defining sexual attraction?

[panda]

hey all -

this is going to sound (perhaps) like a stupid question.

for those not familiar, I'm a guy, 26 years of age, with amazing little experience with the ladies. one of the most confusing things about my situation is that I can never tell if I'm sexually attracted to someone or not. attracted, sure - she's really cute, fun to talk and flirt with, maybe I really like their personality and want to spend more time with them... but that's about it. no lusty thoughts, no "action" down below :? ... never, not even when making out.

let me be clear... all my parts work just fine, thank you... they just don't react the way I'd expect when dealing with attractive women.

I've often been told, "trust me, you'll know when you're attracted to someone" with an air of certainty that's difficult to argue with. ... but after 26 years, I've yet to be certain. what's up? (self deprecating humor: not me! :) ... :( )

haha, but seriously folks...

so I'm curious... can someone go through and describe what it's like to be sexually attracted to someone? what goes through your mind? does your body react in ways beyond your control (i.e., physical sexual arousal)? details!

given the forum in which I'm posting this question, I'm not expecting any rapid replies . hehe

peace -

panda

[panda]

yeah, me again... let me rephrase something I think might have come out a little weird...

so I'm curious... can someone go through and describe what it's like to be sexually attracted to someone? what goes through your mind? does your body react in ways beyond your control (i.e., physical sexual arousal)? details!

I'm not looking for detailed descriptions of any sexual encounters you might have had. I just want to know, does physical attraction become apparent immediately, or do you have to "get to know" the person a bit beforehand? And other kinds of details like that... nothing graphic, please.

thanks -

p

[bard of aven]

Well, the short anser is that alot of us see a real distinction between sexual arousal and sexual attraction. Arousal is, for us fellows, most obviously about having an erection, though there are alot of other things going on also. Attraction is about whom you want to have genital sexual interactions with.

Some, like the self-proclaimed Official Asexual Society, would say that if you experience arousal, you are not asexual. We would not say that. Some asexuals experience arousal and some do not. Some masturbate and some do not. Some like to kiss and cuddle and some do not. Some like to become romantically involved with others and some do not. Some are disgusted by thoughts of sexual activity and some are not. Some dislike the sexual parts of their own bodies and the bodies of others, and some find them beautiful. And there are infinite degrees and combinations of all these things in various asexuals (we really are quite a diverse crowd), as we define the orientation. And many of us do think of it as an orientation (and some as a disorientation---no, really!).

Straight people experience an attraction to interact in a genital sexual way with people of the opposite sex. Gay people experience this attraction for people of the same sex. Bi people experience an attraction to interact in a genital sexual way with people of both sexes. Asexuals do not experience an attraction to interact with other people in a genital sexual way. There are those among us who do find some other people sexually stimulating and arousing, yet still have no desire to have sex with the people who arouse us, or with anyone. This is one reason (romantic attraction is another) why some identify as gay asexual or straight asexual. But, as teh brilliant Brian said in the New Scientis article, "The place where we draw the line is the desire to interact sexually with other people." If you do not desire to interact sexually with other people, regardless of anything else that may or may not be going on, you fit our definition of asexual.

So that was rather longwinded but there it is. I'm not sure if it answers your question, but I hope it helps.

boa (aka Brian :lol: )

[panda]

hey boa -

thanks for the reply. I understand and agree with what you said, about there being a difference between physical attraction and physical arousal, and the different "directions" in which that attraction / arousal can go (from straight, bi, gay, or none), etc. It makes sense that there should be a wide variety of possibilities for any individual to fit into, so the term "asexual" must be applied in the most general of manners (e.g., some of us experience arousal, some don't. some of us are attracted to the same sex, others the opposite, some none at all. and of course that attraction has infinite levels of variation. and so on and so forth).

however, and I mean this with the utmost respect, I don't believe your answer, as detailed as it was, really got at what I was looking for. I blame myself; I think perhaps I wasn't specific enough with my original and followup posts.

I am trying to determine (perhaps from some of the few "sexuals" who visit this forum) how you recognize attraction when you encounter a potential mate. See, I have started considering myself asexual, because the evidence directs me that way. As such, I'm looking for evidence to act as a "devil's advocate," to attempt to negate what I've come to believe. Basically, I want to get some feedback from people that might help me determine whether or not my attraction to women is purely intellectual / emotional, or if a physical element was present, and whether or not I gave my past relations enough time to develop either. I realize only I can answer these questions, but there's only so much that thinking to ones-self can accomplish without bouncing ideas off other people.

hope you understand :D

So, regarding attraction in a potential sexual relation... for those responding... does the attraction begin with a connection on the intellectual / social level, and after a time spent with that person, lead to physical arousal? Or perhaps is physical arousal an immediate reaction to seeing someone you consider attractive, followed thereafter by "refining the search" through intellectual and social interactions? When you see someone attractive coming down the street wearing something provocative, what is your immediate thought, and are there physical effects that take place?

I get the feeling I've never been physically aroused by anyone... seems like it'd be obvious if I were... and I'm looking for some confirmation one way or the other.

Thanks, and (again, this is getting to be a habit ) sorry for the super-long post.

-p

[Live R Perfect]

I'm assuming that sexual attraction is when you meet someone and think "I'd REALLY like to have sex with that person."

[Cate Perfect]

Liver's definition is the one I've always used. I'm occasionally attracted to people, but it never occurs to me to want to touch their genitals.

Cate

[KidKash]

I am trying to determine (perhaps from some of the few "sexuals" who visit this forum) how you recognize attraction when you encounter a potential mate. See, I have started considering myself asexual, because the evidence directs me that way. As such, I'm looking for evidence to act as a "devil's advocate," to attempt to negate what I've come to believe. Basically, I want to get some feedback from people that might help me determine whether or not my attraction to women is purely intellectual / emotional, or if a physical element was present, and whether or not I gave my past relations enough time to develop either. I realize only I can answer these questions, but there's only so much that thinking to ones-self can accomplish without bouncing ideas off other people.

hope you understand :D

So, regarding attraction in a potential sexual relation... for those responding... does the attraction begin with a connection on the intellectual / social level, and after a time spent with that person, lead to physical arousal? Or perhaps is physical arousal an immediate reaction to seeing someone you consider attractive, followed thereafter by "refining the search" through intellectual and social interactions? When you see someone attractive coming down the street wearing something provocative, what is your immediate thought, and are there physical effects that take place?

I get the feeling I've never been physically aroused by anyone... seems like it'd be obvious if I were... and I'm looking for some confirmation one way or the other.-p

I think I understand what you mean. Not everyone has to be visually stimulated in order to be attracted to a person, but in many sexuals cases, that's the what happens. That's why they have "types." Personally, I used to have immediate physical reactions take place, then the thoughts came.

On the other hand, I didn't have to always become aroused to physically aroused in order to know that I was attracted to someone; I was still visually impressed, but I wasn't physically aroused immediately.

Now, everyone's pretty much the same physically and emotionally. Developing a relationship over time doesn't make me become emotionally attached. Whenever I see a person who's physically attractive, I may think "She's hot" then I'll continue whatever it was I was doing. It's not something on which I have the ability to dwell anymore. Sometimes I will look twice if the person has a nice, rare feature.

That's just how I used to experience attraction. As far as you're concerned, the best advice I can give is if this person or these people give you different feelings than the average person, then you are probably sexually attracted; even if it's not physical, it may be emotional. If emotional attraction doesn't happen over time, then you're probably asexual; if it does happen, then you could be asexual or sexual.

I hope that helps.

[KSpaz]

Hmm. I've never felt sexual attraction towards anyone, and I've sort of defined it as the following:

Sexual attraction is 1. When you think of a person. 2. Then you think about being intimate with them. 3. Then you think about being intimate with their genitals as a way to further the intimacy/pleasure/whatever you're after.

I've thought about certain people. I've even thought about being intimate with them, although more rarely. But I never ever get to the third step. So I assume I'm not attracted sexually to them.

This is just my logic though, which is usually pretty um...interesting...so if it makes no sense, my apologies. :roll:

[gambit_boi]

hey panda-

it seems like sexual attraction involves being attracted to someone as a possible sexual partner, or as a sexualized being. or wanting to have actual sexual contact with another, as opposed to being happy with sexual fantasies alone. maybe....

[Dolly]

I dont know, but maybe I can help... Its like what your friend says, when you feel attracted to someone, you just know. It sounds silly, and if you've never been attracted to someone it just sounds like excuses and makes you wonder if theres somthing different about you, which I why I came here - to help with my confusion! I've since come to realise that I dont think I can fit into the asexual catagory, however there are a lot of ideas and feelings that asexuals experience that relate to me more than my sexual friends can. Sorry, not sure that made much sense.. anyway.

I'd define (in my experience) sexual attraction as being a mixture of a lot of things mentioned, plus a few things that havnt. When I'm with my b/f I feel sexually aroused, I want to be doing things with him. But just as importantly I'm attracted to who he is aswell - the person, the behind the physical attraction. I think thats very important - if you dont have the mental attraction along with the physical attraction I dont see how it can work. This doesnt always come straight away - when we first met, I felt like there was some sort of a "connection" between us. I know, I sound like a broken record, but you really do just know. I cant explain it any other way - you just know. However after spending some time together, I knew that I wanted to be doing things with him!

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that when youre sexually attracted to someone, you should feel aroused by that person and have "urges" perhapes! This attraction can be physical or mental or both. However, I would never do anything with someone if I was just physically attracted to them - itd have to be something more than that. But then I dont find that I'm ever sexually attracted to people that I dont get on with or mentally fit with anyway!

Not very good at explaining it. I hope this helped a bit maybe. But what youve been told is right. You do just know. You just do. So obviously theres a every chance your asexual if youve never felt attracted to somone in this way. But theres also every chance that you just havnt met that someone yet.

Dolly

[Cate Perfect]

Dolly, that's very helpful, thanks. :D I suppose it'd be like trying to describe hunger to a person who'd never been hungry.

Cate

[Dolly]

Thats cool, any time! Its like you said, trying to describe hunger to someone whos never been hungry! When youve been hungry you know coz your tummy hurts! When you havnt, youre sort of like, well, I think its like that, but I'm not really sure. So you obviously havnt been!

I wasnt sure how much sense it made coz I'm not very good at explaining things at the best of times, let alone somthing as complicated as that! "You just know" doesnt seem like much of an explanation. But you just do!

Hope I can be of assistance in the future, lol :D

Dolly

[Squick]

Well, I'm in a minority here, I think...I mean, I haven't taken a poll...But I've been attracted to people and all that. I've done stuff. It's just...I don't want to. Hence my username. ;)

Anyway, um, sexual attraction and sexual arousal, definitely different. For me...OK, I have Legolas wallpaper on my computer here at work. It's there because I think he's hot (Legolas specifically, not Orlando in general). I'm sexually attracted to him, you might say. It doesn't result in anything physical, generally. I also like young punk guys. And so on. I write fan fics (eep!) and look at pictures, and these guys make me happy. But if one of them were to put his hand on my thigh, well...no go. Looking at them doesn't lead much to fantasies, I'd say. Maybe some, but then a lot of those would be fantasies about them with another guy. I'm trying to write myself (and all women) out of the equation entirely (unless I'm the guy in the situation, re certain sex shop purchases--that's not too bad).

I don't know if this made any sense. All I know is that somehow, this picture of him in the woods with a bow and arrow and cute elf outfit makes me smile.

[Dolly]

Hmm... I'll try again, lol

Sexual arousal and attraction, yes both different. Arousal can happen at any time for no apparent reason (guys as far as I'm awear can get "stiff" just from sitting on the bus - I just have to send a dirty text to my b/f and he has to remain seated for 20 minutes or so! :D ) But sexual attraction to someone is where you feel this arousal because of a certain person and just god, I wish theyd touch me and kiss me and I'll stop now coz I might gross you out...

Might need some help though - if I'm sexually attracted to someone, I feel the need to be doing things (coz I feel halfway to coming, lol). I'd assume that if you dont want them to be touching you dont feel sexually aroused by them. You feel attracted to them - I dont know, maybe coz they look nice or somthing, but you dont want to be doing anything.

I have Legolas wallpaper on my computer here at work. It's there because I think he's hot (Legolas specifically, not Orlando in general). I'm sexually attracted to him, you might say. It doesn't result in anything physical, generally.

So when you feel attracted to someone, do you feel aroused by them and not want to do anything, or do you just not feel aroused?

I guess what I'm trying to get at is can you feel sexually attracted to someone without being sexually aroused? The way I see it, you can be sexually aroused (ie, feeling horning!) without being sexually attracted to someone. But you cant be sexually attracted to someone without being sexually aroused. Otherwise youre just attracted to them.

You dont have to be sexually attracted to someone to be sexually aroused, but you have to be sexually aroused by them to be sexually attracted!

By Joe, I think I've got it! Well, this going by my experience anyway

[Squick]

So when you feel attracted to someone, do you feel aroused by them and not want to do anything, or do you just not feel aroused?

You know, I've never really given it much thought. I think I'm sexually attracted because it's more than just saying, "he's an attractive person" like a straight girl would say about another girl.

I can't say I feel physically aroused exactly. I go all silly over it. But I don't think I feel anything exactly, physically, just from the person's face or whatever. Now if he's doing something, if it's a boy-boy picture, that's another story.

[Chrysalid]

self-edit

[Davey]

It implies nothing of the kind. The adjective 'sexual' modifies and specifies the attraction. 'Yellow box' does not imply all boxes are yellow.

[Dolly]

Cheers, Davey, you fixed the one for me, lol

When I asked if Squick felt physically aroused by a person I wasnt implying that all attraction is sexual. I was trying to get at, that if you feel aroused by a person you find attractive, theres a sexual attraction. If you dont, like you say, its just an attraction for whatever other reason. I dont think using the term sexual attraction implies that all attraction is sexual coz its not. Its like I said before. You will only feel a sexual attraction to someone that you feel sexually aroused by. If not, then, yeah, you do just fancy them. And nothing more.

So Squick, you feel sexual arousal then through other means, like pictures, lol. But not through actually people? Well, I'd say in that case you have not felt a sexual attraction to people then. That maybe because its somthing you dont experience, it maybe that you havnt met anyone that you find physically arousing.

Panda, I think if you had been sexually attracted to someone, youd know about it, coz it'd probably foremost in your mind when that person is around you. Sounds dirty, I know but thats just how it is. I can remember every guy that I've felt sexually attracted to, coz it doesnt just happen with random people you pass in the street. The only thing in my mind is normally, god I wish theyd touch me! And you start wishing they come up and just hold you! I dont know if this helps you at all, but you really would know if youd experienced it, coz itd be all you could think about!

[panda]

to everyone -

thanks so much for your replies, they've definitely helped me sort out some of the thoughts that have been running around in circles in my mind for a long, long time.

I think that describing sexual attraction is similar to hunger in that when you're hungry, you just KNOW it makes sense (thanks, Cate, for this analogy!). that certainly puts it into perspective, and makes logical sense.

I also want to thank you, Dolly, for your insightful, thoughtful responses. I understand that it can be difficult to describe something like that... I know of certain things that turn me on (forgive me for not going into detail, they're kinda embarrassing :oops:), so I can certainly relate on a very real level to what you're talking about, but I have to search and question my mind as to whether anybody has ever "done it" for me, and when I do, I basically draw a blank. but given the responses I've read (thank you all!), it appears there isn't any real difference between the things that arouse me versus the things that turn other people on... it's just a question of stimuli.

I also appreciate the distinction between "generic" attraction (i.e., a "fancy" for), and sexual attraction. That also helps sort out my feelings into separate, identifiable buckets, so to speak - that kind of order is just what I need right now!

so yes... I am certain now that while I am attracted to the opposite sex, I am either an incredibly late sexual bloomer, or I'm asexual in the sense that the other sex just doesn't turn me on. Or I'm so incredbily finicky about my tastes that I simply haven't yet met Ms. Right, but I think that scenario is unrealistic.

thanks again -

-panda

[Squick]

So Squick, you feel sexual arousal then through other means, like pictures, lol. But not through actually people? Well, I'd say in that case you have not felt a sexual attraction to people then. That maybe because its somthing you dont experience, it maybe that you havnt met anyone that you find physically arousing.

Heh, I'm not used to my username yet, it looks funny. I usually use the same few names on boards.

Actually, let's see...This seems to get more complicated every minute, heh. Usually, when I look at someone, I don't feel anything physical just to look at the person, nor do I think of doing stuff with them. However, I've had boyfriends, and I've had occasions where I wanted to do stuff. In a sense. My problem is with sex more than anything else. So...I've had boyfriends where I'd look at them and want to touch them (not there, just, you know, their chest, whatever) or want to kiss them or what-have-you. Just not sex itself.

It's always worn off, too, I guess because I have a hard time breaking up. Like, I'll be lovey-dovey for a little while, and wham, I'm suddenly all "Oh, don't touch me, eww." That could imply waning attraction, yes, and that's probably the case. Time to break up, heh. But my last boyfriend, I'm not sure that's what it was.

I can be attracted in a sense that, as I say, is different from looking at a girl and saying yes, she's pretty. It's not definable. It's the whole fluttery thing, I guess. But not a physical thing, not under the ol' jeans. But then I think girls wouldn't as much as guys? I don't know.

My #1 curse right now is the "tease" phenomenon. I've looked over the threads on asexual relationships, and that's not my way. But nor is sexual. Basically, I'm screwed (so to speak). If I'm with a guy, I'm going to want him to want me. I'd be offended if I shook my stuff at him and got no response. It's all this big ego trip. I'd really need a response from someone. But the kicker is that once he's responded, the fun's over. That is like the worst-case scenario. And I know it. I love the ego trip and knowing I can get a guy hot, but then...like a dog chasing a car. What's he going to do with it if he catches it? It's also a control issue. I put the man in a weakened position, so to speak, by seducing him. Then suddenly he's on me, and those roles are reversed.