Feeling disgusted by friend losing virginity?

[floatin.on.a.parasol]

I've noticed that while I am more than okay with people being interested in sex, when one of my close female friends tells me that she's no longer a virgin, I feel repulsed! As a high school student, the sexual activity of my peers seems to increase exponentially by the day, and there are numerous teenagers at my school who are not virgins. This doesn't bother me. Strangely enough, knowing that a close boy friend is not a virgin is fine with me too, but when it's a girl that I'm close to...! A tiny, irrational, horrible part of my mind recoils when I see best girl friends that I know have had sex, the same part of my mind that might secretly label them as promiscuous (even when that is far, far from the truth and is, if it were to be called anything, an anti-adjective when applied to them).

I think some of it might have to do with the fact that they are typically 14, 15 years old and that seems a little young? Though I know their sexual experiences weren't mistakes and their boyfriends are people who bring them a lot of happiness and who they truly treasure (not some fling). Maybe it's that they are people who are both my age and my gender, and, as an asexual, the thought of me having sex is a very negative one, so people similar to me having sex elicits a similar negative reaction?

In my opinion, it is my reaction and not my friend's actions that are regrettable.

So I'm wondering, is it unusual to be horrified at the 'loss' of a close friend's 'innocence'? And if you've ever had a similar experience, how did you deal? (with both the feeling and guilt over the gut reaction)

[narwhal]

I feel rather awkward when my friends tell me. A little repulsed, but mostly awkwardness.

I had a friend who I've had as an online friend for years. We both have the same interests and one day he kinda told me he ha sex but he kinda slipped that out. It was kind of a "ew.....you did that?" and an awkward feeling that he's done something that I don't want and he'll probably talk about it. Like i feared he'd change into a sex animal and just go on about how he'd do every girl he sees. Thank goodness he doesn't. It's mostly with men than with women i think for myself.

[palaiologos]

I had a similar experience with a male friend. While he's still virgin, but has told me how he doesn't want to be. This saddens and angers me for some reason.

[Bijou]

I definitely know how you feel. I mean, for me, it isn't to the point of not wanting to be around these people anymore, but if I hear about it - even if they weren't virgins when they did what they were telling me about - I just feel this feeling like I need to shrink away from them, because I just can't relate to how they feel about it. If that makes any sense.

[Nipilersortartoq]

I'm not sure if I'm saddened by your feeling that your reaction is regrettable, or if I envy your ability to have doubt as to whether you're right in being repulsed.

Either way you shouldn't feel bad for thinking these things. I have had a few similar incidences and thought the same things as you, if not worse. Like I sometimes end up resenting them if they come to me to discuss their sex life with.

[Timbjerr]

For me, it was more a feeling of myself being "left behind" when my high school buddies, male and female, started becoming sexually active. I was kinda disturbed by it. I honestly felt I wasn't ready for sex, so how come they do? I eventually learned to put it to the back of my mind and tried my best to deal.

On a more personal level, when my younger brother told me he lost his virginity about a year ago, I realized that I was the one that was deficient in some way or another. This is when I started questioning my own sexuality. I was a normal heterosexual, right? I was physically attracted to girls, I regularly masturbated, so how come I never felt the desire to get into a girl's pants? It really didn't make any sense to me until recently.

[ExeCUTE]

I'm in the same situation. Though I don't hold a double standard toward the male gender (which I'm not saying is your fault at all, society's views on gender and sexuality are pretty screwy )

I really do go "...Guh?" when I'm told stuff like this. And yes, my peers are also a little young. I feel like the stereotypical old granny, going "wait, you darn-tootin' whippersnappers! Your virginity doesn't have to be cast away yet! Nooo!"

:lol:

[zoidberger]

Hrmm... Well though I agree with you that I think 14-15 is young, I still think there's no reason you should be feeling disgusted. The idea that someone would tell you is a bit odd, but it's their life and their actions. Are you disappointed in them when they eat a veggie that you don't like? Or when they procrastinate and don't get an assignment in on time?... I honestly don't think it's such a big deal. At least the OP thinks the view is a bit irrational.

[PiF]

for you the reaction was personal...where it went wrong was telling your friend about it

your friends have a right to make mistakes as do any of us..by all means say hey..you sure he's the guy you want to first time with ..but telling them your repulsed by it may have been handled better

it's done..don't worry too much about it...learn from it and move on

[floatin.on.a.parasol]

I haven't told any of my friends about it, I'm very supportive of any relationship that makes them happy. I think that, especially as an asexual, who am I to judge? They've done nothing wrong, but I just hate secretly feeling like they have.

[floatin.on.a.parasol]

I'm in the same situation. Though I don't hold a double standard toward the male gender (which I'm not saying is your fault at all, society's views on gender and sexuality are pretty screwy )

I really do go "...Guh?" when I'm told stuff like this. And yes, my peers are also a little young. I feel like the stereotypical old granny, going "wait, you darn-tootin' whippersnappers! Your virginity doesn't have to be cast away yet! Nooo!"

:lol:

I do feel like maybe I'm more lenient with boys because the media is beaming me messages of "Men have a one-track mind, all they want it sex!" In high school, this translates into where if a guy sleeps with a lot of girls he gets a highfive and has a reputation for being good in bed, but if a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she gets a bad reputation and a lot of nasty things said about her. <_<

Haha, I also totally agree about the granny feeling! It saddens me that having the opinion that 14 is generally too young for sex has become a conservative POV. Back in my day...wait, this IS my day!

[Theta Sigma]

My friends never talked to me about anything like that. Maybe they just sensed I wasn't interested.

[Oceania]

Two years ago, a friend of mine told me that she had lost her virginity. She was rather vocal about it (being the girl with a typical male sex drive that she is). But it was very awkward for me. She was the first, and at that time the only, friend of mine who lost their virginity. So it kind of felt like she was a part of an alien race to me. I eventually got used to it though, and maybe you will one day too.

[hml1014]

I felt kind of mad when a friend of mine told me she's been having sex with a few guys. She seemed so happy that she lost her virginity.... but what is so terrible about being a virgin? I just felt irrationally annoyed, but I didn't say anything. I just kept telling myself that it was her life and tried to get over it. I do get annoyed when she acts like it's shameful that I'm a virgin though.... she acts like she feels sorry for me! <_<

[sweettartslover]

I know how you feel. Whenever my friends told me about them losing their virginity i got upset, probably more than i should have. But it was just a knee-jerk reaction for me, and i couldn't really help it. I just felt so disgusted because i couldn't understand why they couldn't wait(I've always been one to say "marriage first.")

[Guest]

When we tell sexual people we don't want to have sex, they usually respond with, "Are you crazy? There's something wrong with you! You're missing out!" etc. because they can't imagine someone having different desires than them. I think we do the same, just in reverse, by feeling repulsed by our friends' sex lives, because it's difficult for us to understand why they want that when we don't. I'm freaked out by hearing about my friends' sex lives too. I just change the subject and try to not think about it.

[Ocelot]

Just wait until you get to be 18 or 19. All my old high school friends are getting knocked up now.

[CreepyCrawler]

I feel saddened and a little disgusted when I hear about 14 year olds losing their virginity too. Seems young to me, I mean at least wait a couple years til high school. I don't remember anyone talking about having sex in middle school, but I guess I just wasn't in loops like that, because I'm sure it was happening.

Though I know their sexual experiences weren't mistakes and their boyfriends are people who bring them a lot of happiness and who they truly treasure (not some fling).

This makes me laugh, but in a jaded, cynical kind of way. Seen too many starry-eyed romantics faceplant on reality, and I have to sit there pretending like I didn't see it coming the whole time. Granted, there are exceptions, and I am rather pessimistic. But I don't really think you can't tell if it was a mistake til you get a few years distance.

Just wait until you get to be 18 or 19. All my old high school friends are getting knocked up now.

Oh I know! It's a wave o' babies.

[Anonymized]

Though I know their sexual experiences weren't mistakes and their boyfriends are people who bring them a lot of happiness and who they truly treasure (not some fling).

This makes me laugh, but in a jaded, cynical kind of way. Seen too many starry-eyed romantics faceplant on reality, and I have to sit there pretending like I didn't see it coming the whole time. Granted, there are exceptions, and I am rather pessimistic. But I don't really think you can't tell if it was a mistake til you get a few years distance.

I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one with this reaction.

[you*hear*but*do*you*listen]

I was once seriously grossed out by one of my friends losing her virginity, but then again we were both 14. And it was her third date with the guy, and they did it under a park bush without protection.

[Quarky]

Ugh... Once when i was dating this older girl, it made me squirm every time i thought about her having sex with her past boyfriends. I just drove me crazy. Thankfully that's all over...

[floatin.on.a.parasol]

Though I know their sexual experiences weren't mistakes and their boyfriends are people who bring them a lot of happiness and who they truly treasure (not some fling).

This makes me laugh, but in a jaded, cynical kind of way. Seen too many starry-eyed romantics faceplant on reality, and I have to sit there pretending like I didn't see it coming the whole time. Granted, there are exceptions, and I am rather pessimistic. But I don't really think you can't tell if it was a mistake til you get a few years distance.

The friends that I'm thinking of in particular knew their boyfriends for at least a year before entering relationships which have proven to be healthy and stable. What I was trying to say was that nobody lost their virginity after getting drunk one night with a boy they barely knew, etc etc. I am generally pessimistic as well, but if a girl hooks up with a boy and their relationship is a "starry-eyed" romance, then neither the "faceplant on reality" nor them having sex makes me cringe because it was never too deep a relationship to begin with. So I understand and agree with what you're saying, but I guess you'll have to take my word for it when I say that these are actual relationships (hence some of the guilt over my negative gut reaction).

[HeidiUK]

but what is so terrible about being a virgin?

I'd like to know too!

she acts like she feels sorry for me! <_<

Ditto!

One ex-friend offered to hire me a male hooker. [sounds of me throwing up].

I told her she could, but he'd only be used for Scrabble......

All my old high school friends are getting knocked up now.

I'm older than that and most of my mates now have steady relationships and are on their 2nd/3rd (and in one case 4th :blink: !!!) kid...

Way to make me feel old. I don't feel like i'm missing out. It just reminds me of my age .

I'm disappointed in you every time I see you eat black licorice.

(Sorry, couldn't resist. :P Also, I'm kidding -- even though black licorice is gross!)

I can't stand it either! ;) ;)

H xx

[Porygon]

I remember feeling very odd when my best friend, whom I've known since we were about 8, told me that she had had sex. It was like my equal suddenly became very different from me, if only in one way. I was also a little bit jealous that after all those years of our being inseparable she decided to drift further and further away for the sake of a relationship like that.

It's all good now, though. We still talk and hang out like nothing ever happened. :)

[Guest Pelagic]

I feel irrational when I feel... kind of... almost sad, disappointed. I mean, one of my friends lost hers when she was fourteen (though I later found out she was raped... So, before it was disappointment/faint disgust, but now I feel completely different about it). As for now, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, ish... It's a mix between virgins (though I'm the only one who's ace and utterly inexperienced with such things), nonvirgins, and preggers. Sigh!

I do get annoyed with how I am sometimes treated, though. It's rare, but when them thar sexuals get together and start talking about what they did, all high and mighty and looking down on me because CLEARLY I am inferior, lesser than thou... Just 'cause I haven't dropped my drawers... It irks me, it makes me angry. Like the post above me, I don't see why friends can't just keep their private lives private and stop butting into mine (er, lack of?).

[InfinityPlusOne]

I'm in my 20s, and I still get a "yick" reaction when my friends talk about having sex, or when I think about the fact that they've probably had sex. I know there's nothing wrong with them having sex - it's not like I think they shouldn't be - but it just makes me kind of uncomfortable.

[Filmfan]

I can't say I've ever felt repulsed when a friend has broken the news to me, but my stomach would turn a bit. I'd think, "Why would they try something that messy and potentially painful?"

But more often, I would feel that enormous gap between my friend and me that other posters have written about. It's like, you were both on this side of an equation, and suddenly, you're just not anymore. It's kind of the same thing when people have told me that they did drugs. It's like you feel a huge gap between the two of you. Not that you're interested in doing drugs or having sex, but you just feel like there's this huge gulch between the two of you until you get used to the idea. But then, you do get used to the idea and continue to accept the person for who he/she is, and life goes on.

[Shi]

yeah, I know the feeling. Every time you look at them for the next few weeks, all you can think about is how little you know about them.

Then there's me, a biologist, who starts thinking of all the STD's that may have been exchanged, the possibility of them ending up pregnant, or the neurological changes that would ensue (oxytocin does weird things to people).

Jeeze...I mean, the vegetable allegory works well to an extent, but eating a vegetable doesn't have PERMANENT and communicable negative consequences (unless you're allergic...), nor does it cost $400,000 across the next 18 years to raise the veggie and send it to college or something. It's just...the long-term negative effects don't match up with the (very) short-term benefits. Not only is it weird, it seems downright stupid sometimes that anyone would do this.

[JayJayJay]

I don't get why someone would tell me that they lost their virginity. It would be like them telling me "I masturbated today" or "I pooped today." It's not a bad thing or anything, but it's not something I really want to hear about. (Unless they need some advice or something)

[you*hear*but*do*you*listen]

Then there's me, a biologist, who starts thinking of all the STD's that may have been exchanged, the possibility of them ending up pregnant, or the neurological changes that would ensue (oxytocin does weird things to people).

Yes. (I've gotten into huge arguments with lesbian friends about whether or not you can contract HPV from a girl if you are a girl. The answer is yes, you can.)