience, and I need reassurance... I love this girl so damned much that I've said some stuff in a public forum that I would not have ever said to anyone else beside her in private and if that's not proof enough... then I don't know how else to show you.

Please... help, this is a desperate eighteen year old male and his early 20's lover who are madly in love and want desperately for it to work... we beg you for help.

[NMirrored]

Well, I'm not sure how much help I can give, I can give my best shot. From your perspective, you, as much as you have been, need to be understanding of her. A while back, I went on a few dates with a sexual, and, everytime, he tried to get me in bed, even after I had stated, rather emphatically, that I was asexual.He claimed I had said it to hurt him... or something like that.

Anyway, your urges are completely natural, and there's nothing you can do about it. Trying to deny them isn't a good idea, because sooner or later, they will explode and could possibly lead you to do something you'll regret. My advice is, well, to either masturbate or invest in one of those... fleshlight thingys. That way, you can satisfy your urges without putting too much pressure on her.

That being said, you shouldn't be required to give up on your dreams. You said you wanted a family. Some Aces also want families, myself being one of them. A very viable option is adoption. It allows you to have a family without all the "joys" of childbirth (Yech!)

[SexualHubby]

You are so young- take one step at a time. Let her come and spend some time with you (face to face). Your feelings for her might change some or maybe not, but just take life with her as it comes (try not to analyze things too deeply) and go from there. When the time is right, try to explore her asexuality with her (learning all you can about the different types here) and go from there. I thought my wife of 20 years+ was asexual- she wasn't. Some therapy changed her to one who is at least sexual some of the time. I'm not saying this will happen with her, but it could. If it doesn't and you're still in love with her, enough to throw yourself in front of a train or move the universe, putting your sexual moves towards her aside won't be as difficult.

[Rexhunter99]

Thank you for replying so quickly, both of you.

Yes I am young... But I want to say that shouldn't be a reason for me to slow down any or think any older. I'm sick of people older than me saying things won't work the way I want them to or blabbing that I'm too young to be making any kind of big decision in my life or anything or worst of all that I'm not really in love with this person and it's some simple crush. I was in a single relationship when in school and I can tell you, what I feel now makes what I felt then look like nothing that and the earlier relationship turned sour rapidly, and I was in direct contact with that person every day of my school year until thankfully, the school split our class up and I no longer had to see her after I told her it wouldn't work out.

Right now I can't really see myself being any more understanding or accepting of her asexuality. I'm trying to take everything in and accept it and right now there isn't a single thing about any form of asexuality that I don't accept as natural and fine by me. I'm of the opinion that if you were born that way, then so be it, you can't change your DNA or your true hair color or your real eye color, so changing your sexuality isn't something I see as either necessary or even possible in some situations. I don't go around to homosexuals (and I have a few friends who are gay and accept them as normal) and say they have to change their ways for their friends or partner's sakes. Besides, I myself find no use or need to having sex outside of childbirth and even though I wanted kids when I was younger, the prospect of having them when I am older than I am now and raising them and teaching them what is right and wrong and bringing them into this cruel world with their heads held high was something I really really looked forward to having had a bad childhood myself. I wanted to shed the horrible tortorous cycle my father and his father and so on, were looping down onto their kids. Of course when I learned a little more about asexuality and probed her further for personal information she revealed she does not want kids, and is likely never to have them because of a few reasons.

One of them is a deep rooted fear of childbirth complications, another is that she fears she isn't mature enough to properly raise a child of her own, flesh and blood, or adopted, she also finds children awkward to be around and difficult to read. I love her so much that I'm happy to drop that dream of mine in a dumpster and move on, my only concern is that down the track, if we do get together and we do work as a couple (as we are desperately hoping the two weeks she will be here might help prove) is that my bodily needs might make her feel bad because despite the fact I have no care about having any form of sexual interaction with anyone, my body still reacts naturally to seeing women during certain moments of the day and I've managed to figure out I can just ignore it but sometimes ignoring it won't work and all I'm left with after it goes away is a frustration at my own body for betraying my mind.

The problem isn't her asexuality it's my sexuality, it just seems so simple to me from her perspective, saying "No" seems like a breeze and I know I might be horribly wrong, but that kind of resolve is something I desperately envy.

In the end really, the true difficulty comes from how shy she is and how closed off from the world I've been all the years since I hit puberty. To me, sex and anything related to it is a dirty, unthinkable thing and no matter how much I reassure myself that it's natural and normal to be like this, it still confuses me and hurts... I dunno really. I'm hoping someone can give their own experience on something similar or offer some very useful advice or something. Really, masturbating seems to be the only option to relieve any sexual frustration but right now I just resent myself for doing it, as if it's a crime and I guess it comes from not being absolutely sure that she's fine with me doing it and just the way everything mixed up when I was younger. I've lived a pretty messed up life and some relatives are insisting I get a counselor to sort through it all so if that helps as information any then there.

[Lucinda]

Really, masturbating seems to be the only option to relieve any sexual frustration but right now I just resent myself for doing it, as if it's a crime and I guess it comes from not being absolutely sure that she's fine with me doing it and just the way everything mixed up when I was younger.

What do you think happened when you were younger that makes you think it is a crime? Why do you resent yourself? Perhaps exploring the answers to these questions will help you alot!

You can consider it a solo sexual activity -or- a solo maintenance activity. Either way, since it is solo, it's yours and no one elses.

Lucinda

[Rexhunter99]

Really, masturbating seems to be the only option to relieve any sexual frustration but right now I just resent myself for doing it, as if it's a crime and I guess it comes from not being absolutely sure that she's fine with me doing it and just the way everything mixed up when I was younger.

What do you think happened when you were younger that makes you think it is a crime? Why do you resent yourself? Perhaps exploring the answers to these questions will help you alot!

You can consider it a solo sexual activity -or- a solo maintenance activity. Either way, since it is solo, it's yours and no one elses.

Lucinda

Sorry about the delay, you can guess why it took so long from my other topic ^^;

As I explained in the other topic, masturbating for me is very slippery ground. On one hand it's just strange for me to, well do it, but also that when I was younger my parents never discussed the birds and the bees with me and I self educated myself mostly on the theory of it all. I guess, somewhere in my brain it has just never clicked that masturbating is fine to do, that many other males do it and it should help with any sexual pressure building up. I'll be brutally honest, for me to find something new and somewhat strange for me to be okay to do I need both support from people close to me and also I need proof from a general source of information. I guess really right now the feelings I do feel are a mixture of guilt and disgust, I greatly dislike doing it and I feel like when I do it I'm betraying my girlfriend. And if she reads this post, I'm sure she's going to come to me on WLM and say I shouldn't feel guilty about it if it makes me feel better, but really sometimes when she's talking to me on WLM I just become aroused, sometimes maybe by what she says or maybe by something I see in real life off of cyberspace and for me to just whip it out and begin relieving myself sounds too foreign to me, I don't understand how so many other males can do it like that. Besides, my girlfriend could be talking about anything really at the time and I don't want to just slink away for something like that. Also, what am I to do when we're together in person?

My stance on these kinds of things conflict with how my body reacts too much.

There was one thing I managed to finally talk to her about, how I do find her sexually appealing and that if I were ever to get an erection in the middle of conversation or anything that she should do her best to ignore it as it's incredibly embarrassing for me to have one. I tried to explain to her why and hopefully its sunk in enough that she understands somewhat. The key to any relationship and especially to this kind of relationship with an asexual and a sexual, is communication and I'm doing all I can to communicate everything to her, but sometimes discussing how I feel and react sexually freaks me out just as much if not more than it would to her.

As I said earlier, I'm fine with masturbating as a solution to my bodily requirements, but doing it seems so awkward and wrong to me.

One last thing before I wrap this post up. Is there a list of topics to discuss for asexuals and sexuals in a relationship somewhere around here on AVEN? We've already explained to eahc other how our bodies work, and my rough and rather blunt description of her asexuality is a little lacking in information for me. Also I find she has a slight lack of interest in the topic of our differences. Maybe put it down to fear or the fact its such a delicate and foreign topic for her. I do know she's trying in every way possible to understand me however and try to understand things from my perspective such as maybe things she find romantic or cute, they might arouse me and put me in an uncomfortable position. I really just want to know everything about her asexuality in particular and to have a guide, or extensive list of questions for me to ask her and her to ask me might help greatly.

[Sally]

I really just want to know everything about her asexuality in particular and to have a guide, or extensive list of questions for me to ask her and her to ask me might help greatly.

Maybe you might just see how the in-person meeting goes before doing the extensive list of questions. That might be a bit stressful to lead off with.

[Sabriel]

Hey, first of all I really sympathise with your situation, try not to blame yourself as you can't help how you are just as much as she can't help how she is.

Is she open to any kind of physical contact? Kissing, cuddling etc? Is it just intercourse that she doesn't want to do, or anything sexual? If she's open to other things, you might be able to work on some kind of compromise.

I'd suggest taking a look around the forums, this section in particular, as there's some very useful advice on how to attempt to make an sexual-sexual relationship work, as well as loads of things that might help you understand the differences between you and give you some help on how to talk to her.

Hope this helps a little.