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Nachosammich

Love

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Nachosammich

I'm sure a topic like this has been posted before, but this is on my mind, and I'm gonna say it. :P

Over the past week, starting around Valentine's Day, I've been thinking a lot about love. What is love, and why do people automatically assume that it's a romantic sort of love when you mention that you love someone? For example, I love my friend, but it's a friendly love. I don't want to date him or anything of the sort, but I care about him a lot. But if I tell him, or anyone, really, the first thing they're going to assume is that I've got a crush on him.

I don't know, maybe it's just a part of being a teenager. But it's strange, really.

Another thing, too: why do people associate asexuality with a lack of the ability to love? This is just in my personal experience, but a good chunk of the people I've come out to just assume that because I'm asexual, I can't love. Today, my friend even told me that he envies me, because I don't have to deal with love.

Sure, I don't currently harbor romantic feelings for anyone, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of it. And I have to "deal with" love in other ways; I mean, I love my friends, and my family, and my pets, and oodles of other things. And when something happens to something or someone I love, I hurt the same as any sexual person would.

Yeah...just putting some thoughts out there. This is, after all, a forum for musings and rantings, so I figured I'd muse and rant a bit. :lol:

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CornOnDaCobb

I know exactly what you mean.. mostly. People look to the extremes when they hear of emotions. You are madly in love, or incapable (or just aren't ;) ). Although currently being on the male side of the spectrum, there is no speak of the romantic love. Only ravenous horndogs... Sadness. But I still love my friends, family and cat anyways. :D

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deletethisplease

yeah, it bugs me a little. Ive come out to people that don't really know about it and they either get it mixed up with Bi sexual, or think that im actually the scientific term for asexual (have sex with my self) So i just kind of go "okay" and leave it at that. With the whole love thing, I can somewhat get what your saying but for me, i don't see human friends as people I love. Just really appreciate and such. I view love only in the romantic way. But it doesn't mean im a hopeless romantic. I put that in bold because im not someone who goes and searches for a mate (i used to, not so much anymore). I love my partner in a romantic way. But that is it. i don't love anyone one else in that way.

What bugs me, is when people automatically associate the romantic love for my partner with making out and doing all the wooing crap. So i guess i take it a step further. i would like to be physically close to her, but making out and kissing and wooing and "dating" are so disgusting. at least they seem so now to me. <_<

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Coriander

Curiously, I feel more or less the opposite of the way thatgamecalledsurvival does. I don't really believe in romantic love as a form of love. I love my friends, I love my family, and I would be (and have been) utterly shattered if anything happened to them. I've had to go through the death of a family member before, and I was somewhat horrified at how quickly people assumed I would "bounce back". I don't think losing someone you love is something you ever actually get over, you just slowly become capable of functioning in society again. Or, possibly, I'm just very bad at handling grief.

But anyway, I've never really felt that way about a romantic partner, and I've had a fair few. I think, the typical romantic relationship has very little to do with love, and more to do with a sort of power struggle. A romantic partner, from empirical evidence, appears to be a person who is trying to use you to get something. The only loving romantic relationship I've ever had was basically the sort of love mentioned in paragraph one + lust, insecurity and jealousy. ...And I didn't mean that to sound negative, I mean jealousy in the nicest way possible, in that I wanted to be the *closest* person to him, the one he liked the *best*.

Mostly, I believe this: "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."

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jow

Because we speak English we have one word for love and adapt it to the circumstances (the only variations I can think of being 'like' and 'luv', the latter I don't think is even a real word so...)

I've never had a romantic love - I've had two of the kind of crushes tween girls would call love - but I could say that I'm in love now in that the guy in question makes me feel special and safe and happy inside, and I could imagine just being there forever talking with him and it would be great. I don't feel anything for him romantically and I've never met him in the flesh, so to speak, but why not call it love? Oh no, I'm sorry, I forgot I was asexual and incapable of having feelings :P (not my viewpoint obviously, it's been said to me).

But as coriander said:

Mostly, I believe this: "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends

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f1r3wire

This is one that bugs me as well, I have this from a few friends, who simply think that because I'm asexual and aromantic I'm incapable of feelings, well a few have assumed that I'm suppressing them like they do, where as I feel as much as they do, but just don't always express it the same way. But trying to explain things to people doesn't seam to work, I don't think there are the right words in the English language to explain things sometimes, or I need to find and learn a few new ones.

Mostly, I believe this: "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down hir life for hir friends."

That really rings true to me, I sort of divide my friends off into two groups, those who are people that I love and would do anything for (including die (my attitude towards my life is complicated)), and those who are my friends who I wouldn't, it sounds a little cold but it's hard to explain without sounding cold. I made a real mess of things a little while ago with some I love by telling her that I loved her, and it was taken as me wanting to date her, despite the fact she knows that I don't date. But it was a lesson, I now know to be a lot more careful how and went I tell people that I love that I love them, this person should have known me well enough to understand, but seemingly she didn't which is a little depressing. But as always we live and learn.

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CreepyCrawler

I've been in romantic love, and it was a very positive experience for me. It's since transitioned into a wonderful friendship, which is now kind of teetering on more distant but still good friendship...

I agree with the general sentiment that we need more words for love. Right now the closest I can think of for your situation would be "I am amiable towards him." :P

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Auro Astum

I belive in both romantic love and friendly love. I do get bugged though when people find out i'm ace and assume that I cannot love :( I just have love for many people :)

Also when I read the topic I immediately thought of this: (it's appropriate, I promise)

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skjsfsjfsdjfsdjsj

----

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Sparky9738

Also when I read the topic I immediately thought of this: (it's appropriate, I promise)

Oh!! I love it! I hadn't seen that yet, though I'd heard about it. Totally worth the hype.

That is exactly, exactly what I want. *sigh*

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Nachosammich

So, are you mad at me, or is what I said a good thing?

Not mad at all! It just got me thinking. :)

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Cakey

I've had to go through the death of a family member before, and I was somewhat horrified at how quickly people assumed I would "bounce back". I don't think losing someone you love is something you ever actually get over, you just slowly become capable of functioning in society again. Or, possibly, I'm just very bad at handling grief.

Having suffered the loss of a few people around me, I am forever changed. To me everyone is unique and no one can replace the history, the individual personality, humor, outlook on life, personal vibe and the sharing of particular interests. What may be giggly funny to one friend may completely mystifying another. Thus the new friendship love offers different and sometimes beautiful scenarios, but float around in the void left by the others.

I believe in both romantic love and friendly love. I do get bugged though when people find out I'm ace and assume that I cannot love :( I just have love for many people :)

In one case they assume i am being mislead, the helpless victim of a mind altering cult. When i forced home my asexuality recently with one particular friend, it caused a huge argument which is still simmering in the melting pot of failing friendships They are basically saying they know what's best for me as know me better than I do. I am still awaiting examples.

Whereas another friend who is married and not declared herself asexual, shared similar experiences, but more importantly, how they reacted to those experiences.If not asexual, her thought processes are similar. It is much easier to talk when the other person agrees with you before you say anything.

The friend who argued with me has been a true friend for years, i know by their deeds and actions, in fact their friendship love has been very comforting. Whereas the latter friend has only known me for a few years and it is a developing friendship love.

Thinking about my argumentative friend, I do wonder if the love some people express towards you is dependant on how they want you to be, rather than how you actually are.

As for a lovers love,I have a fear of letting go of myself, being at the mercy of another person's whim, as I can be too soft anyway, just letting my head make the choices, let alone allowing the heart to muscle in on the decision making process. (pun intended)

I think falling in love is an appropriate phrase, as really you have little control when falling:)

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Imaginary_Friend

I’ve experienced exactly what Nachosammich has, where people say they envy me because I don’t have to deal with love. I think they’re wrong though, because I do deal with love and its emotional ups and downs, just slightly differently. I was never quick to make friends, but the people who I did come to consider a friend were people who I came to “love.” I wanted to hang out with them whenever I got the chance, get to know them, and, like Coriander, I would even get jealous if it seemed they preferred another friend more. It was never the same as family love for me, since the love I felt for my friends felt so much stronger to me. I also came to realize that other people didn’t get these extreme attachments to their friends, but I couldn’t understand why their friendships were different. I understand a little better now, having recently made a friend or two that I don’t feel a sense of jealous possession towards, so I imagine that is probably closer to what most of society thinks friendships are.

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Silver7

I am aromantic so I guess in a way... I don't love. But I just don't romantically love. I platonically love just fine. I love my family and friends. Though in my humble opinion I feel like society puts an odd emphasis on the idea of (romantic) love. Like there is realistic love. Which is usually more being "in like" with someone. And then there is the idealistic romance that only happens in books and movies. And there is platonic love. And there is a slang use of love (like when your friend does something odd or very -esque to themselves etc. And you say "I love you"... if that makes any sense).

Love is just an odd thing, and I have yet to buy into that romantic love really exists for anyone. Ace or not.

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kakkobean

Love is a conglomeration of many things; trust, respect, admiration, and adoration (to name a few). The side-effects include jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, and distress.

I think that what a lot of people get confused about with regards to the whole "love=sex" thing is that sex is one form of expressing love, not necessarily that it's intrinsically connected to the idea of love. Like, buying someone a present for their birthday can also be one way of expressing love, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you love everyone you buy presents for. I once had an argument with a friend regarding the best method of expressing love, and while I said kissing, he said sex. For some reason, he believed that sex was a good way to express love because it was connected with reproduction (gaaaah), and I said that kissing was a better way of expressing love because it's simple and intimate.

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HolmesFan
Another thing, too: why do people associate asexuality with a lack of the ability to love?

They must have met me and assumed that asexuals are like I am. o.O Or something like that.

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sindi

Mostly, I believe this: "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down hir life for hir friends."

That really rings true to me, I sort of divide my friends off into two groups, those who are people that I love and would do anything for (including die (my attitude towards my life is complicated)), and those who are my friends who I wouldn't, it sounds a little cold but it's hard to explain without sounding cold. I made a real mess of things a little while ago with some I love by telling her that I loved her, and it was taken as me wanting to date her, despite the fact she knows that I don't date. But it was a lesson, I now know to be a lot more careful how and went I tell people that I love that I love them, this person should have known me well enough to understand, but seemingly she didn't which is a little depressing. But as always we live and learn.

That sounds exactly like me! :blink: I have some friends, that I just enjoy spending time with, so long as it lasts, and then the close friends that I love and would do anything for! (and my attitude towards my life is complicated too :blink: ). For instance when I was studying in a certain school only for one year, I had friends there, but I knew all the time that we only needed each other's company in school. After that year I never contacted those friends, and neither did they contact me (with my closest friend from there we even discussed, that both of us could easily forget temporary friends... ). Then again, with those true friends we keep in touch whatever happens, and I love them no matter if we couldn't see each other for long times or something...

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JayJayJay

Love is a conglomeration of many things; trust, respect, admiration, and adoration (to name a few). The side-effects include jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, and distress.

I think that what a lot of people get confused about with regards to the whole "love=sex" thing is that sex is one form of expressing love, not necessarily that it's intrinsically connected to the idea of love. Like, buying someone a present for their birthday can also be one way of expressing love, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you love everyone you buy presents for. I once had an argument with a friend regarding the best method of expressing love, and while I said kissing, he said sex. For some reason, he believed that sex was a good way to express love because it was connected with reproduction (gaaaah), and I said that kissing was a better way of expressing love because it's simple and intimate.

I was thinking the exact same thing. The hilarious (sad?) thing is that people seem to forget that there are many forms of love. You love your spouse, your kids, your parents, your friends, and your grandparents, but you love them differently. For example, no one (well, not most people) would even think about sex when thinking about the love they have for their kids. :D

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Fred_is_dead_7x

The one thing about coming out that I didn't like was all the other things people assume once I said that I was asexual. Even after explaining that I can't have reproductively successful sex with myself. Worse yet some of my closest friends seem to get it, and then do something ridiculous. A friend of mine, weeks after I came out to hir, played a song for me "ironically" in which the theme was "My life is meaningless without your love." Another friend interviewed me about asexuality for hir blog, and even did a follow up with David Jay, then later got drunk, complained about hir failed relationships, and congratulated me on not requiring love... It hurts all the more because these are people I do love. Is it really that difficult for sexual people to separate the ideas of sex and love?

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